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garbage all the way down ([personal profile] trashmod) wrote in [community profile] hydratrashmeme2014-12-07 08:43 am

Dumpster #2: ...'Cause a Hydra Trash Party don't stop

Unholy hell-miracle achieved! Welcome to Bad Guys Do Bad Things To Your Faves 2: Electric Boogaloo. AKA the seamy sexual-violence-and-violent-sex underbelly of Captain America fandom, AKA the Hydra Trash Party kinkmeme. As usual, BLANKET NON-CON AND NSFW WARNINGS apply: just assume going in that everything in this landfill is unfit for human consumption.

Rules in brief: don't be a jerk except to fictional characters, warnings for particularly fucked-up garbage are nice but not required, thou shalt not judge the trashiness of thy neighbor's kinks unless thy neighbor is trying to pass off their rotting banana peels and half-eaten pizza crusts as a healthy romantic dinner for two, off-topic comments may be chucked out of the dumpster at management's discretion, management's discretion decrees that omegaverse, soulbond AUs, D/s-verse, non-superpowered AUs, and dark!good guys AUs are off-topic.

[Round 1] [Fill post] [Chatter post] [hydratrashmeme Pinboard archive (maintained by [personal profile] greenkirtle)] [Round 2 in flat view (comments in non-threaded chronological order, most recent last)]

Round 2 is closed; comments and fills in existing threads are still welcome, but all new prompts go to Round 3.

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

(Anonymous) 2015-04-04 03:18 am (UTC)(link)
The first time they try it, everything seems like it’s going well right until they’re both naked and Steve is kneeling between Bucky’s spread legs. He looks up and immediately forgets whatever he was going to say, because Bucky has his eyes screwed shut. It’s the face of someone who’s tensing for a blow. He turns his face into the pillow and grits out, “Just put it in me already,” and Steve feels like he’s been doused with a bucket of ice water. He pulls back as Bucky goes “Wait, shit,” under his breath. There’s a moment when, absurdly, all Steve can think is what the hell he’s going to do with his hand, which is sticky with lubricant and had just moments ago been on Bucky’s dick and other places, and then Bucky’s right in front of him, biting his lower lip and looking worried.

“Look, I didn’t mean all that,” he says in a rush. “Come back. Let’s pretend I never said anything, please.” Bucky reaches his right hand up to cup the side of Steve’s neck and pull him in for a kiss. It’s wet and open against the corner of his mouth, and he can’t help but lean into it a little but as soon as he does Bucky’s gone, sucking little kisses against his jawline, the other side of his neck. The fingers of his left hand tangle with Steve’s lube-sticky ones, and the hand on his neck slides down his back to guide him forward, pulling them down together. It’s tender, and it’s all the things they haven’t done before. It’s all wrong.

This time, Steve has to fight a little to move away. “Bucky, whatever this act is you can drop it.”

“Do you want me to turn over? Get a gag?” Bucky’s voice is a little more desperate now, his eyes scanning up and down Steve’s body, and the slight breathiness Steve had chalked up to exertion is still there. “I’ll get you hard again, you know I’m good at it.”

Steve has to practically swat his hands away from his hips. “No, I don’t want any of that stuff!” It comes out sharper than he means. His mind is roiling with the implications of everything that that just happened. He wants to reach out and hang on to Bucky and he wants to never have sex again, but most of all he wants Bucky back to normal, and maybe some time to sort themselves out so they can talk about this at pretty much any other time. “I don’t want to have sex tonight, okay?” He emphasizes the first word, hoping this will be what it takes for them to get some space, for Bucky to have enough time to cool down and get out of whatever place he’s gone in his head.

It seems to work. Bucky draws back and doesn’t try to pull Steve with him. He scoots back until he’s sitting up against the pillows, flips the sheet over his lap, nods when Steve says they can talk in the morning once they’ve both have some sleep. Steve’s almost fully dressed, pulling his t-shirt over his head and trying not to think too hard about what it would take to wire someone to act like that, what kind of person would want that, how ready he’d been to offer to gag himself, when Bucky says, “Look, I’m sorry I can’t offer you your unspoiled fuckin’ virgin territory or whatever the hell it is you want.”

“It’s not about that, and you know it.” Steve knows he’s getting loud, but a distant part of him thinks that at least one thing hasn’t changed – they can still fight like two weasels in a bag.

“Really? Because I could swear I just heard you say that you didn’t want to fuck tonight.” Bucky’s on his feet, one hand holding the sheet around his waist.

“All right, I didn’t want to. I don’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t like it, that’s not sex, it’s –” The words stick in his throat, so he says, “I’m not going to do that.”

“I told you to keep going, that not good enough for you?”

“Yeah, it was one of the worst lies you’ve ever told. You can stop trying to tell me what you think I want to hear, or whatever this is.”

“Or what, are you afraid you’re gonna hurt me?” Bucky spits out with enough contempt that Steve could flinch. “Because let me tell you, Rogers, you’re average. I’ve taken more than –”

“Don’t –” Something about Steve’s voice makes Bucky actually stop, but he realizes he doesn’t know what he was going to say after that. Don’t talk that way. Don’t talk about yourself that way. Don’t drag them any further into this than they already are. “I don’t know why you’re doing this,” he says, fighting to keep his voice steady, “But I want you to stop. Please.”

“Fine.” Bucky’s voice is flat, but at least neither of them are shouting anymore. “I’m going to bed,” he announces, and lies down, pulls the sheet over him, and rolls over just like that.

Steve doesn’t go to bed. He grabs another shirt and a pair of sweatpants, goes down to the training floor, and spends the rest of the night dodging laser beams and blocking projectiles until there are feelers at the corners of his eyes and he can feel himself starting to bruise.

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

(Anonymous) 2015-04-04 03:19 am (UTC)(link)
A/N: Now with 100% fewer HTML errors and correct numbering! Trash Mod, thank you for saving me from myself, you're a star.

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

(Anonymous) 2015-04-04 04:12 am (UTC)(link)
Ugh I just love everything about this so much

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

(Anonymous) 2015-04-04 05:24 am (UTC)(link)
Thank you~!

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

(Anonymous) 2015-04-04 04:15 am (UTC)(link)
I was so excited to see that this had updated! And it was fantastic! Your Bucky and Steve characterizations are to die for, and I can't wait for more.

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

(Anonymous) 2015-04-04 05:24 am (UTC)(link)
I probably say this every time, but I agonize over characterizations so your comment means the world to me. :) (And so does your excitement!)

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

(Anonymous) 2015-04-04 07:23 am (UTC)(link)
asfdfihjsfik I just realized, oh my god - in the very first part, where Bucky jumps on Steve the minute he's in the door, he's so enthusiastic because he hasn't been able to get off for a month. MORE than a month, even! holy shit, he must be having a hell of a time in these early days, wanting Steve so badly and yet not being in control of his own body or what he wants to do with it. he's so angry and frustrated with himself and it hurts so good.

also I love the way you write their arguments, it really suits them. two weasels in a sack <3

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

(Anonymous) 2015-04-04 09:45 pm (UTC)(link)
Yesss, that's what takes that scene from the normal "reunion sex is definitely a high priority" to "let's bang on the hallway carpet, I don't care anymore." One of the things that attracted me to this prompt – besides the potential for humiliation and fucked-up Hydra sex games – was thinking about how fraught it would be to have your sexual response hinge on one act, which requires another person, and which you might not even want to do. Especially for someone who should be going through a process of reclaiming their own agency and their own body.

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

(Anonymous) 2015-04-04 08:32 am (UTC)(link)
Ohhhh, the image of Bucky lying in bed with a look on his face like he's expecting pain. Of course it would be terrifying, after seventy years of terrible experiences. I feel so bad for Bucky -- what a painful dilemma, to want something, and to be terrified of the only way of getting it.

The entire paragraph where Bucky tries to convince Steve to get back into it is amazing, because it's subtle, but you've got him crossing all his own boundaries and pulling his own triggers -- the open-mouthed kissing, enlacing their fingers. It's brilliant that Bucky's fake sex persona is tender. It's also super trashy in its implications; I'm with Steve, thinking about how the hell you program that response into someone, and the kinds of things he must have gone through, and how nightmarish it would be to carry those memories around.

Also omg he didn't mean to say something that would turn Steve off so clearly he should just GAG HIMSELF. BUCKY

Bucky's so insecure about not what being what Steve wants and it's so great to watch him express those insecurities in such a healthy way: by attacking Steve with them. Like, I love it. The virgin territory line! And bypassing Steve's actual concern about emotional hurt to be like, you can't hurt me, I've taken WAY WORSE. BUCKY

Steve still can't say the word 'rape' when it comes to Bucky, oh no. Man, this fic frustrates (in a very engaging way) when it comes to the communication thing; on the one hand I'm so happy to see them talking honestly and openly about their desires, needs, boundaries, etc., and on the other hand they're still absolutely skirting around the root problem. I want to see them work it out, but I also want to be emotionally tortured forever, sooo...

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

(Anonymous) 2015-04-04 11:54 pm (UTC)(link)
I nearly made my author's note "Dear anonymous commenter, here's your fawn response." (Um, assuming you are that anonymous commenter, of course). He's already transgressed, and whether it's from fear of rejection or fear of reprisal, what Bucky wants doesn't matter anymore. He guesses Steve wants it sweet and tender, but if it had gone on much longer he probably would have tried something else. I went back and forth on the gag line – it was either that or offering to let Steve tie him up. Maybe the idea that Steve might want mutually-satisfying sex with an enthusiastically consenting partner did occur to him, but it doesn't seem like an option just then – he doesn't know how to play that. And then once he's had a moment to calm down, of course Steve's reticence has to do with his issues, and any consideration of Bucky's safety has to be contemptible, because anything else would mean questioning what I think were lies he made himself believe to survive. Steve can't say the word 'rape,' but neither can Bucky. He's totally seeing how far he can push it, too. Steve says he'll come back? He says he wants the truth? Let's see him handle this.

Well, if all goes to plan there are depths of emotional torment (and, I hope, love and mutual support?) yet to be plumed even if/when they have a frank conversation, so stay tuned. :D

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

(Anonymous) 2015-04-05 03:44 am (UTC)(link)
I am SO tuned--DA

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

(Anonymous) 2015-04-17 06:00 pm (UTC)(link)
please write mooooaaar!

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

(Anonymous) 2015-04-26 09:22 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm trying, I'm trying! :P

Seriously, don't worry about this fic being abandoned, I'm just a slow writer and have had extra reasons to be slow lately.

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

(Anonymous) 2015-04-19 12:36 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh please, continue this!

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

(Anonymous) 2015-04-26 09:37 pm (UTC)(link)
Don't worry, this fic is far from abandoned. The section I was working on today includes shower sex and perhaps even healthy communication.

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 5/?

(Anonymous) 2015-05-02 02:08 pm (UTC)(link)
Sometimes, particularly late at night when he can't sleep, Steve wonders if he should talk about this with someone. When he tries to think about who he comes up with a blank. Natasha's been tying up loose ends from her own past, which takes her away more often than not and puts more than enough on her plate already. As for the other Avengers, it's not that Steve dislikes them – all right, Tony Stark, frequently, but the man always comes through in the end – but they're not that kind of friend, and even more than that he's painfully aware of his position as team leader. Sam would listen, but he's not free therapy. And the thing Steve keeps coming back to is that this isn't just about him.

When he'd gotten back – really gotten back, after the Chitauri when he decided it was time to stop wallowing and get out there – Steve had seen a lot of professionals. They had all been very good at their jobs but he hadn't liked any of them except Ms Le, the resettlement lady. She hadn't treated him with kid gloves or professional detachment. She had a no-nonsense attitude and a wicked smile and out of all of them, Steve thought she was the one who most taught him to love the modern world.

But even if he found the Ms Le of therapists, he comes up short imagining what he'd say to them because it's not jut his privacy, it's Bucky's too. Even if he kept things vague – "my friend," and "something bad" – it would be patently obvious to anyone who knew who he was. He could go to someone who didn't know and just lie about all the details, but how much could you lie to those people?

He reads the Internet. It's not as helpful as he'd like.



Steve is perpetually baffled and slightly embarrassed about the size of his bathroom. For starters, he's not sure why anyone would need two sinks, or a bathtub and a separate shower. Not that he will ever be complaining about the latter. It's not that Steve's never been in a shower this big, it's just that it ran nearly-cold water and there were guaranteed to be three other guys in there trying to scrub off at the same time. This one has three separate showerheads, but more importantly the water can be as warm or cool as he wants, as hard or gentle as he wants, for as long as he wants. It's one thing about the future he's never going to be sick of.

He's rinsing off when someone knocks on door of the glass partition and Bucky says, "It's me," like Steve wouldn't recognize his silhouette any time, anywhere.

"What's wrong?" is the first thing that comes out, and he's reaching for the door handle when Bucky steps through and kisses him. Steve's instinct is to reach out and pull them closer together, but instead he leans back and catches his breath. "What's going on?"

"Oh, come on." Bucky's mouth quirks up, and it's all warm and good-humored. "And I thought I was the one who was supposed to have no memory."

He's naked and already most of the way hard, but it's the smile more than anything else that convinces Steve this is for real. Whatever persona Bucky had tried on the other night had been earnest, but not happy, and this squares with what Steve remembers from back before, Bucky laughing as he spun a dance partner or looking a little giddy if she let him get bold later on.

They end up under the main shower head, both of them soaked by the spray and the dial digging into Steve's back. Steve has one hand pressed up between them and the other on the curve of Bucky's left arm where he can feel the plates shift as he moves and Bucky is nosing slowly down the line of his neck in a way that's practically chaste, like he doesn't also have one hand around Steve's cock and isn't grinding his own erection against his hip with increasing urgency. Steve’s sliding his hand down when Bucky says against his ear, "Turn the fucking water off, now."

They end up under the main shower head, both of them soaked by the spray and the dial digging into Steve's back. Steve has one hand pressed up between them and the other on the curve of Bucky's left arm where he can feel the plates shift as he moves and Bucky is nosing slowly down the line of his neck in a way that's practically chaste, like he doesn't also have one hand around Steve's cock and isn't grinding his own erection against his hip with increasing urgency. Steve’s sliding his hand down when Bucky says against his ear, "Turn the fucking water off, now."

In the stillness that follows, Steve is hyperaware of the sounds of water running into the drain and Bucky breathing against his shoulder. One of his hands is twisted awkwardly to reach the dial, but he brings the other one up to rest in the wet hair at the back of Bucky's neck. In response he presses a little closer to Steve, but doesn't say anything. Eventually Bucky starts moving against him again, purposeful and unmistakeable, and Steve's firm hand on his shoulder almost doesn't stop him.

"I got a perfectly good bed right in the other room if you want a change of scenery." Steve's trying to keep things light, but fuck, he knows he doesn't really know what just happened there and at the same time he can't go one without hearing something from Bucky.

"It got to me for a moment," Bucky says, still up against his ear, "I'm fine now, Steve, please –" He breaks off to pull them against one of the other walls, then turns around, left arm braced on the tile. "I got myself ready, don't make me wait any longer."

Steve does make him wait – makes them both wait, because no matter how many times he reminds himself this isn't about him he still wants, he wants so much it feels like he's gonna die from it – because Bucky's already slick but he's sure as hell not relaxed. He runs his other hand along the line of Bucky's back, down his side, over his hip while he works. Once he tries to go for his cock, but Bucky twitches away fast enough that it can't be for show, and Steve feels a little guilty. Maybe that's just a tease without –

Steve drops a kiss on the skin of Bucky's left shoulder before he pushes in. He has to take a moment, steadying himself against Bucky's hips, but it's almost amazing how easily they fall into rhythm with each other. They're still warm and wet from the shower, and what Steve will remember most afterwards is the noise of skin on skin in the damp air, the curve of Bucky's back, and having to bite his lip to keep from running at the mouth – "You're so –" and "Oh God" and "Bucky, I –" without three words strung together. That and the way everything seemed to be going well right up until it wasn't.

Without warning Bucky shoves away and out from under him, and there was a confused moment when they were practically grappling against each other, Steve trying to hold Bucky steady and Bucky trying to pull away. The glass door bounces shut in his wake, and if Steve hadn't shouted for him to wait he probably would have gone straight out the door. Instead, Steve sees his outline stop and then sharpen as he presses his back against the door of the partition. Steve's mind is a mess of adrenaline and left-over lust, but it's still a cold weight in his stomach when he realizes why. He goes down on his knees on his side. It's just regular glass, he thinks. He could put his hand through it without hardly trying and hold Bucky like he wants to – and make him bolt right out the door, maybe for good, or worse, stay because of some fear Steve hardly knows the shape of.

Bucky shifts a little against the glass and says, "I'm fine," in a tone that's one part defiance and two parts discomfort. Steve has to try not to laugh just because he doesn't know what the hell else to do.

"Jesus, no you're not."

"I will be."

"You want to tell me what happened there?"

There's a long silence, then Bucky grits out, "This is humiliating." Before Steve can get a word in, he goes on, "It's humiliating and it's idiotic and it's – it's not like I ever got picky before, I don't know –" He cuts off, and when he goes in it's in a undertone that makes Steve sure this isn't really meant for him. "Never got like this before, half the time I wanted it anyway."

"That's not true." Steve has to work to keep from raising his voice. Or slamming his hand into the wall.

"You know that because, what, you were there when I got down on my hands and knees on the Secretary's office floor and begged to lick his shoes clean and begged him for –"

"I know that because no one wants to get raped."

In the silence that follows Steve hears his words on an endless loop in his own head. The next sound is Bucky's left hand against the shower door as he stands up.

"I don't have to talk about this," he announces flatly.

Steve looks up from where he's kneeling on the cooling shower floor to where Bucky's shadow is indistinct through the frosted glass and he's not angry, he's just so fucking tired. "You're right. You don't have to talk about anything. We can have the same damn fight every time we get close to each other. I can keep hurting you. But if that's what you really want I need you to at least tell me." I need to figure out if I can keep going, he doesn't say.

"You didn't hurt me," is all Bucky says, and Jesus, it says something about where they are that Steve doesn't know whether he's lying to spare him or whether he really thinks that.

"Buck, please."

"Later," he says, and then, more like a statement than a question, "You won't follow me."

When he hears the door shut Steve slumps back and covers his face with his hands. All he can think of is how he would have handled something like this back before. Gotten up into Bucky’s space, probably, refused to let him leave their apartment until he told him what was going on. Steve didn’t get less bullheaded when he got bigger, just realized there were some things you couldn’t solve by going straight at them and not letting up. He’s not sure he got any better at them. But he pushes himself to his feet, because lying on the floor of his own shower feels a lot like giving up.

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 5/?

(Anonymous) 2015-05-02 02:13 pm (UTC)(link)
A/N: I feel like I should make clear that this fic is almost-certainly going to be AoU noncompliant in some way, oops. (I haven't seen it yet – no spoilers!)

Also, this picture has been invaluable to me and I just wanted to share it for anyone else who struggles to get stuff out: http://imgur.com/uE9Yppb

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 5/? -- ERROR FREE

(Anonymous) 2015-05-02 02:40 pm (UTC)(link)
Now with 100% less copy-paste errors and a fixed sentence.




Sometimes, particularly late at night when he can't sleep, Steve wonders if he should talk about this with someone. When he tries to think about who he comes up with a blank. Natasha's been tying up loose ends from her own past, which takes her away more often than not and puts more than enough on her plate already. As for the other Avengers, it's not that Steve dislikes them – all right, Tony Stark, frequently, but the man always comes through in the end – but they're not that kind of friend, and even more than that he's painfully aware of his position as team leader. Sam would listen, but he's not free therapy. And the thing Steve keeps coming back to is that this isn't just about him.

When he'd gotten back – really gotten back, after the Chitauri when he decided it was time to stop wallowing and get out there – Steve had seen a lot of professionals. They had all been very good at their jobs but he hadn't liked any of them except Ms Le, the resettlement lady. She hadn't treated him with kid gloves or professional detachment and out of all of them, Steve thought she was the one who most taught him to love the modern world.

But even if he found the Ms Le of therapists, he comes up short imagining what he'd say to them because it's not jut his privacy, it's Bucky's too. Even if he kept things vague – "my friend," and "something bad" – it would be patently obvious to anyone who knew who he was. He could go to someone who didn't know and just lie about all the details, but how much could you lie to those people?

He reads the Internet. It's not as helpful as he'd like.



Steve is perpetually baffled and slightly embarrassed about the size of his bathroom. For starters, he's not sure why anyone would need two sinks, or a bathtub and a separate shower. Not that he will ever be complaining about the latter. It's not that Steve's never been in a shower this big, it's just that it ran nearly-cold water and there were guaranteed to be three other guys in there trying to scrub off at the same time. This one has three separate showerheads, but more importantly the water can be as warm or cool as he wants, as hard or gentle as he wants, for as long as he wants. It's one thing about the future he's never going to be sick of.

He's rinsing off when someone knocks on door of the glass partition and Bucky says, "It's me," like Steve wouldn't recognize his silhouette any time, anywhere.

"What's wrong?" is the first thing that comes out, and he's reaching for the door handle when Bucky steps through and kisses him. Steve's instinct is to reach out and pull them closer together, but instead he leans back and catches his breath. "What's going on?"

"Oh, come on." Bucky's mouth quirks up, and it's all warm and good-humored. "And I thought I was the one who was supposed to have no memory."

He's naked and already most of the way hard, but it's the smile more than anything else that convinces Steve this is for real. Whatever persona Bucky had tried on the other night had been earnest, but not happy, and this squares with what Steve remembers from back before, Bucky laughing as he spun a dance partner or looking a little giddy if she let him get bold later on.

They end up under the main shower head, both of them soaked by the spray and the dial digging into Steve's back. Steve has one hand pressed up between them and the other on the curve of Bucky's left arm where he can feel the plates shift as he moves and Bucky is nosing slowly down the line of his neck in a way that's practically chaste, like he doesn't also have one hand around Steve's cock and isn't grinding his own erection against his hip with increasing urgency. Steve’s sliding his hand down when Bucky says against his ear, "Turn the fucking water off, now."

In the stillness that follows, Steve is hyperaware of the sounds of water running into the drain and Bucky breathing against his shoulder. One of his hands is twisted awkwardly to reach the dial, but he brings the other one up to rest in the wet hair at the back of Bucky's neck. In response he presses a little closer to Steve, but doesn't say anything. Eventually Bucky starts moving against him again, purposeful and unmistakeable, and Steve's firm hand on his shoulder almost doesn't stop him.

"I got a perfectly good bed right in the other room if you want a change of scenery." Steve's trying to keep things light, but fuck, he knows he doesn't really know what just happened there and at the same time he can't go one without hearing something from Bucky.

"It got to me for a moment," Bucky says, still up against his ear, "I'm fine now, Steve, please –" He breaks off to pull them against one of the other walls, then turns around, left arm braced on the tile. "I got myself ready, don't make me wait any longer."

Steve does make him wait – makes them both wait, because no matter how many times he reminds himself this isn't about him he still wants, he wants so much it feels like he's gonna die from it – because Bucky's already slick but he's sure as hell not relaxed. He runs his other hand along the line of Bucky's back, down his side, over his hip while he works. Once he tries to go for his cock, but Bucky twitches away fast enough that it can't be for show, and Steve feels a little guilty. Maybe that's just a tease without –

Steve drops a kiss on the skin of Bucky's left shoulder before he pushes in. He has to take a moment, steadying himself against Bucky's hips, but it's almost amazing how easily they fall into rhythm with each other. They're still warm and wet from the shower, and what Steve will remember most afterwards is the noise of skin on skin in the damp air, the curve of Bucky's back, and having to bite his lip to keep from running at the mouth – "You're so –" and "Oh God" and "Bucky, I –" without three words strung together. That and the way everything seemed to be going well right up until it wasn't.

Without warning Bucky shoves away and out from under him, and there was a confused moment when they were practically grappling against each other, Steve trying to hold Bucky steady and Bucky trying to pull away. The glass door bounces shut in his wake, and if Steve hadn't shouted for him to wait he probably would have gone straight out the door. Instead, Steve sees his outline stop and then sharpen as he presses his back against the door of the partition. Steve's mind is a mess of adrenaline and left-over lust, but it's still a cold weight in his stomach when he realizes why. He goes down on his knees on his side. It's just regular glass, he thinks. He could put his hand through it without hardly trying and hold Bucky like he wants to – and make him bolt right out the door, maybe for good, or worse, stay because of some fear Steve hardly knows the shape of.

Bucky shifts a little against the glass and says, "I'm fine," in a tone that's one part defiance and two parts discomfort. Steve has to try not to laugh just because he doesn't know what the hell else to do.

"Jesus, no you're not."

"I will be."

"You want to tell me what happened there?"

There's a long silence, then Bucky grits out, "This is humiliating." Before Steve can get a word in, he goes on, "It's humiliating and it's idiotic and it's – it's not like I ever got picky before, I don't know –" He cuts off, and when he goes in it's in a undertone that makes Steve sure this isn't really meant for him. "Never got like this before, half the time I wanted it anyway."

"That's not true." Steve has to work to keep from raising his voice. Or slamming his hand into the wall.

"You know that because, what, you were there when I got down on my hands and knees on the Secretary's office floor and begged to lick his shoes clean and begged him for –"

"I know that because no one wants to get raped."

In the silence that follows Steve hears his words on an endless loop in his own head. The next sound is Bucky's left hand against the shower door as he stands up.

"I don't have to talk about this," he announces flatly.

Steve looks up from where he's kneeling on the cooling shower floor to where Bucky's shadow is indistinct through the frosted glass and he's not angry, he's just so fucking tired. "You're right. You don't have to talk about anything. We can have the same damn fight every time we get close to each other. I can keep hurting you. But if that's what you really want I need you to at least tell me." I need to figure out if I can keep going, he doesn't say.

"You didn't hurt me," is all Bucky says, and Jesus, it says something about where they are that Steve doesn't know whether he's lying to spare him or whether he really thinks that.

"Buck, please."

"Later," he says, and then, more like a statement than a question, "You won't follow me."

When he hears the door shut Steve slumps back and covers his face with his hands. All he can think of is how he would have handled something like this back before. Gotten up into Bucky’s space, probably, refused to let him leave their apartment until he told him what was going on. Steve didn’t get less bullheaded when he got bigger, just realized there were some things you couldn’t solve by going straight at them and not letting up. He’s not sure he got any better at them. But he pushes himself to his feet, because lying on the floor of his own shower feels a lot like giving up.

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 5/? -- ERROR FREE

(Anonymous) 2015-05-02 03:08 pm (UTC)(link)
I practically SCREAMED when I saw this updated

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 5/? -- ERROR FREE

(Anonymous) 2015-05-02 03:15 pm (UTC)(link)
also "I never got picky before"!!!!! this is too good to be real. I also just like the image of them talking through the frosted glass.

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 5/? -- ERROR FREE

(Anonymous) 2015-05-02 09:16 pm (UTC)(link)
This is just... wow. Bucky's casual self-hatred gives me life. *creeps back under smelly pile of socks*

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 5/? -- ERROR FREE

(Anonymous) 2015-05-02 10:05 pm (UTC)(link)
OMG, please keep writing.

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 5/? -- ERROR FREE

(Anonymous) 2015-05-03 12:11 am (UTC)(link)
TRASH FROM HEAVEN

First off, you surprised a laugh outta me with "He reads the Internet." That line from CATWS is one of my favorite little moments from that movie -- it's in the vein of Grandpa Steve jokes, but it's cute and sweet and doesn't sacrifice the integrity of his characterization. And here, sure, this is serious subject matter, but sometimes Steve can be so precious. Anyway, man, I feel his dilemma. It's surprisingly well-adjusted of him to be considering therapy -- or indicative of how totally lost he is -- but it's just so Steve that he sacrifices his need to talk this over for Bucky's privacy. Though the obvious solution is to TALK IT OVER WITH BUCKY. their communication!! so many attempts to be open and honest, so many FAILURES ;_;

Now, disastrous shower sex:

- Dang, it was so hot at first, not to mention sweet. I love that what Steve reads in Bucky's come-on is his happiness, and that's why he engages so willingly. Also the thing with the water is like their relationship in this fic in a microcosm: Bucky has Problems, they fumble around them, and stubbornly & lovingly keep trying to fuck. What a delight. They're so messed up and trying so hard; it hurts me in good ways.

- The little detail of Steve in his confusion trying to keep Bucky in place as he struggles to get away. That must have felt real nice

- The image of them talking, on the floor, through the shower door is so visually interesting and symbolic

- Bucky calling this humiliating! I love that you included his perspective, and that this is what it is -- he has so much here that he could be faulting himself for, the physical limitations, the fear, having Steve there witnessing everything, maybe failing Steve, the fact that it's his own mind and body that are keeping him from getting what he wants. That feeling of being incapable and being a burden is so shaming. And then there's the additional weight of the huge trauma that created these issues. I'm always happy that you regularly check in with Bucky's thinking, and it's especially effective because it's filtered through Steve, so we get the double whammy of his pain in response to Bucky's pain.

- Bucky's internalized victim-blaming! Yeah, he couldn't stop anyone: he wasn't picky! And the saddest thing is that even if what he says about wanting it is true, even if he'd actually had the ability to consent, then the remaining half the time where he didn't want it would still count. But his little story about Pierce is a perfect illustration of how sideways his thinking is on this. He specifically chose that anecdote to describe a time when he wanted it, and that's... begging to lick Pierce's shoes clean! That sounds exactly like something he would have thought up on his own and totally wanted to do! But no, I guess he's conceptualizing it as participation = consent

- Finally naming the rape almost stopped my battered heart, precisely because both of them have spent so long pointedly dancing around calling it what it is. I felt the impact that they felt. And that impact is heightened by their reactions -- Bucky shutting down the conversation, Steve shocked by what he said. That felt viscerally real.

- DON'T STORM OUT BUCKY YOU SERIOUSLY NEED TO START TALKING ABOUT THIS AND SETTING BOUNDARIES OMG COME BACK

Finally, your Steve characterization comes through strong throughout this update, and it's so good. It's a 100% Steve Rogers sadness smoothie blended from genuine goodness, desire to help, and tragedy as he struggles with emotional problems that can't be solved with punches and stubbornness. Steeeeve.

Thank you for the update! It always makes my day when we get one.

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 6/? -- ERROR FREE

(Anonymous) 2015-06-08 04:28 am (UTC)(link)
Bucky doesn’t talk about the time in the shower. He doesn’t draw away or change in any other way – he seems determined to pretend it never happened. Steve, to his shame, goes along with it, but he does decide that if Bucky isn't going to tell him what he wants, he'll just have to start asking the right questions.

He starts with "Can I?" when they're in bed, pressed up against each other and Steve is about to slide his hand under Bucky's shirt. He gets a shivery "Yes," and the muscles of Bucky's stomach jumping under his fingers. Then, "Can I take your shirt off?" "Can I kiss you here?" as he starts to work his way down Bucky's neck, "Can I use my tongue?" over one nipple and then, "Is this okay?" as he moves lower. Bucky keeps saying "Yes, yes," right up until he shoves Steve away. There's a moment when Steve is lying on his back, one hand automatically gone to the place where Bucky kneed him in the side, and then Bucky spits, "If you wanted me to beg for it you could have just told me so. Isn't that what you wanted to do?" he goes on, almost contemptuous, "Talk?"

"I didn't – I didn't mean that," Steve manages. He's filled with horror at what Bucky must have thought he had been trying to do, but even more there's the sinking feeling that despite his best efforts this is happening again. What he doesn't expect, then, is to feel Bucky reach down to touch his hair and hear him say, "No, I guess you didn't."

When he looks up, Bucky has his legs drawn up and his left hand covering his face. Steve starts to reach for the hand in his hair, then remembers and goes for Bucky's knee instead. "Why don't you tell me why it sounded like I did," he tries.

There's a brief silence, then Bucky says, "You have to remember what I said that time. That I was – it was fun, for them. And sometimes part of the game was – well it wasn't always games, and there were a lot of them, but one them was making me beg. They got a lot of milage out of that one. Sometimes they wouldn't let me remember between times, so they'd make me beg to be touched and then ask me why it wasn't good enough. Or if there were women I would – they would do what they wanted, and then what was wrong with me, why wouldn't I –" He cuts off and starts again. "They would call me names for that. That was a popular one. Tell me what I was and then if I repeated it enough, sounded like I meant it they might –" Bucky's hand still covers his eyes, but Steve can see the corners of his mouth twitch down for an instant before he swallows. His hand spasms on Bucky's knee – he can't help it – and in return he feels Bucky's fingers circle gently in his hair. Steve remembers to breathe.

"I guess I know you didn't mean it like that, but in my head I'm still waiting for you to start –" He cuts off, takes another breath, and finishes, "Don't ever make me beg."

“Never.” It comes out out before Steve can even think about it. He turns his face up and says it again against Bucky’s palm. Above him, Bucky makes a noise that might have been the start of a word and suddenly he’s pulling him up, pressing his mouth against Steve’s again and again as he rolls them over.

“You gonna let me try something?" Bucky asks, looking down at him.

Something turns out to be stripping him naked and jerking him off. It's a program Steve gets with almost embarrassingly quickly. The fear in the bottom of his stomach that Bucky thinks this is some kind of return favor burns off with the way Bucky keeps looking at him. It's something between hunger and wonder, and Steve has never felt this exposed before. Bucky's sitting back against his spread thighs, knees bracketing him in, and between that and the way Bucky keeps staring down like he wants to drink up every inch of him it's almost overwhelming. Steve reaches out, tries to hook his fingers under the waist of Bucky's jeans to pull him closer. Bucky jerks away.

For a moment he thinks he's blown it for the night, then Bucky says,

“You can touch me, just don’t do that.” Then, “Please touch me.”

As Bucky's right hand moves steadily on him, first a little dry and then slick with lube, Steve does his damndest to touch every part of him he can get at, and Bucky leans into his hands and lets his mouth fall open but he won’t let Steve near his fly. It can’t be comfortable, but he keeps his metal fingers clamped over his erection, doesn’t even undo the button. Sometimes he shifts a little and Steve watches his face change with what he hopes is relief, but he always catches himself. It’s in one of these moments that Steve blurts out,

“Tell me what you want – if you could have me do anything –”

“The other night,” Bucky says before he can finish. “When you let me use your mouth. I think about that sometimes, I –” He breaks off. “I don’t know, you tell me.”

“I think about it too,” is the first thing Steve can think to say. He feels like a pervert for admitting it, that he gets off to things Bucky can’t, and like a clown for saying it so awkwardly, but Bucky’s eyes fall closed and his left hand shifts so he’s riding the heel of it, so Steve stumbles on. “I liked it, when you put your hand in my hair and the feeling – we could do it again, as long as you wanted before we –”

Maybe Bucky got where he was going, because he shook his head and gasped out, “No, pretend I never told you, pretend it’s still normal –”

“I don’t care about that stuff, Bucky –”

Above him Bucky screws his eyes shut, he grinds back against Steve’s legs and twists his hand, and Steve’s body snaps tight as he comes.

Once his head stops spinning he reaches up and says something about needing a few minutes before he can get it up again, but Bucky shakes his head and doesn’t move.

“What do you want to do now?”

Bucky takes a shaky breath. “I’m going to go into the bathroom,” he says very firmly. “You’re going to stay here.”

Steve cleans himself up with his own undershirt, which makes him feel like a bit of a slob but not enough to decide not to do it. He spends an inordinate amount of time shifting around on Bucky’s perfectly comfortable bed, pretending to himself that he’s paying attention to that and not the sound of the faucet being turned on, then off, then on again in the bathroom. He ends up staring at the wall, where there’s an enormous abstract painting, multicolored shapes that could be comets or flowers or fire on a white background, that Bucky certainly hadn’t picked out for himself. They had ended up living in what Steve supposed was Avengers Tower now pretty much by accident. He had finally found Bucky – or more like Bucky had finally let himself be found – and Steve had realized that they had nowhere to go. The nearest thing he had to a home was a military base, which was the last place he wanted to take Bucky, and anyway, he had started feeling more and more like maybe it wasn’t a good idea for him to live near regular people. The next villain or wanna-be villain who came at him might not do it as neatly as a bullet through the apartment wall. Fortunately, Tony was one of the few people on the planet who would respond to, “I need somewhere for me and my superpowered and possibly-unstable friend to stay, maybe indefinitely, P.S. we may be followed by technologically or genetically-enhanced Nazis,” with, “No problem.” But interior decorating hadn’t exactly been a priority for any of them.

Bucky emerges wearing a towel that he drops before climbing into bed. When he presses himself against Steve, his face, his groin, and the skin on the inside of his thighs are shockingly cold.

“For a while I thought if I did it with another person, that would be enough,” Bucky says against his neck, and then, quieter, “I wanted you to be enough.”

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 5/? -- ERROR FREE

(Anonymous) 2015-06-27 06:41 pm (UTC)(link)
I read this again and I just really want Steve to cave and go to therapy. You need to talk this out, Steve. Doctor/patient confidentiality will protect Bucky. I know they work it out in the end but go to therapy Steve