There were a lot of things Steve had struggled not to fantasize about for a large part of the past century. Post-coital cuddling was doing him nicely at the moment. He didn’t want a new argument. That said, he hadn’t missed Bucky’s struggle with the blowjob. Rushing into things after one success felt like a bad plan.

Slowly, he said, “I’d be happy to be catcher sometime.”

“Sometime,” Bucky repeated, very neutral.

“I mean, not tonight. We can… let things settle a little first, right? We don’t need to jump right into everything.”

“No, Steve,” said Bucky, still very very neutral and even. “Of course we can let things settle. Dunno why I thought you might want to do anything else. We don’t need to jump right into everything, you aggravating punk! And don’t you fucking dare say you’re sorry.”

Closing his mouth, Steve tried not to wince and failed. He could tell Bucky was glowering at him now, even though he couldn’t see his expression.

“Jesus Christ, Steve. I don’t know if I want to admire your newfound restraint or punch you in the face.”

“Can you tell me why you’re angry now?” Therapy was good for learning to continue uncomfortable conversations.

“I just did.”

“Then I didn’t understand.”

With a deep despairing sigh, Bucky at least turned into him to press his face to Steve’s chest. “Why are you so stupid, Rogers.”

Well, that wasn’t so bad. Steve smiled fondly. “Maybe I’m just overwhelmed by the handsome fella in my bed?”

Bucky snorted. “Stupid,” he said again, but the insult was affectionate. “I’m mad because you used to jump into things all the time and now you have chronic cold feet. I mean, you used to have the cold feet before too, but they were a hellavalot more literal back then.”

“Mmm,” said Steve, noncommittal. He kissed Bucky’s right collarbone.

“I…” Bucky’s voice wavered, perilously close to breaking. Steve could feel the warmth of his uneven breaths on his bare skin. “I don’t really want you to make the decisions here. For you to make me do things. Even if it would be easier. It’s. It’s just not fair. Not fair to ask that. Not fair this isn’t easy for us.”

Steve said nothing. We hit puberty in the 1930s. Never was gonna be easy, pal. No, that made him sound like an insensitive asshole. He couldn’t say he was sorry or even that he fully understood Bucky’s feelings. I love you. I’m lucky you can stand the sight of me. He could say that. The first part, at least.

“I love you,” Steve said. “Partner.”

“But you love the Winter Soldier too, right?”

Steve took a deep lungful in through his nose. Even now, notes of leather, sweat, and smoke remained, though they were overpowered by arousal, fear, and fresher, healthier scents. “Yeah. Because I love you,.”

“But you want to keep taking it slow. Make me call the shots.”

Settling his arms around Bucky’s neck, Steve tucked them closer together. “I want to be yours. I want you inside me.”

Obligingly, Bucky threw a leg over Steve’s legs. “Are you sure you want that? You don’t just think you owe it to me or something?”

“I’ve been tryin’ not to fantasize about it since you told me about your first time you hit a homerun with a dame.”

“Shit, Steve. I don’t remember when that was, but we musta been…”

“A hellavalot younger than we are now, yeah.”

“Did I do that a lot?”

He had to think about it. His impression had always been that Bucky mostly saw them home with a kiss. At most, he used his mouth or fingers. How many girls had Bucky actually put his dick in? Two? Three? Three, he decided, and not one of them after he and Steve had starting living together. He might have had sex with them more than once, but there hadn’t been that many times. Bucky had been rightly terrified of getting someone in the family way and they could still have a lot of fun without risking it. If there had been more girls while he was in the army, Bucky had never said.

Bucky cleared his throat awkwardly and Steve blurted out the first response that came to mind. “Bucky, no. You played the dating game like nobody’s business, but you usually gave girls the kind of good time that couldn’t get anyone in trouble.”

“Pregnant, you mean,” Bucky stated plainly. “But that couldn’t happen with men. Did I ever tell you about fucking men? I don’t remember doing it, but…”

But he didn’t remember a lot, when it came right down to it. Still, this was a question Steve felt confident answering.

“As far as I know, you’ve never been the penetrative partner during anal sex with a man or a woman,” he said and shifted uncomfortably. He could feel himself going pink. “You got a finger in me at the Retreat, but I think that was just to prove prostates exist so I’d fuck you. We, ah, we broke a few other rules at the time too.” Personal experience seemed to be confirmed by what he’d seen of the asset’s files. Female agents had ridden it as part of the reward system, but they were still topping.

He felt more than heard Bucky swallow thickly. “I remember the Retreat. I think. Most of it. The whips were somewhere else, though, right?”

His heart clenched, exactly like and nothing like the palpitations he used to suffer. “Th-” -at’s right. No. He wasn’t saying that. “Yeah, Buck. That mighta been the safehouse after the mission before the Retreat. You were wiped twice between, so no wonder if they’re a little mixed up.” They almost never talked specifics like this. What was he doing? And yet, Bucky seemed to be clutching Steve tighter instead of doing the reasonable thing and getting the fuck away from him.

“The part about the... I don’t want that,” Bucky said, almost subaudible. “Sometimes I might want some of what helped me as the asset, but I don’t want that. P-punishments. I didn’t-”

Shocked and sickened, Steve stumbled over his own words of denial. “God, Buck. Me either. Never again. No more-”

Bucky interrupted him. “I don’t want to worry about other people or play power games. I want to make love.”

I love you. I don’t deserve you, but I love you so much.

“Then that’s what we’ll do. When we’re both ready.”

“When we’re both ready,” Bucky agreed.

A few days later, Steve finally got his mouth on Bucky’s beautiful hard cock. They were in the gym, doing their best to pretend like they were comfortable where anyone might walk in. Steve looked over to see how Bucky was doing and was treated to the sight of Bucky stretching his arms over his head before laying a hand towel across the back of his sweaty neck. The heathered dark gray tank top he wore pulled tight over his chest, riding up to expose a strip of glistening skin, and Steve made a desperate percussive noise like he was being choked.

Bucky met his eyes and smiled and it took all Steve’s self-control not to simply turn away from the speed bag and stumble toward him like some sort of lurching lust-zombie.

“Can I…” He realized his wrapped hands were trembling at the same moment Bucky shifted the way he held himself to make the bulge in his sweats obvious. “Oh, God. Bucky. Can I… do something for you?”

Hesitation and something like regret crossed Bucky’s face. “I need to wash the sweat off.”

Swallowing a mouth suddenly full of saliva, Steve nodded. “Okay. Later?”

Bucky bit his lip and looked away for a moment before looking back with nervous determination. “Okay. If you’re sure.”

They had a few false starts due to Steve’s inexperience and Bucky’s initial panic that having someone’s mouth on him felt wrong, not allowed. They’d gotten there, though.

Later had come, and so had Bucky, staring down at Steve with what could only be described as wonder in his wet eyes.

James Barnes was officially reinstated among the living and cleared of responsibility for actions taken between his fall from the train and walking into the tower of his own volition. Neither Bucky nor Steve paid much thought to the media frenzy outside. Steve had pre-recorded and approved statements. Bucky did too, but it was only a single soundbite, filmed by Steve’s phone on the roof of the tower with Bucky turned half away to look out at a New York sunrise and loose hair blowing around his face.

“I’m just grateful to have a chance to be a person again. I didn’t know… I didn’t know a lot. A year ago, being Bucky Barnes and knowing Steve Rogers wasn’t even a possibility. It didn’t seem plausible that I could be anything but what they told me I was. Good thing it’s kinda hard to deny Captain America.”

“Oh my God, Buck,” Steve said, skin radiating more than his usual high-metabolism heat. “You can’t say that on national news. International news. Jesus Christ.”

Bucky stared flatly at him. “You said I could say whatever I wanted.”

That was true.

“Besides, you’ve been denying me a lot more,” Bucky went on. “But no one needs to know that part.”

Damn everything straight to hell, that was also true.

A sudden rush of readiness ran through him. Feeling clear-headed and reckless, Steve blurted, “I’m not denying you anything anymore. Try me.” It wasn’t quite the same as starting a fight but the desperate physicality of the urge was a close thing. He realized he’d set his jaw like he was inviting a punch.

Catching the shift in demeanor, Bucky bit his lower lip and frowned at him while Steve held very still under his scrutiny. Finally, Bucky’s body language softened. He reached out with his right hand and cupped Steve’s jaw. “Steve. Can I take you to bed? I want to do more than try you.”

Steve’s shiver was not because of the chill in the air. “Yes.”

The hand ran from this cheek down his neck, under his arm, and around his back. Bucky pulled him into his side. “Okay.”