YES. I LOVE THIS. It's so SATISFYING to have them finally lay their cards on the table -- and especially for Steve to find a way to negotiate past Bucky's bullshit, and for Bucky to actually let him. I was very proud of him in that moment where he sits back, consciously de-escalates, and lets go of his defensiveness. The description of him as tired and nervous after he lets the bravado fade saddened my heart.
But I live with you, I sleep with you, and you still won’t trust me with anything and it’s killing me, Bucky. Half the time I don’t know what you’re thinking, I don’t know what you’re feeling, I don’t even know what you do all day!”
YES!! Steve speaks words from my heart! SO SATISFYING. They're in such a difficult situation, and the character dynamics you've built up are so complicated -- I feel like I have cried about this before, but! they love and want each other enough to keep trying past the point the challenges would have defeated many people, and yet they also spend a lot of time self-sabotaging because of bad communication. Bucky is always ready to jump to the worst conclusion, then go on the attack. Which, alright, those are understandable trauma reactions (and, furthermore, characterization that slays me in wonderful ways), but then neither of them have any idea how to establish a framework where they can work through these problems together. As great as it's been to read the attempts they've made to patch shit up when it goes wrong -- the conversation where Bucky was cleaning the WS uniform comes to mind, or the one outside the shower door, or when Bucky thought Steve was making him beg, those were highlights -- I feel like this is the first time they've really talked about the heart of the problem. And, as aforementioned, after all those problems, IT WAS SO SATISFYING. I don't want to use the phrase "emotionally orgasmic" but... yeah, I'm gonna.
PLOT STUFF: BUCKY HAS A CLASSIFIED JOB????? WHAT IS HE DOING
Bucky tugs nervously at the hem of his shirt, and Steve has just enough time to think Not some fucked-up sex thing before he asks “Do you want me on the table? Over your knee?”
lmao I love this. Not just the fucked-up sex thing, but that Bucky's fucked-up sex things have reared their head so frequently that Steve's learned to see it coming. I read his little comment in such a world-weary tone. It's a kind of subtle awfulness when horror becomes commonplace!
Steve thinking about holding hands. Noooo, so sweet, no hand-holding was such a cruel thing for me to put in the prompt, I regret everything.
someone who used to try and suck enough dick to earn the privilege of getting one up the ass
I continue to adore each and every way Hydra exploited Bucky's broken dick to torture and humiliate him. It's all the emotional torment of being made to beg to come jacked up 1000x because that requires penetrative rape. Oh, poor Bucky. It just hits me sometimes that it's no surprise he's so angry and fucked up and defensive. But also: Bucky's disbelief that it doesn't turn Steve's crank when he talks about his abuse. It's like he knows I'm here... reading...
And you think if you can drive me away then you won’t have to think about it anymore.
So, we talked a little about Bucky as a recent escapee of a situation where sex was about use/abuse. And this line struck me in relation to that. He's got sexual trauma to wrestle with, years of horrible memories to fight down, a fucked-up worldview to unravel, and he doesn't yet recognize what happened to him as rape, though it seems that realization might be percolating in him. He has to think about all this whenever he has sex, and it's a lot to think about, and it must feel so, so scary. It would be a lot easier to just not have sex. Yeah, no wonder it seems sometimes like he's trying to drive Steve away.
"I'll try if you try" not even exaggerating: so romantic ;_;
Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 10/?
YES. I LOVE THIS. It's so SATISFYING to have them finally lay their cards on the table -- and especially for Steve to find a way to negotiate past Bucky's bullshit, and for Bucky to actually let him. I was very proud of him in that moment where he sits back, consciously de-escalates, and lets go of his defensiveness. The description of him as tired and nervous after he lets the bravado fade saddened my heart.
But I live with you, I sleep with you, and you still won’t trust me with anything and it’s killing me, Bucky. Half the time I don’t know what you’re thinking, I don’t know what you’re feeling, I don’t even know what you do all day!”
YES!! Steve speaks words from my heart! SO SATISFYING. They're in such a difficult situation, and the character dynamics you've built up are so complicated -- I feel like I have cried about this before, but! they love and want each other enough to keep trying past the point the challenges would have defeated many people, and yet they also spend a lot of time self-sabotaging because of bad communication. Bucky is always ready to jump to the worst conclusion, then go on the attack. Which, alright, those are understandable trauma reactions (and, furthermore, characterization that slays me in wonderful ways), but then neither of them have any idea how to establish a framework where they can work through these problems together. As great as it's been to read the attempts they've made to patch shit up when it goes wrong -- the conversation where Bucky was cleaning the WS uniform comes to mind, or the one outside the shower door, or when Bucky thought Steve was making him beg, those were highlights -- I feel like this is the first time they've really talked about the heart of the problem. And, as aforementioned, after all those problems, IT WAS SO SATISFYING. I don't want to use the phrase "emotionally orgasmic" but... yeah, I'm gonna.
PLOT STUFF: BUCKY HAS A CLASSIFIED JOB????? WHAT IS HE DOING
Bucky tugs nervously at the hem of his shirt, and Steve has just enough time to think Not some fucked-up sex thing before he asks “Do you want me on the table? Over your knee?”
lmao I love this. Not just the fucked-up sex thing, but that Bucky's fucked-up sex things have reared their head so frequently that Steve's learned to see it coming. I read his little comment in such a world-weary tone. It's a kind of subtle awfulness when horror becomes commonplace!
Steve thinking about holding hands. Noooo, so sweet, no hand-holding was such a cruel thing for me to put in the prompt, I regret everything.
someone who used to try and suck enough dick to earn the privilege of getting one up the ass
I continue to adore each and every way Hydra exploited Bucky's broken dick to torture and humiliate him. It's all the emotional torment of being made to beg to come jacked up 1000x because that requires penetrative rape. Oh, poor Bucky. It just hits me sometimes that it's no surprise he's so angry and fucked up and defensive. But also: Bucky's disbelief that it doesn't turn Steve's crank when he talks about his abuse. It's like he knows I'm here... reading...
And you think if you can drive me away then you won’t have to think about it anymore.
So, we talked a little about Bucky as a recent escapee of a situation where sex was about use/abuse. And this line struck me in relation to that. He's got sexual trauma to wrestle with, years of horrible memories to fight down, a fucked-up worldview to unravel, and he doesn't yet recognize what happened to him as rape, though it seems that realization might be percolating in him. He has to think about all this whenever he has sex, and it's a lot to think about, and it must feel so, so scary. It would be a lot easier to just not have sex. Yeah, no wonder it seems sometimes like he's trying to drive Steve away.
"I'll try if you try" not even exaggerating: so romantic ;_;