Dumpster #4: I Don't See How That's a Party

[trashmod]

Okay, kids, you know the drill. Don't be a jerk except to fictional characters. Warn if you want, but read at your own risk, because hydratrashmeme is about as far from a safe space as you can get. Garbage we like: noncon, whump, aftermath, violence, mind control, inappropriate uses of Bucky Barnes' metal arm, bad guys doing dirtybadwrong things to your faves. Garbage you should find a different trashcan for: a/b/o, D/s-verse, soulbonds, mundane AUs, OOC evil!good guys doing dirtybadwrong things to your faves, rotting leftovers dressed up as a romantic gourmet meal. Nothing wrong with 'em, but this isn't the crowd you should be pitching to if you're trying to sell Brock Rumlow as anything but a human dumpster fire.

Link your fills on the fill post, post unprompted fills as replies to a header comment so the wall o' text is collapsible, and let me know if you're interested in helping out with the Pinboard archive.

[Rules in full] [Round 1] [Round 2] [Round 3] [Fill post] [Chatter post] [hydratrashmeme Pinboard archive (maintained by greenkirtle)] [Round 4 in flat view (comments in non-threaded chronological order, most recent last)]

All prompts or fills that contain Infinity War spoilers must go on the Infinity War spoiler post until May 26th. Spoilers in the main dumpsters will be deleted.

Round 4 is closed; comments and fills in existing threads are still welcome, but all new prompts go to Round 5.

Comments

Re: Fill: Berceuse (2/?)

[(Anonymous)]

Steve hadn’t handled it well in the beginning.

“You want me to do what?”

Bucky looked at him, angry, ashamed, and desperate. His shoulders were hunched. Steve hated seeing him like that.

“I don’t want it, Steve, I need it. Fuck, please, I don’t have anyone else.”

Bucky had been doing so well. Less than a year since he’d come back to Steve and he’d been cleared for missions. Steve had proudly presented him with the Avengers patch for his uniform. They’d just come back from Bucky’s first mission, and Bucky had quietly asked Steve to join him in Bucky’s quarters.

Steve had thought, had hoped, that Bucky was going to be the one to bring up their past relationship. Between the legal trials and the cognitive therapy in the last year, Steve hadn’t felt comfortable pursuing Bucky the way he once had. He sometimes wondered if Bucky even remembered what they’d been to each other.

“So, that, uh, toy?” Steve inclined his head at the thing laying on Bucky’s bed. “That’s why you brought it with you?”

“Yeah,” Bucky looked down at his feet. “I need it. Fought my way through a Hydra base to get it back.”

Steve made a neutral noise of interest, trying not to be jealous of a Hydra-issued stuffed animal designed to control Bucky. He tried not to think about his friend crawling into a Hydra soldier’s lap to be held and rocked like an infant. He didn’t want to be the replacement for that Hydra soldier.

“I thought I didn’t need it anymore,” Bucky growled at his feet. “They got rid of all the other stuff Hydra put in my head, but- ”

He looked back up at Steve, and Steve was shocked to see tears in his eyes.

“I shoulda known. I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of the bear. And after this mission, I could feel it crawling under my skin, how bad I still need it.”

To Steve’s horror, Bucky fell on his knees at Steve’s feet.

“Steve, please. I don’t know how much longer I can wait. I don’t know what happens if I don’t get it in time. Please.”

Steve found himself agreeing. Anything to get that desperate look off Bucky’s face. Anything to get Bucky off his knees. Anything for Bucky.

At Bucky’s direction, Steve sat on the edge of Bucky’s bed. He stayed very still as Bucky grabbed the stuffed animal and sat in Steve’s lap.

“What, uh, what now?”

“You gotta rock me,” Bucky’s voice dripped with self-loathing. “Tell me- tell me everything’s okay, that I did a good job, sing to me. Stupid shit like that.”

So Steve did. Blood rushed to his cheeks as he held Bucky and moved him back and forth. Steve murmured in Bucky’s ear. How well he’d done on the mission. How good he was. How proud Steve was of him. It felt like a long time until Bucky’s breathing slowed and Steve glanced down to see Bucky’s eyes had closed.

“Bucky?” Steve whispered, not wanting to wake him but unsure what to do next. “Hey, Buck? Do I need to do anything else?”

“Mmm, don’t know,” Bucky nuzzled his face into Steve’s chest, which both delighted and mortified Steve. “They’d throw me in the freezer after this. Maybe you should tuck me into bed?”

So Steve did.

“Thank you,” Bucky called softly from his bed as Steve opened the door to leave. “I’m sorry.”

Steve told him he had nothing to be sorry for and left quickly for his own room. He took a second shower, trying unsuccessfully to wash the discomfort from his skin. What confused him the most was how much he’d liked being able to touch Bucky again. He didn’t enjoy the reason Bucky was letting Steve touch him, but he enjoyed the feeling of Bucky in his arms. It had been so long.

His selfishness astounded him. It felt perverted, enjoying any aspect of Bucky’s infantilization. It was wrong, but-

It had been so long.

Re: Fill: Berceuse (2/?)

[(Anonymous)]

Infantilization is not my kink, but I'm really digging this story!

Re: Fill: Berceuse (2/?)

[(Anonymous)]

(AA) It's really not my kink either, and this is the first time I've ever written it, but I find I'm enjoying it. Thank you for giving it a shot with me!

Re: Fill: Berceuse (2/?)

[(Anonymous)]

OP:
This is so glorious. There is just so much shame and embarrassment over something that is mostly benign. I'm really excited to see what you have planned.
I love how conflicted Steve is. He must've been so blindsided when Bucky told him what he needed, after thinking Bucky was going to bring up their old relationship.
And the idea of a HYDRA soldier doing that for Bucky just makes my skin crawl. I see how upset Steve would be.
I particularly like the line, "Steve made a neutral noise of interest, trying not to be jealous of a Hydra-issued stuffed animal designed to control Bucky."
Just, Steve, you poor, longsuffering soul. He got his friend back but he didn't get everything back he expected.
And I love Steve's shame at the end - how he liked being able to touch Bucky even if the reason was so weird.

Thank you so much for writing this.

Re: Fill: Berceuse (2/?)

[(Anonymous)]

I was also thinking how terrible it would be if Rumlow was one of the soldier's tasked with taking care of Bucky post mission and how angry that would make Steve to find out. /scurries out of the dumpster

Re: Fill: Berceuse (2/?)

[(Anonymous)]

(AA) Ooh, just you wait...

Re: Fill: Berceuse (2/?)

[(Anonymous)]

(AA) Yeah, it's relatively benign, but it's still Hydra-caused. It's still an aspect of their violation and control over Bucky, and both Bucky and Steve hate that so much. Not to mention Steve's internal conflict over how he's responding to the situation.

Poor Steve. He's in way over his head and has no idea what the right thing is to do in this situation.

Thank you again for the prompt, and I hope you continue to enjoy where I take it!

Re: Fill: Berceuse (2/?)

[(Anonymous)]

This is so messed up and not my kink, but...I really like it? It's strangely loving on Steve's end, eve if reluctant.

Re: Fill: Berceuse (2/?)

[(Anonymous)]

(AA) Right? This is the first time I've written infantilization kink, and I'm liking it more than I thought I would, too. Poor Steve, he just doesn't know what to do.

Re: Fill: Berceuse (2/?)

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you, A!A, this is very much a perfect slice of heartbreak that I was craving! <3

Re: Fill: Berceuse (2/?)

[(Anonymous)]

(AA) Thank you for letting me know! So much heartbreak from such a relatively benign situation, and I love it.

Fill: Berceuse (3/?)

[(Anonymous)]

Months and missions passed. Steve settled into the routine of having Bucky fighting by his side again. Bucky fit there so naturally. No matter the time, the place, or the other people, Bucky belonged at Steve’s side. Steve belonged at Bucky’s side, too.

Steve didn’t settle into the other part of the routine. If anything he got more uncomfortable every time he had to rock Bucky to calmness after a mission. He craved the feeling of Bucky in his arms, his skin pressed against Bucky’s, but not the way he was getting it. There was nothing natural about the way Bucky curled into Steve like a child, or the noises of contentment he made as Steve sang to him, or the way he hugged the ugly, old bear like it was the most precious thing in the world.

Steve hated that bear.

He wanted to ask Bucky to tell someone else. To seek help. To try the therapy again to wipe out this last remnant of Hydra inside him. Relatively speaking, it was a benign remnant, but still. Once it was gone, then maybe Steve could touch Bucky the way he’d used to in their tiny Brooklyn apartment or in their tinier tent on the Western Front. Then maybe he could touch Bucky without the crushing guilt that settled deeper in his chest every time he left Bucky sleeping to return to his own room.

He wanted to ask, but he didn’t. He knew what Bucky’s answer would be. He knew how Bucky’s face would twist in angry mortification, and what if Bucky didn’t let Steve near him at all after that? What if this was all that was left of their relationship? Steve feared that was the case, but not as much as he feared losing this last scrap of intimacy that remained to them.

The guilt worsened whenever Steve found it necessary to get himself off afterward. It wasn’t every time, but it was enough that Steve knew he was sick, a monster, to need it. If Bucky noticed Steve’s arousal when he sat in Steve’s lap, he didn’t say anything, but Steve tried to avoid any brush of Bucky’s body on his groin. He tried to avoid thinking about apartments or tents from a lifetime ago. He tried, but he didn’t always succeed.

“You’re so tense lately,” Sam commented dryly one day when Steve flinched away from a clap on the shoulder. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Steve lied, trying not to think about Sam’s reaction if he found out. “Not sleeping well, that’s all.”

“That’s surprising,” Sam cracked a knowing grin. “What with the workout you and Barnes get after every mission.”

Steve realized that Sam knew. Or, he thought he knew. He wished Sam’s assumption about the reason Steve disappeared into Bucky’s room was correct.

“You’re not sneaky,” Sam continued at the look on Steve’s face. “For a couple of ancient super-soldiers, neither of you is that good at hiding.”

Steve’s gut twisted.

“Everyone knows, huh?”

Sam counted off on his fingers.

“Nat, Tony, Rhodey, Bruce, Thor, Clint, Wanda, Scott, Pepper, Helen, and myself. Probably Vision, but he’s not big on shooting the shit with us.”

Steve’s gut twisted again, harder. If only they really knew.

“I’ll try and be more subtle,” he promised Sam.

“Why?” Sam shrugged. “At least someone around here is getting some.”

Steve had to excuse himself after that.

*

Bucky seemed to be getting worse. He was retreating farther into himself around the other Avengers, barely leaving his room when there wasn’t a mission. Whenever he let Steve into his room, he was always carrying his stuffed toy under his right arm. Steve didn’t dare point it out.

One night, while Steve rocked him after a mission, Bucky stuck his thumb in his mouth. It was the left one, humming metal making Bucky’s lips buzz slightly around the digit. The sight made Steve instantly, painfully hard. He was horrified. He remained horrified as he jerked himself violently off in his own room afterward, unable to shake the tantalizing image of Bucky’s thrumming lips wrapped around Steve’s cock.

He realized he was beginning to hate himself as much as he hated that goddamn bear.

Re: Fill: Berceuse (3/?)

[(Anonymous)]

(OP) Ugh. How much do I love this. I really like how Bucky is slipping more into infant habits, sucking his thumb and carrying the bear around and not interacting with people. I love it. It’s so shameful and so sad. I just want to hug him. Or have Steve hug him. Yes, have Steve hug him lots.

But also, poor Steve. He just wants his boyfriend back but instead he has this traumatized friend who he can’t quite care for. I'm digging all the shame boners. I wonder if knowing what he'll have to do after the mission is over ever distracts him, just the tiniest bit, from the mission at hand?

I can’t wait to see where you are taking this story.

But I can tell you want them to both just fucking embrace it. I want Steve to give Bucky a new bear (cause then it won’t be HYDRA issued) and them to have hot sex while Bucky continues to want the comfort he gets from being infantilized.

Also everyone thinking Steve and Bucky are already fucking! Oh, poor Steve. He can’t let them not think that, he doesn’t want Bucky’s secret out, but he also can’t ask for help for what’s really going on.

I love conflicted, heartbroken, perhaps even touch-starved, Steve.

Thank you so much for writing this.

Also, I forgot to mention earlier, you chose a great title!

Re: Fill: Berceuse (3/?)

[(Anonymous)]

(AA) Bucky is so ashamed to get the help he desperately needs. Steve is too, but for different reasons, and he doesn't want to go behind Bucky's back because he's afraid Bucky will never forgive him.

Yes, I definitely think the situation, and Steve's dread of what comes after missions, is effecting his field performance.

I like the description of Steve as touch-starved in this story. He's touching Bucky, but Bucky's not really touching him back. Ouch.

I'm glad you like the title, too! The ritual has the semblance of a lullaby, but it's so much darker underneath.

Thank you again for your encouragement and feedback. It makes writing very enjoyable!

Fill: Berceuse (4/?)

[(Anonymous)]

The latest mission should have been simple. Intel indicated that an ex-Hydra mercenary squad led by Brock Rumlow was going after a cache of uranium in an abandoned Hydra base in the Ukraine. Steve, Bucky, Sam, Natasha, and Wanda went to apprehend them.

The trap incapacitated Wanda immediately, high-frequency sonic blasts rendering her unconscious. The remaining Avengers fought valiantly but were overwhelmed by the superior numbers and firepower of Rumlow’s mercenaries. Steve was forced to surrender when Rumlow held a gun to Sam’s head, even as Sam told him to keep fighting.

They were all bound with their hands behind their backs, and gagged, on their knees with guns held against their heads. Wanda was splayed on the floor behind them and Rumlow stood in front of them, a mocking smile on his pockmarked face as he addressed Steve.

“This must be embarrassing for you, huh?”

Steve glared, mind racing to figure a way out of their situation.

“I’ll deal with you in minute, Cap,” Rumlow teased. “Nothing personal, but there’s someone here I want even more’n you.”

He turned his leering grin from Steve, to Sam, and then to the end of the row where Bucky knelt on Sam’s left. Ice clawed down Steve’s spine.

“You’ve been a bad, bad boy,” Rumlow made his way to stand in front of Bucky, reaching down to grab Bucky’s face with his right hand and wrench Bucky to his feet. “Haven’t you, Soldier?”

Bucky made a disparaging noise behind his gag.

“That’s okay. I know how to make you a good boy again.”

Rumlow let go of Bucky’s face, slapping him gently on the cheek. He started a stream of Russian words that seemed to cause Bucky distress, but after Rumlow finished nothing happened. He directed one of his men to remove Bucky’s gag.

“Soldier?”

“Don’t think it worked,” Bucky growled derisively. “Maybe it was your pronunciation?”

Steve laughed desperately behind his gag. He heard Sam do the same beside him.

“Someone else been playing in your brain? What else did they take out?”

Rumlow ran through a collection of trigger words and phrases in several languages. Steve recognized more Russian, as well as German, French, Chinese, Hungarian, and what he thought might be Greek. None of them had any effect. Not until-

“Voulez-vous votre jouet, bébé?”

Bucky immediately dropped to the floor, curling into a fetal position with his hands tied behind his back as Rumlow and the other mercenaries laughed and jeered.

“Didn’t get everything out, I guess,” Rumlow prodded at Bucky’s side with his booted foot. Bucky didn’t respond. “Not the mode I needed him in, but I can work with it.”

He looked at Steve, wicked realization dawning.

“Wait. If the kiddie shit is still in there, that means- ”

He laughed again, loud and mean.

“Did you all take turns?” Rumlow must have seen the answer in Steve’s face. “Nah, I bet it was all you, Cap. I bet these guys have no idea what I’m talkin’ about.”

He waved his hand between Nat and Sam.

“Whataya say we give ‘em a demo, Stevie?”

Steve willed himself not to react, but he could feel his face reddening with anger and shame.

“Hey, kiddo,” Rumlow crouched by Bucky’s head, gently brushing the hair out of Bucky’s eyes. “You did so good on that mission. You tricked these idiots into thinking you were their friend, but you can stop pretending now. You can come get your reward.”

Bucky looked groggily up at Rumlow, his brow furrowing.

“Mission’s over?”

“Yeah, baby,” Rumlow winked at Steve. “The mission’s over. You know what that means.”

Rumlow untied Bucky's arms, then sprang to his feet as Bucky rose slowly to hands and knees, staring hungrily up at Rumlow.

“He’s been here before,” Rumlow told Steve conversationally as Steve fantasized about strangling Rumlow with his own intestines. “I had babysitter duty after the missions in D.C. He’d crawl into my lap, all needy and sweet. The new guys were always afraid of him at first, but the ones who saw this shit got over that pretty fuckin’ quick.”

“Please,” Bucky begged Rumlow quietly. “I need it, please.”

“Not so fast,” Rumlow pitched his voice higher. “Stay right there. You need to be punished for running away.”

Bucky’s face twisted with confusion.

“No, please, I didn’t. It was a mission, and it’s over. You said it was over.”

“Shut up,” Rumlow kicked Bucky in the face. Bucky flinched, but he didn’t move from his hands and knees position. “You stay there until I tell you to move, or no one’s gonna give you what you need.”

Bucky looked down at the floor, flesh and metal shoulders shaking. Steve wanted to go to him. He wanted to give him what he needed, even in front of Sam and Nat. Even in front of Rumlow and his roomful of mercenaries. The image of Rumlow holding Bucky, rocking him, and giving him false comfort made his rage burn so brightly it hurt.

“You probably want to know why, dontcha?”

Rumlow looked between his three conscious prisoners. Steve wondered what Sam and Nat must be thinking. Then again, there was a good chance Natasha already knew.

“Why program this weird kiddie shit into a terrifying assassin? ‘Cause it’s the best kind of control. He wants it, he needs it, and if he ever went rogue after a mission he’d come crawling back right away. I mean, unless he found a new daddy to give him his sugar, right Cap?”

“Please,” Bucky said desperately to the floor as he trembled. “Please.”

“Ain’t gonna tell you again to shut your piehole, bitch,” Rumlow snapped.

Bucky continued to shake, his tremors getting more violent by the second. Steve made a noise behind his gag, but Rumlow ignored him.

“But we gotta find a replacement for your teddy bear, don’t we?”

Bucky shook his head wildly, then reached a trembling hand to the small pack hanging off the side of his belt. Steve had always assumed he kept extra weapons in it, but to his horror Bucky pulled out that hateful stuffed toy instead. It was squashed into a ball, but it sprang back into its regular shape as soon as it was free of the pack’s confines. Rumlow and his men laughed cruelly.

“Give it here.”

Rumlow snatched the bear from Bucky, who let out a pained cry that he hastily choked down. Rumlow waved the ugly thing in Steve’s face, smiling sadistically.

“Has he told you its name?”

Steve shook his head involuntarily, not wanting to know if the name gave Rumlow that much joy.

“They told me they let him name it himself when they first put this stuff in his head. I didn’t understand what the fucking significance was at first. Not until recently.”

Steve’s hands twitched against their bonds. The man behind him jabbed the gun hard into the back of his head.

“Soldier,” Rumlow commanded Bucky in that horrible, high voice. “Tell Cap your teddy bear’s name.”

Bucky obeyed instantly, with such longing in his voice that it made Steve’s heart ache.

“Steve.”

Steve knew that longing wasn’t for him. It was for the hateful stuffed animal that was the only thing Bucky was capable of loving anymore. Hydra had made sure of it.

“Ain’t that sweet?”

Steve had to restrain himself from attempting an escape to wipe that grin off Rumlow’s face. He could probably make it, but Wanda, Sam, and Nat were compromised. He couldn’t risk it. He glanced at Sam, who looked back at him questioningly. Steve shook his head.

At that moment, Bucky collapsed on the stone floor, his body wracked with what looked like full-blown seizures. Steve made another noise at Rumlow, half-angry and half-pleading.

“Guess we should give him what he needs,” Rumlow sighed and walked to stand over Bucky. “Hear that, kiddo? Time for Uncle Brockie to give you what you need.”

A new thought struck Steve, one that he hadn’t considered before. A thought that never would have occurred to him, because he was old-fashioned, naïve, except for the lust he heard in Rumlow’s voice. He thought about how pliant Bucky would get after Steve finished rocking him, and he was frozen with horror.

Rumlow sat cross-legged on the ground beside Bucky, pulling Bucky gently into his lap. He held Bucky as the shaking subsided, murmuring quietly in his ear. When Bucky was able, Rumlow handed him the bear and Bucky hugged it like Steve knew Bucky would never hug him again.

“You’ve been a good boy, baby,” Rumlow rocked Bucky back and forth, voice pitched so sweetly high it made Steve grit his teeth behind the gag. “You deserve all the good things I’m gonna give you.”

Bucky sighed with relief and nuzzled his head into Rumlow’s chest. His metal thumb entered his mouth and he closed his eyes, making soft keening noises of contentment. Steve felt his face flame on Bucky’s behalf, and he couldn’t look away. He couldn’t look at his friends flanking him. He couldn’t stand to see the realization on their faces.

“Hush little baby, don’t say a word,” Rumlow began to sing offkey, giving Steve another wink. “Papa’s gonna buy you a mockingbird.”

He sang the whole song, leering at Steve through its entirety. He rocked Bucky, and stroked his hair and face. Steve wanted to smash Rumlow’s face through his skull. He wanted to bury his own face in his hands and weep.

When Bucky’s breathing had slowed to a pace with which Steve was familiar, Rumlow gently maneuvered Bucky out of his lap. Bucky lay on his back, completely at peace. His right arm hugged the stuffed bear he’d named Steve, and he continued to suck on his left thumb. The corners of his mouth were smiling.

“This is my favorite part of this freakshow,” Rumlow told his prisoners, staring directly into Steve’s eyes as he unzipped his fly. “Makes the job worthwhile.”

Steve’s vision whited-out for a moment. When he could see again, he found he was on his feet. There were three guns pressed into the back of his head and Sam was making a noise to his left from the ground. Rumlow had taken his cock out and was stroking himself lazily as he knelt over Bucky.

“If you try anything else Cap, I’ll let ‘em shoot you. Then I’ll let ‘em shoot your friends, but not before I let ‘em have some fun with the little girl. They’re so much better when they’re unconscious, dontcha think?”

His hands reached for Bucky’s belt. The roar of Steve’s self-hatred rose to a crescendo as he stood there, unable to move, watching helplessly.

Re: Fill: Berceuse (4/?)

[(Anonymous)]

This is so good. So good. Not a big fan of this kink but author, you made me like it.

Re: Fill: Berceuse (4/?)

[(Anonymous)]

(AA) High praise indeed, thank you! And same here, never been big on infantilization, but I may have to write more in the future...

Re: Fill: Berceuse (4/?)

[(Anonymous)]

Oh my gosh, this is so evil, by which I mean GREAT.

Re: Fill: Berceuse (4/?)

[(Anonymous)]

(AA) Funny how those tend to overlap here in the dumpster ;))

And thank you!

Fill: Berceuse (5/?)

[(Anonymous)]

“He ever soil himself?” Rumlow asked Steve as he pulled Bucky’s pants and underwear down to his knees. “Some of his babysitters used to make him wear a diaper. No mess here though, that’s a good boy.”

He stroked Bucky’s inner thigh with mock affection as Steve shuddered. Bucky’s eyes remained closed but he let out another sigh around the thumb in his mouth. Steve tried not to stare at the naked half of Bucky’s body. It had been so long since he’d seen Bucky in less than a tank top and sweatpants. Bucky was hairless on his thighs and groin. His cock was soft, and his balls were pulled up tightly underneath. It made him seem even more childlike. Steve hastily looked away. He didn’t want to watch this.

“Eyes on me, Cap,” Rumlow said. “Got a feeling you’ve been neglecting this part of the routine, and I don’t want you to miss a thing.”

The guns poked relentlessly into the back of his head. He was forced to look as Rumlow told Bucky to roll over on his stomach and helped him to do so.

“Don’t look at me like that, Cap,” Rumlow spat on his hands, letting the saliva drip lazily onto his erection. His cock hadn’t been burned like his face had. “I promise I’ll be gentle. Hell, you shoulda seen the way some of the higher ups treated him. He’d still have bruises when he got back from a night with Pierce.”

These were all things Steve should have thought of, but he hadn’t. He’d just been so happy to have Bucky back. He should have seen, in all the ways Bucky had changed. Acting like a child had been the tip of the iceberg. Maybe he hadn’t wanted to look too closely beneath the water.

“Yeah,” Rumlow said to Bucky, slapping his ass. Bucky didn’t respond except to suckle his thumb harder and clutch his bear tighter. “I’ll treat you right, won’t I baby?”

Rumlow was lining himself up with Bucky when the men behind Steve let out cries of pain and alarm. He could no longer feel their guns against him. He saw red light filling the room, spiralling from where he knew Wanda was lying, and he saw a flash of movement to his right where Natasha had been kneeling. He didn’t know why Wanda was back in the game. He didn’t know if Wanda had freed Nat, or if Nat had been biding her time for just such a moment. It didn’t matter. He focused on Rumlow, who had halted his assault on Bucky, his burned face twisted with rage, and he heard Wanda’s psychic cry in his head.

Go!

He snapped his bonds and dove at Rumlow, tackling him off and away from Bucky. He could hear the whir of Sam’s wings behind him, gunfire ricocheting, and men yelling.

“You son of a bitch!”

Rumlow snarled. Steve could feel Rumlow hard against his thigh, and he wanted to puke. He brought his leg up instead, with significant force, and heard something crunch between Rumlow’s legs. Rumlow’s eyes went wide before they rolled back in head. He let out a high scream, writhing underneath Steve, twisting his neck to puke on the stone floor himself. Satisfaction glowed in Steve’s chest as he sat back, watching Rumlow convulse like the mercenary had made Bucky convulse only a few minutes ago.

Steve had a brief, dark fantasy about killing Rumlow right there, but he pushed it easily aside. They needed him in custody. He handcuffed Rumlow’s hands behind his back. Rumlow didn’t offer any resistance. He shook and groaned, drooling on the floor. His genitals were inflamed, his dick bent at an uncomfortable angle, and Steve was certain he’d ruptured at least one of Rumlow’s testicles. He was glad for it.

The sounds of battle had died behind him. He looked over his shoulder to see the rest of Rumlow’s men dead or incapacitated. Wanda was descending from where she’d been levitating, her hair wild, her eyes and hands glowing red. Sam’s wings were retracting to resting mode and he looked at Steve with one eyebrow cocked before he went to retrieve Steve’s shield from where it was embedded in a mercenary’s chest. Nat was wiping blood from her cheek, a fierce grin fading from her lips.

Bucky lay where he’d been, pants around his knees, eyes closed and metal thumb in his mouth. He was sobbing quietly into the floor. Steve rushed to his side.

“Hey, Buck, hey,” Steve awkwardly pulled Bucky’s pants over his hips and turned him over. “It’s okay. It’s over.”

Bucky shook his head, sobbing harder, and clenched his mouth around his thumb. Steve was worried he was going to break his teeth. He pulled Bucky half into his lap as the other Avengers came to stand around them.

“The treatment didn’t get all the programming out of his head,” Wanda stated tentatively after a long moment. “Do you want me to try?”

Steve looked up at her. He did want her to try, but he was afraid that wasn’t his decision to make. Then again, Bucky wasn’t in any condition to make a rational decision. Maybe he’d never be.

“I think we should get him back to the compound,” Natasha knelt beside Steve. “You should get him on the jet, we’ll meet the authorities here.”

Steve nodded, swallowing. He realized he’d been rocking Bucky gently in his lap, and that Bucky had stopped sobbing. Tears ran down his face, but he wasn’t as distraught as he’d been.

“Thanks, Wanda, but I want to wait until he can decide for himself what to do. Sam, Nat, stay here and I’ll call in another jet for you. Wanda, help me get him home.”

Natasha pressed a button on her radio as Steve tried to help Bucky to his feet, gently bringing Bucky’s metal hand away from his mouth and throwing it over his shoulders. Bucky hung off of Steve like a ragdoll, the only indication he was awake was the way he clutched his bear’s leg in his right hand. His feet dragged on the ground when Steve took a step forward.

“Steve,” Wanda raised sparking hands. “I can support him.”

“That’s okay,” Steve swept Bucky up into his arms, carrying him bridal style against his chest. He was beyond shame at this point. He knew Bucky was as well. “I got him.”

Bucky nuzzled into Steve’s chest. Steve tried not to compare himself to Rumlow, or Pierce, or any of the other nameless Hydra soldiers that had rocked Bucky to complacency, and then used him. It wasn’t the same. He wasn’t the same. Bucky had come to him, chosen him. He wasn’t the same as them. He wasn’t.

He didn’t know what he’d do if he couldn’t believe that.

Fill: Berceuse (6/?)

[(Anonymous)]

Wanda flew the jet faster than she should have. They arrived back at the compound at 17:50. Steve carried his catatonic friend to the medbay and gave his report to Helen and Bruce after they’d dressed Bucky in medical scrubs and strapped him into a hospital bed. Steve gave the full report, including everything that had been happening over the last five months. It took all of his resolve to look them in the eyes as he did.

“You should have told us,” Bruce said kindly when Steve had finished. “But I know you already know that. Let’s see what we can do for him.”

Helen was already bringing the cranial scanner over Bucky’s head. Bucky pulled weakly against his restraints as a soft cry escaped his lips. He babbled weakly, sounds instead of words. Like an infant.

“Wait.”

Steve retrieved Bucky’s bear, the other Steve, from the metal table with Bucky’s clothes and other belongings. He tucked it underneath Bucky’s right arm. Bucky quieted.

“Can I stay?” Steve asked the doctors.

“Please do,” Helen nodded. “You seem to make him calmer.”

Steve thought that had more to do with bear-Steve than himself, but he pulled a chair from the corner and sat at Bucky’s right side. He squeezed Bucky’s hand softly, intertwining their fingers.

“You’re doing so good, Buck,” he murmured. “So good.”

Bucky’s breathing slowed as the hum of the scanner kicked up. Bright lights shone into Bucky’s wide eyes as Helen and Bruce studied the readouts it was giving.

“There it is,” Helen said after about twenty minutes, pointing at the screen for Bruce’s benefit. “See?”

“That sneaky little bastard,” Bruce’s eyes narrowed. “Look how it’s hiding in that scarring to the left of the amygdala. No wonder I missed it.”

“We missed it,” Helen corrected. “Now, let’s get rid of it.”

“Wait,” Steve said again. “Shouldn’t- ? Don’t you need his consent?”

Helen and Bruce looked at each other for a moment.

“Normally yes,” Bruce answered gently. “If the patient is of sound mind. But as long as this programming is in there, he’s not gonna be of sound mind, and it’s getting worse as we speak.”

Helen was nodding.

“We have to get it out before it does permanent damage to James’s brain,” she paused. “If it hasn’t already. Whatever reset Rumlow used, with the rest of his conditioning already eradicated, it really did a number on him.”

Steve looked at Bucky’s slack face. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t, but then he realized that he didn’t have to make this decision. The doctors were making it for him, and for Bucky, and as weak as it meant he was, he was overwhelmed by relief. It was out of his hands, and because of that, Bucky might be okay.

“You will have to leave for this part,” Bruce told him, snapping on a pair of latex gloves a second after Helen. “We’ll let you know when he’s out of the woods, okay Steve?”

Steve nodded as he gave Bucky’s hand a last squeeze.

“Everything’s gonna be okay,” he told Bucky, hoping it wasn’t a lie. Not that Bucky seemed able to hear or comprehend. “I’ll see you soon.”

Bruce ushered him out of the medbay. Steve stared at the door for a long time. Then he started pacing an agitated vigil in the hallway.

Re: Fill: Berceuse (4/?)

[(Anonymous)]

(OP) I feel so spoiled that you updated twice today. Everything about this is glorious trash.

It’s so great to have the backstory to Bucky’s problem - to make him come back to HYDRA. And we finally got to see what happens if Bucky doesn’t get comforted after a mission. I had never considered there was a consequence. I love it.

And Rumlow. Ugh. Rumlow is here being his awful self. Of course he sexually abused Bucky, of course he did. And of course it never occurred to Steve. Sometimes, I think Steve is so kindhearted and good natured that he cannot even fathom the depth of other people’s cruelty.

The bear’s name! That must’ve killed Steve.

Also, this line,  “It was for the hateful stuffed animal that was the only thing Bucky was capable of loving anymore. Hydra had made sure of it.”

Ouch my heart.

Bucky crying is such wonderful heartache too. You just want to comfort him. He didn’t deserve any of this.

Re: Fill: Berceuse (4/?)

[(Anonymous)]

I really like throughout the story how he always has the bear in his right hand, like he has to hold it with that hand cause then he can feel that it's soft and it was probably the only soft thing he had in his life for sixty years.

Re: Fill: Berceuse (4/?)

[(Anonymous)]

diff!anon

...;A; I didn't notice this while reading and now my heart is hurting ;A;

Re: Fill: Berceuse (4/?)

[(Anonymous)]

(AA) Thank you for this comment! I incorporated a line about it into the story...