The Avengers arrived back at the compound at 22:00. As per his strange new routine, Steve showered in his quarters after the mission. He dressed himself in sweatpants, a tank top, and a pair of slippers. Then he left his room and made his way across the hallway to Bucky’s room.
Bucky was already showered and dressed similarly to Steve. He was pacing, a trail worn into the carpet in front of his bed, with his hair wet against his scalp. Steve saw his agitation, and his shame, but above all he saw Bucky’s desperation when he looked up at Steve’s entrance. Steve didn’t waste any time making his way to sit on the edge of Bucky’s bed with his legs hanging over the side. He didn’t try to make small talk or lighten the mood. He’d learned by now.
Bucky moaned with relief. He clambered into Steve’s lap, swinging his legs over Steve’s left thigh. Steve supported Bucky’s back with his right arm as Bucky curled himself into Steve, his metal arm pressed uncomfortably against Steve’s chest, and his damp head tucked underneath Steve’s chin. Steve could feel Bucky’s heartbeat slowing. He closed his eyes and breathed in Bucky’s scent as he reached with his left hand for the stuffed toy waiting on the bed beside him. He opened his eyes as he handed it to Bucky and watched Bucky clutch the toy like salvation.
The animal might have been a bear once. Steve didn’t care to guess how old the thing was. It was threadbare, with a few patches of brown fur, and a seam up its back that had been opened and reclosed several times to replace its stuffing. Its eyes were long gone, the only indication that they’d ever existed were a few broken threads dangling from the indents in its face. It had all its limbs, but it was missing its left ear. It was the only item that Bucky had brought with him to the Avengers’ door a few months after Insight and the fall of SHIELD. He’d been dressed in civilian clothing and he’d been carrying the stuffed animal by one of its arms like some overgrown child. It had baffled Steve, but he’d been so happy that Bucky had remembered him and come to find him that he hadn’t thought through any of the implications at the time.
“You did so good today, Buck,” Steve crooned into Bucky’s ear. “So good.”
Steve slid his left arm underneath Bucky’s bent knees and began to rock his friend gently. Bucky sighed with contentment and held the toy tighter.
“Everything’s gonna be okay. You’re so good, and everything’s gonna be okay.”
There was so much worse Hydra could have done to motivate Bucky. Steve had to remind himself every time. This was degrading for Bucky and uncomfortable for Steve, but it could be so much worse. At least he got to give Bucky a measure of comfort. At least, in these moments only, Bucky would listen to the truth Steve wanted to tell him always.
“You’re so good, Bucky.”
He held Bucky closer to his chest, rocking him and humming snatches of lullabies until Bucky’s breathing slowed and evened into half-sleep. Steve maneuvered Bucky under his blankets, Bucky never letting go of his bear. Before Steve turned off the light, he leaned down and kissed Bucky softly on the forehead.
“Sweet dreams, Buck.”
Bucky smiled slowly, eyes still closed. It warmed Steve’s heart and broke it at the same time. Bucky didn’t smile much anymore. At least in these strange, awkward moments, Steve could make him smile again.
He left Bucky peaceful in the darkness and made his way back to his room. Sleep was more elusive for Steve, and peace was nowhere to be found.
Fill: Berceuse (1/?)
Bucky was already showered and dressed similarly to Steve. He was pacing, a trail worn into the carpet in front of his bed, with his hair wet against his scalp. Steve saw his agitation, and his shame, but above all he saw Bucky’s desperation when he looked up at Steve’s entrance. Steve didn’t waste any time making his way to sit on the edge of Bucky’s bed with his legs hanging over the side. He didn’t try to make small talk or lighten the mood. He’d learned by now.
Bucky moaned with relief. He clambered into Steve’s lap, swinging his legs over Steve’s left thigh. Steve supported Bucky’s back with his right arm as Bucky curled himself into Steve, his metal arm pressed uncomfortably against Steve’s chest, and his damp head tucked underneath Steve’s chin. Steve could feel Bucky’s heartbeat slowing. He closed his eyes and breathed in Bucky’s scent as he reached with his left hand for the stuffed toy waiting on the bed beside him. He opened his eyes as he handed it to Bucky and watched Bucky clutch the toy like salvation.
The animal might have been a bear once. Steve didn’t care to guess how old the thing was. It was threadbare, with a few patches of brown fur, and a seam up its back that had been opened and reclosed several times to replace its stuffing. Its eyes were long gone, the only indication that they’d ever existed were a few broken threads dangling from the indents in its face. It had all its limbs, but it was missing its left ear. It was the only item that Bucky had brought with him to the Avengers’ door a few months after Insight and the fall of SHIELD. He’d been dressed in civilian clothing and he’d been carrying the stuffed animal by one of its arms like some overgrown child. It had baffled Steve, but he’d been so happy that Bucky had remembered him and come to find him that he hadn’t thought through any of the implications at the time.
“You did so good today, Buck,” Steve crooned into Bucky’s ear. “So good.”
Steve slid his left arm underneath Bucky’s bent knees and began to rock his friend gently. Bucky sighed with contentment and held the toy tighter.
“Everything’s gonna be okay. You’re so good, and everything’s gonna be okay.”
There was so much worse Hydra could have done to motivate Bucky. Steve had to remind himself every time. This was degrading for Bucky and uncomfortable for Steve, but it could be so much worse. At least he got to give Bucky a measure of comfort. At least, in these moments only, Bucky would listen to the truth Steve wanted to tell him always.
“You’re so good, Bucky.”
He held Bucky closer to his chest, rocking him and humming snatches of lullabies until Bucky’s breathing slowed and evened into half-sleep. Steve maneuvered Bucky under his blankets, Bucky never letting go of his bear. Before Steve turned off the light, he leaned down and kissed Bucky softly on the forehead.
“Sweet dreams, Buck.”
Bucky smiled slowly, eyes still closed. It warmed Steve’s heart and broke it at the same time. Bucky didn’t smile much anymore. At least in these strange, awkward moments, Steve could make him smile again.
He left Bucky peaceful in the darkness and made his way back to his room. Sleep was more elusive for Steve, and peace was nowhere to be found.