For the next few days, they didn’t discuss the prospect of getting Bucky’s dick in Steve’s ass. Really, not talking about that was quite an accomplishment because they were talking a lot more in general. It was… good, in a bizarre and agonizing way. Talking, in specifics, about HYDRA and how they’d hurt each other - been used against each other - felt like finally abrading a wound they’d been trying to leave to heal on its own. Bucky even said he felt relieved to compare and discuss their experiences. His memories remained fragmented and blurred, while Steve’s were all too clear. Between them, they finally had enough context to understand what they had done and why. Contrary to Steve’s expectations, Bucky cared a lot less about the what than the why.

“Gotta face it, Steve. I’m never going to remember most of my past.”

“We don’t know that,” Steve insisted doggedly. “You’re still healing.”

“Steve.”

That tone was almost always enough to make Steve shut his mouth nowadays, however reluctantly.

“Does it matter that much, practically speaking?” Bucky asked. “I know the shape of my past now, even if I don’t remember all the details. I trust you to give me accurate information, so I can make good choices.”

Looking away, Steve fought not to flinch at the - he hoped - unintentional reminder of the first time he had put Bucky in the maintenance chair. “I’m trying.”

“Yeah, you’ve always been extraordinarily trying,” Bucky said matter-of-factly, but there was a touch of teasing that brought Steve’s head back around to look at him. “The point I’m trying to make is that I know what I want now and no memory is gonna change my mind - no matter if I remember more rapes and missions or shared beds and pining. It’s my life. Maybe I can’t control what I remember, but I can choose to focus on what parts of that get to keep their importance, and I don’t want you to keep beating yourself up for every single thing you think you’ve ever done wrong. I don’t want either of us to suffer anymore.”

Painful though the process was, Steve was finally starting to feel like they might be draining out enough of HYDRA’s poison to move forward without making things worse. He had a plan. Whenever the goddamn stars aligned, he’d be as ready as possible. There wouldn’t have to be any delays and Steve would have no excuses. When the moment was right, it would be finally be easy, like Bucky deserved something to be.

He tried not to anticipate too much. He certainly didn’t anticipate Bucky walking in on his now-nightly preparations. The Winter Soldier was as capable of silent movement as he ever had been.

“So this is what you’ve been doing in here without me,” Bucky said.

Steve froze, two fingers up his own ass, one foot up on the edge of the bathtub. He couldn’t read Bucky’s tone.

Bucky took a step forward and Steve started to straighten up.

“Hey, no, don’t stop on my account, Stevie. I don’ mind watching.”

Breath hitching, Steve held Bucky’s eyes and twisted his fingers. It wasn’t pleasure or pain, mostly pressure and warmth. His fingers weren’t quite deep enough to touch his prostate. They were maybe halfway to the second knuckle. He had, in fact, been avoiding it. He’d told himself he was leaving that for Bucky.

Bucky put the toilet seat down and sat on the closed lid, fully dressed. “Jus’ tell me. Is… Uh. Is this for me, Steve?”

Skin burning, Steve dipped his chin in a nod. Everything was for Bucky, when it came right down to it.

“Huh,” said Bucky. “What was the plan?”

“No specific plan,” Steve choked out. “I just… wanted to be ready whenever we were ready.”

“Okay,” said Bucky. A frown creased his forehead. “Keep going.”

Belatedly, Steve realize he’d stopped moving his fingers. Didn’t seem like the sort of thing a man should be able to forget about, but there it was. He carefully flexed the two inside him in a vaguely circular motion.

“Been doin’ this every night, Steve?” Bucky asked, voice low and rough. His pupils were large, but there was still a line between his eyebrows.

“Yeah,” Steve confessed. “Since our night out.”

Eyes falling to Steve’s not quite full cock, Bucky said, “You don’t seem to be enjoying yourself too much.”

Huffing a weak laugh, Steve said, “That wasn’t really the point, Buck.”

“Uh huh. So, it’s not just that your technique’s lousy.”

“No, no, it’s not.”

“Not lousy?

“Buck,” Steve grit out. He felt embarrassed and self-conscious. His erection wilted a little more. The pressure and drag of his fingers was beginning to get uncomfortable. He probably hadn’t used enough lube.

“Pretty sure my technique has to be better than yours,” said Bucky. “I could demonstrate.”

“Whaddaya have in mind?” Steve asked, trying not to be annoyed. He thought it was an offer and not a taunt, but he wasn’t completely certain.

With what the tension in his shoulders said was false casualness, Bucky stood and pulled his shirt over his head. He tossed the shirt out the bathroom door and said, “Get back in the water.” He dropped his pants too. Underneath, he was all bare clean skin. The sight of him did things to Steve and he was past the point of caring more than a twinge if it was in any part conditioning.

Scrambling to obey, Steve nearly did himself a injury to a delicate area. As it was, he barked his left shin on the edge and sloshed some of the warm soapy water over the side onto Bucky’s bare feet.

“Clumsy?” Bucky was right there, leaning in. “I thought you were over that.”

“I’ll always be clumsy for you, Buck,” Steve blurted and immediately wished he’d knocked himself unconscious instead. He rubbed at his leg.

Bucky didn’t seem impressed. “You’re clumsy because you’re too tense. Let me wash your hair.”

Pot, kettle. “I already… Oh.” Steve ducked his head away, reaching for the shampoo.

Taking it out of his hand, Bucky wasted no time squeezing some directly into Steve’s hair and working it into a lather. “Your hair’s growing.”

“Mmhm,” agreed Steve. He’d better cut it before they ended up matching. On the other hand, he was really enjoying Bucky’s fingers combing through it. Would Bucky let him return the favor?

Now Bucky’s hands were on his shoulders, squeezing the muscle tension out like he could make Steve relax by force. Maybe he could. “Oh,” Steve breathed again. He couldn’t go as boneless as he wanted because of the water, but-

“Deep breath.”

Steve slipped underwater without thinking about it. Bucky’s left hand pressed him down while his right scrubbed through his hair again. A tug and Steve broke the surface easily.

“Cream rinse?” Bucky breathed in his ear.

Despite the hot water, Steve shivered. “Can I…” He lifted a hand out of the water, not sure what he was asking.

“No,” Bucky denied. “Let me take care of you.”

The hand fell with barely a splash.

Bucky worked the product in every bit as thoroughly as he had the shampoo, then pulled gently. “Close your eyes.”

When Steve did, Bucky used his cupped hands to pour water over his head. “Out of the water,” he ordered.

Steve’s feet were barely on the floor before Bucky wrapped him in a fluffy bath towel, draped another over his head, and scooped him up bodily. “Bucky!” Steve exclaimed in half protest and half laughter.

“I want you in our bed,” said Bucky, carrying him out. “I’m ready if you are.”

He’d thought the evening was heading this way, but he still had to swallow hard past the lump of nerves. “Yeah. Let’s do it. I. Yes.”

“Yes?” Bucky’s stride faltered a moment in the door to their bedroom. “You mean it, Steve?” He deposited him gently on their bed.

Meeting the gaze of the supersoldier hovering uncertainly over him, Steve said, “Yes, Bucky.” This was all according to plan. “I’ve dreamed of you inside me. I want you.”

Bucky bit his lower lip and looked down before raising his eyes to Steve’s again. “That doesn’t mean you have to like the reality. Even if you’re completely sure now, you can still change your mind at any time. You know how to stop me.”

“I won’t.”

“You will if you want to,” Bucky said firmly. “Not need to. Want to. No one is making me hurt you - not even you. That’s important. Got it?”

“Yes,” Steve agreed. “I’ll say something if I want to. And so will you. No soldiering on for either of us.”

“Ha,” gasped Bucky, smiling crookedly. “Yeah, none of that.”

For a few seconds, Steve smiled back. Then he realized he hadn’t really dried off and his hair was a dripping mess. His smile turned sheepish as he reached up to grab the towel Bucky had laid over his hair. “I’m gonna get the bed all wet.”

“Promise?” Bucky whispered, leaning in with clear intent.

They kissed, sweet and deep and lingering, and Steve felt his lingering nerves settle into anticipation. “Whatever you want, Buck,” he breathed.

Goosebumps rose on his damp skin. He was halfway wrapped in the big bath towel and sprawled on their bed on his back where Bucky had put him down. Naked. They were both naked. Bucky was going to fuck him. Everything would be good.

Bucky took the towel from him and proceeded to rub him down in a way that Steve had never previously considered could be errotic but might prevent him from ever picking up a towel in public again for the rest of his life.

“Roll over,” Bucky told him and Steve felt his flush deepen in an instant as he complied.

Laughing at him, Bucky said, “I meant so I can fix the towel situation, Steve!”

Mortified, he opened his mouth and closed it without a word. Bucky laughed harder, eventually collapsing onto the bed next to him in a fit of giggles.

“I love you,” Steve mumbled to the bedspread, knowing his face was aflame.