Over the next few weeks Steve watched Bucky get better. Bucky was hesitant to interact with the other Avengers at first, particularly Sam, Nat, and Wanda, but once the ice was broken and he realized the others weren’t treating him any differently he started hanging out in the common spaces. Steve often found him playing video games with Sam, Nat, and Clint or watching cartoons with Wanda and Vision. It made Steve happy, but it also made a small, dark part of himself envious. Bucky was friendly with him, but after his first day back he’d made no mention of their past relationship or made any indication of pursuing it.
The first mission they went on after they’d been cleared for active duty had nothing to do with Hydra. There was a rogue AI unit in Berlin that had an unsettling resemblance to Ultron. Steve, Bucky, Sam, Tony, Rhodey, and Vision went out to stop it. It turned out to have nothing to do with Ultron, just a bored hacker with fantasies of world domination whose tech had gotten away from him. He surrendered himself without a fight, gaping at the six Avengers on his doorstep, and it took Vision less than a minute to deactivate the AI.
“I didn’t even get to punch anything,” Bucky grumbled to Sam on the flight back.
“Yeah, well, I didn’t get to try out my new toy,” Sam shot back, gesturing to the drone he’d named Redwing.
“It’s just fucking embarrassing,” Tony sighed dramatically. “All that firepower for one little nerd.”
“Hey, that’s a great title for your autobiography,” Bucky deadpanned while Sam and Rhodey grinned.
Steve missed Tony’s retort. He wanted to join in, but he couldn’t. The dark pit in his stomach was winning. He gave a half-smile when Bucky glanced at him.
They returned to the compound a little after 14:00. Steve had just stepped out of the shower when he heard the knock on his door. Firm but friendly.
“Just a minute!’
He threw on a pair of black sweatpants, not bothering with a shirt. He opened the door. Bucky was standing there in grey sweatpants and a white T-shirt.
“Uh, hey,” Bucky’s eyes swept Steve over. “Can I come in?”
Steve was afraid. He was afraid Bucky needed him as a substitute for Hydra again. He was afraid of how much he wanted Bucky in his arms again.
“Sure.”
He stepped back and let Bucky inside. The door closed behind him.
“You still have it.”
Steve didn’t need to ask what he was referring to, he could see where Bucky was looking. The other Steve sat on Steve’s bed, staring its eyeless stare.
“They didn’t get the programming out all the way,” Steve stated flatly, numb with dread. “You need me to, uh, hold you again?”
Bucky looked from the bed, eyes flashing with anger.
“I don’t need it, Steve,” he paused, eyes widening as if he was realizing the truth of his words for the first time. “But I- I still- ”
Steve knew what Bucky was going to say, and he didn’t know what to do about it.
“I want it,” Bucky confirmed, looking down at his bare feet. “I want it, and I want you to do it for me.”
He looked up at Steve, gauging his reaction.
“I’m sorry. I know you don’t like it. I’m not sure if I like it really, but I want it. Does that make sense?”
“So that’s what I am to you now?” Steve heard the ice in his tone. “Your- your babysitter?”
“I’m the replacement,” Steve couldn’t stop. “For Hydra, for Rumlow, for that fucking bear.”
Guilt settled into the lines on Bucky’s face.
“Shit,” he said quietly. “I shouldn’t have put that on you, I know that. And it’s wrong of me to put it on you now.”
He smiled sadly.
“I’ll get outta here. And I know you’re gonna blame yourself, but this one’s on me, Steve. This isn’t your fault.”
“It’s not yours, either,” Steve said angrily, wanting Bucky to stay. “You weren’t in your right mind, and I went along with it. I didn’t tell anyone when I should have, I didn’t get you the help you needed, because I just wanted you back. That was wrong. I was wrong, and I- ”
His confession halted on the tip of his tongue. Bucky’s eyes narrowed.
“Let me take responsibility for what’s my fault. When you speak over me, when you speak for me, that makes me feel more like a goddamn child than Hydra ever did.”
“Fine, we were both wrong,” Steve snapped, wounded. “But you don’t know what I- how I- ”
He couldn’t keep it inside this time.
“I want it, too. It’s weird, and it’s humiliating, and it’s wrong, but- I like holding you. I like telling you how good you are, ‘cause you won’t listen otherwise, and I like taking care of you. Kinda like you used to take care of me, back then.”
Bucky’s eyes widened with surprised understanding.
“I like it,” Steve finished, glaring at Bucky. “I want more than that, but if that’s the only way I can have you, then so-fucking-be-it.”
“Steve- ”
“I shouldn’t like it!”
Steve cut him off. He didn’t want to accept Bucky’s mercy. He didn’t deserve it.
“Doing that to you? Wanting to do more? How am I any better than Hydra?”
“Steve,” Bucky took a step forward. “Stop.”
Steve did, chest heaving. Self-disgust writhed in his stomach.
“How am I any better?”
He was pleading now.
“Steve,” Bucky took another step forward and folded Steve into his arms. Steve didn’t resist, but he didn’t reciprocate. “You idiot.”
The metal of Bucky’s left arm hummed against Steve’s bare skin. It was oddly soothing. He breathed in Bucky’s scent.
“You’re better, because I chose you. I needed it, but I didn’t go to anyone else. I came to you, and I’m sorry. I- I was using you, knowing you would give me what I needed and not thinking about what it was doing to you.”
Steve bit back his reassurances of Bucky’s innocence. He knew Bucky didn’t want to hear them. Deep down, he knew Bucky was right. Part of his anger at himself was his unacknowledged resentment for the position Bucky had put him in.
“If you don’t want to, then I don’t want you to,” Bucky said, holding Steve against his chest. “But if that’s what you’re worried about you’re wrong.”
Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky’s lower back and buried his face in Bucky’s chest.
“I missed you so much,” he mumbled into Bucky’s shirt. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too.”
They stood there, holding each other, as Steve calmed. Bucky was rubbing small circles into Steve’s shoulder blades with his fingers. Rough flesh and smooth metal soothed Steve’s skin.
“I want more, too,” Bucky said quietly. “But I’m not sure how much I can give you.”
Steve pulled his head back to look at Bucky.
“I want us to be like we were,” Bucky continued. “Or as close as we can be, now.”
“Whatever you want, Buck. I just want you.”
It was Bucky who started the kiss. Steve closed his eyes and let Bucky take the lead as he basked in memories of back alleys and warm summer nights. Bucky guided him to the bed, sitting him down gently on the edge. They broke apart, smiling.
“Is this okay?”
Steve’s heart pounded at Bucky’s question. He told himself he didn’t have to feel guilty for this. Bucky was choosing this.
“C’mere, doll,” Steve patted his thigh with a smile. “I’m gonna take good care of you.”
Bucky made a noise of pleasure that Steve hadn’t heard him make since before the War. He scrambled into Steve’s lap and swung his legs up onto the bed so Steve could hold him. Steve didn’t try to hide his arousal this time. He could see Bucky was also hard behind his sweatpants.
“Did you ever get off on this before, with me?”
“No,” Bucky’s tone took on a measure of shame. “When that shit was in my brain it made it so I, uh, I couldn’t get it up. I didn’t even want to. It’s probably been sixty years, maybe more, since- ”
Bucky trailed off. Anger twisted Steve’s stomach.
“Then you’re long overdue,” Steve started to rock Bucky gently. “We can take care of that in a minute.”
“Mmm’kay,” Bucky relaxed in his arms, nuzzling his face against Steve’s right shoulder. “Sounds good.”
Steve fumbled behind himself for the toy. He handed it to Bucky, hating and loving it. Bucky clutched it tightly for a moment, then his eyes opened and he looked up at Steve with confusion. Steve stopped rocking him.
“What is it?”
“I don’t want it anymore,” Bucky said. He tossed the bear on the floor and wrapped his arms around Steve’s torso. “I got the real thing now.”
Steve laughed, warmth rising in his heart as he resumed his rocking motion. Bucky buried his face in Steve’s chest with another pleased noise that sent the blood surging between Steve’s legs.
“Meant to ask you about that. Should I be flattered you named that thing after me, or what?”
Bucky’s laughter was muffled.
“Hey, at that point I didn’t even remember my own name. Just be glad I remembered your actual name and didn’t call it ‘stupid little punk who’s gonna get himself killed.’”
Bucky was finding the humor, but Steve didn’t know if he should laugh or not.
“That doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue,” he offered. Bucky laughed again and Steve chuckled half-heartedly.
"I lied," Bucky said a moment later. "I do like this."
"Good," Steve said fiercely, meaning it. "You deserve it."
Steve rocked Bucky for almost an hour, whispering praise into Bucky’s ear. How good Bucky was, how much Steve loved him. Things he’d whispered before, but there was no shame for Steve now. By the end Bucky was a writhing mess of pleasure in his arms, keening softly into Steve and holding him as tightly as he’d ever held the other Steve.
Re: Fill: Berceuse (9/?)
The first mission they went on after they’d been cleared for active duty had nothing to do with Hydra. There was a rogue AI unit in Berlin that had an unsettling resemblance to Ultron. Steve, Bucky, Sam, Tony, Rhodey, and Vision went out to stop it. It turned out to have nothing to do with Ultron, just a bored hacker with fantasies of world domination whose tech had gotten away from him. He surrendered himself without a fight, gaping at the six Avengers on his doorstep, and it took Vision less than a minute to deactivate the AI.
“I didn’t even get to punch anything,” Bucky grumbled to Sam on the flight back.
“Yeah, well, I didn’t get to try out my new toy,” Sam shot back, gesturing to the drone he’d named Redwing.
“It’s just fucking embarrassing,” Tony sighed dramatically. “All that firepower for one little nerd.”
“Hey, that’s a great title for your autobiography,” Bucky deadpanned while Sam and Rhodey grinned.
Steve missed Tony’s retort. He wanted to join in, but he couldn’t. The dark pit in his stomach was winning. He gave a half-smile when Bucky glanced at him.
They returned to the compound a little after 14:00. Steve had just stepped out of the shower when he heard the knock on his door. Firm but friendly.
“Just a minute!’
He threw on a pair of black sweatpants, not bothering with a shirt. He opened the door. Bucky was standing there in grey sweatpants and a white T-shirt.
“Uh, hey,” Bucky’s eyes swept Steve over. “Can I come in?”
Steve was afraid. He was afraid Bucky needed him as a substitute for Hydra again. He was afraid of how much he wanted Bucky in his arms again.
“Sure.”
He stepped back and let Bucky inside. The door closed behind him.
“You still have it.”
Steve didn’t need to ask what he was referring to, he could see where Bucky was looking. The other Steve sat on Steve’s bed, staring its eyeless stare.
“They didn’t get the programming out all the way,” Steve stated flatly, numb with dread. “You need me to, uh, hold you again?”
Bucky looked from the bed, eyes flashing with anger.
“I don’t need it, Steve,” he paused, eyes widening as if he was realizing the truth of his words for the first time. “But I- I still- ”
Steve knew what Bucky was going to say, and he didn’t know what to do about it.
“I want it,” Bucky confirmed, looking down at his bare feet. “I want it, and I want you to do it for me.”
He looked up at Steve, gauging his reaction.
“I’m sorry. I know you don’t like it. I’m not sure if I like it really, but I want it. Does that make sense?”
“So that’s what I am to you now?” Steve heard the ice in his tone. “Your- your babysitter?”
“Steve, no,” Bucky looked horrified. “That’s not- ”
“I’m the replacement,” Steve couldn’t stop. “For Hydra, for Rumlow, for that fucking bear.”
Guilt settled into the lines on Bucky’s face.
“Shit,” he said quietly. “I shouldn’t have put that on you, I know that. And it’s wrong of me to put it on you now.”
He smiled sadly.
“I’ll get outta here. And I know you’re gonna blame yourself, but this one’s on me, Steve. This isn’t your fault.”
“It’s not yours, either,” Steve said angrily, wanting Bucky to stay. “You weren’t in your right mind, and I went along with it. I didn’t tell anyone when I should have, I didn’t get you the help you needed, because I just wanted you back. That was wrong. I was wrong, and I- ”
His confession halted on the tip of his tongue. Bucky’s eyes narrowed.
“Let me take responsibility for what’s my fault. When you speak over me, when you speak for me, that makes me feel more like a goddamn child than Hydra ever did.”
“Fine, we were both wrong,” Steve snapped, wounded. “But you don’t know what I- how I- ”
He couldn’t keep it inside this time.
“I want it, too. It’s weird, and it’s humiliating, and it’s wrong, but- I like holding you. I like telling you how good you are, ‘cause you won’t listen otherwise, and I like taking care of you. Kinda like you used to take care of me, back then.”
Bucky’s eyes widened with surprised understanding.
“I like it,” Steve finished, glaring at Bucky. “I want more than that, but if that’s the only way I can have you, then so-fucking-be-it.”
“Steve- ”
“I shouldn’t like it!”
Steve cut him off. He didn’t want to accept Bucky’s mercy. He didn’t deserve it.
“Doing that to you? Wanting to do more? How am I any better than Hydra?”
“Steve,” Bucky took a step forward. “Stop.”
Steve did, chest heaving. Self-disgust writhed in his stomach.
“How am I any better?”
He was pleading now.
“Steve,” Bucky took another step forward and folded Steve into his arms. Steve didn’t resist, but he didn’t reciprocate. “You idiot.”
The metal of Bucky’s left arm hummed against Steve’s bare skin. It was oddly soothing. He breathed in Bucky’s scent.
“You’re better, because I chose you. I needed it, but I didn’t go to anyone else. I came to you, and I’m sorry. I- I was using you, knowing you would give me what I needed and not thinking about what it was doing to you.”
Steve bit back his reassurances of Bucky’s innocence. He knew Bucky didn’t want to hear them. Deep down, he knew Bucky was right. Part of his anger at himself was his unacknowledged resentment for the position Bucky had put him in.
“If you don’t want to, then I don’t want you to,” Bucky said, holding Steve against his chest. “But if that’s what you’re worried about you’re wrong.”
Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky’s lower back and buried his face in Bucky’s chest.
“I missed you so much,” he mumbled into Bucky’s shirt. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too.”
They stood there, holding each other, as Steve calmed. Bucky was rubbing small circles into Steve’s shoulder blades with his fingers. Rough flesh and smooth metal soothed Steve’s skin.
“I want more, too,” Bucky said quietly. “But I’m not sure how much I can give you.”
Steve pulled his head back to look at Bucky.
“I want us to be like we were,” Bucky continued. “Or as close as we can be, now.”
“Whatever you want, Buck. I just want you.”
It was Bucky who started the kiss. Steve closed his eyes and let Bucky take the lead as he basked in memories of back alleys and warm summer nights. Bucky guided him to the bed, sitting him down gently on the edge. They broke apart, smiling.
“Is this okay?”
Steve’s heart pounded at Bucky’s question. He told himself he didn’t have to feel guilty for this. Bucky was choosing this.
“C’mere, doll,” Steve patted his thigh with a smile. “I’m gonna take good care of you.”
Bucky made a noise of pleasure that Steve hadn’t heard him make since before the War. He scrambled into Steve’s lap and swung his legs up onto the bed so Steve could hold him. Steve didn’t try to hide his arousal this time. He could see Bucky was also hard behind his sweatpants.
“Did you ever get off on this before, with me?”
“No,” Bucky’s tone took on a measure of shame. “When that shit was in my brain it made it so I, uh, I couldn’t get it up. I didn’t even want to. It’s probably been sixty years, maybe more, since- ”
Bucky trailed off. Anger twisted Steve’s stomach.
“Then you’re long overdue,” Steve started to rock Bucky gently. “We can take care of that in a minute.”
“Mmm’kay,” Bucky relaxed in his arms, nuzzling his face against Steve’s right shoulder. “Sounds good.”
Steve fumbled behind himself for the toy. He handed it to Bucky, hating and loving it. Bucky clutched it tightly for a moment, then his eyes opened and he looked up at Steve with confusion. Steve stopped rocking him.
“What is it?”
“I don’t want it anymore,” Bucky said. He tossed the bear on the floor and wrapped his arms around Steve’s torso. “I got the real thing now.”
Steve laughed, warmth rising in his heart as he resumed his rocking motion. Bucky buried his face in Steve’s chest with another pleased noise that sent the blood surging between Steve’s legs.
“Meant to ask you about that. Should I be flattered you named that thing after me, or what?”
Bucky’s laughter was muffled.
“Hey, at that point I didn’t even remember my own name. Just be glad I remembered your actual name and didn’t call it ‘stupid little punk who’s gonna get himself killed.’”
Bucky was finding the humor, but Steve didn’t know if he should laugh or not.
“That doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue,” he offered. Bucky laughed again and Steve chuckled half-heartedly.
"I lied," Bucky said a moment later. "I do like this."
"Good," Steve said fiercely, meaning it. "You deserve it."
Steve rocked Bucky for almost an hour, whispering praise into Bucky’s ear. How good Bucky was, how much Steve loved him. Things he’d whispered before, but there was no shame for Steve now. By the end Bucky was a writhing mess of pleasure in his arms, keening softly into Steve and holding him as tightly as he’d ever held the other Steve.