The room is dark when Steve opens the door, but he senses Bucky sitting there, on his bed. Steve closes the door behind him and locks it. His heart is beating hard enough to rival Bucky’s. He wants to grab Bucky, shake him, demand to know why he didn’t tell him. He wants to cling to Bucky, hold him, never let him go.
Steve turns on the lamp. Bucky is naked, his clothes in a heap on the floor. His skin smells of the soap the villagers gave them all to wash with before the festivities. Bucky twitches with the sudden rush of light.
“No,” Steve decides, although his cock swells with anticipation. “Not your way. It’s my turn.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
Bucky stands, hiding his unease with bravado. Steve hasn’t seen Bucky naked in over a year. He wants to touch him.
“You first, Buck. I wanna make you feel good.”
Steve drops to his knees, looking up at Bucky. Letting him choose whether or not to cross the space between them. He feels guilty, that he knows. He wants to make it up to Bucky.
Bucky stares down at him, his face unreadable. Steve studies his body in the light. Bucky’s as broad as he ever was, but Steve can see Bucky’s ribs underneath his skin. He can see the scars that weren’t there before. Scars on the inside of his thighs, and higher. Scars where a knife might be pressed to motivate a man to cooperate with something he otherwise wouldn’t.
Steve shudders and looks back up to Bucky’s face. Bucky glares defiantly, daring Steve to ask. Steve never would. Now he doesn’t have to.
He looks away from Bucky’s ire, down again. Bucky is soft. His balls hang low from the underside of his dangling cock, framed in a snarl of dark hair. Steve wants to bury his face there. He wants to feel Bucky’s cock harden in his mouth and hear Bucky moan with pleasure above him. He wants to make Bucky remember. Remember Steve, and remember himself. Remember them.
Bucky takes a step toward Steve.
“Me, then you?”
“Yeah,” Steve agrees easily. “You, then me.”
Bucky takes another step forward. Steve clasps his hands behind his back. He’s not going to ruin it this time.
“Don’t move.”
Bucky goes to turn off the light. Steve doesn’t move, but his heart races with excitement. He’s never successfully brought Bucky to completion with his mouth. It was too hard to breathe, with his old body. Now he can, with this new body that’s been good for everything except what he wants most.
Bucky’s cock remains soft when he returns to stand in front of Steve in the darkness. It’s soft when Steve begins to lick and suck all around it, teasing like Bucky used to tease him. He kisses the insides of Bucky’s thighs. He kisses up the scars, as high as they go, to Bucky’s perineum and the underside of his scrotum. Bucky’s skin shivers, his heart pounds, but he doesn’t tell Steve to stop. Steve so badly wants to touch him with more than his mouth, but his hands stay behind his back.
Slowly, he feels Bucky’s balls start to draw up, sac tightening as his cock fills and his breathing quickens. Steve decides to stop the tease.
“Never done this before,” he reminds Bucky. “Tell me if I should be doing something else, or whatever you need, okay?”
“You want me to tell you what to do, Captain?”
There’s more than a shadow of his old humor. Steve clings to it, as he’s unable to cling to Bucky.
“That’s an order, Sergeant.”
“Yes, sir.”
Steve can hear the smirk on Bucky’s face, and he clings to it. He clings to it as his lips encircle Bucky’s cock and he hears Bucky’s sharp intake of breath. He focuses his senses, and it’s exhilarating to hear Bucky’s heartbeat. To feel the blood rushing down through his veins. Bucky’s flesh thickens in Steve’s mouth and Steve experiments with his tongue, trying to mimic what he remembers Bucky doing with him. Bucky moans, low at first, rising higher. His hips thrust.
Steve doesn’t. He bobs his head on Bucky’s shaft, sucking and licking. He revels in the noises Bucky makes over his head. Breathy moans and ragged, panting whimpers of pleasure interspersed with his quiet instructions that Steve is happy to follow. Steve’s cock is very interested in what he’s hearing.
“Faster,” Bucky’s hands press insistently against the back of Steve’s head. “Please, faster.”
Steve goes faster. Bucky strangles a roar as he reaches his climax, thrusting into Steve’s mouth, clutching at Steve’s head. His essence is salty and bitter on Steve’s tongue. Steve swallows it all down. He can’t get enough. Bucky groans deeply with satisfaction. Steve can’t get enough of that, either. He's proud of himself.
“God,” Bucky says as he pulls himself out of Steve’s mouth. “Fuck, Steve.”
He’s panting from his exertion, but he sounds relieved. Content. It fills Steve with joy.
“Hey,” Bucky staggers back and sits heavily on the bed. “Come here.”
Steve stands and sheds his uniform. The Captain America costume joins Bucky’s blue jacket on the floor.
“Your turn,” Bucky says when Steve sits beside him on the bed. “I wanna make you feel good.”
Like old times. Except, it can never be like old times again.
“But, if we can’t,” Steve says, strong and steady in Bucky’s ear, because he understands now. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not,” Bucky says with desperate anger. “It’s not okay.”
“Yes,” Steve assures him. “It is.”
Bucky’s heart is pounding. His skin shivers. Steve resists the urge to embrace him. He hates what Hydra’s done to Bucky, and he hates that their intimacy will forever be tainted by it.
“It’s not you,” Bucky lets out a shaky breath. “God, I know you think it’s you, but it’s not. It’s me.”
“Doesn’t matter,” Steve tells him, believing Bucky for the first time. “Whatever it is, we can get through it.”
“You’re gorgeous, and I love you,” Bucky says earnestly, a rush of words held back too long. The words Steve’s wanted to hear and believe. “I love you, no matter what. I love that you’re healthy and strong. I missed you, Steve.”
Bucky kisses him. Steve lets him take the lead, hands at his sides. He wants anything Bucky is willing to give him.
“I love you, too,” Steve pulls his mouth away to tell him. He can’t remember the last time he told Bucky that. “I love you so much, Buck.”
He feels Bucky shiver. Not with fear. With anticipation. Like old times. Bucky moves, sprawling face-down on the bed. Steve moves, hovering over him. He wants this, if Bucky wants this.
“You should put on a condom,” Bucky mumbles into the pillow. “For safety.”
They’d never used condoms, back in their apartment.
“I’ll take my chances,” Steve tells him. “I’m a superhuman, after all.”
He hears Bucky chuckle into the pillow.
“I’d feel better if you did. Just in case.”
Steve’s heart clenches. Not just because of the implications, but because Steve knows how he would have misinterpreted Bucky’s concerns, before. He reminds himself that it doesn’t matter now. He’s going to make it up to Bucky.
“Okay.”
Steve has condoms, and Vaseline. He rolls a condom on, greasing himself up. His slick fingers prod Bucky’s ass. He hears Bucky’s heart racing.
“We could do it the other way,” Steve offers. “You on top.”
“No,” Bucky growls into the pillow. “I want this.”
Steve wants it, too, no matter how much guilt he feels over that. His right forefinger breaches Bucky. Bucky gasps.
“You okay?”
“Yes,” Bucky insists. “Keep going.”
Steve adds a second finger. Bucky moans.
“Yes,” Bucky says in a different voice. “Yes.”
A third finger. Steve starts to hope.
“Please,” Bucky murmurs. “Please, Steve.”
Steve adds a fourth finger. Bucky moans again, humping himself against the bed, ready to go again. He feels ready, and Steve’s been ready for a long time. Too long.
“I want you, Buck,” Steve says breathily. “Tell me you want me, too.”
“I do,” Bucky says. “God, I do.”
Steve pulls his fingers out. He positions himself over Bucky. He starts to push himself inside.
Bucky’s heart jumps. He stifles a yell into the pillow, pulling himself away from Steve. Steve offers no resistance as Bucky rolls aside and curls in on himself, shielding himself as he shakes with fear. It hurts, but Steve knows why. He understands.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Bucky growls. “I want you. I want you, why can’t I do this?”
“It’s okay,” Steve props himself up on one arm. “It’s okay.”
He knows. He understands. He’ll never tell Bucky.
“No, it’s not,” Bucky repeats, angry. With himself, Steve understands. Not with Steve. “It’s not.”
Steve says nothing more to assuage him. He’s told Bucky what he can. He doesn’t want to make Bucky shut down. Not after he’d managed to give Bucky a small respite of pleasure.
“Stay the night with me?”
He asks instead. Hoping. Even if nothing more happens, he wants Bucky in his bed. In his arms.
“No,” Bucky starts to get off the bed. “I gotta get back to my room.”
He’s right, Steve knows. It would be reckless, even with the locked door. No matter how much he wants it. He sits up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed as he listens to Bucky fumble for his clothes. He pulls the rubber off his softening cock. He knows Bucky thinks he doesn’t understand. He can never tell Bucky that he understands. That hurts in a different way.
“I love you,” Steve says softly when he hears the click of the lock. “No matter what.”
He can never tell Bucky, but he wants Bucky to understand he’s not angry. Not like before.
Bucky doesn’t respond. The door closes behind him, leaving Steve alone in the darkness.
Re: Fill: Wrong (6/?)
He can’t do either.
“I wanna try again,” Bucky says steadily. “Let’s try again.”
Steve turns on the lamp. Bucky is naked, his clothes in a heap on the floor. His skin smells of the soap the villagers gave them all to wash with before the festivities. Bucky twitches with the sudden rush of light.
“No,” Steve decides, although his cock swells with anticipation. “Not your way. It’s my turn.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
Bucky stands, hiding his unease with bravado. Steve hasn’t seen Bucky naked in over a year. He wants to touch him.
“You first, Buck. I wanna make you feel good.”
Steve drops to his knees, looking up at Bucky. Letting him choose whether or not to cross the space between them. He feels guilty, that he knows. He wants to make it up to Bucky.
Bucky stares down at him, his face unreadable. Steve studies his body in the light. Bucky’s as broad as he ever was, but Steve can see Bucky’s ribs underneath his skin. He can see the scars that weren’t there before. Scars on the inside of his thighs, and higher. Scars where a knife might be pressed to motivate a man to cooperate with something he otherwise wouldn’t.
Steve shudders and looks back up to Bucky’s face. Bucky glares defiantly, daring Steve to ask. Steve never would. Now he doesn’t have to.
He looks away from Bucky’s ire, down again. Bucky is soft. His balls hang low from the underside of his dangling cock, framed in a snarl of dark hair. Steve wants to bury his face there. He wants to feel Bucky’s cock harden in his mouth and hear Bucky moan with pleasure above him. He wants to make Bucky remember. Remember Steve, and remember himself. Remember them.
Bucky takes a step toward Steve.
“Me, then you?”
“Yeah,” Steve agrees easily. “You, then me.”
Bucky takes another step forward. Steve clasps his hands behind his back. He’s not going to ruin it this time.
“Don’t move.”
Bucky goes to turn off the light. Steve doesn’t move, but his heart races with excitement. He’s never successfully brought Bucky to completion with his mouth. It was too hard to breathe, with his old body. Now he can, with this new body that’s been good for everything except what he wants most.
Bucky’s cock remains soft when he returns to stand in front of Steve in the darkness. It’s soft when Steve begins to lick and suck all around it, teasing like Bucky used to tease him. He kisses the insides of Bucky’s thighs. He kisses up the scars, as high as they go, to Bucky’s perineum and the underside of his scrotum. Bucky’s skin shivers, his heart pounds, but he doesn’t tell Steve to stop. Steve so badly wants to touch him with more than his mouth, but his hands stay behind his back.
Slowly, he feels Bucky’s balls start to draw up, sac tightening as his cock fills and his breathing quickens. Steve decides to stop the tease.
“Never done this before,” he reminds Bucky. “Tell me if I should be doing something else, or whatever you need, okay?”
“You want me to tell you what to do, Captain?”
There’s more than a shadow of his old humor. Steve clings to it, as he’s unable to cling to Bucky.
“That’s an order, Sergeant.”
“Yes, sir.”
Steve can hear the smirk on Bucky’s face, and he clings to it. He clings to it as his lips encircle Bucky’s cock and he hears Bucky’s sharp intake of breath. He focuses his senses, and it’s exhilarating to hear Bucky’s heartbeat. To feel the blood rushing down through his veins. Bucky’s flesh thickens in Steve’s mouth and Steve experiments with his tongue, trying to mimic what he remembers Bucky doing with him. Bucky moans, low at first, rising higher. His hips thrust.
“Oh, God, yes,” Bucky gasps quietly. “Right there, Stevie. Right there, fuck, don’t stop.”
Steve doesn’t. He bobs his head on Bucky’s shaft, sucking and licking. He revels in the noises Bucky makes over his head. Breathy moans and ragged, panting whimpers of pleasure interspersed with his quiet instructions that Steve is happy to follow. Steve’s cock is very interested in what he’s hearing.
“Faster,” Bucky’s hands press insistently against the back of Steve’s head. “Please, faster.”
Steve goes faster. Bucky strangles a roar as he reaches his climax, thrusting into Steve’s mouth, clutching at Steve’s head. His essence is salty and bitter on Steve’s tongue. Steve swallows it all down. He can’t get enough. Bucky groans deeply with satisfaction. Steve can’t get enough of that, either. He's proud of himself.
“God,” Bucky says as he pulls himself out of Steve’s mouth. “Fuck, Steve.”
He’s panting from his exertion, but he sounds relieved. Content. It fills Steve with joy.
“Hey,” Bucky staggers back and sits heavily on the bed. “Come here.”
Steve stands and sheds his uniform. The Captain America costume joins Bucky’s blue jacket on the floor.
“Your turn,” Bucky says when Steve sits beside him on the bed. “I wanna make you feel good.”
Like old times. Except, it can never be like old times again.
“But, if we can’t,” Steve says, strong and steady in Bucky’s ear, because he understands now. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not,” Bucky says with desperate anger. “It’s not okay.”
“Yes,” Steve assures him. “It is.”
Bucky’s heart is pounding. His skin shivers. Steve resists the urge to embrace him. He hates what Hydra’s done to Bucky, and he hates that their intimacy will forever be tainted by it.
“It’s not you,” Bucky lets out a shaky breath. “God, I know you think it’s you, but it’s not. It’s me.”
“Doesn’t matter,” Steve tells him, believing Bucky for the first time. “Whatever it is, we can get through it.”
“You’re gorgeous, and I love you,” Bucky says earnestly, a rush of words held back too long. The words Steve’s wanted to hear and believe. “I love you, no matter what. I love that you’re healthy and strong. I missed you, Steve.”
Bucky kisses him. Steve lets him take the lead, hands at his sides. He wants anything Bucky is willing to give him.
“I love you, too,” Steve pulls his mouth away to tell him. He can’t remember the last time he told Bucky that. “I love you so much, Buck.”
He feels Bucky shiver. Not with fear. With anticipation. Like old times. Bucky moves, sprawling face-down on the bed. Steve moves, hovering over him. He wants this, if Bucky wants this.
“You should put on a condom,” Bucky mumbles into the pillow. “For safety.”
They’d never used condoms, back in their apartment.
“I’ll take my chances,” Steve tells him. “I’m a superhuman, after all.”
He hears Bucky chuckle into the pillow.
“I’d feel better if you did. Just in case.”
Steve’s heart clenches. Not just because of the implications, but because Steve knows how he would have misinterpreted Bucky’s concerns, before. He reminds himself that it doesn’t matter now. He’s going to make it up to Bucky.
“Okay.”
Steve has condoms, and Vaseline. He rolls a condom on, greasing himself up. His slick fingers prod Bucky’s ass. He hears Bucky’s heart racing.
“We could do it the other way,” Steve offers. “You on top.”
“No,” Bucky growls into the pillow. “I want this.”
Steve wants it, too, no matter how much guilt he feels over that. His right forefinger breaches Bucky. Bucky gasps.
“You okay?”
“Yes,” Bucky insists. “Keep going.”
Steve adds a second finger. Bucky moans.
“Yes,” Bucky says in a different voice. “Yes.”
A third finger. Steve starts to hope.
“Please,” Bucky murmurs. “Please, Steve.”
Steve adds a fourth finger. Bucky moans again, humping himself against the bed, ready to go again. He feels ready, and Steve’s been ready for a long time. Too long.
“I want you, Buck,” Steve says breathily. “Tell me you want me, too.”
“I do,” Bucky says. “God, I do.”
Steve pulls his fingers out. He positions himself over Bucky. He starts to push himself inside.
Bucky’s heart jumps. He stifles a yell into the pillow, pulling himself away from Steve. Steve offers no resistance as Bucky rolls aside and curls in on himself, shielding himself as he shakes with fear. It hurts, but Steve knows why. He understands.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Bucky growls. “I want you. I want you, why can’t I do this?”
“It’s okay,” Steve props himself up on one arm. “It’s okay.”
He knows. He understands. He’ll never tell Bucky.
“No, it’s not,” Bucky repeats, angry. With himself, Steve understands. Not with Steve. “It’s not.”
Steve says nothing more to assuage him. He’s told Bucky what he can. He doesn’t want to make Bucky shut down. Not after he’d managed to give Bucky a small respite of pleasure.
“Stay the night with me?”
He asks instead. Hoping. Even if nothing more happens, he wants Bucky in his bed. In his arms.
“No,” Bucky starts to get off the bed. “I gotta get back to my room.”
He’s right, Steve knows. It would be reckless, even with the locked door. No matter how much he wants it. He sits up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed as he listens to Bucky fumble for his clothes. He pulls the rubber off his softening cock. He knows Bucky thinks he doesn’t understand. He can never tell Bucky that he understands. That hurts in a different way.
“I love you,” Steve says softly when he hears the click of the lock. “No matter what.”
He can never tell Bucky, but he wants Bucky to understand he’s not angry. Not like before.
Bucky doesn’t respond. The door closes behind him, leaving Steve alone in the darkness.