garbage all the way down (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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hydratrashmeme2016-08-20 05:45 pm
trashmod) wrote in hydratrashmeme2016-08-20 05:45 pm
Dumpster #4: I Don't See How That's a Party
Okay, kids, you know the drill. Don't be a jerk except to fictional characters. Warn if you want, but read at your own risk, because hydratrashmeme is about as far from a safe space as you can get. Garbage we like: noncon, whump, aftermath, violence, mind control, inappropriate uses of Bucky Barnes' metal arm, bad guys doing dirtybadwrong things to your faves. Garbage you should find a different trashcan for: a/b/o, D/s-verse, soulbonds, mundane AUs, OOC evil!good guys doing dirtybadwrong things to your faves, rotting leftovers dressed up as a romantic gourmet meal. Nothing wrong with 'em, but this isn't the crowd you should be pitching to if you're trying to sell Brock Rumlow as anything but a human dumpster fire.
Link your fills on the fill post, post unprompted fills as replies to a header comment so the wall o' text is collapsible, and let me know if you're interested in helping out with the Pinboard archive.
[Rules in full] [Round 1] [Round 2] [Round 3] [Fill post] [Chatter post] [hydratrashmeme Pinboard archive (maintained bygreenkirtle)] [Round 4 in flat view (comments in non-threaded chronological order, most recent last)]
All prompts or fills that contain Infinity War spoilers must go on the Infinity War spoiler post until May 26th. Spoilers in the main dumpsters will be deleted.
Round 4 is closed; comments and fills in existing threads are still welcome, but all new prompts go to Round 5.
hydratrashmeme is about as far from a safe space as you can get. Garbage we like: noncon, whump, aftermath, violence, mind control, inappropriate uses of Bucky Barnes' metal arm, bad guys doing dirtybadwrong things to your faves. Garbage you should find a different trashcan for: a/b/o, D/s-verse, soulbonds, mundane AUs, OOC evil!good guys doing dirtybadwrong things to your faves, rotting leftovers dressed up as a romantic gourmet meal. Nothing wrong with 'em, but this isn't the crowd you should be pitching to if you're trying to sell Brock Rumlow as anything but a human dumpster fire.Link your fills on the fill post, post unprompted fills as replies to a header comment so the wall o' text is collapsible, and let me know if you're interested in helping out with the Pinboard archive.
[Rules in full] [Round 1] [Round 2] [Round 3] [Fill post] [Chatter post] [hydratrashmeme Pinboard archive (maintained by
greenkirtle)] [Round 4 in flat view (comments in non-threaded chronological order, most recent last)]All prompts or fills that contain Infinity War spoilers must go on the Infinity War spoiler post until May 26th. Spoilers in the main dumpsters will be deleted.
Round 4 is closed; comments and fills in existing threads are still welcome, but all new prompts go to Round 5.
Fill: Berceuse (4/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-09-20 06:40 am (UTC)(link)The trap incapacitated Wanda immediately, high-frequency sonic blasts rendering her unconscious. The remaining Avengers fought valiantly but were overwhelmed by the superior numbers and firepower of Rumlow’s mercenaries. Steve was forced to surrender when Rumlow held a gun to Sam’s head, even as Sam told him to keep fighting.
They were all bound with their hands behind their backs, and gagged, on their knees with guns held against their heads. Wanda was splayed on the floor behind them and Rumlow stood in front of them, a mocking smile on his pockmarked face as he addressed Steve.
“This must be embarrassing for you, huh?”
Steve glared, mind racing to figure a way out of their situation.
“I’ll deal with you in minute, Cap,” Rumlow teased. “Nothing personal, but there’s someone here I want even more’n you.”
He turned his leering grin from Steve, to Sam, and then to the end of the row where Bucky knelt on Sam’s left. Ice clawed down Steve’s spine.
“You’ve been a bad, bad boy,” Rumlow made his way to stand in front of Bucky, reaching down to grab Bucky’s face with his right hand and wrench Bucky to his feet. “Haven’t you, Soldier?”
Bucky made a disparaging noise behind his gag.
“That’s okay. I know how to make you a good boy again.”
Rumlow let go of Bucky’s face, slapping him gently on the cheek. He started a stream of Russian words that seemed to cause Bucky distress, but after Rumlow finished nothing happened. He directed one of his men to remove Bucky’s gag.
“Soldier?”
“Don’t think it worked,” Bucky growled derisively. “Maybe it was your pronunciation?”
Steve laughed desperately behind his gag. He heard Sam do the same beside him.
“Someone else been playing in your brain? What else did they take out?”
Rumlow ran through a collection of trigger words and phrases in several languages. Steve recognized more Russian, as well as German, French, Chinese, Hungarian, and what he thought might be Greek. None of them had any effect. Not until-
“Voulez-vous votre jouet, bébé?”
Bucky immediately dropped to the floor, curling into a fetal position with his hands tied behind his back as Rumlow and the other mercenaries laughed and jeered.
“Didn’t get everything out, I guess,” Rumlow prodded at Bucky’s side with his booted foot. Bucky didn’t respond. “Not the mode I needed him in, but I can work with it.”
He looked at Steve, wicked realization dawning.
“Wait. If the kiddie shit is still in there, that means- ”
He laughed again, loud and mean.
“Did you all take turns?” Rumlow must have seen the answer in Steve’s face. “Nah, I bet it was all you, Cap. I bet these guys have no idea what I’m talkin’ about.”
He waved his hand between Nat and Sam.
“Whataya say we give ‘em a demo, Stevie?”
Steve willed himself not to react, but he could feel his face reddening with anger and shame.
“Hey, kiddo,” Rumlow crouched by Bucky’s head, gently brushing the hair out of Bucky’s eyes. “You did so good on that mission. You tricked these idiots into thinking you were their friend, but you can stop pretending now. You can come get your reward.”
Bucky looked groggily up at Rumlow, his brow furrowing.
“Mission’s over?”
“Yeah, baby,” Rumlow winked at Steve. “The mission’s over. You know what that means.”
Rumlow untied Bucky's arms, then sprang to his feet as Bucky rose slowly to hands and knees, staring hungrily up at Rumlow.
“He’s been here before,” Rumlow told Steve conversationally as Steve fantasized about strangling Rumlow with his own intestines. “I had babysitter duty after the missions in D.C. He’d crawl into my lap, all needy and sweet. The new guys were always afraid of him at first, but the ones who saw this shit got over that pretty fuckin’ quick.”
“Please,” Bucky begged Rumlow quietly. “I need it, please.”
“Not so fast,” Rumlow pitched his voice higher. “Stay right there. You need to be punished for running away.”
Bucky’s face twisted with confusion.
“No, please, I didn’t. It was a mission, and it’s over. You said it was over.”
“Shut up,” Rumlow kicked Bucky in the face. Bucky flinched, but he didn’t move from his hands and knees position. “You stay there until I tell you to move, or no one’s gonna give you what you need.”
Bucky looked down at the floor, flesh and metal shoulders shaking. Steve wanted to go to him. He wanted to give him what he needed, even in front of Sam and Nat. Even in front of Rumlow and his roomful of mercenaries. The image of Rumlow holding Bucky, rocking him, and giving him false comfort made his rage burn so brightly it hurt.
“You probably want to know why, dontcha?”
Rumlow looked between his three conscious prisoners. Steve wondered what Sam and Nat must be thinking. Then again, there was a good chance Natasha already knew.
“Why program this weird kiddie shit into a terrifying assassin? ‘Cause it’s the best kind of control. He wants it, he needs it, and if he ever went rogue after a mission he’d come crawling back right away. I mean, unless he found a new daddy to give him his sugar, right Cap?”
“Please,” Bucky said desperately to the floor as he trembled. “Please.”
“Ain’t gonna tell you again to shut your piehole, bitch,” Rumlow snapped.
Bucky continued to shake, his tremors getting more violent by the second. Steve made a noise behind his gag, but Rumlow ignored him.
“But we gotta find a replacement for your teddy bear, don’t we?”
Bucky shook his head wildly, then reached a trembling hand to the small pack hanging off the side of his belt. Steve had always assumed he kept extra weapons in it, but to his horror Bucky pulled out that hateful stuffed toy instead. It was squashed into a ball, but it sprang back into its regular shape as soon as it was free of the pack’s confines. Rumlow and his men laughed cruelly.
“Give it here.”
Rumlow snatched the bear from Bucky, who let out a pained cry that he hastily choked down. Rumlow waved the ugly thing in Steve’s face, smiling sadistically.
“Has he told you its name?”
Steve shook his head involuntarily, not wanting to know if the name gave Rumlow that much joy.
“They told me they let him name it himself when they first put this stuff in his head. I didn’t understand what the fucking significance was at first. Not until recently.”
Steve’s hands twitched against their bonds. The man behind him jabbed the gun hard into the back of his head.
“Soldier,” Rumlow commanded Bucky in that horrible, high voice. “Tell Cap your teddy bear’s name.”
Bucky obeyed instantly, with such longing in his voice that it made Steve’s heart ache.
“Steve.”
Steve knew that longing wasn’t for him. It was for the hateful stuffed animal that was the only thing Bucky was capable of loving anymore. Hydra had made sure of it.
“Ain’t that sweet?”
Steve had to restrain himself from attempting an escape to wipe that grin off Rumlow’s face. He could probably make it, but Wanda, Sam, and Nat were compromised. He couldn’t risk it. He glanced at Sam, who looked back at him questioningly. Steve shook his head.
At that moment, Bucky collapsed on the stone floor, his body wracked with what looked like full-blown seizures. Steve made another noise at Rumlow, half-angry and half-pleading.
“Guess we should give him what he needs,” Rumlow sighed and walked to stand over Bucky. “Hear that, kiddo? Time for Uncle Brockie to give you what you need.”
A new thought struck Steve, one that he hadn’t considered before. A thought that never would have occurred to him, because he was old-fashioned, naïve, except for the lust he heard in Rumlow’s voice. He thought about how pliant Bucky would get after Steve finished rocking him, and he was frozen with horror.
Rumlow sat cross-legged on the ground beside Bucky, pulling Bucky gently into his lap. He held Bucky as the shaking subsided, murmuring quietly in his ear. When Bucky was able, Rumlow handed him the bear and Bucky hugged it like Steve knew Bucky would never hug him again.
“You’ve been a good boy, baby,” Rumlow rocked Bucky back and forth, voice pitched so sweetly high it made Steve grit his teeth behind the gag. “You deserve all the good things I’m gonna give you.”
Bucky sighed with relief and nuzzled his head into Rumlow’s chest. His metal thumb entered his mouth and he closed his eyes, making soft keening noises of contentment. Steve felt his face flame on Bucky’s behalf, and he couldn’t look away. He couldn’t look at his friends flanking him. He couldn’t stand to see the realization on their faces.
“Hush little baby, don’t say a word,” Rumlow began to sing offkey, giving Steve another wink. “Papa’s gonna buy you a mockingbird.”
He sang the whole song, leering at Steve through its entirety. He rocked Bucky, and stroked his hair and face. Steve wanted to smash Rumlow’s face through his skull. He wanted to bury his own face in his hands and weep.
When Bucky’s breathing had slowed to a pace with which Steve was familiar, Rumlow gently maneuvered Bucky out of his lap. Bucky lay on his back, completely at peace. His right arm hugged the stuffed bear he’d named Steve, and he continued to suck on his left thumb. The corners of his mouth were smiling.
“This is my favorite part of this freakshow,” Rumlow told his prisoners, staring directly into Steve’s eyes as he unzipped his fly. “Makes the job worthwhile.”
Steve’s vision whited-out for a moment. When he could see again, he found he was on his feet. There were three guns pressed into the back of his head and Sam was making a noise to his left from the ground. Rumlow had taken his cock out and was stroking himself lazily as he knelt over Bucky.
“If you try anything else Cap, I’ll let ‘em shoot you. Then I’ll let ‘em shoot your friends, but not before I let ‘em have some fun with the little girl. They’re so much better when they’re unconscious, dontcha think?”
His hands reached for Bucky’s belt. The roar of Steve’s self-hatred rose to a crescendo as he stood there, unable to move, watching helplessly.
Re: Fill: Berceuse (4/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-09-20 08:38 am (UTC)(link)Re: Fill: Berceuse (4/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-09-20 08:18 pm (UTC)(link)Re: Fill: Berceuse (4/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-09-20 01:10 pm (UTC)(link)Re: Fill: Berceuse (4/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-09-20 08:19 pm (UTC)(link)And thank you!
Fill: Berceuse (5/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-09-20 08:15 pm (UTC)(link)He stroked Bucky’s inner thigh with mock affection as Steve shuddered. Bucky’s eyes remained closed but he let out another sigh around the thumb in his mouth. Steve tried not to stare at the naked half of Bucky’s body. It had been so long since he’d seen Bucky in less than a tank top and sweatpants. Bucky was hairless on his thighs and groin. His cock was soft, and his balls were pulled up tightly underneath. It made him seem even more childlike. Steve hastily looked away. He didn’t want to watch this.
“Eyes on me, Cap,” Rumlow said. “Got a feeling you’ve been neglecting this part of the routine, and I don’t want you to miss a thing.”
The guns poked relentlessly into the back of his head. He was forced to look as Rumlow told Bucky to roll over on his stomach and helped him to do so.
“Don’t look at me like that, Cap,” Rumlow spat on his hands, letting the saliva drip lazily onto his erection. His cock hadn’t been burned like his face had. “I promise I’ll be gentle. Hell, you shoulda seen the way some of the higher ups treated him. He’d still have bruises when he got back from a night with Pierce.”
These were all things Steve should have thought of, but he hadn’t. He’d just been so happy to have Bucky back. He should have seen, in all the ways Bucky had changed. Acting like a child had been the tip of the iceberg. Maybe he hadn’t wanted to look too closely beneath the water.
“Yeah,” Rumlow said to Bucky, slapping his ass. Bucky didn’t respond except to suckle his thumb harder and clutch his bear tighter. “I’ll treat you right, won’t I baby?”
Rumlow was lining himself up with Bucky when the men behind Steve let out cries of pain and alarm. He could no longer feel their guns against him. He saw red light filling the room, spiralling from where he knew Wanda was lying, and he saw a flash of movement to his right where Natasha had been kneeling. He didn’t know why Wanda was back in the game. He didn’t know if Wanda had freed Nat, or if Nat had been biding her time for just such a moment. It didn’t matter. He focused on Rumlow, who had halted his assault on Bucky, his burned face twisted with rage, and he heard Wanda’s psychic cry in his head.
Go!
He snapped his bonds and dove at Rumlow, tackling him off and away from Bucky. He could hear the whir of Sam’s wings behind him, gunfire ricocheting, and men yelling.
“You son of a bitch!”
Rumlow snarled. Steve could feel Rumlow hard against his thigh, and he wanted to puke. He brought his leg up instead, with significant force, and heard something crunch between Rumlow’s legs. Rumlow’s eyes went wide before they rolled back in head. He let out a high scream, writhing underneath Steve, twisting his neck to puke on the stone floor himself. Satisfaction glowed in Steve’s chest as he sat back, watching Rumlow convulse like the mercenary had made Bucky convulse only a few minutes ago.
Steve had a brief, dark fantasy about killing Rumlow right there, but he pushed it easily aside. They needed him in custody. He handcuffed Rumlow’s hands behind his back. Rumlow didn’t offer any resistance. He shook and groaned, drooling on the floor. His genitals were inflamed, his dick bent at an uncomfortable angle, and Steve was certain he’d ruptured at least one of Rumlow’s testicles. He was glad for it.
The sounds of battle had died behind him. He looked over his shoulder to see the rest of Rumlow’s men dead or incapacitated. Wanda was descending from where she’d been levitating, her hair wild, her eyes and hands glowing red. Sam’s wings were retracting to resting mode and he looked at Steve with one eyebrow cocked before he went to retrieve Steve’s shield from where it was embedded in a mercenary’s chest. Nat was wiping blood from her cheek, a fierce grin fading from her lips.
Bucky lay where he’d been, pants around his knees, eyes closed and metal thumb in his mouth. He was sobbing quietly into the floor. Steve rushed to his side.
“Hey, Buck, hey,” Steve awkwardly pulled Bucky’s pants over his hips and turned him over. “It’s okay. It’s over.”
Bucky shook his head, sobbing harder, and clenched his mouth around his thumb. Steve was worried he was going to break his teeth. He pulled Bucky half into his lap as the other Avengers came to stand around them.
“The treatment didn’t get all the programming out of his head,” Wanda stated tentatively after a long moment. “Do you want me to try?”
Steve looked up at her. He did want her to try, but he was afraid that wasn’t his decision to make. Then again, Bucky wasn’t in any condition to make a rational decision. Maybe he’d never be.
“I think we should get him back to the compound,” Natasha knelt beside Steve. “You should get him on the jet, we’ll meet the authorities here.”
Steve nodded, swallowing. He realized he’d been rocking Bucky gently in his lap, and that Bucky had stopped sobbing. Tears ran down his face, but he wasn’t as distraught as he’d been.
“Thanks, Wanda, but I want to wait until he can decide for himself what to do. Sam, Nat, stay here and I’ll call in another jet for you. Wanda, help me get him home.”
Natasha pressed a button on her radio as Steve tried to help Bucky to his feet, gently bringing Bucky’s metal hand away from his mouth and throwing it over his shoulders. Bucky hung off of Steve like a ragdoll, the only indication he was awake was the way he clutched his bear’s leg in his right hand. His feet dragged on the ground when Steve took a step forward.
“Steve,” Wanda raised sparking hands. “I can support him.”
“That’s okay,” Steve swept Bucky up into his arms, carrying him bridal style against his chest. He was beyond shame at this point. He knew Bucky was as well. “I got him.”
Bucky nuzzled into Steve’s chest. Steve tried not to compare himself to Rumlow, or Pierce, or any of the other nameless Hydra soldiers that had rocked Bucky to complacency, and then used him. It wasn’t the same. He wasn’t the same. Bucky had come to him, chosen him. He wasn’t the same as them. He wasn’t.
He didn’t know what he’d do if he couldn’t believe that.
Fill: Berceuse (6/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-09-20 08:17 pm (UTC)(link)“You should have told us,” Bruce said kindly when Steve had finished. “But I know you already know that. Let’s see what we can do for him.”
Helen was already bringing the cranial scanner over Bucky’s head. Bucky pulled weakly against his restraints as a soft cry escaped his lips. He babbled weakly, sounds instead of words. Like an infant.
“Wait.”
Steve retrieved Bucky’s bear, the other Steve, from the metal table with Bucky’s clothes and other belongings. He tucked it underneath Bucky’s right arm. Bucky quieted.
“Can I stay?” Steve asked the doctors.
“Please do,” Helen nodded. “You seem to make him calmer.”
Steve thought that had more to do with bear-Steve than himself, but he pulled a chair from the corner and sat at Bucky’s right side. He squeezed Bucky’s hand softly, intertwining their fingers.
“You’re doing so good, Buck,” he murmured. “So good.”
Bucky’s breathing slowed as the hum of the scanner kicked up. Bright lights shone into Bucky’s wide eyes as Helen and Bruce studied the readouts it was giving.
“There it is,” Helen said after about twenty minutes, pointing at the screen for Bruce’s benefit. “See?”
“That sneaky little bastard,” Bruce’s eyes narrowed. “Look how it’s hiding in that scarring to the left of the amygdala. No wonder I missed it.”
“We missed it,” Helen corrected. “Now, let’s get rid of it.”
“Wait,” Steve said again. “Shouldn’t- ? Don’t you need his consent?”
Helen and Bruce looked at each other for a moment.
“Normally yes,” Bruce answered gently. “If the patient is of sound mind. But as long as this programming is in there, he’s not gonna be of sound mind, and it’s getting worse as we speak.”
Helen was nodding.
“We have to get it out before it does permanent damage to James’s brain,” she paused. “If it hasn’t already. Whatever reset Rumlow used, with the rest of his conditioning already eradicated, it really did a number on him.”
Steve looked at Bucky’s slack face. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t, but then he realized that he didn’t have to make this decision. The doctors were making it for him, and for Bucky, and as weak as it meant he was, he was overwhelmed by relief. It was out of his hands, and because of that, Bucky might be okay.
“You will have to leave for this part,” Bruce told him, snapping on a pair of latex gloves a second after Helen. “We’ll let you know when he’s out of the woods, okay Steve?”
Steve nodded as he gave Bucky’s hand a last squeeze.
“Everything’s gonna be okay,” he told Bucky, hoping it wasn’t a lie. Not that Bucky seemed able to hear or comprehend. “I’ll see you soon.”
Bruce ushered him out of the medbay. Steve stared at the door for a long time. Then he started pacing an agitated vigil in the hallway.
Re: Fill: Berceuse (6/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-09-21 02:34 am (UTC)(link)Oh Steve. I don’t think he really wanted to believe that there was still something from HYDRA in Bucky. I think he was hoping that this was just some last behavioral trait remaining, not HYDRA’s programing. Cause, programing aside, Bucky would still be bound to have PTSD or other mental health problems. He just wanted to hold his friend.
And Bucky becoming even more infant like here, losing his ability to make words. Ugh. I love it.
Also “an agitated vigil” is a great line and just perfect imagery.
Thanks again for writing this. I can’t wait to see what happens next!
(also, I realize I accidentally commented on part 4 just now when I meant to comment on 5 but you'll figure it out).
Fill: Berceuse (7/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-09-22 03:15 pm (UTC)(link)“Nat’s giving the report with Wanda. I came to find out how he’s doing. How you’re both doing.”
“I don’t want to talk about it, Sam,” Steve growled as he paced, ashamed at his ungraciousness.
“Okay,” Sam sat heavily in one of the hallway’s chairs. He was still dressed in his Falcon uniform. “No talking.”
They waited in silence for several minutes until Steve broke.
“I fucked up.”
He stopped pacing, unable to look at Sam. He stared at the medbay door as if he could see through it.
“You fucked up,” Sam repeated neutrally from behind him. “So, make it right.”
“That’s just it,” Steve said to the door. “I made it worse trying to do the right thing.”
“Well, maybe try something else this time?”
Steve turned and Sam gave him a tired smile. Steve huffed out a laugh as Sam continued.
“Whatever was going on back there, whatever fucked up shit Rumlow was doing, I know that’s not what you were doing with him here. You love him, you were trying to take care of him.”
“Yeah,” Steve scoffed. “I did so well with that.”
They were silent again for a few minutes. Steve noticed the bruise shining underneath Sam’s right eye.
“Are you okay?” Steve asked, feeling unbelievably selfish for not noticing or asking sooner.
“Had worse,” Sam shrugged. “I’m pissed that Rumlow got the drop on us like that, but we turned it around.”
“I saw you did pretty well with the shield.”
“What, like that’s hard?” Sam smiled fully, a flash of gleaming teeth as he chuckled. “I brought it back for you, but maybe I should just keep it?”
“Hey, now!”
Steve was laughing when he heard the door open behind him. Sam sat up straighter in his chair and Steve whirled to find Bruce peering into the hallway. He greeted Sam before addressing Steve.
“We got it,” Bruce said with a hint of pride. “He’s resting now, but he’s lucid.”
Steve tried to pay attention as Bruce told him the basics of the procedure, nano-molecular regeneration pinpointing specific areas in the brain with minimal effect to the surrounding tissue, but what he really wanted to know was at the end of Bruce’s explanation.
“Helen and I think he’ll be okay. I mean, as okay as he’ll ever be with what he’s been through. He was speaking in complete sentences when we got him into the recovery room.”
“Can I see him?”
Apprehension flickered over Bruce’s face, telling Steve the answer before Bruce could speak it.
“He asked for no visitors. You’ll need to give him some time, Steve.”
Steve nodded, his mouth dry. He’d lost Bucky. To save him, he’d lost him.
“C’mon,” Sam was standing beside Steve. “I’m gonna go clean up and get something to eat.”
Steve thanked Bruce automatically. He followed Sam in a haze down the hallway. Away from Bucky.
“Wait,” Bruce called after him. “He, uh, wanted you to take this.”
Steve knew what it was before he turned and went back for it. Bruce handed him the ugly teddy bear with a sad smile before disappearing back into the medbay. Steve stared at the bear. He didn’t know what Bucky meant by the gesture, but the worst possible scenarios were running through his imagination.
Re: Fill: Berceuse (7/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-09-22 04:28 pm (UTC)(link)Re: Fill: Berceuse (7/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-09-22 10:04 pm (UTC)(link)Re: Fill: Berceuse (7/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-09-23 08:09 pm (UTC)(link)I, too, am picturing him holding that teddy bear for his own comfort. But maybe it's a good thing that Bucky gave it to him. Maybe it's more like a, "see? I don't need it anymore." (I know that can't possibly be the case but one can hope.)
AA, I adore you for writing this and taking it places I hadn't really imagined it would go. I really just wanted more infantilism but this is much more and I love it.
Fill: Berceuse (8/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-09-27 06:28 pm (UTC)(link)After the events of the last mission, Steve and the rest of his team were taken off active duty for a few weeks. They were required to talk with the Avengers’ psychologists over Skype.
“Don’t know how much more I can take,” Nat confided to Steve and Sam after they ran into each other in the common kitchen one morning. “How many ways are there to say ‘I’m fine, I’ve been through worse’?”
“Guess I got an advantage,” Sam said. “I know how they think. I know what they want to hear.”
“Care to share? ‘Cause I’m supposed to be good at telling people what they want to hear, this is getting embarrassing.”
Steve excused himself, but he wasn’t sure if his friends heard him over their banter. He was also chafing against his twice-a-week therapy sessions, but he didn’t want to joke about it with Sam and Nat.
He was feeling trapped at the compound. He was allowed to leave, but he didn’t want to. He had nowhere to go. He spent most of his time in the gym or in his room, pacing and trying not to look at the corner where he’d thrown Bucky’s bear. He had to drape a towel over the toy before he could go to sleep the first night. Even without eyes, he felt it staring at him. Taunting him.
He missed Bucky. He missed being able to touch Bucky and to tell him how good he was. He knew how sick that made him, after everything Rumlow had revealed.
One night, sleepless as usual, Steve removed the towel from the stuffed bear and picked it up. He regarded it suspiciously for a few minutes, holding it at arm’s length as if it might suddenly bite him. Then he buried his face in it. There was a fetid smell to the fabric, but underneath that he smelled Bucky. Bucky’s soap. Bucky’s sweat. Bucky’s tears.
He brought the bear against his chest and hugged it tightly as he lay on the bed, staring up at the dark ceiling. When he woke the next morning he was in the same position, clutching the bear like Bucky had before. He didn’t know what that meant. He kept it in his bed as the nights passed. He didn’t always hold it, but knowing it was there comforted him.
*
Two weeks after he'd left with Helen, Bucky knocked on Steve’s door.
“Hey,” Steve said stupidly, overcome with joy when he opened the door and saw who it was. “Uh, come in?”
Bucky’s face was unreadable. He brushed passed Steve into the room. Steve shut the door.
“You kept it.”
Bucky was looking at the stuffed bear on Steve’s pillow. The other Steve.
“Yeah,” Steve was embarrassed about it for the first time. “I didn’t know why you left it for me. I thought you might need it back.”
“Nah,” Bucky dismissed quickly. “I don’t need it anymore.”
He looked at Steve, standing awkwardly in front of the door. There was shame and anger in the way his jaw set and his eyes narrowed.
“Were we- ? We were together, right? Back then?”
There was shame, and anger, but there was also hope.
“Yes,” Steve tried to keep his voice steady. He wanted to cry with relief. “I loved you. I still do.”
“Good,” Bucky closed his eyes briefly. He looked relieved, too. “I wanted to make sure that was real. Not something my brain made up ‘cause I wanted it to be real.”
Bucky opened his eyes again.
“I’m sorry I put that on you. I shoulda told the doctors as soon as I felt it coming back, but- but I didn’t want to. It was so fucking humiliating.”
“But you told me.”
“Yeah,” a ghost of a smile flickered over Bucky’s face. “‘Cause you’re you.”
Steve didn’t know whether to take that as a compliment or not. He floundered for what to say. Bucky was back, and Bucky remembered what they’d been.
“So, you’re back?”
“I’m back,” Bucky confirmed. “Docs got the rest of the programming out, did a couple thorough sweeps. Still gotta talk with the shrinks if I wanna be an Avenger, but that’s not so bad.”
“No,” Steve agreed. “It’s not so bad.”
They looked at each other for a moment. The silence was uncomfortable.
“I should go get resettled,” Bucky broke the silence. “See you around.”
He started toward Steve, heading for the door.
“Buck- ”
Bucky paused. Steve wanted to tell him to wait. He wanted to ask if there was a chance for them to be what they’d been again.
“Do you want- ?”
He had visions of holding Bucky, rocking him, cooing at him while both their faces flamed. Visions of Rumlow doing the same with sneer. Visions of Rumlow rolling Bucky over on his stomach while he unzipped his fly. Visions of himself, alone in his room with his hand on his cock after he’d tucked Bucky into bed-
“Do you wanna take your bear?”
Something dark flickered over Bucky’s face.
“Told you,” he answered gruffly. “I don’t need it anymore. Get rid of it, if you want.”
Steve tried not to take that personally. It was stupid to be jealous of the toy, and it was stupider to project himself onto it. No matter what its name was. He nodded at Bucky and moved aside to let him leave. His heart lurched when the door shut behind him.
He didn’t get rid of the bear.
Re: Fill: Berceuse (8/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-09-28 02:46 am (UTC)(link)I love this. The whole situation has totally rubbed off on Steve and now he misses it. How dark and lovely.
I like how Bucky was like, we were a thing??? and then doesn't do anything about it.
I can't wait to see where you are going with this story.
(I am still holding out for them both wanting the infantilising but now on their own terms) But whatever you want to do, it'll be great. The story's been great so far, much darker than I imagined it would be.
Thanks again for writing this.
Re: Fill: Berceuse (8/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-09-29 02:31 pm (UTC)(link)I didn't want to comment before, because I didn't want to spoil anything, but I've been trying to work Steve and Bucky back to a place where they can not only talk (which is totally ooc for these idiots, but whatever) but also get to a place where they can resume an even semi-healthy relationship. I'm afraid I've rushed it a little, but hopefully it works.
And no worries. This is an infantilization story, so there will be more, mutually enjoyable, infantilization. (Still debating what exactly to do with that bear, though...)
Re: Fill: Berceuse (8/?)
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(Anonymous) 2017-09-29 01:18 pm (UTC)(link)Re: Fill: Berceuse (9/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-09-29 02:26 pm (UTC)(link)The first mission they went on after they’d been cleared for active duty had nothing to do with Hydra. There was a rogue AI unit in Berlin that had an unsettling resemblance to Ultron. Steve, Bucky, Sam, Tony, Rhodey, and Vision went out to stop it. It turned out to have nothing to do with Ultron, just a bored hacker with fantasies of world domination whose tech had gotten away from him. He surrendered himself without a fight, gaping at the six Avengers on his doorstep, and it took Vision less than a minute to deactivate the AI.
“I didn’t even get to punch anything,” Bucky grumbled to Sam on the flight back.
“Yeah, well, I didn’t get to try out my new toy,” Sam shot back, gesturing to the drone he’d named Redwing.
“It’s just fucking embarrassing,” Tony sighed dramatically. “All that firepower for one little nerd.”
“Hey, that’s a great title for your autobiography,” Bucky deadpanned while Sam and Rhodey grinned.
Steve missed Tony’s retort. He wanted to join in, but he couldn’t. The dark pit in his stomach was winning. He gave a half-smile when Bucky glanced at him.
They returned to the compound a little after 14:00. Steve had just stepped out of the shower when he heard the knock on his door. Firm but friendly.
“Just a minute!’
He threw on a pair of black sweatpants, not bothering with a shirt. He opened the door. Bucky was standing there in grey sweatpants and a white T-shirt.
“Uh, hey,” Bucky’s eyes swept Steve over. “Can I come in?”
Steve was afraid. He was afraid Bucky needed him as a substitute for Hydra again. He was afraid of how much he wanted Bucky in his arms again.
“Sure.”
He stepped back and let Bucky inside. The door closed behind him.
“You still have it.”
Steve didn’t need to ask what he was referring to, he could see where Bucky was looking. The other Steve sat on Steve’s bed, staring its eyeless stare.
“They didn’t get the programming out all the way,” Steve stated flatly, numb with dread. “You need me to, uh, hold you again?”
Bucky looked from the bed, eyes flashing with anger.
“I don’t need it, Steve,” he paused, eyes widening as if he was realizing the truth of his words for the first time. “But I- I still- ”
Steve knew what Bucky was going to say, and he didn’t know what to do about it.
“I want it,” Bucky confirmed, looking down at his bare feet. “I want it, and I want you to do it for me.”
He looked up at Steve, gauging his reaction.
“I’m sorry. I know you don’t like it. I’m not sure if I like it really, but I want it. Does that make sense?”
“So that’s what I am to you now?” Steve heard the ice in his tone. “Your- your babysitter?”
“Steve, no,” Bucky looked horrified. “That’s not- ”
“I’m the replacement,” Steve couldn’t stop. “For Hydra, for Rumlow, for that fucking bear.”
Guilt settled into the lines on Bucky’s face.
“Shit,” he said quietly. “I shouldn’t have put that on you, I know that. And it’s wrong of me to put it on you now.”
He smiled sadly.
“I’ll get outta here. And I know you’re gonna blame yourself, but this one’s on me, Steve. This isn’t your fault.”
“It’s not yours, either,” Steve said angrily, wanting Bucky to stay. “You weren’t in your right mind, and I went along with it. I didn’t tell anyone when I should have, I didn’t get you the help you needed, because I just wanted you back. That was wrong. I was wrong, and I- ”
His confession halted on the tip of his tongue. Bucky’s eyes narrowed.
“Let me take responsibility for what’s my fault. When you speak over me, when you speak for me, that makes me feel more like a goddamn child than Hydra ever did.”
“Fine, we were both wrong,” Steve snapped, wounded. “But you don’t know what I- how I- ”
He couldn’t keep it inside this time.
“I want it, too. It’s weird, and it’s humiliating, and it’s wrong, but- I like holding you. I like telling you how good you are, ‘cause you won’t listen otherwise, and I like taking care of you. Kinda like you used to take care of me, back then.”
Bucky’s eyes widened with surprised understanding.
“I like it,” Steve finished, glaring at Bucky. “I want more than that, but if that’s the only way I can have you, then so-fucking-be-it.”
“Steve- ”
“I shouldn’t like it!”
Steve cut him off. He didn’t want to accept Bucky’s mercy. He didn’t deserve it.
“Doing that to you? Wanting to do more? How am I any better than Hydra?”
“Steve,” Bucky took a step forward. “Stop.”
Steve did, chest heaving. Self-disgust writhed in his stomach.
“How am I any better?”
He was pleading now.
“Steve,” Bucky took another step forward and folded Steve into his arms. Steve didn’t resist, but he didn’t reciprocate. “You idiot.”
The metal of Bucky’s left arm hummed against Steve’s bare skin. It was oddly soothing. He breathed in Bucky’s scent.
“You’re better, because I chose you. I needed it, but I didn’t go to anyone else. I came to you, and I’m sorry. I- I was using you, knowing you would give me what I needed and not thinking about what it was doing to you.”
Steve bit back his reassurances of Bucky’s innocence. He knew Bucky didn’t want to hear them. Deep down, he knew Bucky was right. Part of his anger at himself was his unacknowledged resentment for the position Bucky had put him in.
“If you don’t want to, then I don’t want you to,” Bucky said, holding Steve against his chest. “But if that’s what you’re worried about you’re wrong.”
Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky’s lower back and buried his face in Bucky’s chest.
“I missed you so much,” he mumbled into Bucky’s shirt. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too.”
They stood there, holding each other, as Steve calmed. Bucky was rubbing small circles into Steve’s shoulder blades with his fingers. Rough flesh and smooth metal soothed Steve’s skin.
“I want more, too,” Bucky said quietly. “But I’m not sure how much I can give you.”
Steve pulled his head back to look at Bucky.
“I want us to be like we were,” Bucky continued. “Or as close as we can be, now.”
“Whatever you want, Buck. I just want you.”
It was Bucky who started the kiss. Steve closed his eyes and let Bucky take the lead as he basked in memories of back alleys and warm summer nights. Bucky guided him to the bed, sitting him down gently on the edge. They broke apart, smiling.
“Is this okay?”
Steve’s heart pounded at Bucky’s question. He told himself he didn’t have to feel guilty for this. Bucky was choosing this.
“C’mere, doll,” Steve patted his thigh with a smile. “I’m gonna take good care of you.”
Bucky made a noise of pleasure that Steve hadn’t heard him make since before the War. He scrambled into Steve’s lap and swung his legs up onto the bed so Steve could hold him. Steve didn’t try to hide his arousal this time. He could see Bucky was also hard behind his sweatpants.
“Did you ever get off on this before, with me?”
“No,” Bucky’s tone took on a measure of shame. “When that shit was in my brain it made it so I, uh, I couldn’t get it up. I didn’t even want to. It’s probably been sixty years, maybe more, since- ”
Bucky trailed off. Anger twisted Steve’s stomach.
“Then you’re long overdue,” Steve started to rock Bucky gently. “We can take care of that in a minute.”
“Mmm’kay,” Bucky relaxed in his arms, nuzzling his face against Steve’s right shoulder. “Sounds good.”
Steve fumbled behind himself for the toy. He handed it to Bucky, hating and loving it. Bucky clutched it tightly for a moment, then his eyes opened and he looked up at Steve with confusion. Steve stopped rocking him.
“What is it?”
“I don’t want it anymore,” Bucky said. He tossed the bear on the floor and wrapped his arms around Steve’s torso. “I got the real thing now.”
Steve laughed, warmth rising in his heart as he resumed his rocking motion. Bucky buried his face in Steve’s chest with another pleased noise that sent the blood surging between Steve’s legs.
“Meant to ask you about that. Should I be flattered you named that thing after me, or what?”
Bucky’s laughter was muffled.
“Hey, at that point I didn’t even remember my own name. Just be glad I remembered your actual name and didn’t call it ‘stupid little punk who’s gonna get himself killed.’”
Bucky was finding the humor, but Steve didn’t know if he should laugh or not.
“That doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue,” he offered. Bucky laughed again and Steve chuckled half-heartedly.
"I lied," Bucky said a moment later. "I do like this."
"Good," Steve said fiercely, meaning it. "You deserve it."
Steve rocked Bucky for almost an hour, whispering praise into Bucky’s ear. How good Bucky was, how much Steve loved him. Things he’d whispered before, but there was no shame for Steve now. By the end Bucky was a writhing mess of pleasure in his arms, keening softly into Steve and holding him as tightly as he’d ever held the other Steve.
Re: Fill: Berceuse (9/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-09-30 12:01 am (UTC)(link)Re: Fill: Berceuse (9/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-09-30 05:17 pm (UTC)(link)This is your story, all I did was prompt it. But I absolutely love where you have taken it! Don’t let me influence you, I want to see what you have planned.
But I love this! They finally worked out what was going on between them.
I really love the juxtaposition between Bucky at the end of Steve rocking him and Bucky at the end of Rumlow rocking him. Like Bucky in this safe, warm happy place with Steve vs. Bucky crying on the floor when Rumlow was going to assault him.
And I like Steve’s little breakdown over how he shouldn’t like it but he does. Oh, my poor sweet boy. At least now they can mutually enjoy this fucked up little gift from HYDRA.
I can’t wait to see where you take it next!
Re: Fill: Berceuse (9/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-10-02 12:30 am (UTC)(link)Fill: Berceuse (10/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-10-05 02:59 pm (UTC)(link)“Mmm, yeah,” Bucky said, relaxed and content. “I’m good.”
Steve automatically began to maneuver Bucky up the bed to tuck him in, a feat made more difficult with Bucky’s arms squeezing underneath his armpits. Then Steve remembered they were in his bed, not Bucky’s.
“You, uh, wanna stay the night?”
“Yeah,” Bucky answered, sounding surprised that Steve needed to ask. “If that’s okay?”
Steve swallowed the lump in his throat.
“Course it’s okay.”
Once he’d gotten Bucky under the blankets, Steve hesitated. He didn’t want to assume, and he didn’t know how to ask. He was still unbearably hard, and he resisted the urge to adjust himself.
“C’mere.”
Bucky solved his dilemma. He pulled Steve down on top of him, kissing him as he struggled to bring the blankets over both of them. When that was accomplished, his right hand found its way down the front of Steve’s sweatpants. Steve pulled his mouth from Bucky’s with a moan of longing.
“You sure?”
“Yeah,” there was a hint of annoyance in Bucky’s voice. “Not promising you any more than that time behind the school after I’d just turned seventeen, but- ”
Steve remembered. Their first time, hurriedly jerking each other off after school. Roaming hands and kissing in the tall bushes. Gasping for breath, and angrily dismissing Bucky’s concerns because all he wanted was more-
Bucky was stroking him again. Steve had just enough blood left in his brain to remember to reciprocate. He palmed Bucky through his sweatpants, and Bucky closed his eyes with a blissful sigh. Steve brought his hand down the front of Bucky’s sweatpants and pulled him out through the fly of his boxers into the air. He grappled behind him for the lotion on his bedside table and poured a generous amount into Bucky’s hand before doing the same for himself. Both men rolled on their sides, facing each other, slipping their sweatpants down around their thighs.
It had been so long since anyone had touched Steve like this. Steve and Bucky rocked back and forth, gasping, moaning, as they slid their fists up and down the other’s sensitive flesh. Steve came first, his body sparking with the pleasure emanating from between his legs. As he shuddered and groaned, Bucky held him closer, whispering in his ear as he pumped out the last of Steve’s essence.
“You’re good, too, Stevie. Don’t you ever forget how good you are.”
He was rocking Steve slightly, and Steve let the pleasure overwhelm him. When he could think again, when he could move again, he finished Bucky off with his slick fist and reveled in Bucky’s noises when he went over the edge. Bucky grunted, high, nearly surprised, and Steve felt Bucky’s release coat his hand.
“Fuck,” Bucky rolled over on his back, panting. “Fuck.”
Steve laughed and rolled on top of Bucky, kissing him, letting their sweat and semen mingle over their flushed bodies. They showered together after they’d regained their faculties, and Steve changed the sheets in his bed while teasing Bucky about how long it was taking for him to dry his hair. Bucky got on the right side of the newly made bed, muttering about how Steve was just jealous that he couldn’t pull off the look, and Steve went to turn off the lights. He paused, looking at the discarded toy on the floor at the foot of the bed.
“What is it?”
Bucky sat up as Steve picked up the other Steve. It wasn’t so hateful, Steve thought. It seemed sad.
“Don’t judge me,” Steve said as Bucky raised an eyebrow. “Steve’s kinda grown on me.”
Bucky’s eyebrow went higher. Steve turned the lights off and joined him in the bed, placing the bear beside him on the left side where it wasn’t touching Bucky.
“They gave it to me to control me,” Bucky said after a long pause. “But it was the only soft thing I’ve had in my life, since- ”
Steve’s heart lurched. Slowly, he put the bear between them, underneath the blankets. He heard Bucky sigh, half-content, half-ashamed.
“I don’t need it like I used to. But- but I- ”
“I want it here, too.”
Steve finished for him as he rolled over to spoon Bucky from behind, pressing the bear between them.
Re: Fill: Berceuse (10/?)
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(Anonymous) 2017-09-21 02:31 am (UTC)(link)It’s so great to have the backstory to Bucky’s problem - to make him come back to HYDRA. And we finally got to see what happens if Bucky doesn’t get comforted after a mission. I had never considered there was a consequence. I love it.
And Rumlow. Ugh. Rumlow is here being his awful self. Of course he sexually abused Bucky, of course he did. And of course it never occurred to Steve. Sometimes, I think Steve is so kindhearted and good natured that he cannot even fathom the depth of other people’s cruelty.
The bear’s name! That must’ve killed Steve.
Also, this line, “It was for the hateful stuffed animal that was the only thing Bucky was capable of loving anymore. Hydra had made sure of it.”
Ouch my heart.
Bucky crying is such wonderful heartache too. You just want to comfort him. He didn’t deserve any of this.
Re: Fill: Berceuse (4/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-10-04 04:30 am (UTC)(link)Re: Fill: Berceuse (4/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-10-04 04:57 pm (UTC)(link)...;A; I didn't notice this while reading and now my heart is hurting ;A;
Re: Fill: Berceuse (4/?)
(Anonymous) 2017-10-06 03:08 pm (UTC)(link)