The Soldier is sitting on the couch, as still and quiet as he can make himself. Steve had been watching a baseball game before, but it’s over now, and Steve looks like he wants to say something. The possibility gives the Soldier hope— flashes come, more all the time, proving that Steve used to love him, but he has yet to prove it in the present. It’s just a matter of time, the Soldier keeps telling himself.
“Bucky?” Steve begins, and the Soldier can’t help but smile. It’s a name for him, like Yasha but better because it’s the one Steve gave him. He turns toward Steve expectantly.
“Steve?” he says, just to say Steve’s name out loud.
“How— how much do you remember?” Steve asks. He sounds oddly, unfamiliarly nervous.
—Steve leaning up and touching their mouths so softly, so hesitantly, expecting rejection—
The Soldier remains silent, trying to understand the question. What he remembers could refer to the flashes, the Soldier reasons. The flashes seem to be memories— perhaps the ones that had once been extraneous and removed to increase efficiency. But that doesn't make sense, because Steve was never extraneous, he was the most important thing in the world.
“I don’t know,” the Soldier says honestly. Steve frowns in response, which makes the Soldier tense. He doesn’t know what’s wrong.
“Do you remember—“ Steve breaks off and moves closer to the Soldier, not touching but leaning over him in a way that seems so promising. He may be about to prove his love for the first time in seventy years, and the Soldier tenses in a totally different way. He won’t enjoy the touch, but even the idea of the love behind it is enough to make him sigh with contentment. “Do you remember how I feel about you?”
Yes, the Soldier thinks. This is it. “You love me,” he says, and knows he’s about to feel the proof of it.
“Yeah, Buck,” says Steve, and his smile is so happy. He leans in closer, closer still, and touches his lips to the corner of the Soldier’s mouth. The Soldier doesn’t understand the touch, but it feels… nice. It feels like no touch the Soldier can remember, except in a few flashes with Steve.
For several long seconds he lets it happen. Then he opens his mouth to ask what’s going on, and Steve’s tongue slides in before he can. It’s weird and kind of slimy, having a second tongue in his mouth, but once he gets past the excess of saliva it actually feels nice, too. As Steve’s tongue pushes deeper, it makes him think of all the times people showed their love by pushing other things into his mouth.
Is that what this is? A variation on that? He hopes so, because it’s his new favorite. It doesn’t hurt at all.
Encouraged by Steve’s firm touch, the Soldier starts to twist and whine, attempting to say ‘no’ with his mouth full. Steve’s mouth feels so good, and he knows it’ll just be better once he’s said ‘no’ and Steve has ignored it. Maybe afterward Steve will do something more, between his legs maybe.
The Soldier’s always hated the touches between his legs, but if Steve can put things in his mouth without causing pain, maybe he can put things between his legs without hurting too. He becomes impatient with anticipation and he tears his mouth away from Steve’s.
“No!” he cries eagerly. He sprawls back, spreads his legs to show exactly what he wants Steve to do. “No, no, no.”
Instead, Steve jerks back like he was hit with a stun stick. The Soldier checks, just to be sure, and finds no electrical burns. Something the Soldier did must have disappointed him, then, to make Steve not want to prove his love anymore. Unless—
Does Steve still—
The Soldier rejects the thought immediately, unable to handle the idea that he might have to live in the world without Steve’s love. There must be something else that caused him to stop, there must be.
“Did I do something wrong?” he asks in a small voice.
“Of course not, Bucky,” Steve says, and that makes the Soldier relax. “I just don’t want to do this if you don’t want it.” That sentence doesn’t make any sense at all. Of course the Soldier wants it. But before he can explain this, Steve has already gotten up and started to walk away. “I— I have to go out for a while, but I’ll be back soon,” he says as he goes out the door, and the Soldier can only stand and watch him go.
—He knows what hatred is—
But Steve doesn’t hate him, even if he is leaving him alone. The Soldier has a hundred flashes that prove Steve loves him, even though his analysis of the current situation says otherwise.
For the first time, the Soldier considers that some of his programming may be incorrect.
He keeps thinking, trying to understand what went wrong. Steve seemed to think the Soldier was lacking something— he wishes he could remember what it was, so that he could fix himself. If he could do that, he might be able to get Steve to love him again, properly.
Steve had wanted him to ‘want it,’ the Soldier remembers. But he did want it. He wanted Steve’s love more than anything.
—No, Buck, leave me alone! I’m not hurt that bad—
—Dumb punk, at least let me wipe the grit out—
Oh. Suddenly the Soldier understands what he has been missing for weeks now, for years. All those people who had loved him, and he had never loved a single one of them back. Except Steve. Maybe it wasn’t just Steve who had to prove his love— maybe Steve wanted the Soldier to prove that he still loved Steve, even though they’d been apart for so long.
Okay, he thinks. He’s never loved anyone before, but for Steve, he can try.
He starts small. The next day, Steve tells him no, he’s not allowed to put his muddy boots up on the table, and the Soldier just gives him a raised eyebrow and leaves them where they are. He sees a small, fond look on Steve’s face as he turns back to what he was doing, and counts it as a victory.
The day after that, the Soldier ignores Steve’s protest that he shouldn’t stay in the shower for four hours just to see if Stark’s hot water can run out.
He refuses to get dressed for the entirety of the third day, which causes Steve to send him some promising looks even as he protests.
On the fourth day, the Soldier thinks he’s ready for the real thing. He wakes up early and waits in the kitchen, a predator waiting to strike. It’s still dark, but Steve forces himself to get up very, very early in order to be awake for his morning run. Steve eventually trudges in, looking half asleep still and groping for coffee.
—Fancy serum couldn’t make you a morning person? Oughtta get your money back, Stevie—
Once Steve’s had a cup of coffee, he looks more ready to accept the Soldier’s love, and the Soldier pounces. Steve’s hands come up at once, as if he expects it to be an attack, but he puts them back down when he realizes it’s the Soldier. This makes the Soldier… happy, he thinks. That’s the word for this feeling.
“Bucky?” Steve asks. Perhaps he isn’t sure what the Soldier intends yet. He is still tired, after all.
The Soldier just makes his best approximation of a smile and darts in to bite at Steve’s neck. He doesn’t know how to do what Steve did before, the way that didn’t hurt, but he remembers this, and he remembers that he hadn’t minded it, much. Then he reaches a hand down between Steve’s legs and begins to touch, quickly, trying to get Steve to respond the way the Soldier was sometimes made to.
“Bucky, no, what are you—“ Steve starts, but he breaks off when the Soldier bites down sharply.
—Blonde hair and a cruel smirk and bright red nails—
“Oh, hush. I know you want it, and he knows you want it,” the Soldier purrs, stroking harder.
“What? Bucky, cut it out!” Good, that’s good. The Soldier keeps touching, more and faster, trying to show Steve that he loves him enough to ignore all those words he doesn’t mean.
“See how much I love you?” he asks, moving faster than ever.
“Stop,” Steve says firmly. The Soldier pauses, confused, because that didn’t sound like a protest. It sounded like an order, and he knows he’s supposed to obey orders. “Bucky, explain what you’re doing.”
Another order. The Soldier doesn’t understand, he thought it was clear, but he says it anyway. “I’m proving that I love you,” he says.
“Why didn’t you stop when I told you to?” Steve asks, and even though it’s just a question it still feels like an order. Answer me, Steve’s tone says, and Bucky tries harder to understand the question. Why would he stop? He loves Steve. If he stopped, it would mean he didn’t care.
“I know you need this, and I’m the one who cares enough to give it to you. Don’t you see? I’m doing this because I love you.”
Steve gasps sharply, and his eyes look wet, but the Soldier is still afraid to move. He stays in place as Steve comes closer, closer, and finally folds the Soldier in his arms. Steve is so warm, the Soldier wants to relish his touch, but he can’t until he knows what’s going on.
“Did other people do this to you?” Steve says wetly into his neck.
“They loved me too much to stop because of petty cries,” he says pointedly, and then he’s shocked at himself. He doesn’t want to insult Steve, or accuse him of not caring when he has so many flashes that say that he does. It just— slipped out, and he couldn’t stop it. But as he thinks, he wonders if it’s true, if they really did love him more than Steve does.
He sobs at the thought of losing even a little of Steve’s love, because Steve is so, so good, and so important, and everything the Soldier never knew he wanted until he got it back, and he doesn’t want to lose it again.
“I swear to you,” Steve says, pulling himself together, “I will never do anything you don’t want me to.”
And then the Soldier begins to cry in earnest, because his worst fear just came true.
5+1 fill: 4: Steve
“Bucky?” Steve begins, and the Soldier can’t help but smile. It’s a name for him, like Yasha but better because it’s the one Steve gave him. He turns toward Steve expectantly.
“Steve?” he says, just to say Steve’s name out loud.
“How— how much do you remember?” Steve asks. He sounds oddly, unfamiliarly nervous.
—Steve leaning up and touching their mouths so softly, so hesitantly, expecting rejection—
The Soldier remains silent, trying to understand the question. What he remembers could refer to the flashes, the Soldier reasons. The flashes seem to be memories— perhaps the ones that had once been extraneous and removed to increase efficiency. But that doesn't make sense, because Steve was never extraneous, he was the most important thing in the world.
“I don’t know,” the Soldier says honestly. Steve frowns in response, which makes the Soldier tense. He doesn’t know what’s wrong.
“Do you remember—“ Steve breaks off and moves closer to the Soldier, not touching but leaning over him in a way that seems so promising. He may be about to prove his love for the first time in seventy years, and the Soldier tenses in a totally different way. He won’t enjoy the touch, but even the idea of the love behind it is enough to make him sigh with contentment. “Do you remember how I feel about you?”
Yes, the Soldier thinks. This is it. “You love me,” he says, and knows he’s about to feel the proof of it.
“Yeah, Buck,” says Steve, and his smile is so happy. He leans in closer, closer still, and touches his lips to the corner of the Soldier’s mouth. The Soldier doesn’t understand the touch, but it feels… nice. It feels like no touch the Soldier can remember, except in a few flashes with Steve.
For several long seconds he lets it happen. Then he opens his mouth to ask what’s going on, and Steve’s tongue slides in before he can. It’s weird and kind of slimy, having a second tongue in his mouth, but once he gets past the excess of saliva it actually feels nice, too. As Steve’s tongue pushes deeper, it makes him think of all the times people showed their love by pushing other things into his mouth.
Is that what this is? A variation on that? He hopes so, because it’s his new favorite. It doesn’t hurt at all.
Encouraged by Steve’s firm touch, the Soldier starts to twist and whine, attempting to say ‘no’ with his mouth full. Steve’s mouth feels so good, and he knows it’ll just be better once he’s said ‘no’ and Steve has ignored it. Maybe afterward Steve will do something more, between his legs maybe.
The Soldier’s always hated the touches between his legs, but if Steve can put things in his mouth without causing pain, maybe he can put things between his legs without hurting too. He becomes impatient with anticipation and he tears his mouth away from Steve’s.
“No!” he cries eagerly. He sprawls back, spreads his legs to show exactly what he wants Steve to do. “No, no, no.”
Instead, Steve jerks back like he was hit with a stun stick. The Soldier checks, just to be sure, and finds no electrical burns. Something the Soldier did must have disappointed him, then, to make Steve not want to prove his love anymore. Unless—
Does Steve still—
The Soldier rejects the thought immediately, unable to handle the idea that he might have to live in the world without Steve’s love. There must be something else that caused him to stop, there must be.
“Did I do something wrong?” he asks in a small voice.
“Of course not, Bucky,” Steve says, and that makes the Soldier relax. “I just don’t want to do this if you don’t want it.” That sentence doesn’t make any sense at all. Of course the Soldier wants it. But before he can explain this, Steve has already gotten up and started to walk away. “I— I have to go out for a while, but I’ll be back soon,” he says as he goes out the door, and the Soldier can only stand and watch him go.
—He knows what hatred is—
But Steve doesn’t hate him, even if he is leaving him alone. The Soldier has a hundred flashes that prove Steve loves him, even though his analysis of the current situation says otherwise.
For the first time, the Soldier considers that some of his programming may be incorrect.
He keeps thinking, trying to understand what went wrong. Steve seemed to think the Soldier was lacking something— he wishes he could remember what it was, so that he could fix himself. If he could do that, he might be able to get Steve to love him again, properly.
Steve had wanted him to ‘want it,’ the Soldier remembers. But he did want it. He wanted Steve’s love more than anything.
—No, Buck, leave me alone! I’m not hurt that bad—
—Dumb punk, at least let me wipe the grit out—
Oh. Suddenly the Soldier understands what he has been missing for weeks now, for years. All those people who had loved him, and he had never loved a single one of them back. Except Steve. Maybe it wasn’t just Steve who had to prove his love— maybe Steve wanted the Soldier to prove that he still loved Steve, even though they’d been apart for so long.
Okay, he thinks. He’s never loved anyone before, but for Steve, he can try.
He starts small. The next day, Steve tells him no, he’s not allowed to put his muddy boots up on the table, and the Soldier just gives him a raised eyebrow and leaves them where they are. He sees a small, fond look on Steve’s face as he turns back to what he was doing, and counts it as a victory.
The day after that, the Soldier ignores Steve’s protest that he shouldn’t stay in the shower for four hours just to see if Stark’s hot water can run out.
He refuses to get dressed for the entirety of the third day, which causes Steve to send him some promising looks even as he protests.
On the fourth day, the Soldier thinks he’s ready for the real thing. He wakes up early and waits in the kitchen, a predator waiting to strike. It’s still dark, but Steve forces himself to get up very, very early in order to be awake for his morning run. Steve eventually trudges in, looking half asleep still and groping for coffee.
—Fancy serum couldn’t make you a morning person? Oughtta get your money back, Stevie—
Once Steve’s had a cup of coffee, he looks more ready to accept the Soldier’s love, and the Soldier pounces. Steve’s hands come up at once, as if he expects it to be an attack, but he puts them back down when he realizes it’s the Soldier. This makes the Soldier… happy, he thinks. That’s the word for this feeling.
“Bucky?” Steve asks. Perhaps he isn’t sure what the Soldier intends yet. He is still tired, after all.
The Soldier just makes his best approximation of a smile and darts in to bite at Steve’s neck. He doesn’t know how to do what Steve did before, the way that didn’t hurt, but he remembers this, and he remembers that he hadn’t minded it, much. Then he reaches a hand down between Steve’s legs and begins to touch, quickly, trying to get Steve to respond the way the Soldier was sometimes made to.
“Bucky, no, what are you—“ Steve starts, but he breaks off when the Soldier bites down sharply.
—Blonde hair and a cruel smirk and bright red nails—
“Oh, hush. I know you want it, and he knows you want it,” the Soldier purrs, stroking harder.
“What? Bucky, cut it out!” Good, that’s good. The Soldier keeps touching, more and faster, trying to show Steve that he loves him enough to ignore all those words he doesn’t mean.
“See how much I love you?” he asks, moving faster than ever.
“Stop,” Steve says firmly. The Soldier pauses, confused, because that didn’t sound like a protest. It sounded like an order, and he knows he’s supposed to obey orders. “Bucky, explain what you’re doing.”
Another order. The Soldier doesn’t understand, he thought it was clear, but he says it anyway. “I’m proving that I love you,” he says.
“Why didn’t you stop when I told you to?” Steve asks, and even though it’s just a question it still feels like an order. Answer me, Steve’s tone says, and Bucky tries harder to understand the question. Why would he stop? He loves Steve. If he stopped, it would mean he didn’t care.
“I know you need this, and I’m the one who cares enough to give it to you. Don’t you see? I’m doing this because I love you.”
Steve gasps sharply, and his eyes look wet, but the Soldier is still afraid to move. He stays in place as Steve comes closer, closer, and finally folds the Soldier in his arms. Steve is so warm, the Soldier wants to relish his touch, but he can’t until he knows what’s going on.
“Did other people do this to you?” Steve says wetly into his neck.
“They loved me too much to stop because of petty cries,” he says pointedly, and then he’s shocked at himself. He doesn’t want to insult Steve, or accuse him of not caring when he has so many flashes that say that he does. It just— slipped out, and he couldn’t stop it. But as he thinks, he wonders if it’s true, if they really did love him more than Steve does.
He sobs at the thought of losing even a little of Steve’s love, because Steve is so, so good, and so important, and everything the Soldier never knew he wanted until he got it back, and he doesn’t want to lose it again.
“I swear to you,” Steve says, pulling himself together, “I will never do anything you don’t want me to.”
And then the Soldier begins to cry in earnest, because his worst fear just came true.