I am in so much pain right now. And I did not realize this was a WIP when I started it, so that kind of pain as well. God. I can deal with people being straightforwardly awful to the soldier, like, the worst kind of physical and sexual violence, humiliation, etc, but this! This! The WORST. Just. That memory. It's so beautiful. I'm grieving its loss and sickened at Pierce's remorseless perversion of it, his awful voyeurism. AND he made him forget it. Which. I mean. It has to be one of the most wonderful moments of Bucky's life, would probably have always been one of his happiest memories (if not THE happiest because jesus how do you beat the time you confessed your feelings to the love of your life, and not only the love of your life, but this person you admire that much, and learned they were reciprocated?) even if he and Steve had lived through the war and been together well into old age. But with everything that's happened to him, he -needs- that memory! Even if he can't reach it most of the time. And now. Now, even if he is able to find it again, he has this filth associated with it.
I hope this doesn't turn into one of those stories I bookmark and check once every few months only to find it languishing away unfinished years later. Like, no lie, I'll probably reread it regardless because it's beautiful, but I'd really appreciate closure.
This bit:
- “So angry.” The Winter Soldier still has its eyes squeezed shut. Its head lolls back, and the grimace slackens closer to pleasure. "So angry that day. You seemed… it was you, but bigger. Not on outside, but you: the important parts. All of you huge and lit up, on fire. Beautiful,” the soldier gasps. “Mad as I’d ever seen you. Thought you were gonna sock me one right in the mouth, best day of my fuckin’ life.” -
AND THEN THIS FUCKING THING:
- Pierce says, "You love me, don't you? It's okay."
And just like that, the soldier is weeping with broken joy. Its heartbeat thunders through the bare chest it presses against Pierce. Its grin is flushed, dizzy. -
Gah. Stab me right in the throat, why don't you. Just put me out of my misery.
Re: Up Close Ache 4.4.1/5
I hope this doesn't turn into one of those stories I bookmark and check once every few months only to find it languishing away unfinished years later. Like, no lie, I'll probably reread it regardless because it's beautiful, but I'd really appreciate closure.
This bit:
-
“So angry.” The Winter Soldier still has its eyes squeezed shut. Its head lolls back, and the grimace slackens closer to pleasure. "So angry that day. You seemed… it was you, but bigger. Not on outside, but you: the important parts. All of you huge and lit up, on fire. Beautiful,” the soldier gasps. “Mad as I’d ever seen you. Thought you were gonna sock me one right in the mouth, best day of my fuckin’ life.”
-
AND THEN THIS FUCKING THING:
-
Pierce says, "You love me, don't you? It's okay."
And just like that, the soldier is weeping with broken joy. Its heartbeat thunders through the bare chest it presses against Pierce. Its grin is flushed, dizzy.
-
Gah. Stab me right in the throat, why don't you. Just put me out of my misery.
[muffled sobs in the background]
...
I HAVE DEEP EMOTIONAL FEELINGS
D: