Steve glanced at the others, then back at Natasha, and shook his head. "I can't." He said softly. "Not here." Watching through the window, Bucky felt his guts twist in terror.
Natasha pressed her lips together for a moment, but she nodded, leaning in and whispering into his ear. Steve nodded, and they separated, heading off to the showers. Bucky was sad he had missed the fight, and this time he couldn't even be grateful he didn't have to undress near the team. He was too aware of Natasha, too busy trying to work out what would happen now.
He didn't want it to go wrong, but he was starting to think it already had. Steve had treated Natasha differently, shown her the distance that should have been aimed at him, and that left him shaking.
He jumped slightly as a mug of coffee was placed down in front of him by the doctor. He looked at Banner in confusion, but Banner was already back at his workstation. It took him a couple of moments to decide to drink the hot liquid. It was fresh, the heat of it burning his tongue, and for a second the pain helped him to forget his fear. Then he saw the others leaving the showers, pulling on their clothes - Barton first, still half-undressed as he walked away. Then Stark, busy gesturing to the AI that watched his every move, and then Falcon. There was a pause, before Steve emerged, walking beside Natasha. Thor would be a while yet.
Bucky thought through his options. He could go to them, beg for forgiveness, but doing so would reveal too much. So his other option was to do nothing. To let them talk, and damn whatever happened next. He couldn't imagine Steve would tell her the details... He had to follow. They had taken the elevator to Steve's floor - somewhere neutral. The team went there often for post-mission debriefs and drinks. It wasn't Natasha's sanctuary, but it was his own, and Steve's. It was an act of kindness, he could tell that. So Natasha’s space wouldn’t be violated by what was to come.
But he needed to know what he would be facing. He hurtled up the stairs, and as he approached the door it let itself open. He raised a hand in thanks to the AI, and made his way into the apartment, walking silently.
He could see Agent Romanoff, standing by a table, her knives set out in front of her. She was cleaning them. At the other side of the table, with his back to the door Bucky had entered by, was Steve. Romanoff looked at Bucky when he entered, but she gave no outward sign of having seen him.
"I'm sorry." Steve said softly. "I didn’t mean to upset you." The sincerity in Steve's voice hurt Bucky's chest, especially when he was suddenly painfully aware he was the cause of it. He curled in on himself slightly as the discussion continued.
"You haven't upset me. You have concerned me. You have been treating me differently the last week. Like I am made of eggshell. Now either you are beginning to question whether I belong on this team, or there is something else which you are not telling me."
There was a pause, and Steve sighed out, his breath loud in the quiet room. "Bucky told me."
"Told you what?" Natasha asked, her gaze going to where Bucky was standing. "About what happened to you in Red Room. About what he saw those men do..."
"He was an assigned body guard to some of the officers. He saw what he saw." She shrugged. "It does not bother me."
"He said that they...hurt you." "Of course they hurt me Rogers. They wanted me able to resist torture. That works a lot easier if someone is used to pain."
Bucky was glad he couldn't see the emotions crossing Steve's face at those words. He could hear the pain in Steve's voice though, and that was enough to make him feel almost dizzy. "They ...forced you to sleep with them." "And they forced me to kill and they forced me to go days without sleep and they forced me to cut my hair and they forced me to learn English and they..." She laughed softly. "You wouldn't send any of us out into the field to try a new move without giving us the chance to practice it first. It was the same for them."
"Nat..." Steve's voice sounded soft, shaking a little. "You can't think that it was... I mean, what he described... that they would hurt you because you were bored... groups of them... He said he saw you crying, and you've been so brave, but that wasn't right...Natasha, that was wrong. You can’t make excuses for it. That was so wrong, you didn't deserve-"
Steve fell silent, because Natasha had reached out, pressing one finger to Steve's lips. He shivered slightly, watching her. "He is confused." She said softly, looking beyond Steve to where Bucky stood in silent horror. "They never did that. They did not want me to fear sex. It would have been no good for them, for the Red Room girls to fear being touched. We would not have worked efficiently. They trained me in sex, like they trained me to fight. The only time I cried was when I was told to. The only time Barnes saw me like that was when he was told to practice with me."
Steve said nothing for a few moments, and Natasha was silent, then she frowned a little and straightened up. "I know you are trying to help Cap. But I don't need it. Whatever Barnes told you? They never did that." She bent, gathering up her knives, and then walking away. She paused at the doorway, looking back over her shoulder. "Not to me."
Fill: Giving the Blame (6/8)
"I can't." He said softly. "Not here."
Watching through the window, Bucky felt his guts twist in terror.
Natasha pressed her lips together for a moment, but she nodded, leaning in and whispering into his ear. Steve nodded, and they separated, heading off to the showers. Bucky was sad he had missed the fight, and this time he couldn't even be grateful he didn't have to undress near the team. He was too aware of Natasha, too busy trying to work out what would happen now.
He didn't want it to go wrong, but he was starting to think it already had. Steve had treated Natasha differently, shown her the distance that should have been aimed at him, and that left him shaking.
He jumped slightly as a mug of coffee was placed down in front of him by the doctor. He looked at Banner in confusion, but Banner was already back at his workstation. It took him a couple of moments to decide to drink the hot liquid. It was fresh, the heat of it burning his tongue, and for a second the pain helped him to forget his fear. Then he saw the others leaving the showers, pulling on their clothes - Barton first, still half-undressed as he walked away. Then Stark, busy gesturing to the AI that watched his every move, and then Falcon. There was a pause, before Steve emerged, walking beside Natasha. Thor would be a while yet.
Bucky thought through his options. He could go to them, beg for forgiveness, but doing so would reveal too much. So his other option was to do nothing. To let them talk, and damn whatever happened next. He couldn't imagine Steve would tell her the details... He had to follow. They had taken the elevator to Steve's floor - somewhere neutral. The team went there often for post-mission debriefs and drinks. It wasn't Natasha's sanctuary, but it was his own, and Steve's. It was an act of kindness, he could tell that. So Natasha’s space wouldn’t be violated by what was to come.
But he needed to know what he would be facing. He hurtled up the stairs, and as he approached the door it let itself open. He raised a hand in thanks to the AI, and made his way into the apartment, walking silently.
He could see Agent Romanoff, standing by a table, her knives set out in front of her. She was cleaning them. At the other side of the table, with his back to the door Bucky had entered by, was Steve. Romanoff looked at Bucky when he entered, but she gave no outward sign of having seen him.
"I'm sorry." Steve said softly. "I didn’t mean to upset you." The sincerity in Steve's voice hurt Bucky's chest, especially when he was suddenly painfully aware he was the cause of it. He curled in on himself slightly as the discussion continued.
"You haven't upset me. You have concerned me. You have been treating me differently the last week. Like I am made of eggshell. Now either you are beginning to question whether I belong on this team, or there is something else which you are not telling me."
There was a pause, and Steve sighed out, his breath loud in the quiet room.
"Bucky told me."
"Told you what?" Natasha asked, her gaze going to where Bucky was standing.
"About what happened to you in Red Room. About what he saw those men do..."
"He was an assigned body guard to some of the officers. He saw what he saw." She shrugged. "It does not bother me."
"He said that they...hurt you."
"Of course they hurt me Rogers. They wanted me able to resist torture. That works a lot easier if someone is used to pain."
Bucky was glad he couldn't see the emotions crossing Steve's face at those words. He could hear the pain in Steve's voice though, and that was enough to make him feel almost dizzy.
"They ...forced you to sleep with them."
"And they forced me to kill and they forced me to go days without sleep and they forced me to cut my hair and they forced me to learn English and they..." She laughed softly. "You wouldn't send any of us out into the field to try a new move without giving us the chance to practice it first. It was the same for them."
"Nat..." Steve's voice sounded soft, shaking a little. "You can't think that it was... I mean, what he described... that they would hurt you because you were bored... groups of them... He said he saw you crying, and you've been so brave, but that wasn't right...Natasha, that was wrong. You can’t make excuses for it. That was so wrong, you didn't deserve-"
Steve fell silent, because Natasha had reached out, pressing one finger to Steve's lips. He shivered slightly, watching her.
"He is confused." She said softly, looking beyond Steve to where Bucky stood in silent horror. "They never did that. They did not want me to fear sex. It would have been no good for them, for the Red Room girls to fear being touched. We would not have worked efficiently. They trained me in sex, like they trained me to fight. The only time I cried was when I was told to. The only time Barnes saw me like that was when he was told to practice with me."
Steve said nothing for a few moments, and Natasha was silent, then she frowned a little and straightened up.
"I know you are trying to help Cap. But I don't need it. Whatever Barnes told you? They never did that." She bent, gathering up her knives, and then walking away. She paused at the doorway, looking back over her shoulder. "Not to me."