i feel like bucky would just go limp. sink into a really really deep depression.
Imagine Steve as Bucky is doing this. Just take a moment to picture him trying to wrestle his own trauma, his native inability to do anything about bad feelings except smile through them, his own need for Bucky to be okay, and the horror show that's going on with Bucky's mental health. And Bucky's in there vaguely hoping to stop existing.
and if there's no guarantee that it's not just going to keep happening again, and again, and again - he probably thinks, why even bother?
The terrible thing that just occurred to me is that this is the same kind of situation he lived in as the Winter Soldier, where he was under the control of omnipotent abusers, and abuse would always recur. He surely must be thinking he, because of the kind of person he is, is fated to be victimized over and over forever, and those brief months after his escape before he figured that out would seem like some kind of foolish dream. It would be like he had fallen right back into the nightmare. It depends on how you want to imagine Hydra's treatment of him, but it's awful no matter what -- if he was vulnerable to abuse whenever anyone felt like it, then he must feel like he's been transported right back into that life. But, if Hydra kept to a strict punishment/reward system in order to keep up his conditioning, then... in a certain horrible way, that was better. Because at least he knew when he'd fucked up enough to warrant serious punishment, and he could take some measures to prevent it. If he's convinced that this will keep happening forever, and he's living in terror, then he might miss that (illusory) sense of control. It wasn't a genuinely better situation, he didn't have real control, he didn't have support and memories and basic comforts like he has now, but god, even though he knows that, this relentless anxiety is so hard to bear.
lying, pretending to enjoy things/acts that are actually miserable and terrifying.
yessss and then when he flips suddenly he's honest about everything he can't stand, and Steve has to think back on all the times he did something that must have triggered Bucky and feel terrible about never having noticed. Bucky knows that Steve feels terrible (and not just about that, about, really, this entire situation) and it just makes him feel more worthless and cancerous and I support your petition for 100k of this.
I think recovery would look like a lot support, a lot of therapy, and a lot of time. And reempowerment. Maybe if he got to rip some dicks off.
Re: you can't get filth any dirtier
Imagine Steve as Bucky is doing this. Just take a moment to picture him trying to wrestle his own trauma, his native inability to do anything about bad feelings except smile through them, his own need for Bucky to be okay, and the horror show that's going on with Bucky's mental health. And Bucky's in there vaguely hoping to stop existing.
and if there's no guarantee that it's not just going to keep happening again, and again, and again - he probably thinks, why even bother?
The terrible thing that just occurred to me is that this is the same kind of situation he lived in as the Winter Soldier, where he was under the control of omnipotent abusers, and abuse would always recur. He surely must be thinking he, because of the kind of person he is, is fated to be victimized over and over forever, and those brief months after his escape before he figured that out would seem like some kind of foolish dream. It would be like he had fallen right back into the nightmare. It depends on how you want to imagine Hydra's treatment of him, but it's awful no matter what -- if he was vulnerable to abuse whenever anyone felt like it, then he must feel like he's been transported right back into that life. But, if Hydra kept to a strict punishment/reward system in order to keep up his conditioning, then... in a certain horrible way, that was better. Because at least he knew when he'd fucked up enough to warrant serious punishment, and he could take some measures to prevent it. If he's convinced that this will keep happening forever, and he's living in terror, then he might miss that (illusory) sense of control. It wasn't a genuinely better situation, he didn't have real control, he didn't have support and memories and basic comforts like he has now, but god, even though he knows that, this relentless anxiety is so hard to bear.
lying, pretending to enjoy things/acts that are actually miserable and terrifying.
yessss and then when he flips suddenly he's honest about everything he can't stand, and Steve has to think back on all the times he did something that must have triggered Bucky and feel terrible about never having noticed. Bucky knows that Steve feels terrible (and not just about that, about, really, this entire situation) and it just makes him feel more worthless and cancerous and I support your petition for 100k of this.
I think recovery would look like a lot support, a lot of therapy, and a lot of time. And reempowerment. Maybe if he got to rip some dicks off.