Eventually, Steve figures out the solution to his need to talk. It’s pretty obvious, actually, and he’s a little embarrassed it took him this long to come ‘round to it.
He should talk to Bucky. Right.
He was probably subconsciously avoiding doing that because it makes him pretty uncomfortable, which he is at least able to recognize as a fucking stupid reason to not do what is clearly the right thing and will probably make both him and Bucky feel better about this whole uncomfortable situation.
Therapy has taught him a lot about the best ways to have difficult conversations, so he makes sure to raise it at a time when both he and Bucky are relaxed, at home where they both feel safe, and physically facing each other but not too close so Bucky doesn’t feel ganged up on or pressured.
“So Buck. I was wondering if we could talk for a second.”
“Sure thing.” Bucky puts down his pulp novel and looks at Steve. “What’s up?”
“Uh, I’ve been thinking. About the thing you’ve mentioned a couple of times. You know.”
“You punishing me?” Bucky says, and right away his energy seems to shift. It’s like he’s becoming calmer, more grounded, more focused. His eyes are on Steve, and he’s in the moment, not at all distracted or thinking about the past or anything else that still happens with some frequency.
“Yeah.”
“What about it?”
“Well, um, I’m not saying I’m gonna, or that I think I can, or anything like that. But I figured I ought to at least talk about it with you. Find out why it’s so important to you. I owe you that much.”
“Finally, you idiot,” Bucky says, which makes Steve feel at least a little hopeful that this isn’t all some kind of horrible trauma reaction that proves Bucky is regressing and needs to be protected from a dangerous urge to harm himself. He’s pretty sure Bucky didn’t go around calling his Hydra handlers idiots.
“Sorry?”
“I’ve been waiting for this for ages. Yes, what do you want to know?”
“I want to know why, Buck. Why is this so important to you? I mean, not to bring up painful memories, but you aren’t exactly big on asking for stuff…”
“Nah, it’s a fair question. Um, give me a second, this is pretty tricky to explain.” But Bucky’s voice is steady, and he’s meeting Steve’s eyes. “A bunch of the memories from the stuff that happened to me really mess me up, but most of them I know I need to find ways to deal with. The fact that I tortured people, killed people… that’s gonna stay with me forever, and I know that. I’m okay with that. I’ll deal with the guilt and I’ll do what I can to make it right. But the other stuff is, um, a different story.”
Steve doesn’t say anything, too afraid his words will come out wrong. It’s pretty rare and special that Bucky is talking about his past at all. He knows that if he pushes too much or too hard, he’ll lose this chance altogether, and he doesn’t want that. Luckily, Bucky doesn’t seem to need any prodding.
“I know I shouldn’t feel bad about any of that. It’s not like I asked HYDRA to spend seventy years shoving their dicks in me every way they could figure out how to, you know? Actually, I would really have rather they didn’t. Like, intellectually, I get that it’s not my fault. But I can’t stop feeling it.”
That makes some sense to Steve. He’s read up a lot about trauma and PTSD and sexual assault, and everything Bucky is saying lines up with what he’s learned.
“And the guilt gets worse every time I get close to you, Stevie. It’s like there’s this voice in my head that’ll start screaming that I’m dirty, that I don’t deserve to be with you or talk to you or, especially, touch you. And I’ve tried all kinds of things that might make it better, I’ve tried and tried, but nothing helps. And then I think about how rotten I felt after I messed around with Joe Donaghue, and how much better I felt after you licked me, and I figured, maybe it’d work again. Because I know it wouldn’t really make up for it, but I also know I don’t really have anything to apologize for, and I thought, maybe I just need that kind of… release. And I need it to come from you.”
“Oh,” Steve says, because this is all starting to make a kind of sense to him. It’s starting to be the kind of thing that feels like he could do it and live with himself afterwards.
“Also, uh, I think you’re pretty damn hot when you’re all self-righteous and angry, and I gotta tell you, I like the idea of that all getting directed right at my ass.”
“Huh,” Steve repeats. Because that, well, that he can do. He’s not sure about all the complicated emotions here, but if it’s a sex thing, that makes it a little easier.
“So?” Bucky asks, sitting on the edge of his seat a little. “You gonna do it?”
“We gotta talk about this some more, Buck. What you want me to do, exactly. Where the limits are. What will help you.”
“But—“
“Yeah,” Steve says, smiling at the delight that passes over Bucky’s face. “I’m in.”
the claim (4/8)
He should talk to Bucky. Right.
He was probably subconsciously avoiding doing that because it makes him pretty uncomfortable, which he is at least able to recognize as a fucking stupid reason to not do what is clearly the right thing and will probably make both him and Bucky feel better about this whole uncomfortable situation.
Therapy has taught him a lot about the best ways to have difficult conversations, so he makes sure to raise it at a time when both he and Bucky are relaxed, at home where they both feel safe, and physically facing each other but not too close so Bucky doesn’t feel ganged up on or pressured.
“So Buck. I was wondering if we could talk for a second.”
“Sure thing.” Bucky puts down his pulp novel and looks at Steve. “What’s up?”
“Uh, I’ve been thinking. About the thing you’ve mentioned a couple of times. You know.”
“You punishing me?” Bucky says, and right away his energy seems to shift. It’s like he’s becoming calmer, more grounded, more focused. His eyes are on Steve, and he’s in the moment, not at all distracted or thinking about the past or anything else that still happens with some frequency.
“Yeah.”
“What about it?”
“Well, um, I’m not saying I’m gonna, or that I think I can, or anything like that. But I figured I ought to at least talk about it with you. Find out why it’s so important to you. I owe you that much.”
“Finally, you idiot,” Bucky says, which makes Steve feel at least a little hopeful that this isn’t all some kind of horrible trauma reaction that proves Bucky is regressing and needs to be protected from a dangerous urge to harm himself. He’s pretty sure Bucky didn’t go around calling his Hydra handlers idiots.
“Sorry?”
“I’ve been waiting for this for ages. Yes, what do you want to know?”
“I want to know why, Buck. Why is this so important to you? I mean, not to bring up painful memories, but you aren’t exactly big on asking for stuff…”
“Nah, it’s a fair question. Um, give me a second, this is pretty tricky to explain.” But Bucky’s voice is steady, and he’s meeting Steve’s eyes. “A bunch of the memories from the stuff that happened to me really mess me up, but most of them I know I need to find ways to deal with. The fact that I tortured people, killed people… that’s gonna stay with me forever, and I know that. I’m okay with that. I’ll deal with the guilt and I’ll do what I can to make it right. But the other stuff is, um, a different story.”
Steve doesn’t say anything, too afraid his words will come out wrong. It’s pretty rare and special that Bucky is talking about his past at all. He knows that if he pushes too much or too hard, he’ll lose this chance altogether, and he doesn’t want that. Luckily, Bucky doesn’t seem to need any prodding.
“I know I shouldn’t feel bad about any of that. It’s not like I asked HYDRA to spend seventy years shoving their dicks in me every way they could figure out how to, you know? Actually, I would really have rather they didn’t. Like, intellectually, I get that it’s not my fault. But I can’t stop feeling it.”
That makes some sense to Steve. He’s read up a lot about trauma and PTSD and sexual assault, and everything Bucky is saying lines up with what he’s learned.
“And the guilt gets worse every time I get close to you, Stevie. It’s like there’s this voice in my head that’ll start screaming that I’m dirty, that I don’t deserve to be with you or talk to you or, especially, touch you. And I’ve tried all kinds of things that might make it better, I’ve tried and tried, but nothing helps. And then I think about how rotten I felt after I messed around with Joe Donaghue, and how much better I felt after you licked me, and I figured, maybe it’d work again. Because I know it wouldn’t really make up for it, but I also know I don’t really have anything to apologize for, and I thought, maybe I just need that kind of… release. And I need it to come from you.”
“Oh,” Steve says, because this is all starting to make a kind of sense to him. It’s starting to be the kind of thing that feels like he could do it and live with himself afterwards.
“Also, uh, I think you’re pretty damn hot when you’re all self-righteous and angry, and I gotta tell you, I like the idea of that all getting directed right at my ass.”
“Huh,” Steve repeats. Because that, well, that he can do. He’s not sure about all the complicated emotions here, but if it’s a sex thing, that makes it a little easier.
“So?” Bucky asks, sitting on the edge of his seat a little. “You gonna do it?”
“We gotta talk about this some more, Buck. What you want me to do, exactly. Where the limits are. What will help you.”
“But—“
“Yeah,” Steve says, smiling at the delight that passes over Bucky’s face. “I’m in.”