There'd been - James thinks of it as his awkward phase, a period he can't completely recall, when he'd been sleeping (or not sleeping) in Steve's spare bedroom, and eating (or not) at Steve's kitchen counter, and waiting for Hydra to come for him. But Steve had been patient, and unrelentingly kind, and eventually he'd fucking pulled himself together. He has his own apartment now, which Steve and Sam helped him pick out, and which he loves as fiercely as he can remember loving anything. His own couch, piled with blankets, where he can stretch out and read. His own fridge, stocked with things he likes to eat. His own ridiculously comfortable bed.
After the debriefing, and the tests, and the doctors - when the remnants of Shield were through with him, and his memory was as complete and coherent as it seemed likely to get anytime soon - there'd been the question of what he was going to do. Fury had talked to him about joining the new Shield, going on missions with the Avengers, and so he had for a while, until his hatred of it grew stronger than his fear, and one night he'd sat across from Steve at Steve's dining room table and gathered every shred of courage he possessed and said I'm not going to do this anymore. The no matter what you do to me, James felt, was implied. But Steve had smiled at him with what looked like profound relief, and James's heart had cracked open a little at the thought that Steve understood, that Steve wouldn't force him to be a weapon again, that Steve would let him be done. He thought about science, then, which he'd loved, or engineering, and spent a few months researching schools, but in the end he settled on law. His therapist, a grandmotherly sort with a negative tolerance for bullshit, has spent a lot of time with him on the idea that the atrocities he committed as the fist of Hydra were not his fault, and James understands her reasoning. But he also knows the truth, which is that he's hurt a lot of people. He can never make it right - the thought is obscene - but if the world is absurd enough, insane enough to give him a life after everything he's done, he's going to use it to do some fucking good.
He's a month into the program when a girl in his study group asks him if he'd like to get um, coffee, sometime? while blushing to the roots of her hair, and James isn't used to shyness but he can damn well recognize desire. Her name is Katie, and her head barely comes up to his chest. They actually do go for fucking coffee, which he wasn't expecting, and he hears all about her best friend from college (working for a tech start-up), and how she's finding New York (amazing, obviously), and how she's liking law school (well, it's the first semester), which James decodes easily enough as a continent away, overwhelming, and she isn't. Katie is young, James thinks, and lonely, if determined to be brave about it. She wants to know about him, too, and he gives her the story he's worked out with Steve, the one where he was in the army and lost his arm to an IED, which he's gotten better at telling.
She takes him home the following week, back to the cramped and messy student apartment she shares with two other girls, and when he shuts her bedroom door behind them and starts taking his clothes off things get briefly complicated. She pulls off her t-shirt, but crosses her arms over her chest, and then she's blushing again and explaining that she doesn't actually have a lot of um, experience? and asking if they can maybe take it slow, if that's all right with him. The hesitant tone and defensive posture make no fucking sense, because he's there to do whatever she wants, but he gives her his best reassuring smile and tells her of course that's fine with him, that's great. Then he puts his clothes back on, and she leads him to the bed, where they spend a long time kissing before she gets his cock out and slides down to take him into her mouth. He pets her hair and tries to think of nothing at all, and when he comes she rewards him with a grin, her face flushed with effort and arousal, looking thoroughly pleased with herself and with him.
Sex with Katie becomes a regular thing, after that, and eventually James decides he likes her. She's really fucking smart, and genuinely nice, and she wants to be a public defender. She's also just kind of tiny and adorable, which James wants to punch himself in the face for thinking about anyone, but he can't help it. It's a challenge, though, because he can't always tell exactly what she wants from him. He's getting ready to fuck her, sliding the head of his cock slickly against her cunt, not pushing in yet, teasing her - he hasn't been around a lot of women in the past seventy years, sure, but there was one lab tech (blond and statuesque, nothing like little dark Katie) who loved getting fucked by the Winter Solider, and of course there were girls before that, in Brooklyn - when he glances up to see that her expression has shifted from eager to intimidated and uncertain. He backs off, of course, but it just kind of slays him, because she didn't push him away, or say anything, and he does not want to fuck this up. The next time, not really thinking it will work but desperate to make it good for her, he tries out some of the stupid shit he's always hearing from Sam and Steve. Tell me what you want, come on, you're so fucking hot, whatever you want and I'll do it, don't be shy, tell me. She blushes furiously, but (wonder of wonders) she's really into it, and with a little coaxing the results are nothing short of spectacular. She wants him to play with her nipples. (She likes that a lot, which is actually pretty cute.) She wants him to use one hand to pin both of hers over her head. (She doesn't say which hand, but he gets the idea.)
He goes to parties a few times with her and her friends, and keeps creepy guys away from them, which is easy, partly because he looks the way he does, but partly, he imagines, because a little of what he feels must show on his face, which is that he will kill anyone who hurts this small person to whom the world has so plainly never been cruel, he will do it unhesitatingly and inventively. In November, right before exams, she gets a boyfriend, and stops wanting sex with him. After that, he starts to think of her as a friend.
more for less, 2/?
After the debriefing, and the tests, and the doctors - when the remnants of Shield were through with him, and his memory was as complete and coherent as it seemed likely to get anytime soon - there'd been the question of what he was going to do. Fury had talked to him about joining the new Shield, going on missions with the Avengers, and so he had for a while, until his hatred of it grew stronger than his fear, and one night he'd sat across from Steve at Steve's dining room table and gathered every shred of courage he possessed and said I'm not going to do this anymore. The no matter what you do to me, James felt, was implied. But Steve had smiled at him with what looked like profound relief, and James's heart had cracked open a little at the thought that Steve understood, that Steve wouldn't force him to be a weapon again, that Steve would let him be done. He thought about science, then, which he'd loved, or engineering, and spent a few months researching schools, but in the end he settled on law. His therapist, a grandmotherly sort with a negative tolerance for bullshit, has spent a lot of time with him on the idea that the atrocities he committed as the fist of Hydra were not his fault, and James understands her reasoning. But he also knows the truth, which is that he's hurt a lot of people. He can never make it right - the thought is obscene - but if the world is absurd enough, insane enough to give him a life after everything he's done, he's going to use it to do some fucking good.
He's a month into the program when a girl in his study group asks him if he'd like to get um, coffee, sometime? while blushing to the roots of her hair, and James isn't used to shyness but he can damn well recognize desire. Her name is Katie, and her head barely comes up to his chest. They actually do go for fucking coffee, which he wasn't expecting, and he hears all about her best friend from college (working for a tech start-up), and how she's finding New York (amazing, obviously), and how she's liking law school (well, it's the first semester), which James decodes easily enough as a continent away, overwhelming, and she isn't. Katie is young, James thinks, and lonely, if determined to be brave about it. She wants to know about him, too, and he gives her the story he's worked out with Steve, the one where he was in the army and lost his arm to an IED, which he's gotten better at telling.
She takes him home the following week, back to the cramped and messy student apartment she shares with two other girls, and when he shuts her bedroom door behind them and starts taking his clothes off things get briefly complicated. She pulls off her t-shirt, but crosses her arms over her chest, and then she's blushing again and explaining that she doesn't actually have a lot of um, experience? and asking if they can maybe take it slow, if that's all right with him. The hesitant tone and defensive posture make no fucking sense, because he's there to do whatever she wants, but he gives her his best reassuring smile and tells her of course that's fine with him, that's great. Then he puts his clothes back on, and she leads him to the bed, where they spend a long time kissing before she gets his cock out and slides down to take him into her mouth. He pets her hair and tries to think of nothing at all, and when he comes she rewards him with a grin, her face flushed with effort and arousal, looking thoroughly pleased with herself and with him.
Sex with Katie becomes a regular thing, after that, and eventually James decides he likes her. She's really fucking smart, and genuinely nice, and she wants to be a public defender. She's also just kind of tiny and adorable, which James wants to punch himself in the face for thinking about anyone, but he can't help it. It's a challenge, though, because he can't always tell exactly what she wants from him. He's getting ready to fuck her, sliding the head of his cock slickly against her cunt, not pushing in yet, teasing her - he hasn't been around a lot of women in the past seventy years, sure, but there was one lab tech (blond and statuesque, nothing like little dark Katie) who loved getting fucked by the Winter Solider, and of course there were girls before that, in Brooklyn - when he glances up to see that her expression has shifted from eager to intimidated and uncertain. He backs off, of course, but it just kind of slays him, because she didn't push him away, or say anything, and he does not want to fuck this up. The next time, not really thinking it will work but desperate to make it good for her, he tries out some of the stupid shit he's always hearing from Sam and Steve. Tell me what you want, come on, you're so fucking hot, whatever you want and I'll do it, don't be shy, tell me. She blushes furiously, but (wonder of wonders) she's really into it, and with a little coaxing the results are nothing short of spectacular. She wants him to play with her nipples. (She likes that a lot, which is actually pretty cute.) She wants him to use one hand to pin both of hers over her head. (She doesn't say which hand, but he gets the idea.)
He goes to parties a few times with her and her friends, and keeps creepy guys away from them, which is easy, partly because he looks the way he does, but partly, he imagines, because a little of what he feels must show on his face, which is that he will kill anyone who hurts this small person to whom the world has so plainly never been cruel, he will do it unhesitatingly and inventively. In November, right before exams, she gets a boyfriend, and stops wanting sex with him. After that, he starts to think of her as a friend.