Bucky looked at him, angry, ashamed, and desperate. His shoulders were hunched. Steve hated seeing him like that.
“I don’t want it, Steve, I need it. Fuck, please, I don’t have anyone else.”
Bucky had been doing so well. Less than a year since he’d come back to Steve and he’d been cleared for missions. Steve had proudly presented him with the Avengers patch for his uniform. They’d just come back from Bucky’s first mission, and Bucky had quietly asked Steve to join him in Bucky’s quarters.
Steve had thought, had hoped, that Bucky was going to be the one to bring up their past relationship. Between the legal trials and the cognitive therapy in the last year, Steve hadn’t felt comfortable pursuing Bucky the way he once had. He sometimes wondered if Bucky even remembered what they’d been to each other.
“So, that, uh, toy?” Steve inclined his head at the thing laying on Bucky’s bed. “That’s why you brought it with you?”
“Yeah,” Bucky looked down at his feet. “I need it. Fought my way through a Hydra base to get it back.”
Steve made a neutral noise of interest, trying not to be jealous of a Hydra-issued stuffed animal designed to control Bucky. He tried not to think about his friend crawling into a Hydra soldier’s lap to be held and rocked like an infant. He didn’t want to be the replacement for that Hydra soldier.
“I thought I didn’t need it anymore,” Bucky growled at his feet. “They got rid of all the other stuff Hydra put in my head, but- ”
He looked back up at Steve, and Steve was shocked to see tears in his eyes.
“I shoulda known. I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of the bear. And after this mission, I could feel it crawling under my skin, how bad I still need it.”
To Steve’s horror, Bucky fell on his knees at Steve’s feet.
“Steve, please. I don’t know how much longer I can wait. I don’t know what happens if I don’t get it in time. Please.”
Steve found himself agreeing. Anything to get that desperate look off Bucky’s face. Anything to get Bucky off his knees. Anything for Bucky.
At Bucky’s direction, Steve sat on the edge of Bucky’s bed. He stayed very still as Bucky grabbed the stuffed animal and sat in Steve’s lap.
“What, uh, what now?”
“You gotta rock me,” Bucky’s voice dripped with self-loathing. “Tell me- tell me everything’s okay, that I did a good job, sing to me. Stupid shit like that.”
So Steve did. Blood rushed to his cheeks as he held Bucky and moved him back and forth. Steve murmured in Bucky’s ear. How well he’d done on the mission. How good he was. How proud Steve was of him. It felt like a long time until Bucky’s breathing slowed and Steve glanced down to see Bucky’s eyes had closed.
“Bucky?” Steve whispered, not wanting to wake him but unsure what to do next. “Hey, Buck? Do I need to do anything else?”
“Mmm, don’t know,” Bucky nuzzled his face into Steve’s chest, which both delighted and mortified Steve. “They’d throw me in the freezer after this. Maybe you should tuck me into bed?”
So Steve did.
“Thank you,” Bucky called softly from his bed as Steve opened the door to leave. “I’m sorry.”
Steve told him he had nothing to be sorry for and left quickly for his own room. He took a second shower, trying unsuccessfully to wash the discomfort from his skin. What confused him the most was how much he’d liked being able to touch Bucky again. He didn’t enjoy the reason Bucky was letting Steve touch him, but he enjoyed the feeling of Bucky in his arms. It had been so long.
His selfishness astounded him. It felt perverted, enjoying any aspect of Bucky’s infantilization. It was wrong, but-
Re: Fill: Berceuse (2/?)
“You want me to do what?”
Bucky looked at him, angry, ashamed, and desperate. His shoulders were hunched. Steve hated seeing him like that.
“I don’t want it, Steve, I need it. Fuck, please, I don’t have anyone else.”
Bucky had been doing so well. Less than a year since he’d come back to Steve and he’d been cleared for missions. Steve had proudly presented him with the Avengers patch for his uniform. They’d just come back from Bucky’s first mission, and Bucky had quietly asked Steve to join him in Bucky’s quarters.
Steve had thought, had hoped, that Bucky was going to be the one to bring up their past relationship. Between the legal trials and the cognitive therapy in the last year, Steve hadn’t felt comfortable pursuing Bucky the way he once had. He sometimes wondered if Bucky even remembered what they’d been to each other.
“So, that, uh, toy?” Steve inclined his head at the thing laying on Bucky’s bed. “That’s why you brought it with you?”
“Yeah,” Bucky looked down at his feet. “I need it. Fought my way through a Hydra base to get it back.”
Steve made a neutral noise of interest, trying not to be jealous of a Hydra-issued stuffed animal designed to control Bucky. He tried not to think about his friend crawling into a Hydra soldier’s lap to be held and rocked like an infant. He didn’t want to be the replacement for that Hydra soldier.
“I thought I didn’t need it anymore,” Bucky growled at his feet. “They got rid of all the other stuff Hydra put in my head, but- ”
He looked back up at Steve, and Steve was shocked to see tears in his eyes.
“I shoulda known. I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of the bear. And after this mission, I could feel it crawling under my skin, how bad I still need it.”
To Steve’s horror, Bucky fell on his knees at Steve’s feet.
“Steve, please. I don’t know how much longer I can wait. I don’t know what happens if I don’t get it in time. Please.”
Steve found himself agreeing. Anything to get that desperate look off Bucky’s face. Anything to get Bucky off his knees. Anything for Bucky.
At Bucky’s direction, Steve sat on the edge of Bucky’s bed. He stayed very still as Bucky grabbed the stuffed animal and sat in Steve’s lap.
“What, uh, what now?”
“You gotta rock me,” Bucky’s voice dripped with self-loathing. “Tell me- tell me everything’s okay, that I did a good job, sing to me. Stupid shit like that.”
So Steve did. Blood rushed to his cheeks as he held Bucky and moved him back and forth. Steve murmured in Bucky’s ear. How well he’d done on the mission. How good he was. How proud Steve was of him. It felt like a long time until Bucky’s breathing slowed and Steve glanced down to see Bucky’s eyes had closed.
“Bucky?” Steve whispered, not wanting to wake him but unsure what to do next. “Hey, Buck? Do I need to do anything else?”
“Mmm, don’t know,” Bucky nuzzled his face into Steve’s chest, which both delighted and mortified Steve. “They’d throw me in the freezer after this. Maybe you should tuck me into bed?”
So Steve did.
“Thank you,” Bucky called softly from his bed as Steve opened the door to leave. “I’m sorry.”
Steve told him he had nothing to be sorry for and left quickly for his own room. He took a second shower, trying unsuccessfully to wash the discomfort from his skin. What confused him the most was how much he’d liked being able to touch Bucky again. He didn’t enjoy the reason Bucky was letting Steve touch him, but he enjoyed the feeling of Bucky in his arms. It had been so long.
His selfishness astounded him. It felt perverted, enjoying any aspect of Bucky’s infantilization. It was wrong, but-
It had been so long.