They like to tell him that he is safe. The refer to him by a name he does not recognize; he thinks of himself only as the Asset.
He supposes he is the Former Asset now. This feels like being decommissioned.
They have taken the majority of his weapons, though they have yet made no motions toward removing his arm. When that day comes, when they wheel him into a lab and lay him down under bright lights, he knows that will be the ultimate ending of him.
In many ways, he looks forward to it. He is very tired. It seems like it would be a restful thing, to no longer have any awareness.
But today is not that day, or at least it is not that day yet. So the Former Asset follows the routine that the familiar blond man has set out for him, that the former blond man claims will "help Bucky feel better by giving you some structure."
Some days, though the blond man has promised that he is not, thus emphasizing that the Former Asset is being decommissioned, the Former Asset thinks the blond man would be a good handler. The Former Asset would do whatever the blond man told him, too, and the blond man would tell him that he had done a good job before returning him to the ice.
But other days, the Former Asset thinks, the blond man lacks the necessary cruelty to truly be a good handler. He never punishes the Former Asset when he has done something wrong.
They tell the Former Asset that he is safe but no matter how closely he follows the provided routine, they do not decommission him and he is left to fear it. Nor do they decommission him when he flouts the provided routine. He can provoke them in no predictable fashion. The Former Asset is exhausted by their lack of response.
He knows that the building is monitoring him. Clothing for him appears in the blond man's living quarters, and the Former Asset wears what comes to hand. The blond man asks him what his preferences are and mentions that he seems to favor a soft, hooded jacket made from a cozy black material. The blond man says the building told him the Former Asset wears it every day.
The Former Asset is too large for the building's vent system but he finds other ways to make a special journey to the basement, where garbage is gathered and incinerated. He throws the hooded jacket into the fire and thinks about what it would be like to burn instead of to freeze.
It does not sound restful.
The red-headed woman who makes him him reach weapons that are no longer strapped against his skin comes to find him. She brings a quiet man with rumpled clothes. They tell him that the building has reported the Former Asset does not seem to be sleeping. They ask what they can do to help him. They tell him that he is safe.
He would tell them that he does not understand the purpose of this lie but they would only insist that they were telling him the truth. So the Former Asset does not speak at all.
***
"Hey, Bucky? What do you want for dinner? I was thinking maybe spaghetti?" The blond man often asks such facile questions. (The blond man has insisted that his name is Steve and that the Former Asset refer to him as such but the Former Asset will do as he pleases in his own mind. These handlers do not have the Chair. The blond man continues to assert that he is not a handler but the Former Asset will use the language of what he knows because otherwise he has no words for these captors who are waiting for unknown reasons before they decommission him.)
The Former Asset does not speak.
But he eats what is put before him on a plate. It is neither better nor worse than the liquid technicians put in his stomach through a tube when he was defrosted before missions. There is more chewing involved.
The blond man fills the air between them with words.
"Hey, Buck, remember how we used to go out to Coney Island for hot dogs? They still have the best hot dogs out there. We'll go some time, once you're feeling a little better."
The blond man fills the air between them with words but none of them make sense to the Former Asset so he ignores them, eats the spaghetti efficiently. There is no one to punish him for making a mess but he finds he would still rather not end the day (end his service) with red sauce on his chin or clothes. When they decommission him, he would like to be clean.
When his plate is empty, the Former Asset leaves the table.
***
The building has reported that the Former Asset spends a great deal of time in the bathtub, up to his chin in hot water. The blond man does not castigate the Former Asset for wasting resources. Instead, he brings the Former Asset towels.
Very large, very soft towels. The Former Asset regards them with suspicion.
He is not cold when he is in the bathtub, when he has succeeded in filling the small space with steamy moist air. That no one seems interested in taking this sanctuary away from him is suspicious.
The towels are suspicious. But they are also very plush. They do not hurt when he uses them to dry his skin and hair before he dresses instead of putting his clothes on over still-wet skin, which was his habit before.
If they have not been satisfied, have not decommissioned him yet over the holes he has made in the walls and the food he has eaten, perhaps they will decommission him for using the towels. The Former Asset did not realize before that he might have a preference but he finds that he would rather know what it is like to have used the towels before he is finally allowed to rest.
Even so, he remains suspicious.
***
"Sam, I don't know, he won't talk to me and he just keeps, um, skulking? Is that a word people still use? I feel like it's a harsh word but he just keeps skulking around."
The blond man speaks in hushed tones, thinks the Former Asset is still in the bathtub. But the Former Asset has dried himself again with the provided towels and dressed in the provided clothes and moved with extra silence because he has forgone his shoes. He has also forgone his socks because bare feet have more traction on polished wooden floors.
There is a long pause and the Former Asset can picture the blond man's expression even though he cannot see the blond man's face; there is the sound of a slowly expelled breath through nostrils because the lips are tightly pressed together.
"No, you're right, I know. It hasn't been very long. And he's spending all that time taking baths. He's got something he likes, I know that's good."
The Former Asset scowls. He knew the building would tell them, he knew the towels were suspicious. They are going to use this against him somehow even though they have continued to tell him that he is safe.
"I promise. No, you're right, I promise. I won't push him to talk to me or do anything."
The Former Asset shakes his head. He was wrong. The blond man - Steve - would have made a terrible handler.
He waits for Steve to hang up the phone. He waits for Steve to walk toward the back of the apartment, to run into the Former Asset in the hall.
"Oh, Bucky. I didn't know you were done. What do you want for dinner? I was thinking about beef stew tonight, it's getting cold out. Something hearty, you know?"
The Former Asset rolls his eyes.
Steve trips over his own feet and his face turns pink.
That is...not suspicious. The Former Asset does not smile or laugh because to smile or laugh belongs to others. But he thinks...he would rather make Steve react in such a way again before the Former Asset is decommissioned. He would not mind resting if he were laid down with the memory of Steve's flush.
They have beef stew for dinner. The Former Asset still does not speak. But when his plate is empty, he does not leave the table. He listens to Steve speak.
***
They tell him that he is safe. The Former Asset does not know what that means. He feels the encroaching ice when he closes his eyes, sees only red in the darkness.
But he uses the towels, no matter how suspicious they are. And when another hooded jacket appears in Steve's apartment for his use, he does not take it to the incinerator. He supposes the building told them what he did.
The hooded jacket is soft. Softer than the towels.
It keeps him warm. Almost as warm as the bathtub.
The Former Asset likes to be warm.
It is strange to have a preference. Perhaps they will decommission him for daring to. And the Former Asset...
The Former Asset is still tired. He would like to rest. But he would rather not be permanently decommissioned. He would like to remain in this warm space with Steve.
Steve would still make a terrible handler. But the Former Asset does not care about that. He would do whatever Steve told him and Steve would tell the Former Asset about things Steve and the man named Bucky did in the past while the Former Asset eats whatever dinner Steve has made.
***
They tell him that he is safe.
He does not know what that means.
But the Former Asset, the man they call Bucky, knows what it means to be warm, knows that they want him to be warm.
It is a good feeling.
And though he is suspicious, the man they call Bucky would like to keep it.
FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 1/?
He supposes he is the Former Asset now. This feels like being decommissioned.
They have taken the majority of his weapons, though they have yet made no motions toward removing his arm. When that day comes, when they wheel him into a lab and lay him down under bright lights, he knows that will be the ultimate ending of him.
In many ways, he looks forward to it. He is very tired. It seems like it would be a restful thing, to no longer have any awareness.
But today is not that day, or at least it is not that day yet. So the Former Asset follows the routine that the familiar blond man has set out for him, that the former blond man claims will "help Bucky feel better by giving you some structure."
Some days, though the blond man has promised that he is not, thus emphasizing that the Former Asset is being decommissioned, the Former Asset thinks the blond man would be a good handler. The Former Asset would do whatever the blond man told him, too, and the blond man would tell him that he had done a good job before returning him to the ice.
But other days, the Former Asset thinks, the blond man lacks the necessary cruelty to truly be a good handler. He never punishes the Former Asset when he has done something wrong.
They tell the Former Asset that he is safe but no matter how closely he follows the provided routine, they do not decommission him and he is left to fear it. Nor do they decommission him when he flouts the provided routine. He can provoke them in no predictable fashion. The Former Asset is exhausted by their lack of response.
He knows that the building is monitoring him. Clothing for him appears in the blond man's living quarters, and the Former Asset wears what comes to hand. The blond man asks him what his preferences are and mentions that he seems to favor a soft, hooded jacket made from a cozy black material. The blond man says the building told him the Former Asset wears it every day.
The Former Asset is too large for the building's vent system but he finds other ways to make a special journey to the basement, where garbage is gathered and incinerated. He throws the hooded jacket into the fire and thinks about what it would be like to burn instead of to freeze.
It does not sound restful.
The red-headed woman who makes him him reach weapons that are no longer strapped against his skin comes to find him. She brings a quiet man with rumpled clothes. They tell him that the building has reported the Former Asset does not seem to be sleeping. They ask what they can do to help him. They tell him that he is safe.
He would tell them that he does not understand the purpose of this lie but they would only insist that they were telling him the truth. So the Former Asset does not speak at all.
***
"Hey, Bucky? What do you want for dinner? I was thinking maybe spaghetti?" The blond man often asks such facile questions. (The blond man has insisted that his name is Steve and that the Former Asset refer to him as such but the Former Asset will do as he pleases in his own mind. These handlers do not have the Chair. The blond man continues to assert that he is not a handler but the Former Asset will use the language of what he knows because otherwise he has no words for these captors who are waiting for unknown reasons before they decommission him.)
The Former Asset does not speak.
But he eats what is put before him on a plate. It is neither better nor worse than the liquid technicians put in his stomach through a tube when he was defrosted before missions. There is more chewing involved.
The blond man fills the air between them with words.
"Hey, Buck, remember how we used to go out to Coney Island for hot dogs? They still have the best hot dogs out there. We'll go some time, once you're feeling a little better."
The blond man fills the air between them with words but none of them make sense to the Former Asset so he ignores them, eats the spaghetti efficiently. There is no one to punish him for making a mess but he finds he would still rather not end the day (end his service) with red sauce on his chin or clothes. When they decommission him, he would like to be clean.
When his plate is empty, the Former Asset leaves the table.
***
The building has reported that the Former Asset spends a great deal of time in the bathtub, up to his chin in hot water. The blond man does not castigate the Former Asset for wasting resources. Instead, he brings the Former Asset towels.
Very large, very soft towels. The Former Asset regards them with suspicion.
He is not cold when he is in the bathtub, when he has succeeded in filling the small space with steamy moist air. That no one seems interested in taking this sanctuary away from him is suspicious.
The towels are suspicious. But they are also very plush. They do not hurt when he uses them to dry his skin and hair before he dresses instead of putting his clothes on over still-wet skin, which was his habit before.
If they have not been satisfied, have not decommissioned him yet over the holes he has made in the walls and the food he has eaten, perhaps they will decommission him for using the towels. The Former Asset did not realize before that he might have a preference but he finds that he would rather know what it is like to have used the towels before he is finally allowed to rest.
Even so, he remains suspicious.
***
"Sam, I don't know, he won't talk to me and he just keeps, um, skulking? Is that a word people still use? I feel like it's a harsh word but he just keeps skulking around."
The blond man speaks in hushed tones, thinks the Former Asset is still in the bathtub. But the Former Asset has dried himself again with the provided towels and dressed in the provided clothes and moved with extra silence because he has forgone his shoes. He has also forgone his socks because bare feet have more traction on polished wooden floors.
There is a long pause and the Former Asset can picture the blond man's expression even though he cannot see the blond man's face; there is the sound of a slowly expelled breath through nostrils because the lips are tightly pressed together.
"No, you're right, I know. It hasn't been very long. And he's spending all that time taking baths. He's got something he likes, I know that's good."
The Former Asset scowls. He knew the building would tell them, he knew the towels were suspicious. They are going to use this against him somehow even though they have continued to tell him that he is safe.
"I promise. No, you're right, I promise. I won't push him to talk to me or do anything."
The Former Asset shakes his head. He was wrong. The blond man - Steve - would have made a terrible handler.
He waits for Steve to hang up the phone. He waits for Steve to walk toward the back of the apartment, to run into the Former Asset in the hall.
"Oh, Bucky. I didn't know you were done. What do you want for dinner? I was thinking about beef stew tonight, it's getting cold out. Something hearty, you know?"
The Former Asset rolls his eyes.
Steve trips over his own feet and his face turns pink.
That is...not suspicious. The Former Asset does not smile or laugh because to smile or laugh belongs to others. But he thinks...he would rather make Steve react in such a way again before the Former Asset is decommissioned. He would not mind resting if he were laid down with the memory of Steve's flush.
They have beef stew for dinner. The Former Asset still does not speak. But when his plate is empty, he does not leave the table. He listens to Steve speak.
***
They tell him that he is safe. The Former Asset does not know what that means. He feels the encroaching ice when he closes his eyes, sees only red in the darkness.
But he uses the towels, no matter how suspicious they are. And when another hooded jacket appears in Steve's apartment for his use, he does not take it to the incinerator. He supposes the building told them what he did.
The hooded jacket is soft. Softer than the towels.
It keeps him warm. Almost as warm as the bathtub.
The Former Asset likes to be warm.
It is strange to have a preference. Perhaps they will decommission him for daring to. And the Former Asset...
The Former Asset is still tired. He would like to rest. But he would rather not be permanently decommissioned. He would like to remain in this warm space with Steve.
Steve would still make a terrible handler. But the Former Asset does not care about that. He would do whatever Steve told him and Steve would tell the Former Asset about things Steve and the man named Bucky did in the past while the Former Asset eats whatever dinner Steve has made.
***
They tell him that he is safe.
He does not know what that means.
But the Former Asset, the man they call Bucky, knows what it means to be warm, knows that they want him to be warm.
It is a good feeling.
And though he is suspicious, the man they call Bucky would like to keep it.