In the weeks that follow, Steve struggles with the burden of knowing what Bucky doesn’t want him to know. He’s plagued with guilt, but at the same time it’s a relief to understand. To understand that it wasn’t him, it was never him, that stole Bucky’s light. To understand that Bucky loves him, trusts him, wants him however he is. To understand, although it breaks his heart, how hard Bucky is trying.
That understanding has an effect on Bucky. Steve can see it. The careful wall Bucky had constructed between them is coming down. Bucky stands closer to Steve. He begins to laugh louder and smile wider. He claps Steve on the back a few times. The hope that everything might be okay burns brighter in Steve’s chest.
The tide of the War is changing. More and more victories for the Allies. More and more Hydra bases reduced to flaming rubble by Steve and his friends. He can almost taste the Red Skull’s anger and desperation, and it drives him as much as the rekindling spark he sometimes glimpses in Bucky’s eye. Everything might be okay, because he’s got the body he’s always wanted and it’s big, strong, and fast. He’s big, strong, and fast. He’s beautiful, and good, and Bucky loves him.
Once the War’s over, Steve hopes, Bucky will have the time he needs to reclaim himself fully. They can never be the same, but they can still be together. They can still be.
*
In June, the Allies launch Operation Overlord. Cap and his Howlies aren’t at Normandy, they’re fighting Hydra on the opposite side of France, but the news spurs them on.
That same month, Bucky sneaks into Steve’s tent to try again. Their first try since the inn. Steve wants to get Bucky first, but Bucky insists that it’s Steve’s turn. Steve gets three fingers inside Bucky before he panics, but Bucky lets Steve hold him in silence for a long time afterward.
At the beginning of July the Allies are gaining ground in France. The Howlies surprise Steve with a small cake, after much teasing about the date of Captain America’s birth. Bucky laughs so hard his eyes stream. The cake is hard, gritty, and there’s not enough sugar. Steve savors every bite, blinking back tears of gratitude.
Five days after that, Bucky manages to bring Steve to completion with his hand. His heart hammers, and he’s shaking, but Steve can tell how proud he is of himself. Steve’s proud, too, and grateful. It’s the first time he’s come with Bucky in this new body. It’s so much better than with his own hand. Still, he wants more. As guilty as he feels about that.
In early August, Captain America and the Howling Commandos are there at the end of the Battle for Caen. Allied casualties are enormous, but every Howlie makes it through. At one point a German soldier surprises them and almost blows a hole through Bucky’s chest. Steve throws his shield so hard it decapitates the man.
The SSR summons them back to London after that. A few days, a little R&R, while Steve reports to Phillips, Peggy, and Howard. Peggy and Howard take Steve out to dinner the first night, and he enjoys catching up with his friends. Later that night, he enjoys blowing Bucky in a dark alley in a seedy part of the city, his hands clasped firmly behind his back. Bucky tries to return the favor, but freezes halfway through. Steve tells him it’s okay. Bucky’s angry, but he lets Steve walk back with him, side-by-side.
They ship out for France with a new objective. Arnim Zola is the weak link in Schmidt’s chain. If they can find Zola, take him into custody, the brass is convinced it will signal the fall of Hydra.
“He’s the one who took me to isolation, at the factory.”
Bucky doesn’t like to be pressed, but he’ll sometimes talk of his own volition. Steve makes a noise of acknowledgment, trying to control his rage at this man who’d hurt Bucky.
“He used needles, and lights, and he kept trying to get me to say things. Things I never would.”
They’re in Bucky’s tent. Another try, another failure, but Bucky lets Steve hold him in the darkness.
“I wouldn’t, no matter what he did.”
Bucky’s voice takes on a desperate note. It’s something Steve’s been noticing lately. How desperate Bucky is to be the strong, capable man Steve knew and needed in Brooklyn. Steve doesn’t know how to tell Bucky that he’ll always need him.
“Yeah,” Bucky lies. “To beat me. I still wouldn’t, though.”
“That’s my guy,” Steve says fondly, and he feels Bucky swell with pride. “That’s my guy.”
Steve squeezes Bucky’s arm gently. He knows better than to make any sudden moves, but by now he’s figured out what’s okay for Bucky and what’s not.
“Can’t wait to catch up with him,” Bucky says with fierce bravado. “I’ll make him wish he never put his mitts on me.”
“Easy, Buck,” Steve coaxes, though he shares the sentiment tenfold. “We need him in one piece.”
Bucky relaxes against Steve, satisfied with his posturing. Steve wonders if Zola hurt Bucky in other ways. Ways that Bucky will never say. He thinks it’s a good idea to have at least one of the other Howlies there when they bring Zola in. He doesn’t trust himself not to put his fist through Zola’s head.
He squeezes Bucky’s arm again. For some reason he really wants to run his fingers through Bucky’s hair, but he doesn’t. He’s already learned that Bucky doesn’t like that.
There will be time, after, Steve reminds himself. They have time.
Re: Fill: Wrong (7/?)
That understanding has an effect on Bucky. Steve can see it. The careful wall Bucky had constructed between them is coming down. Bucky stands closer to Steve. He begins to laugh louder and smile wider. He claps Steve on the back a few times. The hope that everything might be okay burns brighter in Steve’s chest.
The tide of the War is changing. More and more victories for the Allies. More and more Hydra bases reduced to flaming rubble by Steve and his friends. He can almost taste the Red Skull’s anger and desperation, and it drives him as much as the rekindling spark he sometimes glimpses in Bucky’s eye. Everything might be okay, because he’s got the body he’s always wanted and it’s big, strong, and fast. He’s big, strong, and fast. He’s beautiful, and good, and Bucky loves him.
Once the War’s over, Steve hopes, Bucky will have the time he needs to reclaim himself fully. They can never be the same, but they can still be together. They can still be.
*
In June, the Allies launch Operation Overlord. Cap and his Howlies aren’t at Normandy, they’re fighting Hydra on the opposite side of France, but the news spurs them on.
That same month, Bucky sneaks into Steve’s tent to try again. Their first try since the inn. Steve wants to get Bucky first, but Bucky insists that it’s Steve’s turn. Steve gets three fingers inside Bucky before he panics, but Bucky lets Steve hold him in silence for a long time afterward.
At the beginning of July the Allies are gaining ground in France. The Howlies surprise Steve with a small cake, after much teasing about the date of Captain America’s birth. Bucky laughs so hard his eyes stream. The cake is hard, gritty, and there’s not enough sugar. Steve savors every bite, blinking back tears of gratitude.
Five days after that, Bucky manages to bring Steve to completion with his hand. His heart hammers, and he’s shaking, but Steve can tell how proud he is of himself. Steve’s proud, too, and grateful. It’s the first time he’s come with Bucky in this new body. It’s so much better than with his own hand. Still, he wants more. As guilty as he feels about that.
In early August, Captain America and the Howling Commandos are there at the end of the Battle for Caen. Allied casualties are enormous, but every Howlie makes it through. At one point a German soldier surprises them and almost blows a hole through Bucky’s chest. Steve throws his shield so hard it decapitates the man.
The SSR summons them back to London after that. A few days, a little R&R, while Steve reports to Phillips, Peggy, and Howard. Peggy and Howard take Steve out to dinner the first night, and he enjoys catching up with his friends. Later that night, he enjoys blowing Bucky in a dark alley in a seedy part of the city, his hands clasped firmly behind his back. Bucky tries to return the favor, but freezes halfway through. Steve tells him it’s okay. Bucky’s angry, but he lets Steve walk back with him, side-by-side.
They ship out for France with a new objective. Arnim Zola is the weak link in Schmidt’s chain. If they can find Zola, take him into custody, the brass is convinced it will signal the fall of Hydra.
“He’s the one who took me to isolation, at the factory.”
Bucky doesn’t like to be pressed, but he’ll sometimes talk of his own volition. Steve makes a noise of acknowledgment, trying to control his rage at this man who’d hurt Bucky.
“He used needles, and lights, and he kept trying to get me to say things. Things I never would.”
They’re in Bucky’s tent. Another try, another failure, but Bucky lets Steve hold him in the darkness.
“I wouldn’t, no matter what he did.”
Bucky’s voice takes on a desperate note. It’s something Steve’s been noticing lately. How desperate Bucky is to be the strong, capable man Steve knew and needed in Brooklyn. Steve doesn’t know how to tell Bucky that he’ll always need him.
“I wouldn’t, so he brought the guards back to- ”
Bucky stops talking abruptly. Steve’s rage flares.
“To beat you?” Steve asks, trying to help.
“Yeah,” Bucky lies. “To beat me. I still wouldn’t, though.”
“That’s my guy,” Steve says fondly, and he feels Bucky swell with pride. “That’s my guy.”
Steve squeezes Bucky’s arm gently. He knows better than to make any sudden moves, but by now he’s figured out what’s okay for Bucky and what’s not.
“Can’t wait to catch up with him,” Bucky says with fierce bravado. “I’ll make him wish he never put his mitts on me.”
“Easy, Buck,” Steve coaxes, though he shares the sentiment tenfold. “We need him in one piece.”
Bucky relaxes against Steve, satisfied with his posturing. Steve wonders if Zola hurt Bucky in other ways. Ways that Bucky will never say. He thinks it’s a good idea to have at least one of the other Howlies there when they bring Zola in. He doesn’t trust himself not to put his fist through Zola’s head.
He squeezes Bucky’s arm again. For some reason he really wants to run his fingers through Bucky’s hair, but he doesn’t. He’s already learned that Bucky doesn’t like that.
There will be time, after, Steve reminds himself. They have time.