Steve crawls over Bucky, back up to the head of the bed. He curls over Bucky’s right side, pushing Bucky on his back and tucking his chin into the crook of Bucky’s neck.
Steve’s cock is hard against his thigh, and Bucky gently presses his leg against it. Steve ruts instinctively with a grunt of longing.
“Here,” Bucky reaches his right hand down, encircles Steve’s length. “Let me help you with this.”
Steve groans, thrusts once into Bucky’s hand, then stops himself.
“No.”
“No?”
Bucky lets go, confused. Afraid.
“This isn’t about me,” Steve explains, panting with lust but resolute. “This is about you. You’ve already given me so much. I’m six months behind, gotta make it up to you.”
“It’s not a competition, Steve.”
“Oh, it isn’t?”
Bucky rolls his eyes, but he returns Steve’s grin.
“Excuse me, forgot who I was talking to.”
“Damn right. Now- ”
Steve lets his eyes drift from Bucky’s, down to his crotch, and Bucky’s fear returns once more.
“Now?”
“How do you want to do this?”
Bucky tries not to let the fear consume him. He tries so hard. He reminds himself how much Steve wants this, the stubborn bastard. Steve will love coming in Bucky’s ass.
“Uh, I got the lube in the drawer,” Bucky gestures with his head to his right, at his bedside table. “You know, for when we- ”
He lifts his left arm, wiggles the metal fingers while smirking at Steve.
“So,” Steve returns the smile. “My fingers in you this time?”
“Oh,” Bucky tries to swallow his fear. “But I thought- ”
He lets his eyes drift down to Steve’s cock, then back.
“Is that what you want?”
Bucky thinks. He thinks about all the people who’ve had their cocks inside him. He thinks about how much he wants Steve to eclipse all of them, but he also thinks about how devastated he’ll be if Steve can’t. God, he’s selfish. He knows how much Steve will love fucking him, but he won’t let him.
“No.”
But it’s Steve’s fault. He doesn’t want Bucky to pretend, even though Bucky’s more than willing to.
“So?”
Steve mimics the finger wiggle back at Bucky.
“Sure, I guess.”
No one at HYDRA had ever put their fingers inside him. No one at HYDRA had ever cared whether he got off or not, and the part of the Winter Soldier that had remained Bucky, no matter how much they’d tried to wipe him out, had clung to that. But he doesn’t need to cling to it anymore. HYDRA’s power is gone, its remnants on the run, and the only person Bucky’s hurting now is himself. Himself, and Steve.
“You guess?”
“Yes,” Bucky twists his head to look at Steve directly. Obstinately. “Do it, Rogers.”
“That’s more like it.”
Steve gets off the bed, letting Bucky sit up against the headboard as he pulls out the drawer in the bedside table and retrieves the lube. He and Bucky switch positions, Steve’s back against the headboard and Bucky straddling him. He hates the shame he feels as Steve’s hard cock presses against his emptiness, but then it’s obliterated by Steve’s slick fingers snaking behind him and finding his hole. He remembers other blunt, slick objects being pressed into him-
But, no, this is different. Totally different. He needs to stop thinking about this as Steve taking from him, like HYDRA, and more like Steve giving something to him. Steve’s giving this to him, and he’s giving this to Steve-
He gasps as Steve’s right index finger easily slips inside him.
“You like that, Buck?”
Bucky murmurs his assent. It’s not arousal, not the way he used to feel it, so long ago, but it feels good, and that may have to be enough. Steve adds his middle finger, twisting both inside Bucky, searching for that spot that always makes Steve come undone in Bucky’s arms. For a few minutes, Bucky’s terrified that Steve won’t find it. Maybe it’s not even there anymore. Maybe it’s withered from seventy years without his balls, or maybe HYDRA removed it, too, and didn’t tell him.
He’s terrified that Steve won’t find it, but he’s also terrified that Steve will.
When Steve does find the gland, Bucky jolts up in surprise, nearly dislodging Steve’s fingers. He desperately wants to grind the space where his nonexistent cock should be against something, and that’s frustrating, but it feels so incredible he can’t focus on the loss. For the first time in more than seventy years, he wants to come, and he’s not sure how that will work, but he can feel the need, so it has to work. It has to.
“Oh!”
He lets out an involuntary groan, and he feels Steve’s cock surge between his legs. Steve’s ring finger joins his other two inside Bucky, all of them twisting against his prostate, and Bucky throws his head back and wails.
“Steve! Oh, Steve, fuck!”
His pleasure crests, sending him over the edge. He can’t remember what it was like before, but this is the best he’s felt in years, and it billows from between his legs despite his lack. Something warm and wet drips from the opening HYDRA gave him to pee in lieu of a cock, and he pants it out, pounding himself on Steve’s fingers until he starts to feel sore.
“Bucky. God, Buck, it’s okay. It’s okay.”
Steve removes his fingers, encircling Bucky’s shoulders with both arms as Bucky collapses against him. Bucky’s suddenly aware that he’s crying, and he doesn’t know when he’d started. Those schoolgirl tears he’d been holding back, finally betraying him, but he’s too tired, too content, to really give a damn. He came. He fucking came.
Take that, HYDRA.
Oh, and fuck you.
He buries his face in Steve’s shoulder and sobs. Steve holds him, strong and steady as Bucky shakes in his arms, coming down from his orgasm, processing it through his tears.
“I want it, Steve,” he confesses, gulping. “I want all of it.”
“Good,” Steve says in his ear, deep, like tires on gravel. “I want to give all of it to you. Every good thing, Buck. Everything you want. Everything you deserve.”
Bucky’s tears are drying, his emotions stabilizing. He bites back his habitual responses. He wants what Steve’s offering. He wants to believe he deserves it.
“You sure you don’t want me to- ?”
Bucky reaches down to Steve’s softening cock, stroking it.
“Not now.”
“But- ”
“No, Buck.”
Bucky lets go of Steve’s cock. He wants to give Steve pleasure, but he’ll respect Steve’s wishes. They have so much time together, here in the future. So much time to love and pleasure each other, despite everything that’s happened to them. They’re soldiers, survivors. They’ll endure. They’ll thrive.
“You know how long I’ve wanted to do that?” Steve admits quietly. “Too long. Too fucking long. Thank you.”
“You’re thanking me for getting me off? Really?”
“I love you,” Steve murmurs as if he hasn’t heard Bucky. “I love you so much.”
“Yeah, I love you, too,” Bucky sighs peacefully against Steve’s shoulder. “You idiot.”
“So, you ready to start sharing a room?”
Steve’s still pretending not to hear Bucky’s snide remarks.
“Maybe,” Bucky concedes, lifting his head to look at Steve. “But only if you let us keep the TV.”
Steve laughs. It's beautiful.
“You drive a hard bargain, Barnes. But, fine. I accept.”
“Good, Rogers.”
They look at each other for a second, then they laugh. They laugh far longer than their ridiculous repartee merits. They laugh and laugh, and Bucky imagines years of pain and horror disintegrating with the sound. He’s not a thing. He’s not. He’s a human being. He’s a man, even without his cock and balls. That’s not what makes a man, and he’s always known that, but right at this moment he believes it.
Next time, he wants to let Steve try and fuck him. Make love to him, whatever. He wants Steve to replace every awful memory of HYDRA using him. He wants Steve to love him, make him come, over and over again, until HYDRA is a barely memorable occurrence of his past. He wants to return the favor, make Steve groan and writhe in ways he’d never cared that the HYDRA operatives did.
He wants this. He wants this so badly.
Bucky kisses Steve. He instigates the kiss for the first time, grasping at the back of Steve’s head as Steve grasps at his. He loves this man. He loves him so fucking much.
And he wants Steve to love him back. He wants that more than anything.
Re: Fill: What We're Not (6/6)
_____
Steve crawls over Bucky, back up to the head of the bed. He curls over Bucky’s right side, pushing Bucky on his back and tucking his chin into the crook of Bucky’s neck.
“I love you so much, you know that?”
“Yeah,” Bucky chuckles weakly. “I’m getting that.”
Steve’s cock is hard against his thigh, and Bucky gently presses his leg against it. Steve ruts instinctively with a grunt of longing.
“Here,” Bucky reaches his right hand down, encircles Steve’s length. “Let me help you with this.”
Steve groans, thrusts once into Bucky’s hand, then stops himself.
“No.”
“No?”
Bucky lets go, confused. Afraid.
“This isn’t about me,” Steve explains, panting with lust but resolute. “This is about you. You’ve already given me so much. I’m six months behind, gotta make it up to you.”
“It’s not a competition, Steve.”
“Oh, it isn’t?”
Bucky rolls his eyes, but he returns Steve’s grin.
“Excuse me, forgot who I was talking to.”
“Damn right. Now- ”
Steve lets his eyes drift from Bucky’s, down to his crotch, and Bucky’s fear returns once more.
“Now?”
“How do you want to do this?”
Bucky tries not to let the fear consume him. He tries so hard. He reminds himself how much Steve wants this, the stubborn bastard. Steve will love coming in Bucky’s ass.
“Uh, I got the lube in the drawer,” Bucky gestures with his head to his right, at his bedside table. “You know, for when we- ”
He lifts his left arm, wiggles the metal fingers while smirking at Steve.
“So,” Steve returns the smile. “My fingers in you this time?”
“Oh,” Bucky tries to swallow his fear. “But I thought- ”
He lets his eyes drift down to Steve’s cock, then back.
“Is that what you want?”
Bucky thinks. He thinks about all the people who’ve had their cocks inside him. He thinks about how much he wants Steve to eclipse all of them, but he also thinks about how devastated he’ll be if Steve can’t. God, he’s selfish. He knows how much Steve will love fucking him, but he won’t let him.
“No.”
But it’s Steve’s fault. He doesn’t want Bucky to pretend, even though Bucky’s more than willing to.
“So?”
Steve mimics the finger wiggle back at Bucky.
“Sure, I guess.”
No one at HYDRA had ever put their fingers inside him. No one at HYDRA had ever cared whether he got off or not, and the part of the Winter Soldier that had remained Bucky, no matter how much they’d tried to wipe him out, had clung to that. But he doesn’t need to cling to it anymore. HYDRA’s power is gone, its remnants on the run, and the only person Bucky’s hurting now is himself. Himself, and Steve.
“You guess?”
“Yes,” Bucky twists his head to look at Steve directly. Obstinately. “Do it, Rogers.”
“That’s more like it.”
Steve gets off the bed, letting Bucky sit up against the headboard as he pulls out the drawer in the bedside table and retrieves the lube. He and Bucky switch positions, Steve’s back against the headboard and Bucky straddling him. He hates the shame he feels as Steve’s hard cock presses against his emptiness, but then it’s obliterated by Steve’s slick fingers snaking behind him and finding his hole. He remembers other blunt, slick objects being pressed into him-
But, no, this is different. Totally different. He needs to stop thinking about this as Steve taking from him, like HYDRA, and more like Steve giving something to him. Steve’s giving this to him, and he’s giving this to Steve-
He gasps as Steve’s right index finger easily slips inside him.
“You like that, Buck?”
Bucky murmurs his assent. It’s not arousal, not the way he used to feel it, so long ago, but it feels good, and that may have to be enough. Steve adds his middle finger, twisting both inside Bucky, searching for that spot that always makes Steve come undone in Bucky’s arms. For a few minutes, Bucky’s terrified that Steve won’t find it. Maybe it’s not even there anymore. Maybe it’s withered from seventy years without his balls, or maybe HYDRA removed it, too, and didn’t tell him.
He’s terrified that Steve won’t find it, but he’s also terrified that Steve will.
When Steve does find the gland, Bucky jolts up in surprise, nearly dislodging Steve’s fingers. He desperately wants to grind the space where his nonexistent cock should be against something, and that’s frustrating, but it feels so incredible he can’t focus on the loss. For the first time in more than seventy years, he wants to come, and he’s not sure how that will work, but he can feel the need, so it has to work. It has to.
“Oh!”
He lets out an involuntary groan, and he feels Steve’s cock surge between his legs. Steve’s ring finger joins his other two inside Bucky, all of them twisting against his prostate, and Bucky throws his head back and wails.
“Steve! Oh, Steve, fuck!”
His pleasure crests, sending him over the edge. He can’t remember what it was like before, but this is the best he’s felt in years, and it billows from between his legs despite his lack. Something warm and wet drips from the opening HYDRA gave him to pee in lieu of a cock, and he pants it out, pounding himself on Steve’s fingers until he starts to feel sore.
“Bucky. God, Buck, it’s okay. It’s okay.”
Steve removes his fingers, encircling Bucky’s shoulders with both arms as Bucky collapses against him. Bucky’s suddenly aware that he’s crying, and he doesn’t know when he’d started. Those schoolgirl tears he’d been holding back, finally betraying him, but he’s too tired, too content, to really give a damn. He came. He fucking came.
Take that, HYDRA.
Oh, and fuck you.
He buries his face in Steve’s shoulder and sobs. Steve holds him, strong and steady as Bucky shakes in his arms, coming down from his orgasm, processing it through his tears.
“I want it, Steve,” he confesses, gulping. “I want all of it.”
“Good,” Steve says in his ear, deep, like tires on gravel. “I want to give all of it to you. Every good thing, Buck. Everything you want. Everything you deserve.”
Bucky’s tears are drying, his emotions stabilizing. He bites back his habitual responses. He wants what Steve’s offering. He wants to believe he deserves it.
“You sure you don’t want me to- ?”
Bucky reaches down to Steve’s softening cock, stroking it.
“Not now.”
“But- ”
“No, Buck.”
Bucky lets go of Steve’s cock. He wants to give Steve pleasure, but he’ll respect Steve’s wishes. They have so much time together, here in the future. So much time to love and pleasure each other, despite everything that’s happened to them. They’re soldiers, survivors. They’ll endure. They’ll thrive.
“You know how long I’ve wanted to do that?” Steve admits quietly. “Too long. Too fucking long. Thank you.”
“You’re thanking me for getting me off? Really?”
“I love you,” Steve murmurs as if he hasn’t heard Bucky. “I love you so much.”
“Yeah, I love you, too,” Bucky sighs peacefully against Steve’s shoulder. “You idiot.”
“So, you ready to start sharing a room?”
Steve’s still pretending not to hear Bucky’s snide remarks.
“Maybe,” Bucky concedes, lifting his head to look at Steve. “But only if you let us keep the TV.”
Steve laughs. It's beautiful.
“You drive a hard bargain, Barnes. But, fine. I accept.”
“Good, Rogers.”
They look at each other for a second, then they laugh. They laugh far longer than their ridiculous repartee merits. They laugh and laugh, and Bucky imagines years of pain and horror disintegrating with the sound. He’s not a thing. He’s not. He’s a human being. He’s a man, even without his cock and balls. That’s not what makes a man, and he’s always known that, but right at this moment he believes it.
Next time, he wants to let Steve try and fuck him. Make love to him, whatever. He wants Steve to replace every awful memory of HYDRA using him. He wants Steve to love him, make him come, over and over again, until HYDRA is a barely memorable occurrence of his past. He wants to return the favor, make Steve groan and writhe in ways he’d never cared that the HYDRA operatives did.
He wants this. He wants this so badly.
Bucky kisses Steve. He instigates the kiss for the first time, grasping at the back of Steve’s head as Steve grasps at his. He loves this man. He loves him so fucking much.
And he wants Steve to love him back. He wants that more than anything.
End