Steve's lips pressed together, angry for a moment, and he nodded.
"Alright, Buck... you... you sure you want to discuss this?"
"I'm certain." Bucky said softly. "I tried hiding it but I can't sleep."

"You can't..." Steve looked at him and frowned. "This what's been keeping you awake?"
"Yeah." Bucky whispered, and Steve nodded, sitting down beside him. Bucky realised that he probably wanted to touch again, so he quickly obliged, cuddling up against Steve's side. Steve wrapped an arm around his shoulder, and Bucky felt himself relax.

This wasn't the disaster he'd been expecting. Steve was being patient, holding onto him and trying to reassure him.
"Alright." Steve said softly, stroking his hair. "If it's bothering you that much, we can talk about it. How do you want to do this?"

"I like you holding me." Bucky said softly. Bucky was comfortable here, safe here. Steve smiled at him, and Bucky tried to smile back.

"Okay. If me holding you helps make things easier, we can do that. So...is it seeing her fighting that's upsetting you?"
"Yeah." Bucky swallowed. "I mean... not her fighting. She's made so much of her life. She's a hero. I'm proud of her, that's not... don't ever think that I'm not proud. I just remember." Inwardly, Bucky cursed himself. He was letting too much of Natasha into this. Natasha was worth being proud of, that was true, but he wasn't. He had to focus on what happened to him, not to her. Anything else would be unfair.

"Okay. You tell me whatever you need to Buck. I'm right here to listen."
"She... was always popular." He began. "Men were always using her, not that she didn't deserve -"
"What?" Steve asked, frowning a little. "She didn't deserve anything that happened to her."

"She killed people." Bucky shrugged. "She did what Red Room wanted for everything else, right? And that was at least partially her choice. Why would this be any different?"
Steve's face did something funny, and he was silent for a little while before he spoke.
"Bucky, she didn't deserve it. No matter what she had done, it wasn't her fault. No one is... is ever to blame for something like that happening to them." Steve said softly. "And she didn't have any choice on the murders. So you can't turn around and use them as a reason for everything else that happened. It's not how this works."

Bucky nodded, smiling at him a little to himself. This was going well so far. This was what he had needed to hear, to have Steve hold him close and say that despite everything he had done wrong, it didn't make it his fault.

"Okay." He said softly, needing it to be true. "Okay. She didn't deserve it... but it still happened, a lot." He squirmed, hands tensing into fists. He just had to work out what to say. "Does that mean she didn't deserve it even when... one of the handlers, he gave her some chocolate sometimes. So she didn't mind... doing things for him. It wasn't... like the rest of it. She wanted chocolate."

"That wasn't right either Bucky. She didn't have any kind of real choice..." Steve paused. "Does that mean the two of you can't be close now? If it's a problem..."
"It's not a problem." Bucky said quickly, able to taste the chocolate he had had a life time ago as though it was yesterday. It was painfully sweet, making his teeth ache after all the years. But it was better than the gruel he normally ate. "It's good to...to hear that. I had been wondering about that at times."

"Natasha... was under a very difficult situation." Steve said softly. "I don't know too much about it. I haven't asked. It wasn't my place. But it wasn't her fault."

"Then should I have stopped it?" Bucky said. "I knew it was happening..." As he said that, he thought back to all of the guards standing around, laughing and watching even if they weren't going to take their turn. He could feel their gaze, staring at him, making his skin itch.

"It wasn't your fault Bucky. You didn't have any more choice than she did there, they were controlling you." He was rubbing Bucky's shoulder now, the human one. Bucky thought of those guards, expected to be there, expected to watch. Laughing. Nothing different from what he was saying to Steve. It wasn't their fault. It had been good for morale to watch him bleed, that was all. He took a deep breath, and nodded once more.

"I... I suppose..."
"Whatever they made you do." Steve said softly and Bucky looked down, focussing on leaning into his shoulder. "It wasn't your fault."
"Thanks." Bucky forced his smile, considering his options. So far, his response had been balanced. Some of it was encouraging. Other bits far less so, but at least he was finding out what Steve thought safely. This way, no one got hurt. "Can...can I talk to you about what I saw? It's been keeping me awake."