The first time they try it, everything seems like it’s going well right until they’re both naked and Steve is kneeling between Bucky’s spread legs. He looks up and immediately forgets whatever he was going to say, because Bucky has his eyes screwed shut. It’s the face of someone who’s tensing for a blow. He turns his face into the pillow and grits out, “Just put it in me already,” and Steve feels like he’s been doused with a bucket of ice water. He pulls back as Bucky goes “Wait, shit,” under his breath. There’s a moment when, absurdly, all Steve can think is what the hell he’s going to do with his hand, which is sticky with lubricant and had just moments ago been on Bucky’s dick and other places, and then Bucky’s right in front of him, biting his lower lip and looking worried.
“Look, I didn’t mean all that,” he says in a rush. “Come back. Let’s pretend I never said anything, please.” Bucky reaches his right hand up to cup the side of Steve’s neck and pull him in for a kiss. It’s wet and open against the corner of his mouth, and he can’t help but lean into it a little but as soon as he does Bucky’s gone, sucking little kisses against his jawline, the other side of his neck. The fingers of his left hand tangle with Steve’s lube-sticky ones, and the hand on his neck slides down his back to guide him forward, pulling them down together. It’s tender, and it’s all the things they haven’t done before. It’s all wrong.
This time, Steve has to fight a little to move away. “Bucky, whatever this act is you can drop it.”
“Do you want me to turn over? Get a gag?” Bucky’s voice is a little more desperate now, his eyes scanning up and down Steve’s body, and the slight breathiness Steve had chalked up to exertion is still there. “I’ll get you hard again, you know I’m good at it.”
Steve has to practically swat his hands away from his hips. “No, I don’t want any of that stuff!” It comes out sharper than he means. His mind is roiling with the implications of everything that that just happened. He wants to reach out and hang on to Bucky and he wants to never have sex again, but most of all he wants Bucky back to normal, and maybe some time to sort themselves out so they can talk about this at pretty much any other time. “I don’t want to have sex tonight, okay?” He emphasizes the first word, hoping this will be what it takes for them to get some space, for Bucky to have enough time to cool down and get out of whatever place he’s gone in his head.
It seems to work. Bucky draws back and doesn’t try to pull Steve with him. He scoots back until he’s sitting up against the pillows, flips the sheet over his lap, nods when Steve says they can talk in the morning once they’ve both have some sleep. Steve’s almost fully dressed, pulling his t-shirt over his head and trying not to think too hard about what it would take to wire someone to act like that, what kind of person would want that, how ready he’d been to offer to gag himself, when Bucky says, “Look, I’m sorry I can’t offer you your unspoiled fuckin’ virgin territory or whatever the hell it is you want.”
“It’s not about that, and you know it.” Steve knows he’s getting loud, but a distant part of him thinks that at least one thing hasn’t changed – they can still fight like two weasels in a bag.
“Really? Because I could swear I just heard you say that you didn’t want to fuck tonight.” Bucky’s on his feet, one hand holding the sheet around his waist.
“All right, I didn’t want to. I don’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t like it, that’s not sex, it’s –” The words stick in his throat, so he says, “I’m not going to do that.”
“I told you to keep going, that not good enough for you?”
“Yeah, it was one of the worst lies you’ve ever told. You can stop trying to tell me what you think I want to hear, or whatever this is.”
“Or what, are you afraid you’re gonna hurt me?” Bucky spits out with enough contempt that Steve could flinch. “Because let me tell you, Rogers, you’re average. I’ve taken more than –”
“Don’t –” Something about Steve’s voice makes Bucky actually stop, but he realizes he doesn’t know what he was going to say after that. Don’t talk that way. Don’t talk about yourself that way. Don’t drag them any further into this than they already are. “I don’t know why you’re doing this,” he says, fighting to keep his voice steady, “But I want you to stop. Please.”
“Fine.” Bucky’s voice is flat, but at least neither of them are shouting anymore. “I’m going to bed,” he announces, and lies down, pulls the sheet over him, and rolls over just like that.
Steve doesn’t go to bed. He grabs another shirt and a pair of sweatpants, goes down to the training floor, and spends the rest of the night dodging laser beams and blocking projectiles until there are feelers at the corners of his eyes and he can feel himself starting to bruise.
Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?
“Look, I didn’t mean all that,” he says in a rush. “Come back. Let’s pretend I never said anything, please.” Bucky reaches his right hand up to cup the side of Steve’s neck and pull him in for a kiss. It’s wet and open against the corner of his mouth, and he can’t help but lean into it a little but as soon as he does Bucky’s gone, sucking little kisses against his jawline, the other side of his neck. The fingers of his left hand tangle with Steve’s lube-sticky ones, and the hand on his neck slides down his back to guide him forward, pulling them down together. It’s tender, and it’s all the things they haven’t done before. It’s all wrong.
This time, Steve has to fight a little to move away. “Bucky, whatever this act is you can drop it.”
“Do you want me to turn over? Get a gag?” Bucky’s voice is a little more desperate now, his eyes scanning up and down Steve’s body, and the slight breathiness Steve had chalked up to exertion is still there. “I’ll get you hard again, you know I’m good at it.”
Steve has to practically swat his hands away from his hips. “No, I don’t want any of that stuff!” It comes out sharper than he means. His mind is roiling with the implications of everything that that just happened. He wants to reach out and hang on to Bucky and he wants to never have sex again, but most of all he wants Bucky back to normal, and maybe some time to sort themselves out so they can talk about this at pretty much any other time. “I don’t want to have sex tonight, okay?” He emphasizes the first word, hoping this will be what it takes for them to get some space, for Bucky to have enough time to cool down and get out of whatever place he’s gone in his head.
It seems to work. Bucky draws back and doesn’t try to pull Steve with him. He scoots back until he’s sitting up against the pillows, flips the sheet over his lap, nods when Steve says they can talk in the morning once they’ve both have some sleep. Steve’s almost fully dressed, pulling his t-shirt over his head and trying not to think too hard about what it would take to wire someone to act like that, what kind of person would want that, how ready he’d been to offer to gag himself, when Bucky says, “Look, I’m sorry I can’t offer you your unspoiled fuckin’ virgin territory or whatever the hell it is you want.”
“It’s not about that, and you know it.” Steve knows he’s getting loud, but a distant part of him thinks that at least one thing hasn’t changed – they can still fight like two weasels in a bag.
“Really? Because I could swear I just heard you say that you didn’t want to fuck tonight.” Bucky’s on his feet, one hand holding the sheet around his waist.
“All right, I didn’t want to. I don’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t like it, that’s not sex, it’s –” The words stick in his throat, so he says, “I’m not going to do that.”
“I told you to keep going, that not good enough for you?”
“Yeah, it was one of the worst lies you’ve ever told. You can stop trying to tell me what you think I want to hear, or whatever this is.”
“Or what, are you afraid you’re gonna hurt me?” Bucky spits out with enough contempt that Steve could flinch. “Because let me tell you, Rogers, you’re average. I’ve taken more than –”
“Don’t –” Something about Steve’s voice makes Bucky actually stop, but he realizes he doesn’t know what he was going to say after that. Don’t talk that way. Don’t talk about yourself that way. Don’t drag them any further into this than they already are. “I don’t know why you’re doing this,” he says, fighting to keep his voice steady, “But I want you to stop. Please.”
“Fine.” Bucky’s voice is flat, but at least neither of them are shouting anymore. “I’m going to bed,” he announces, and lies down, pulls the sheet over him, and rolls over just like that.
Steve doesn’t go to bed. He grabs another shirt and a pair of sweatpants, goes down to the training floor, and spends the rest of the night dodging laser beams and blocking projectiles until there are feelers at the corners of his eyes and he can feel himself starting to bruise.