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[(Anonymous)]

A very cracky strange thing I wrote after a day of cosplay fun at the Comic Con!




Mission report March 25, 2017.
Mission Objective: Fun at Comic Con.
Filed by: The Asset, mission designation “Soviet Murder Barbie” and "TheAwfulDodger".


This Asset boarded a train in the east at 10.30 hours with the Handler; designation “Little Brother”. When they had to make a stop to change trains, Handler “Little Brother” bought this Asset coffee and a cookie. It was hot and had foam on top. The Asset was undercover as a civilian at this time, and initiated skillset “Small Talk” on board the second train. Asset found out that handler “Little Brother” does not know The Asset’s trigger words past Longing-Rusted-Seventeen, but can do a Russian meme impression about Chicky Bricky. This Asset thinks Commander Rumlow might have to be informed about this.


Handler ‘’Little Brother” and Asset arrived at specified location at 11.24 hours, and had to stand in line for approximately 20 minutes. Handler made good use of this time and strapped on the Asset’s weapons. At the entrance, Asset was checked over by a security... technician... and received the all-clear in the shape of a bracelet. Asset liked the bracelet, it was red and soft and had a lion on it. After Handler “Little Brother” received a bracelet, he rushed the Asset through three halls because the Asset had an appointment at 12.00 hours in the far hall. The Asset already saw a couple of almost-but-not-quite-man-from-the-bridge.


Asset was surrendered into the care of Speed dating Technicians at 12.00 hours. The technician clipped a numbered tag to Asset’s gear, Asset was #23. After this, The Asset was lead into a white room with many people and many chairs, and was ordered to sit in chair #23. A very confusing 90 minutes followed. The Asset does not know this “speed-dating” thing and does have an answer to questions like “Marvel or DC?”. The Asset is also not a Hufflepuff and does not want to be an aminal because it is already a weapon and a weapon is more useful to shape the future than an animal.


After 90 very confusing minutes of ticking boxes, the Asset was released from the care of the Speed dating Technicians, and was picked up by a new Handler (designation “Helen”, best friend). Handler Helen had her husband and two little Superheroes with her. The tiniest Superhero looked very familiar and clung to the Asset in a way that felt very familiar too. The little Superhero’s blue-red-and-white gear was giving this Asset a headachy feeling. Asset dubbed this little superhero BB!Steeb.


Handler “Helen” took the Asset and the little Superheroes to another big hall filled with many people. There were quite a few Not-Quite-Steve’s there, and even another Asset. The Asset did not like this other Asset, surely that other Asset could have been left in cryo. The Asset hugged a few Not-Quite-Steve’s but none of them were the right fit.


Handler “Helen”, the superheroes and the Asset were joined by Handler designation “Kallanda”, and they went to get food. Handler “Kallanda” picked an American diner style place to eat. This Asset thought it was Capitalist garbage, but changed its opinion after it got to have real people food too. The Asset got a burger and a coke, which was pure Capitalist poison but also the tastiest thing this Asset had in 70 years. The little superheroes did not want to share the Asset’s food, which was weird, because the Asset was not supposed to have human food in the first place. Afterwards, the Asset was useful and put the trash where it belongs. The Handlers praised the Asset, which was nice.


Handler “Kallanda” took the Asset to a Very Familiar Exhibit after lunch. There was a Very Familiar Costume and Shield at the exhibit. There were also pictures of the Man On The Bridge, and someone who looked like The Asset a lot but was identified as [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] looked at the Man On The Bridge like he was the sun. The Asset wanted to touch but there was glass. It looked at its own reflection and felt very sad.


After this, The Asset did many weird and wonderful mission-related things with both Handlers. Handler “Kallanda” and Asset rode a motorbike and visited a strange place called “Rainbow Road”. Handler “kallanda” took the Asset on a mission to find a pikachu hat. Handler “Helen” bought the Asset an icecream cone, it was soft and cold and white, but sweet and nice, unlike other white things. The Asset shot the ceiling and the bullet ricoched into the icecream truck. BB!Steeb and the Asset went disco dancing in a Guardians of the Galaxy disco. The two little superheroes and the Asset met a mechanical dog at a blue box, a man with spiky hair, a striped suit and a long brown coat took pictures. The Asset liked the man’s shoes.


During the mission, The Asset and the Handlers encountered a lot of other Operatives and civilians. Some wanted to take the Asset’s picture. Some looked very familiar. Some wanted to fight the Asset. The Asset did not critically injure anyone, nor sustained damage itself. Notable amongst these were the targets named “Logan” and “Little!Falcon”.


At 18.00 hours, the handlers deemed the mission completed and succesful. Handler “Kallanda” dressed the Asset in civilian gear again. The Asset was hugged by Handler “Kallanda”. It was a good hug. Handler “Little Brother” was nowhere to be found, so the Asset was sent back to base by Handler “Kallanda” after many a ‘hail Hydra!’. The Asset travelled back to base by train in undercover mode, and arrived at the base around 20.30 hours. It was hydrated, cleaned and put into cryo with a smile on its face.