Dumpster #2: ...'Cause a Hydra Trash Party don't stop

[trashmod]

Unholy hell-miracle achieved! Welcome to Bad Guys Do Bad Things To Your Faves 2: Electric Boogaloo. AKA the seamy sexual-violence-and-violent-sex underbelly of Captain America fandom, AKA the Hydra Trash Party kinkmeme. As usual, BLANKET NON-CON AND NSFW WARNINGS apply: just assume going in that everything in this landfill is unfit for human consumption.

Rules in brief: don't be a jerk except to fictional characters, warnings for particularly fucked-up garbage are nice but not required, thou shalt not judge the trashiness of thy neighbor's kinks unless thy neighbor is trying to pass off their rotting banana peels and half-eaten pizza crusts as a healthy romantic dinner for two, off-topic comments may be chucked out of the dumpster at management's discretion, management's discretion decrees that omegaverse, soulbond AUs, D/s-verse, non-superpowered AUs, and dark!good guys AUs are off-topic.

[Round 1] [Fill post] [Chatter post] [hydratrashmeme Pinboard archive (maintained by greenkirtle)] [Round 2 in flat view (comments in non-threaded chronological order, most recent last)]

Round 2 is closed; comments and fills in existing threads are still welcome, but all new prompts go to Round 3.

Comments

Bucky doesn't remember feelings

[(Anonymous)]

Hydra didn't treat Bucky like a living being, so Bucky's forgotten a lot of things about being alive, and that includes knowing what feelings feel like. Sure he knows what emotions are, that they exist, that people feel them and that he probably feels them, but he has no clue how to tell if he actually is, or what he's feeling. He doesn't remember what happy feels like, so he can't identify when he's happy, if he's happy. He doesn't know when he's sad or scared or lonely. And since he doesn't know, no one else can tell.

He doesn't remember what love, or being loved, feels like.

He doesn't even remember what 'safe' is.

(I'm not sure if this is trashy enough for this meme, but I just want Bucky to have been dehumanized - hell, to have been treated like an object - to a point where he's lost the absolute basics of being a living being. Even animals know when they're scared or happy or sad, even if they don't know why. They can tell when they're safe. Bucky's lost even that. I want him and everyone around him dealing with this. Steve/Bucky is always preferable, and if you can write him relearning feelings, I will give you so many mouldy cookies!)

Re: Bucky doesn't remember feelings

[(Anonymous)]

So to clarify, he doesn't know how to identify his feelings and he doesn't really exhibit emotions? Like he feels things but he doesn't display those emotions in terms of like facial expressions?
I think it's an interesting prompt. There are similar prompts, like one where Bucky doesn't show when things upset him.

Re: Bucky doesn't remember feelings

[(Anonymous)]

(OP) Yeah, so like, he doesn't even know when he's feeling something. He feels things but if someone asks him if he's happy he's like idk? He can't tell if he's safe or in danger because he has no clue what safe feels like so his body's always on high alert? And because he can't identify his feelings no one knows how to tell if he's getting better or worse or help him properly.

FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 1/?

[(Anonymous)]

They like to tell him that he is safe. The refer to him by a name he does not recognize; he thinks of himself only as the Asset.

He supposes he is the Former Asset now. This feels like being decommissioned.

They have taken the majority of his weapons, though they have yet made no motions toward removing his arm. When that day comes, when they wheel him into a lab and lay him down under bright lights, he knows that will be the ultimate ending of him.

In many ways, he looks forward to it. He is very tired. It seems like it would be a restful thing, to no longer have any awareness.

But today is not that day, or at least it is not that day yet. So the Former Asset follows the routine that the familiar blond man has set out for him, that the former blond man claims will "help Bucky feel better by giving you some structure."

Some days, though the blond man has promised that he is not, thus emphasizing that the Former Asset is being decommissioned, the Former Asset thinks the blond man would be a good handler. The Former Asset would do whatever the blond man told him, too, and the blond man would tell him that he had done a good job before returning him to the ice.

But other days, the Former Asset thinks, the blond man lacks the necessary cruelty to truly be a good handler. He never punishes the Former Asset when he has done something wrong.

They tell the Former Asset that he is safe but no matter how closely he follows the provided routine, they do not decommission him and he is left to fear it. Nor do they decommission him when he flouts the provided routine. He can provoke them in no predictable fashion. The Former Asset is exhausted by their lack of response.

He knows that the building is monitoring him. Clothing for him appears in the blond man's living quarters, and the Former Asset wears what comes to hand. The blond man asks him what his preferences are and mentions that he seems to favor a soft, hooded jacket made from a cozy black material. The blond man says the building told him the Former Asset wears it every day.

The Former Asset is too large for the building's vent system but he finds other ways to make a special journey to the basement, where garbage is gathered and incinerated. He throws the hooded jacket into the fire and thinks about what it would be like to burn instead of to freeze.

It does not sound restful.

The red-headed woman who makes him him reach weapons that are no longer strapped against his skin comes to find him. She brings a quiet man with rumpled clothes. They tell him that the building has reported the Former Asset does not seem to be sleeping. They ask what they can do to help him. They tell him that he is safe.

He would tell them that he does not understand the purpose of this lie but they would only insist that they were telling him the truth. So the Former Asset does not speak at all.

***

"Hey, Bucky? What do you want for dinner? I was thinking maybe spaghetti?" The blond man often asks such facile questions. (The blond man has insisted that his name is Steve and that the Former Asset refer to him as such but the Former Asset will do as he pleases in his own mind. These handlers do not have the Chair. The blond man continues to assert that he is not a handler but the Former Asset will use the language of what he knows because otherwise he has no words for these captors who are waiting for unknown reasons before they decommission him.)

The Former Asset does not speak.

But he eats what is put before him on a plate. It is neither better nor worse than the liquid technicians put in his stomach through a tube when he was defrosted before missions. There is more chewing involved.

The blond man fills the air between them with words.

"Hey, Buck, remember how we used to go out to Coney Island for hot dogs? They still have the best hot dogs out there. We'll go some time, once you're feeling a little better."

The blond man fills the air between them with words but none of them make sense to the Former Asset so he ignores them, eats the spaghetti efficiently. There is no one to punish him for making a mess but he finds he would still rather not end the day (end his service) with red sauce on his chin or clothes. When they decommission him, he would like to be clean.

When his plate is empty, the Former Asset leaves the table.

***

The building has reported that the Former Asset spends a great deal of time in the bathtub, up to his chin in hot water. The blond man does not castigate the Former Asset for wasting resources. Instead, he brings the Former Asset towels.

Very large, very soft towels. The Former Asset regards them with suspicion.

He is not cold when he is in the bathtub, when he has succeeded in filling the small space with steamy moist air. That no one seems interested in taking this sanctuary away from him is suspicious.

The towels are suspicious. But they are also very plush. They do not hurt when he uses them to dry his skin and hair before he dresses instead of putting his clothes on over still-wet skin, which was his habit before.

If they have not been satisfied, have not decommissioned him yet over the holes he has made in the walls and the food he has eaten, perhaps they will decommission him for using the towels. The Former Asset did not realize before that he might have a preference but he finds that he would rather know what it is like to have used the towels before he is finally allowed to rest.

Even so, he remains suspicious.

***

"Sam, I don't know, he won't talk to me and he just keeps, um, skulking? Is that a word people still use? I feel like it's a harsh word but he just keeps skulking around."

The blond man speaks in hushed tones, thinks the Former Asset is still in the bathtub. But the Former Asset has dried himself again with the provided towels and dressed in the provided clothes and moved with extra silence because he has forgone his shoes. He has also forgone his socks because bare feet have more traction on polished wooden floors.

There is a long pause and the Former Asset can picture the blond man's expression even though he cannot see the blond man's face; there is the sound of a slowly expelled breath through nostrils because the lips are tightly pressed together.

"No, you're right, I know. It hasn't been very long. And he's spending all that time taking baths. He's got something he likes, I know that's good."

The Former Asset scowls. He knew the building would tell them, he knew the towels were suspicious. They are going to use this against him somehow even though they have continued to tell him that he is safe.

"I promise. No, you're right, I promise. I won't push him to talk to me or do anything."

The Former Asset shakes his head. He was wrong. The blond man - Steve - would have made a terrible handler.

He waits for Steve to hang up the phone. He waits for Steve to walk toward the back of the apartment, to run into the Former Asset in the hall.

"Oh, Bucky. I didn't know you were done. What do you want for dinner? I was thinking about beef stew tonight, it's getting cold out. Something hearty, you know?"

The Former Asset rolls his eyes.

Steve trips over his own feet and his face turns pink.

That is...not suspicious. The Former Asset does not smile or laugh because to smile or laugh belongs to others. But he thinks...he would rather make Steve react in such a way again before the Former Asset is decommissioned. He would not mind resting if he were laid down with the memory of Steve's flush.

They have beef stew for dinner. The Former Asset still does not speak. But when his plate is empty, he does not leave the table. He listens to Steve speak.

***

They tell him that he is safe. The Former Asset does not know what that means. He feels the encroaching ice when he closes his eyes, sees only red in the darkness.

But he uses the towels, no matter how suspicious they are. And when another hooded jacket appears in Steve's apartment for his use, he does not take it to the incinerator. He supposes the building told them what he did.

The hooded jacket is soft. Softer than the towels.

It keeps him warm. Almost as warm as the bathtub.

The Former Asset likes to be warm.

It is strange to have a preference. Perhaps they will decommission him for daring to. And the Former Asset...

The Former Asset is still tired. He would like to rest. But he would rather not be permanently decommissioned. He would like to remain in this warm space with Steve.

Steve would still make a terrible handler. But the Former Asset does not care about that. He would do whatever Steve told him and Steve would tell the Former Asset about things Steve and the man named Bucky did in the past while the Former Asset eats whatever dinner Steve has made.

***

They tell him that he is safe.

He does not know what that means.

But the Former Asset, the man they call Bucky, knows what it means to be warm, knows that they want him to be warm.

It is a good feeling.

And though he is suspicious, the man they call Bucky would like to keep it.

Re: FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 1/?

[(Anonymous)]

This is really well written.

Re: FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 1/?

[(Anonymous)]

Oh poor bucky... really beautiful, i love his thoughts here

Re: FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 1/?

[(Anonymous)]

I really, really like this!

FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 2/?

[(Anonymous)]

"I'm not your handler, Bucky, I'm your friend."

At first Steve has to repeat it multiple times a day. Bucky sits where directed and his expression is so blank, so strange compared to how expression Bucky used to be. The boy Steve knew in Brooklyn has been shaped into a mystery, forced into the body that worries them all because it's thinner than it should be, especially to support the weight of that arm.

***

"Bucky, you're safe, I promise. No one is ever going to take you from me again."

The words are far more fervent than he really wants them to sound - but Steve can't help it. He's been too numb for too long and now that Bucky's back, he's feeling everything so intensely. He tears up when he thinks too hard about it.

"You're safe. I promise."

He'll say it as many times as he needs to, do whatever it takes.

***

Steve is slumped in the chair he's pulled out from around Sam's kitchen table.

"I don't know if any of it's making a difference." He feels defeated and impatient and frustrated and all the kinds of feelings that usually drive him to run at 4:30 in the morning. But it's almost midnight now and he couldn't force himself to go back to his apartment in the Tower after team movie night. Bucky's probably back in the bathtub again. It's not like he's missing Steve.

Sam rubs a hand over his face (and checks his watch, Steve notices - he'll leave, he hates to impose and he knows Sam was going to call Natasha tonight, actually ask her to dinner). "Steve, I love you like a brother and I get it, I do. But you have got to find some chill."

He can't help his raised eyebrow. Steve will joke about being frozen one day but not today.

"Okay, poor choice of words," Sam admits. "But the point stands. You're doing everything you can and he's making progress. I know you want me to unleash some super secret therapist knowledge on you but in this case it doesn't exist, man."

Steve has never thought that life is fair. He's had nothing but experience in how it isn't, has fought the injustice of that in any way he can regardless of the price.

But there's no one he can punch in the face over this, no fight he can start. Pierce died (too quickly) and Bucky burnt out Hydra nests no one even knew existed before he came in from the cold.

He's not good at sitting on his hands.

"I just want to DO something."

"Just...you said he seems to like taking baths, right? Maybe buy him something nice for when he takes a bath. Get him used to doing things that aren't only utilitarian." Sam checks his watch again, isn't subtle about it this time. "And I wouldn't usually hustle you out of here but I need to make a phone call."

***

Bed, Bath, & Beyond is a little overwhelming. Steve gets distracted by the "As Seen On TV" gadgets hung on every endcap. The store really seems to take the "beyond" part of its name seriously.

But he finally finds the biggest, plushest bath sheets in the entire store and his black AMEX from Tony goes through without any problem at all.

***

He keeps cooking dinner. Bucky had cooked when they lived together; Steve had been hopeless at literally everything except colcannon and boxty. But now he watches endless videos on YouTube to learn recipes that will tempt his silent roommate into spending more time at the table.

At the end of the day, he's willing to do whatever it takes to make Bucky feel safe so he sticks to the same routine he established to give Bucky some routine and has dinner ready at 6 o'clock every night. He gets up and runs. He has coffee ready for them both at 7:30 in the morning.

He does the laundry. Endless loads of towels so that Bucky will never have to smell the weird sour odor of a towel that sat damp overnight. Bucky deserves the luxury.

***

The hoodie they bought for him, the one JARVIS said Bucky wore every day disappeared a while ago. Steve's pretty sure Bucky got rid of it though he won't ask how. But Bucky's been using the towels and he's been hanging out at the table when they're done with dinner and Steve can't help himself.

He orders another hoodie.

And when it comes and Bucky starts wearing it again, Steve bites his tongue hard against saying everything that rushes up in his chest. He limits himself. "You're safe now, Bucky. You're home."

Re: FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 2/?

[(Anonymous)]

I'm so glad this is continuing! I love Steve-perspectives on the early stages of Bucky's recovery.

He keeps cooking dinner. Bucky had cooked when they lived together; Steve had been hopeless at literally everything except colcannon and boxty. But now he watches endless videos on YouTube to learn recipes that will tempt his silent roommate into spending more time at the table.

At the end of the day, he's willing to do whatever it takes to make Bucky feel safe so he sticks to the same routine he established to give Bucky some routine and has dinner ready at 6 o'clock every night. He gets up and runs. He has coffee ready for them both at 7:30 in the morning.

He does the laundry. Endless loads of towels so that Bucky will never have to smell the weird sour odor of a towel that sat damp overnight. Bucky deserves the luxury.

I am so here for this, for aggressively!domestic Steve putting everything he has into taking care of Bucky. He would be so intense about it, and it makes the scene where Bucky just rolls his eyes at Steve's hearty dinner stew all the sweeter.

Re: FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 2/?

[(Anonymous)]

I just imagine Steve standing the store, frowning more and more as towel after towel is deemed Not Good Enough. Not big enough, not thick enough, not soft enough, not the right color--god, what if Buck doesn't like the same colors he used to? What if Steve gets the wrong towel and ruins everything?--until some employee comes up and timidly asks if he needs help finding anything, and Steve just huffs out, "I guess this will do," as he gathers up enough extra-duper-fancy-silk-blend towels to dry the East River and stomps off to the registers.

FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 3/?

[(Anonymous)]

The man they call Bucky watches the living room from the shadow of the hallway in Steve's living quarters. Steve had invited the others into his living room, had fixed tea provided by the man with the rumpled hair who had been concerned about the man they call Bucky's sleeping patterns.

The red-haired woman who once made him want to reach for the weapons he no longer keeps strapped against his skin is sitting on the couch. She knows that the man they call Bucky is there and observing, he is certain. But he is the one who lives in these quarters with Steve - he is not certain what authority, if any, she holds here.

He does not want to do anything she tells him. He wants to do what Steve tells him.

"Bucky, you want to come have tea with us?" Steve looks hopeful as he calls out into the hall.

The other two look curious at Steve's invitation. The man they call Bucky can label these expressions though he doesn't know why he knows what that particular tilt of a head means, what that specific line of a mouth illustrates. It had not mattered what curiosity his targets expressed. Their emotions were irrelevant.

He always knew what his handlers wanted him to know about their feelings toward him. There was no need to interpret it. They expressed their displeasure clearly and reinforced it with pain.

They were often displeased with him.

"Bucky?" Now Steve sounds concerned. He has never hurt the man they call Bucky. They all tell the man they call Bucky that he is safe but Steve is particularly insistent on the matter. He makes sure that the man they call Bucky is as warm as he prefers to be at all times.

At the moment, the living room is warmer than the room in which he is meant to sleep, even though he does not require more than four hours of sleep during any given day/night cycle to maintain optimum conditioning. The room, his room, will be warmer later when Steve turns up the heat before he goes to bed.

It is impossible to have both things that he wants, to both follow the warmth in Steve's living quarters and to avoid the visitors. The man they call Bucky decides that the visitors are the lesser of two evils. It has nothing to do with the hope he read on Steve's face.

His choice of seat, however, is absolutely down to Steve's expression as he beams at the man they call Bucky and waves him over to a chair. Obedience is rewarded - the chair is positioned right underneath the inflow of warm air from the ducts. The man they call Bucky is quite satisfied. He ignores the visitors.

***

His towels are even warmer when he takes them fresh from the machine Steve calls the dryer.

***

The man they call Bucky stares at his bed. It is different than it was before.

He reaches to examine it, to remove the fabric covering it, the thick duvet that must hide some sort of trap, but his metal hand hesitates over the soft fabric. He thinks about his towels. The man they call Bucky touches the bedding with his flesh hand instead.

It is a more accurate tool to gauge relevant information such as thread count and overall texture, he suggests to himself. But when his fingers clench onto the bedding instead of releasing it, he cannot remained convinced by his own argument.

He is not as tired as he was when he first arrived. He is not ready to be decommissioned the way he was when he first arrived. He would like to use his towels some more. He would like to use this bedding, put his body between the softness of the sheets and pull the feather-filled duvet up to his eyebrows until the air beneath it grows too warm for comfort.

Is there "too warm"? He is not certain. But he would like to find out before he is decommissioned.

He does not think the building suggested this. He thinks his new bed is from Steve.

Steve wants him to be warm.

Steve wants him to be safe.

The man they call Bucky is warm.

Re: FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 3/?

[(Anonymous)]

He doesn't want to die, he wants to CUDDLE!!!!!! Perhaps he will get to cuddle with Steve. That would be acceptable. It would probably be very warm. Steve's body temperature is higher than that of a normal human.

This is delightful, nonny.

Re: FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 3/?

[(Anonymous)]

I've never once had a guilt boner I actually felt guilty about, but this... I'm a little sheepish fpr liking it as much as I do. It's just so dang cute!

FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 4/?

[(Anonymous)]

Steve goes back to Bed, Bath, & Beyond. He treats it like a mission. He's done his research online this time so he doesn't get so easily distracted - though he does pause by the kitchen gadgets to pick up a garlic press. Bucky seems to like garlic.

And then there's the little dish for roasting garlic that's shaped like a head of garlic when you put the lid on it. That's pretty cool.

But once those items are in his cart, Steve focuses on his latest mission.

Sheets.

He owes Sam dinner for that suggestion to buy Bucky something for his baths. Or maybe he should just...pay for a really nice dinner for Sam and Natasha because that seems to be going well lately. Sam's been looking extra pleased with life, particularly on team movie nights when Natasha lags behind the rest of the group.

If nothing else, the suggestion gave Steve something to do and now he's going to do even more. There's nothing wrong with Bucky's bedding, of course. It's totally adequate for a room that no one ever expected anyone to actually sleep in. But Bucky deserves better than adequate. Bucky deserves long-staple cotton and percale weave. Maybe flannel after the first snow but Steve thinks the percale feels nicer and he refuses to feel guilty about turning up the heat. Choosing a color is harder for the sheets than it was for the towels but in the end he settles on white.

Their shared bed, back in Brooklyn before the war, was dressed with sheets that had maybe been white when they were new but had long since gone dingy and grey with age and threadbare with use. Steve pictures Bucky's new bed, dressed all in bright clean white and he likes the thought of it even as he can all but hear Tony's voice asking him if Barnes is some kind of virgin teenaged girl in a bed like that. Fortunately, Steve has a lot of practice ignoring Tony.

(He likes the sateen weave himself but he isn't there to update his own bed. Except he found a coupon online and now it only makes sense. So he adds a set of blue sateen sheets to his cart, too.)

The duvets are thick and he chooses the one with the loftiest down. The pillows run the gamut from cloud-like softness to thick foam supportiveness. He chooses four from various points on the spectrum. Bucky can choose for himself.

Steve wants Bucky to feel safe and comfortable. He'll buy Bucky a hundred pillows if it helps even a little bit. He puts another pillow in his cart, just in case.

***
In retrospect, perhaps Steve should have listened to Tony's voice back in the store.

He's made Bucky's new bed and it really does look like a virgin teenaged girl's bed. Not that Steve would actually KNOW. He'd never had much luck with girls before the serum.

Or after the serum, actually.

It's some consolation that while the bed might LOOK a little soft (not that looking soft is bad, Steve tells himself), it absolutely FEELS soft, which is way more important than any kind of accidental aesthetic statement the bed might be making. Bucky deserves softness.

He plumps the pillows one more time and heads for the kitchen. He's making tacos. He doesn't think Bucky's ever had a taco before and Steve's looking forward to being the one to introduce them.

Re: FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 4/?

[(Anonymous)]

I swear this is the most adorable thing in the trash pile.i

FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 5/?

[(Anonymous)]

(Look, I don't understand my choices and there just keeps being more of this. I apologize for my inability to trash and for how long this has gotten.)

There is a logical connection that the man they call Bucky is resisting. He lowers himself even deeper into the steaming bath water, holds his breath so that he can submerge his head even though that means his knees come out of the water and feel chilled.

Steve wants the man they call Bucky to feel safe. Steve wants the man they call Bucky to be warm.

The man they call Bucky is almost always warm.

Does that mean that the man they call Bucky is safe?

He can define the word. He can translate it into a number of languages. But he does not know what it is supposed to feel like. Warm is much easier to put a label on. It is a sensation. He feels it not only with his skin but in the absence of ache in his bones. Warm makes his muscles relax. Warm makes it easier to breathe.

Loose muscles are a signifier of relaxation. Relaxation is a signifier of security.

The man they call Bucky considers the state of his body.

His left side persistently aches. He is still not in optimum condition; the musculature of his back and side has compensated for the extra weight of his arm. His spine is somewhat twisted.

This tension has a known physical source. It is not caused by an outside threat.

The man they call Bucky evaluates the rest of his body.

His knees are, in fact, chilled. His thigh muscles have slightly tensed in preparation for pushing himself back up out of the water. His calf muscles are ready to respond as well, to transmit force down through where he has braced his feet against the end of the bathtub.

Those will be small movements, controlled movements. He could defend himself if called upon to do so but he is not in a particular state of vigilance. The man they call Bucky is not laying in the bathtub anticipating that they will come for him in order to hurt him or decommission him.

The man they call Bucky is warm.

He turns the thought over: Is the man they call Bucky safe?

***

If they were to ask him, the man they call Bucky would not be able to choose between his towels and his bed as his favorite thing. Both of them are so very soft.

He has been prepared for them to be taken away. That is what his previous handlers would have done. But Steve has not behaved like any of his other handlers. Steve would be a terrible handler.

Steve continues to make dinner for the man they call Bucky and tell him stories. Steve provided the man they call Bucky with his towels and his bed both.

The man they call Bucky removes the towel he wrapped around his waist before leaving the bathroom but leaves the towel he has wrapped around his hair (he does not want to get his mound of pillows wet). He slips into his bed, naked skin and scars against the sheets.

Warm air flows in from the duct work. The man they call Bucky breathes deeply and continues to monitor his body's responses.

***

The woman with the red hair and the man who wears rumpled clothes are visiting again. The man they call Bucky does not approve. But he does not retreat from his designated chair in the living room. These are Steve's living quarters, and the man they call Bucky shares them. The woman with the red hair and the man who wears rumpled clothes do not have any power here.

But they do ask him questions. The man who wears rumpled clothes has a voice that is soft like towels but the woman with the red hair reminds the man they call Bucky too much of the cold.

He looks to Steve and concentrates on the loft of the feathers in his duvet. The man they call Bucky shakes his head, refuses to speak. He does not want to. Steve will not make him.

It is satisfying when Steve smiles at him, when Steve makes it clear that the man they call Bucky does not have to speak if he does not wish to speak.

He thinks the woman with the red hair is displeased and his muscles gather tension. This is the feeling that was absent in the bathtub and in his bed. His heart rate wants to increase so the man they call Bucky concentrates on regulating it. This is another feeling that was absent in the bathtub and in his bed.

The man they call Bucky continues to think about how many pillows he has. He counts them so that he does not have to look at the woman with the red hair. If he looks at her, he will need to run from the living room. He will need to go to his bedroom and walk past his bed and barricade himself in the room's small closet. It will be cold.

"We appreciate the visit. But it's almost time for dinner. Maybe I can meet you later in the kitchen downstairs?" Steve is very polite but he is on his feet and escorting the visitors out of their living quarters before the man they call Bucky must leave the living room.

***

Steve makes the man they call Bucky feel warm.

Steve makes the man they call Bucky feel safe.

That is a new conclusion.

The man they call Bucky - Steve's Bucky - is not sure what to do with that conclusion.

FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 6/?

[(Anonymous)]

Bucky seemed to like his bed. Steve knows he's using it because the sheets show up in the laundry with the towels on a regular basis. He suspects Bucky was sleeping on the floor before, if he was sleeping at all, so things are looking up.

But Natasha and Bruce come to visit and there's something that isn't right, something that he hasn't seem from Bucky before - Steve's not sure how he knows but if he doesn't get them out of there, things are going to go bad.

What that might look like, he hasn't decided yet.

Nat gives him a significant look before she lets him close the door on her. If he doesn't follow through on his casual promise to meet them down in the kitchen later, he's going to hear about it. Probably in his own living room.

"Hey, Buck, everything okay?" He tries to keep his voice calm and easy. "What are you thinking for dinner? I'm kind of craving Thai food."

Thai food had been a big hit last week when he'd had it delivered. Steve pretty sure that no one, not even him, can eat more panang than Bucky.

When Bucky stands up and heads for the kitchen, there's something off about his movements. The line of his back is rigid in a way Steve hasn't seen since they'd first brought Bucky to the Tower.

In anyone else, Steve would say it was fear. Steve freezes, just outside of the kitchen. In anyone else... They're all used to Bucky being unreadable. But fear is fear. Bucky was AFRAID when he first came to the Tower.

And he was afraid there in the living room, sitting with Nat and Bruce.

Steve rubs the heel of his palm over his chest, over his heart.

Thai food. Bucky's new favorite. He's going to make it happen.

Re: FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 6/?

[(Anonymous)]

I am loving this so much! Steve is doing such a good job feathering the nest for Bucky, and it makes sense that concrete physical comforts and a gentle routine are the easiest place to start his recovery. Bucky's been tortured for so inhumanly long and changed so profoundly it seems plausible he could need *years* of this to decompress enough to start working on more complex emotional/interpersonal stuff. And I am very happy to observe :)

Re: FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 6/?

[(Anonymous)]

I'm crying but this is fantastic?

I mean yeah it's fluff, but it's fluff BECAUSE of the trash. Like, it's deeply unsettling to me how Bucky barely even thinks of himself as a person, can't process emotions, is thinking in terms of sensations. That's just so, so disturbing.
So like, yeah, at face value this is a story about Steve buying Bucky pillows. But he's doing that because that's all Bucky can register, anything more complex than "warmth" isn't something he can deal with right now. So I'd say this still qualifies as trash.

I hope you put this on AO3 later I'd love to bookmark it properly.

Re: FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 6/?

[(Anonymous)]

pleeeaaase continue this, this is such great and trashy-sweet.

FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 7/?

[(Anonymous)]

If Steve's Bucky is safe then he needs to know the boundaries of that safety. He has not been decommissioned for eating. He has not been decommissioned for using his towels or sleeping in his bed.

What else will Steve allow him to do?

Steve's Bucky slips out of the living quarters he shares with Steve and follows Steve, less like a shadow and more like a wisp of smoke against the clouds. He keeps his distance but stays close enough to catch the faint echo of Steve's boots down the empty hall. The acoustics call for a degree of stealth that Steve's Bucky has not practiced since coming to the Tower.

It is good to practice his skills. If he is not decommissioned then Steve's Bucky thinks he should be training. That way he will be useful if Steve needs him. Steve would be a terrible handler but Steve's Bucky would know what to do. Steve's Bucky would complete the mission, whatever it was, that Steve asked of him.

Steve has entered a kitchen. The woman with the red hair is there. The man with the rumpled clothes is not. Steve's Bucky did not expect them to be separated. That means the man with the rumpled clothes is unprotected.

There is no strategic position from which to observe the kitchen. It is to the building's tactical advantage that none of the vents will allow Steve's Bucky access and Steve's Bucky has not yet investigated a way around that. He will raise the priority level of that reconnaissance.

If he remains in the hallway, even at a distance, there is no guarantee that he will hear what Steve and the woman with the red hair have to say to each other. And it is possible that the woman with the red hair will see him. It is advisable then to adapt a new objective.

Steve's Bucky will find the man with the rumpled clothes and ask him questions. His voice was soft like towels and there is a tightness in Steve's Bucky's stomach when he considers that the man might be harmed without the woman with red hair there to protect him.

He moves back down the hallway and considers his options.

When he went to the basement, he used the elevator shaft. He can use the elevator shaft again to navigate the floors once he ascertains which one the man with the rumpled clothes is most likely to be on. Steve's Bucky thinks the man with the rumpled clothes does not like to leave his safe places - he will find the man with the rumpled clothes in his own den, like a tired wolf who needs recuperation.

The building watches everything. The building will know where Steve's Bucky is going. There must be a way to obscure his movements from the building. He does not think Steve would approve if Steve's Bucky disabled the building. That is one more reason Steve would make a terrible handler; Steve is not very efficient.

Can the building be subverted?

This requires more data. He has observed Steve interact with the building, particularly at the elevator. While Steve's Bucky has no intention of getting into the elevator itself - elevators are coffins suspended over an infinite abyss - perhaps he can interface with the building at the entrance to the elevator.

Steve's Bucky falls back even further to the elevator. And takes a deep breath before he pushes the call button.

"May I assist you, Sergeant Barnes?" The building's voice is very smooth, with a British accent. And Steve's Bucky thinks the voice is also nearly hesitant. He thinks the building is not certain it should be talking to Steve's Bucky.

That is an important data point. If the building is already off-balance and uncertain of its orders then it will be easier to subvert it.

Steve's Bucky takes another deep breath. He shakes his flesh hand to loosen the clenched muscles of that arm. Tightness is creeping across his shoulders and up his neck and it will impede his physical response capabilities if he does not monitor and prevent it.

He has to swallow, mouth dry and throat uncooperative, before he can make his voice heard. Steve's Bucky has not spoken for a very long time.

"The man who wears rumpled clothes is alone and unprotected. His location is required so that he may be guarded." Steve's Bucky has a very soft voice and he is not familiar with the accent that he can hear coming from his own mouth. It is similar to the accent that Steve occasionally uses when he tells stories about the past.

There is a pause, as though the building is considering its options and the parameters of its orders. When it speaks again, Steve's Bucky can tell the hesitance is gone. "Dr. Banner is currently located in his lab. There is no danger."

The tightness worsens. The building will deny him information and tell the others. Steve's Bucky will be decommissioned. His ribs feel constricted and Steve's Bucky forces himself to breathe deeply.

"The woman with the red hair is not with him. He is vulnerable."

Steve's Bucky ducks his head, keeps his eyes on the floor. The building has eyes everywhere but Steve's Bucky knows the correct posture required when asking for something when not actually asking.

It seems effective - another indication of the superiority of Steve's Bucky's former handlers. They trained him appropriately. It is obviously up to Steve's Bucky to utilize that training.

Steve would be a terrible handler. But the woman with the red hair would be a good one. Steve's Bucky shivers.

It is not cold in the hallway.

The building does not sigh but there is the feeling of a sigh in the building's voice. "Dr. Banner's lab is located on the 89th floor. I will inform him of your impending arrival." That did not sound negotiable.

Steve's Bucky blinks. And nods. And waits for the elevator doors to close again and the car to rise so that he can access the elevator shaft.

***

The man with the rumpled clothes - Dr. Banner, according to the building - greets Steve's Bucky with a gentle smile. Steve's Bucky does not smile in return. But he sniffs at the tea he is offered and does not outright refuse it.

"JARVIS said you were concerned I might be vulnerable. I appreciate the thought." Dr. Banner has a small smile on his mouth. He is not laughing but Steve's Bucky still thinks Dr. Banner finds something amusing.

Steve's Bucky doesn't speak. The back of his neck prickles with warmth.

Dr. Banner studies Steve's Bucky. "I stay here because I know I'm safe. And so is everyone else."

They like to tell him that he is safe. But this time Steve's Bucky considers his body. There is the tightness he has been attempting to regulate. There is the persistent ache of his spine and side. There is the warmth of his neck.

But there is not the coil of energy in his stomach that comes when there is an immediate threat.

Steve's Bucky steps closer to Dr. Banner, looks at him the way he would evaluate the condition of a target. The man's body is strong but his posture is somewhat hunched, particularly when his shoulders are relaxed. He moves consciously, aware of his body's positioning. There is tension there but not fear. Interesting. Dr. Banner exhibits the physical characteristics of safety.

This is new data. Steve's Bucky wonders who Dr. Banner's handler is. It cannot be the woman with the red hair.

His stomach twists and Steve's Bucky does not hesitate to follow his reflexive responses - he pivots and moves away from the door so that the woman with the red hair, when she steps into the lab, does not let the acid in his throat change his expression now that she is between him and the exit.

Dr. Banner is no longer alone. Steve's Bucky can leave him, assured that Dr. Banner's soft towel voice exists because Dr. Banner is safe. Steve's Bucky needs to go to his closet even though it will be cold there.

"Nat, let him go. We were just talking." Dr. Banner moves comfortably, relaxed and unafraid, in between them. He puts a hand on the woman with the red hair's arm. "He had a question for me and I was happy to answer it."

Steve's Bucky shivers. And as soon as the woman with the red hair moves, Steve's Bucky flees.

Re: FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 7/?

[(Anonymous)]

Awww

FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 8/?

[(Anonymous)]

Steve sighs. "Nat, I know you're worried. But it's fine. He's doing better."

He wants to be sitting at the table with Bucky, telling him about Brooklyn summers and how he got work that one year doing inventory at the drugstore and wound up for once having all the medicine he needed through the winter because the shopkeeper had been willing to pay Steve in trade.

"I'm not saying he isn't. But I'm worried about you more than I'm worried about him right now." Nat leans against the counter and crosses her arms, gives him a steady look. "You're invested in this, in him. And that isn't a bad thing. But you're going to burn out if you aren't careful."

It isn't like Sam hasn't told him this, too. But Steve... They don't understand. They don't know Bucky the way he knows Bucky. They can't see the man he used to be the way Steve can.

"I don't know what kind of careful you want me to be. I'm taking care of him. He's eating and he's sleeping. And even if that's all I can ever do for him, that's what I'm going to do." He might sound a little more desperate than he means to. Steve can admit that to himself. But he doesn't have the energy for a long fight with Nat about this.

Her hair falls forward over her shoulder, straight and shiny, a darker red than it was the day before. "And earlier? When you kicked us out before he could attack me?"

Steve likes sparring with Nat because she doesn't pull her punches. He wheezes now like she's hit him in the solar plexus, knocked the air from his lungs in a sudden reminder of how he used to struggle for every breathe he ever took.

"Captain Rogers? Ms. Romanoff?" JARVIS's interruptions are rare but always polite. Steve is inexplicably grateful for the consideration.

"Go ahead, JARVIS," Nat doesn't look away from Steve even as she responds to the A.I.

"It seems valuable to inform you that Sergeant Barnes has left your living quarters, Captain, and is seeking out Dr. Banner in his lab. I do not anticipate that Sergeant Barnes intends any harm."

Of course Bucky wouldn't want to hurt Bruce. But Steve still trades a look with Nat.

"I'll go." She's gone as soon as she's spoken, leaving Steve to decide what comes next - he can provide backup but he doesn't think Bucky would appreciate that. Nat probably wouldn't either, actually.

But if Bucky's gone to see Bruce, he's probably not afraid of the other man. Which means that fear earlier, that was Bucky being afraid of Nat. And when she gets there?

However things were going to go wrong back in the living room, Steve doesn't want them to go wrong the same way in Bruce's lab.

Steve runs.

Re: FILL: All Windows Are Tinted 8/?

[(Anonymous)]

A list of a few things I love right now:
* How Bucky's method of address has evolved. From 'the former Asset" to "the man they call Bucky" to "Steve's Bucky." It goes a long way towards showing how he's changed how he things of himself
* Bucky feeling safe enough to venture out and test the edges of what he's allowed to do
* This line: If the building is already off-balance and uncertain of its orders then it will be easier to subvert it. Oh really? Tell us more about feeling off-balance and uncertain, Buck.
* Bucky using Hydra conditioning to manipulate Jarvis, oh GOD! It seems effective - another indication of the superiority of Steve's Bucky's former handlers. They trained him appropriately. It is obviously up to Steve's Bucky to utilize that training. Uuuuugghhh, the pain!
* This is new data. Steve's Bucky wonders who Dr. Banner's handler is. It cannot be the woman with the red hair. Iiiiinteresting that he thinks of Dr. Banner as someone who must have a handler, but he assumes Natasha is a handler.
* this amazing phrase: Dr. Banner's soft towel voice exists because Dr. Banner is safe. safety is soft towels!
* Okay, I find this explanation really interesting: "He had a question for me and I was happy to answer it." Since Bucky didn't actually say a word! But Bruce is super perceptive, so I bet he knows what a big deal it was for Bucky to seek him out and be concerned about his safety.
* I love that we get to see these situations from both Steve and Bucky's POVs. Because Steve is trying really hard and is still really not sure what's going on, whereas we can see the slow but sure progress Bucky is making. Conflict!
* Steve likes sparring with Nat because she doesn't pull her punches. Indeed. Natasha will tell it like it is. Trust.
Oh no, is Bucky going to be afraid he'll be decommissioned for showing this little bit of initiative?! Will Steve buy Bucky a warm scarf?! What will happen next?!

All Windows Are Tinted fill continuation

[(Anonymous)]

This fill is being continued in Round 3, at the thread located here:

http://hydratrashmeme.dreamwidth.org/1634.html?thread=2968930#cmt2968930