hydratrashmeme | Dumpster #4: I Don't See How That's a Party

Dumpster #4: I Don't See How That's a Party

Okay, kids, you know the drill. Don't be a jerk except to fictional characters. Warn if you want, but read at your own risk, because

hydratrashmeme is about as far from a safe space as you can get. Garbage we like: noncon, whump, aftermath, violence, mind control, inappropriate uses of Bucky Barnes' metal arm, bad guys doing dirtybadwrong things to your faves. Garbage you should find a different trashcan for: a/b/o, D/s-verse, soulbonds, mundane AUs, OOC evil!good guys doing dirtybadwrong things to your faves, rotting leftovers dressed up as a romantic gourmet meal. Nothing wrong with 'em, but this isn't the crowd you should be pitching to if you're trying to sell Brock Rumlow as anything but a human dumpster fire.

Link your fills on the fill post, post unprompted fills as replies to a header comment so the wall o' text is collapsible, and let me know if you're interested in helping out with the Pinboard archive.

[Rules in full] [Round 1] [Round 2] [Round 3] [Fill post] [Chatter post] [hydratrashmeme Pinboard archive (maintained by

greenkirtle)] [Round 4 in flat view (comments in non-threaded chronological order, most recent last)]

All prompts or fills that contain Infinity War spoilers must go on the Infinity War spoiler post until May 26th. Spoilers in the main dumpsters will be deleted.

Round 4 is closed; comments and fills in existing threads are still welcome, but all new prompts go to Round 5.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

My brave snarky bbs.

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<torn [...] first.>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

My brave snarky bbs. <Torn between wanting to hug them and wanting to wump them some more first.> Great update.

Glad to hear you'll be posting this on AO3. Totally up to you of course, but if you'd consider posting as a wip it'd be really convenient to get to subscribe.

I kinda sad for the monster. I mean, form what you wrote it likes it's mates and doesn't really want harm them.

Imagine it grooming it's last "victim" lovingly after sex and noticing the victim doesn't move anymore...aww... poor monster.

I have been to long on this kink meme.

OP here

The monster may be raping people to death, but it doesn't mean to! It just doesn't know better. It's a bad situation all around.

OP here

It's quite a lovely picture. Some people do say violence is just another form of sex, so why not cut back on the metaphors and head straight to sex?

There will be both more whump and hugs, so at least you won't have to decide? :D

I am going to hold off on posting until it's done, sorry. :/ I want a chance to make final edits before archiving (I'm posted raw unbetaed draft here, bc I'm like that, always have been >.>) and this is pretty much all one long scene of fuck so it's gonna be a long one-shot and not a chapter fic. Or maybe like one long chapter and a shorter three-days-later chapter idk. (Maybe by then the babies-who-don't-understand-AO3-tags wank will have died down too, but that's not the primary factor, really I just like going over stuff more before smacking it on the archive.)

Yeah, give me HYDRA rewarding their Soldiers after another good day at the office with a young, naive, pre-military Zemo to beat, fuck and torture as they please.

And that's why Zemo really grasped the opportunity, years later, to put a bullet in each of their heads while they're still in cryo.

+ The only reason Zemo survives is TWS being extremely careful when it's his 'turn', shielding Zemo from the others, and pretending he doesn't like to share.
++ The entire situation giving TWS flashbacks to skinny!Steve as pre-military Zemo has less muscle mass than a freshly baked twiglet.

(((op))) OHHHHH WOW THIS IS A LOT. A LOT. I'm dying over how brave and resilient they're both being (keeping each other grounded! focusing on each other!!! just kill me), and dying over how quickly that resilience may very well be snuffed out at any moment. BOYS. The last line has me so worried and so giddy. Also, dying over Sam trying to block out the horror of the situation and think thoughts of Bucky/Steve doing Certain Activities.

UM, ALSO

Bucky’s looking at him like he’s a lifeline, turned-up eyes artificially widened and pleading in the way people get with a mouth full of dick, and this really would normally be a nice way to shut the little shit up. Sam wants to brush the hair out of his face and watch his walls come down and his expressions open up the good way, the safe way. Sam wants to wreck him, slow and inexorable and consensual-thank-you-very-much, until he’s a panting mess, see if he still talks back, see if he begs

*closes eyes, covers mouth, tries not to scream*

(op) UMM this is WONDERFUL and I will be VERY EAGERLY tracking it!

(op) Omg, I don't know how I missed this before but it's ridiculously, chillingly good so far and absolutely horribly delightful!!

I'm thinking I want a new twist on something classic

How about hydra throws a trash party to celebrate recapturing Bucky, only they use those masks from the CA:WS to look and sound like the Avengers. So you have all the usual rapey trash with the added surreality of it (almost) being the Avengers.

+Really awful impersonations - really cheesy, patriotic Cap, drunk and randy Tony Stark, the guy doing Thor forgets to speak like him half the time, the guy stuck doing Hawkeye complains that he's boring and mentions archery every other sentence to "stay in character", the guy with the biggest build is elected to play the Hulk, everyone laughs at him, so he frequently gets mad and breaks character
+They bring props to use on Bucky ex. american flag nipple clamps, an iron man vibrator, a bow they find creative uses for
+Two people come dressed as the same Avenger so one of them has to change
+An argument about whether it's racist and/or blackface to wear a Falcon mask, they don't care if it is, just about the argument
+Bucky obviously knows it isn't real, but he can't tell who is beneath the mask so he gets trapped into thinking of them as whoever they are impersonating

Ooh, right in the feels.

ok, but imagine this: high-tech facemasks + awful store bought costumes and body paint

Thor's cape is made of some really cheap material and gets ripped

The Iron Man suit is made of plastic

Cap's shield is cardboard

The Hulk's body paint gets smeared all over Bucky and whoever else comes in contact with him

After years of torture, rape, and abuse, Bucky develops a deep need to be physically restrained on a regular basis.

It's primarily a self-soothing coping mechanism. When he's feeling worked up or upset, it’s the one sure way to calm himself down. I’ll leave the psychology and history behind this relatively open, but I’m imagining it has to do with needing to feel grounded and secure - perhaps even implicitly seeing himself as a potential threat that needs to be contained. If he goes too long without it, he starts to feel untethered and unsafe.

For a while, he tries to take care of it himself (maybe in subtle, hidden ways like wearing a harness under his clothes or buttoning the too-tight top button on his shirts in public; maybe by elaborate and/or botched attempts at self-bondage) but it soon becomes clear - to his shame and horror - that he needs someone else’s assistance; he needs the real thing. It’s just not as good when he does it himself. It’s been a painfully long time since he’s been properly, thoroughly restrained, and he’s getting panicked with how badly he needs it.

And (arguably) worst of all, his situation extends to sex: he can't get off without being in relatively intense bondage. Fantasizing doesn’t work. Self-bondage almost works, but not quite; his body knows it’s not the real thing. He might go to a stranger/professional for temporary satisfaction, but that’s no good in the long term.

The main way I see this playing out is that Bucky has been desperately trying to hide this from his partner (Sam and/or Steve) and finally has to come clean about it. Either through accidental discovery or him just choosing to tell them. Up to you how said partner(s) react(s) (Do they try to get him off other ways, to no avail? Are they skeptic/concerned? Do they dive in headfirst, trying to teach themselves everything they can about a particular type of bondage, or going out of their way to acquire heavy-duty equipment? Are they supportive and want to help but an inexperienced/awkward top?) Together they try, through trial and error, to work it out.

+ All the guilt and shame and doubt on Bucky’s part after the truth comes out, maybe even Bucky trying to go back on his confession
+ Bucky going too long without being restrained and having flashbacks to times when he was
+ Having sex with Steve/Sam and freaking out afterwards when they try to untie him
+ All of this is, at times, not altogether super healthy, and sometimes leaves him dissociated and dazed
+ Other forms of containment (like cages/small spaces, sensory deprivation) are fair game and thoroughly welcomed here
++++ Muzzles (PLEASE) and collars

Btw bottom line: full emphasis on the fact that this is very explicitly the product of abuse/rape. There are certainly aspects of consensual kink here, but it’s way deeper and more complicated than that. It’s not even always necessarily, like, fun for Bucky and Steve/Sam. They find ways to make it enjoyable and satisfying and Good, but bottom line is that it’s a harsh, traumatic reality they’re trying to work through and make the best of.

Yes, YES

THAT_IS_MY_FETISH.JPG

Poor boy needs a ThunderShirt! I'd love this, might see if I can fill it.

(A/N) Finally finished! I want to thank everyone who left a comment on this. I didn't respond to them all, but I definitely read them all (several times), and they were so gratifying and motivating! Thank you! I hope you all like this ending (and I hope you leave comments to let me know). :D
____

“Stop.”

It’s barely audible, but Steve stops immediately, popping Bucky’s ring finger out of his mouth and clambering to his feet with remarkable grace and speed. He puts his hand on Bucky’s right shoulder, and Bucky resists the urge to shrug him off. His hand is wet from Steve’s mouth, and Bucky wonders if it would offend Steve if he wiped it off.

“You okay?”

“No,” Bucky snipes, awkwardly wiping his fingers on his thigh. “What the fuck are you doing, Steve?”

Steve gives him a little half-smile. The beautiful fucker looks downright bashful, and it’s adorable, and Bucky is not going to fall for it.

“I don’t know, showing you how much I love you?”

Goddamn everything, Bucky’s not going to fall for it.

“Well, it’s weird, quit it.”

“Okay,” Steve sighs. “If that’s what you want. But I still have your left arm to go.”

Bucky brings the prosthetic up against his chest protectively, dislodging Steve’s hand from his shoulder.

“Why?”

“Because I love you. All of you.”

Fuck. No.

“It’s not me, though. Not really.”

“Is that what you think about it? If you don’t like it, you can ask Tony and Helen to make you a new one.”

Bucky thinks about it. He has a love-hate relationship with the arm. It’s an amazing piece of technology, but Tony and Dr. Cho could probably make him something even more amazing. Just look at Sam’s new wings. Or Vision’s entire body.

But, the arm’s a part of him now. He thinks of it as his as much as his remaining flesh-and-blood arm. It’s been with him through years of horror, and it weathered them all alongside him. Not to mention the star. He feels guilty for how comforting he sometimes finds that star, and it would be awkward to ask Tony or Dr. Cho to repaint the Communist symbol on something new they’d made for him.

“No, that’s okay. It’s fine. It’s mine.”

It is mine. Fuck you, HYDRA, but thanks for the souvenir.

“Yeah?”

Steve’s eyes are so dark with lust, Bucky can barely see the blue, and his cock is straining towards his firm abdomen. All of that, just from sucking on his fingers and talking about his prosthetic arm. Steve reaches out his hand toward the arm, leaves it hovering a few inches from making contact with the metal. There’s a silent question in his eyes. Bucky restrains himself from rolling his own eyes in response.

Oh, fine.

Steve is weird. So very weird, and Bucky adores him. He nods, sighs, and puts his left hand in Steve’s outstretched right. Steve grins at him, and starts laving the silver fingers with his tongue. Bucky can’t feel the sensations like he can on his skin, but the affection is so foreign he finds it intriguing as he tries to stay still so as not to pinch Steve’s mouth with any shifting metal plates. Steve remains standing this time, stretching Bucky’s arm up to his mouth to lick each finger, suck each gleaming knuckle, and kiss his way up to the shoulder. He pays extra attention to the star when he reaches it, tracing the red outline with his tongue, kissing the center before he moves further up to where metal melds to flesh in a hideous filigree of burn-like scars. Bucky twitches when Steve starts kissing the scars, his hands balling into fists. Steve raises his lust-blown eyes to him, looking downright obscene with his lips all wet and swollen. So obscene that Bucky quickly glances at the door, even though he knows it’s been closed the entire time.

“Do you want me to stop?”

Yes!

No.

He’s immobilized by the war in his head.

“You’re beautiful, Buck, and I love you,” Steve continues when it becomes clear that Bucky isn’t going to say anything. “All of you.”

Bucky reminds himself that this is for Steve. Maybe a little for himself, too, he admits. It’s nice to hear the words, even if he doesn’t fully believe them. He knows Steve believes them, and that’s enough.

“No, don’t stop,” Bucky rumbles out. “I’ll tell you if- when- I want you to.”

“Good. Here, you should sit down.”

Bucky lets Steve guide him backwards to sit on the bed. He perches on the edge, unfamiliar with feeling the soft comforter against his bare skin. He only sits naked on the toilet now. Panic rises in his chest, but then Steve’s sitting next to him, on his left side, his right thigh pressing against Bucky’s. Steve’s right arm goes over Bucky’s shoulders, rubbing up and down the right shoulder blade while he brings his lips back to the shit-show top of the left. He kisses and sucks, alternating between metal and skin, and Bucky’s breathing slows. If this idiot wants to love him, touch him, pretend he’s not disgusted by this hateful body, well, it’s Steve’s loss and Bucky’s gain. His selfish, selfish gain-

“Steve.”

The tone of Bucky’s voice says stop, and Steve does.

“Bucky?”

“You don’t have to do this.”

Bucky feels like he’s sabotaging himself, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t want Steve to feel obligated to pretend. Bucky doesn’t deserve that.

“I want to,” Steve’s got that stubborn glint in his eyes. “Tell me ‘no,’ and I won’t. But I want to do this.”

Bucky catches a glimpse of that skinny little boy from Brooklyn, in oversized clothes and shoes stuffed with newspapers to keep them from falling off his small feet. That skinny little boy yelling out some impassioned speech about the right thing, throwing wild, ineffectual punches at some bully in a back alley while Bucky sprints to his rescue, simultaneously infuriated and enamored by Steve’s passion-

He feels something, deep in his gut, and it almost feels like how he remembers arousal. It’s gone quickly, overshadowed by his fear of it.

“Fine,” Bucky gives in. “But you’re an idiot.”

“And you’re a jerk,” Steve kisses him full on the lips with a loud smack. “A stupid, fucking jerk. And I love you.”

“Which is why you’re an idiot.”

Bucky tries to make it a joke, but Steve’s eyes cloud. He kisses Bucky again, slower, and Bucky closes his eyes and tries out another moan. It doesn’t have the desired effect, however, as Steve pulls away and glares at him.

“Cut that out, Buck.”

“What?”

“The fake noises. I let you get away with them before, ‘cause I wasn’t sure exactly why you thought you had to fake them with me, but now I know. I don’t want that.”

Bucky’s annoyed. With Steve, and his self-righteous certainty, but mostly with himself for thinking he was fooling Steve.

“And what if I do?”

Steve’s eyes narrow further.

“Do you?”

Bucky gives up. He never could fight Steve.

“No.”

“Then stop. Please. I don’t ever want you to fake anything with me again. I want to make you feel good for real.”

Bucky smiles forlornly, gesturing down at the emptiness between his legs.

“And if I can’t?”

“Then I’ll keep trying, until you can.”

Idiot.

Bucky’s not sure at which of them the thought is directed. Probably both of them. A pair of idiots, always. They deserve each other.

“Fine. No promises, though, Steve. Pretty sure I haven’t- felt good since 1944.”

Steve looks at him with a mixture of sadness and defiance. It feels too much like pity, and Bucky looks away before he says something regretful.

“Then this is long overdue,” Steve says in his ear. “Someone as gorgeous as you should be beating off admirers with a stick.”

It’s an inopportune time, and Bucky doesn’t mean to, but he remembers something. It would have been in the late 1950’s, after he’d been sent to kill a Chinese diplomat in Hungary. “Look at its gorgeous lips,” one of the backup HYDRA mercenaries had said to him, stroking his lips with the pad of his rough thumb. “Can’t wait to have ‘em wrapped around my cock.” He, and his entire squad, had eventually made good on that desire.

“No.”

“Bucky?”

He takes pleasure- desire- from others. He doesn’t have it taken from him. He can’t, he can’t, because if he does he’ll be broken completely and HYDRA will have won. If he feels this, if he gets off, HYDRA wins-

“Buck? You still with me?”

For the first time Bucky understands with disturbing clarity just how fucked-up his reasoning is, and he’s angry. Not at himself, like he usually is, and not at Steve, but at HYDRA. At Zola, at Karpov, and at Pierce. At every doctor, every scientist, every operative, from the bottom to the top. At everyone who ever laid a finger on him, in any capacity, and at any HYDRA sympathizer who never even saw the famous Winter Soldier. His entire body vibrates with his rage, and he realizes that he wants this. He wants it, if only because HYDRA didn’t want him to have it.

“Yes,” he whispers. “I- I- ”

But he can’t continue.

“Bucky?”

Thank God for Steve. Sitting strong and solid against him. Captain-goddamn-America, always at his back.

“I- I want it.”

“What?”

Bucky knows Steve heard him, but the smug bastard makes him repeat himself with more confidence. As soon as he says the words again, Steve is kissing him, wild, and Bucky matches him. He doesn’t feel it, but he wants to feel it, and that’s just as motivating. He clutches at Steve’s broad shoulders while Steve clutches at his, and he lets Steve push him supine on the bed, squirming his way up to the pillow with Steve on top of him so their legs aren’t hanging off the end. Steve’s lips leave Bucky’s, and Bucky growls and tries to chase them, but Steve’s already making his way down Bucky’s body. He kisses his Adam’s apple and clavicle again, then he kisses down to his enlarged nipples, paying special attention to them, flicking them with his tongue and biting at them softly.

Bucky resists the feeling at first, knowing that his nipples are so sensitive only because he’s had his balls cut off, but then he lets the bitterness go. It feels nice. No, better than nice. It feels amazing, and he lets the feeling wash over him, ebbing and flowing, sparking what he can now acknowledge as lust in his abdomen and in the unquenchable muscle memory in his disfigured groin. He bites back a moan, because he doesn’t feel it, but he lets out a contented little sigh because he does, and he feels Steve’s cock spasm in response, more than it ever had when Bucky had been faking.

“Yeah,” Steve whispers, his mouth popping off Bucky’s left pec. “You like that?”

“What do you think, asshole?” Bucky growls. “Fuck, yes!”

Steve smirks and gets back to it. He spends several minutes on Bucky’s chest, Bucky eventually relaxing completely into the sensations, closing his eyes and thrusting his hips pointlessly against Steve’s belly. When he’s been reduced to a continuous writhing mess underneath Steve, Steve resumes his progression down Bucky’s body. He licks Bucky’s abs, bites at the softer skin of his stomach, and presses kisses into his hipbones. It’s only when he gets farther down, to the unblemished space where Bucky’s cock and balls should be, that Bucky’s fear and self-loathing overwhelms him again.

“Stop,” Bucky hates how weak his voice sounds as he props himself up on his elbows, shame coloring his face despite his best efforts. “Not there. Not yet.”

Steve stops, looks up Bucky’s body with wistful understanding.

“Okay, Buck,” he concedes. “Not yet.”

Not yet.

(Last part)!
_____

Steve crawls over Bucky, back up to the head of the bed. He curls over Bucky’s right side, pushing Bucky on his back and tucking his chin into the crook of Bucky’s neck.

“I love you so much, you know that?”

“Yeah,” Bucky chuckles weakly. “I’m getting that.”

Steve’s cock is hard against his thigh, and Bucky gently presses his leg against it. Steve ruts instinctively with a grunt of longing.

“Here,” Bucky reaches his right hand down, encircles Steve’s length. “Let me help you with this.”

Steve groans, thrusts once into Bucky’s hand, then stops himself.

“No.”

“No?”

Bucky lets go, confused. Afraid.

“This isn’t about me,” Steve explains, panting with lust but resolute. “This is about you. You’ve already given me so much. I’m six months behind, gotta make it up to you.”

“It’s not a competition, Steve.”

“Oh, it isn’t?”

Bucky rolls his eyes, but he returns Steve’s grin.

“Excuse me, forgot who I was talking to.”

“Damn right. Now- ”

Steve lets his eyes drift from Bucky’s, down to his crotch, and Bucky’s fear returns once more.

“Now?”

“How do you want to do this?”

Bucky tries not to let the fear consume him. He tries so hard. He reminds himself how much Steve wants this, the stubborn bastard. Steve will love coming in Bucky’s ass.

“Uh, I got the lube in the drawer,” Bucky gestures with his head to his right, at his bedside table. “You know, for when we- ”

He lifts his left arm, wiggles the metal fingers while smirking at Steve.

“So,” Steve returns the smile. “My fingers in you this time?”

“Oh,” Bucky tries to swallow his fear. “But I thought- ”

He lets his eyes drift down to Steve’s cock, then back.

“Is that what you want?”

Bucky thinks. He thinks about all the people who’ve had their cocks inside him. He thinks about how much he wants Steve to eclipse all of them, but he also thinks about how devastated he’ll be if Steve can’t. God, he’s selfish. He knows how much Steve will love fucking him, but he won’t let him.

“No.”

But it’s Steve’s fault. He doesn’t want Bucky to pretend, even though Bucky’s more than willing to.

“So?”

Steve mimics the finger wiggle back at Bucky.

“Sure, I guess.”

No one at HYDRA had ever put their fingers inside him. No one at HYDRA had ever cared whether he got off or not, and the part of the Winter Soldier that had remained Bucky, no matter how much they’d tried to wipe him out, had clung to that. But he doesn’t need to cling to it anymore. HYDRA’s power is gone, its remnants on the run, and the only person Bucky’s hurting now is himself. Himself, and Steve.

“You guess?”

“Yes,” Bucky twists his head to look at Steve directly. Obstinately. “Do it, Rogers.”

“That’s more like it.”

Steve gets off the bed, letting Bucky sit up against the headboard as he pulls out the drawer in the bedside table and retrieves the lube. He and Bucky switch positions, Steve’s back against the headboard and Bucky straddling him. He hates the shame he feels as Steve’s hard cock presses against his emptiness, but then it’s obliterated by Steve’s slick fingers snaking behind him and finding his hole. He remembers other blunt, slick objects being pressed into him-

But, no, this is different. Totally different. He needs to stop thinking about this as Steve taking from him, like HYDRA, and more like Steve giving something to him. Steve’s giving this to him, and he’s giving this to Steve-

He gasps as Steve’s right index finger easily slips inside him.

“You like that, Buck?”

Bucky murmurs his assent. It’s not arousal, not the way he used to feel it, so long ago, but it feels good, and that may have to be enough. Steve adds his middle finger, twisting both inside Bucky, searching for that spot that always makes Steve come undone in Bucky’s arms. For a few minutes, Bucky’s terrified that Steve won’t find it. Maybe it’s not even there anymore. Maybe it’s withered from seventy years without his balls, or maybe HYDRA removed it, too, and didn’t tell him.

He’s terrified that Steve won’t find it, but he’s also terrified that Steve will.

When Steve does find the gland, Bucky jolts up in surprise, nearly dislodging Steve’s fingers. He desperately wants to grind the space where his nonexistent cock should be against something, and that’s frustrating, but it feels so incredible he can’t focus on the loss. For the first time in more than seventy years, he wants to come, and he’s not sure how that will work, but he can feel the need, so it has to work. It has to.

“Oh!”

He lets out an involuntary groan, and he feels Steve’s cock surge between his legs. Steve’s ring finger joins his other two inside Bucky, all of them twisting against his prostate, and Bucky throws his head back and wails.

“Steve! Oh, Steve, fuck!”

His pleasure crests, sending him over the edge. He can’t remember what it was like before, but this is the best he’s felt in years, and it billows from between his legs despite his lack. Something warm and wet drips from the opening HYDRA gave him to pee in lieu of a cock, and he pants it out, pounding himself on Steve’s fingers until he starts to feel sore.

“Bucky. God, Buck, it’s okay. It’s okay.”

Steve removes his fingers, encircling Bucky’s shoulders with both arms as Bucky collapses against him. Bucky’s suddenly aware that he’s crying, and he doesn’t know when he’d started. Those schoolgirl tears he’d been holding back, finally betraying him, but he’s too tired, too content, to really give a damn. He came. He fucking came.

Take that, HYDRA.

Oh, and fuck you.

He buries his face in Steve’s shoulder and sobs. Steve holds him, strong and steady as Bucky shakes in his arms, coming down from his orgasm, processing it through his tears.

“I want it, Steve,” he confesses, gulping. “I want all of it.”

“Good,” Steve says in his ear, deep, like tires on gravel. “I want to give all of it to you. Every good thing, Buck. Everything you want. Everything you deserve.”

Bucky’s tears are drying, his emotions stabilizing. He bites back his habitual responses. He wants what Steve’s offering. He wants to believe he deserves it.

“You sure you don’t want me to- ?”

Bucky reaches down to Steve’s softening cock, stroking it.

“Not now.”

“But- ”

“No, Buck.”

Bucky lets go of Steve’s cock. He wants to give Steve pleasure, but he’ll respect Steve’s wishes. They have so much time together, here in the future. So much time to love and pleasure each other, despite everything that’s happened to them. They’re soldiers, survivors. They’ll endure. They’ll thrive.

“You know how long I’ve wanted to do that?” Steve admits quietly. “Too long. Too fucking long. Thank you.”

“You’re thanking me for getting me off? Really?”

“I love you,” Steve murmurs as if he hasn’t heard Bucky. “I love you so much.”

“Yeah, I love you, too,” Bucky sighs peacefully against Steve’s shoulder. “You idiot.”

“So, you ready to start sharing a room?”

Steve’s still pretending not to hear Bucky’s snide remarks.

“Maybe,” Bucky concedes, lifting his head to look at Steve. “But only if you let us keep the TV.”

Steve laughs. It's beautiful.

“You drive a hard bargain, Barnes. But, fine. I accept.”

“Good, Rogers.”

They look at each other for a second, then they laugh. They laugh far longer than their ridiculous repartee merits. They laugh and laugh, and Bucky imagines years of pain and horror disintegrating with the sound. He’s not a thing. He’s not. He’s a human being. He’s a man, even without his cock and balls. That’s not what makes a man, and he’s always known that, but right at this moment he believes it.

Next time, he wants to let Steve try and fuck him. Make love to him, whatever. He wants Steve to replace every awful memory of HYDRA using him. He wants Steve to love him, make him come, over and over again, until HYDRA is a barely memorable occurrence of his past. He wants to return the favor, make Steve groan and writhe in ways he’d never cared that the HYDRA operatives did.

He wants this. He wants this so badly.

Bucky kisses Steve. He instigates the kiss for the first time, grasping at the back of Steve’s head as Steve grasps at his. He loves this man. He loves him so fucking much.

And he wants Steve to love him back. He wants that more than anything.

End

"I keep thinking about London." It takes him two jars of peanut butter before he can say anything, and the first words out of his mouth is about a city half the world away. Steve's gonna think he's crazy. "During the war, I mean."

Steve hummed and kept his arms wrapped around Bucky, skin touching skin. The first thing he did was usher Bucky into a shower and gently rinse off the blood on his belly and some of the leftover bandage cruft on his neck. Then he sat Bucky down on the bed, handed him a spoon and a jar of peanut butter, and set himself to completely envelope Bucky in blankets and himself.

Normally Bucky'd prickle at all this coddling, but right now he's too drained to protest. He wants to talk, but after 2 months of his voice not being in his control, it feels like driving someone else's car: the gear shift's in the wrong place and the brakes feel too sticky. So instead he just wedges himself deeper into the safety of Steve's arms and makes an impatient sound.

Steve gets the hint and starts talking. "London, huh? Y'know, that bar where you asked me to keep the uniform..."

"You mean the bar where Peggy asked you to dance..." Words unlock and slip out, nice and easy -- he's been ribbing Steve for as long as he can remember.

"Yes, that, too. Well, I went there, after you..." Steve pauses, because, being Steve, he still feels bad about not going back for him. Bucky just waits, and sure enough, being Steve, he soldiers on. "After I thought you died, I went back there, hoping maybe seeing the place would bring back good memories. A bomb had been dropped on it. Everything was gone."

"Yeah," Bucky says, wondering if Steve knew how close he hit the mark when he started talking about the bar, or whether it was just chance. "That's exactly it. You know that vibe in London, where everyone's trying extra hard to enjoy life, staying up late dancing despite having worked a double shift at the munitions factory..."

Steve nods. "They didn't know if any of that's gonna turn into rubble the next day." His eyes look sad as he pulls Bucky close. "That you?"

"Yup, that's me." So damn afraid that another bit of my body's gonna get taken away tomorrow that I stay up dancing all night. Lindy, jive, jitterbug. Carpe fucking diem. As if by focusing on his steps he can ignore the Nazi bombing outside.

And then it turns out that the Nazis weren't just out there, there's one in him, too.

He's so fucking tired of fighting Nazis. Maybe he should just stop -- let the tiny HYDRA agent inside him have a field day. His body hasn't been his for a long time, and now HYDRA decided to reshape it into some freakish vessel for some other, more perfect human. It's not like *it* would be born with webbed toes and an extra hole.

Steve's voice cuts through his self-pity fest. "I thought of it like squatting in a back tenement."

What?

"Any day the landlord might come and kick me out, so can't ever settle in too much and take it for granted. In case the pneumonia got especially bad this year and the landlord comes early." Steve adds, unnecessarily, "Back when I was small, I mean."

Oh. That why Steve refused to stay home unless his fever hit 104?

"Not the healthiest way to live, thinking that my body was gonna give out on me at any moment. Made it easy to give it up to the US government, though." Steve's voice is doing that thing where he's trying to play it off like no big deal but it's clearly been haunting him for a while. Well, fuck that -- if Bucky doesn't get to wallow in self-pity, then neither does Steve.

"Shit, Steve, that's a dumb reason to sign up to be a science experiment. What if you ended up dying? You'da been shortchanging Uncle Sam!"

"Well, Uncle Sam was shortchanging me with all those war bonds, so I figured it'd even out."

And now Bucky's laughing and it feels good this time. He thinks about Steve in that ridiculous outfit, hamming it up on those stupid posters. "Well, Uncle Sam definitely got a good return for their investment, given how many war bonds you ended up selling."

"Yeah." Steve laughs, but then quiets, and looks at his hands. "I hated it, but it was what *they* wanted, so I just went along with it. It wasn't until Peggy came along that I realized I didn't have to be government property."

And for once Bucky leans back and looks at Steve's body the way those DC big wigs must have seen it: as a perfect weapon to deploy -- if not in the field, then on the home front. Like him. No, not like me, said a small voice. Steve's perfect, Erskine got it right in one go. They kept changing Bucky's body -- it was never good enough for them. Always planning, measuring, and slicing him open to see what they can add. At this point, he's lost track of how much is still *him.* Maybe none of it.

"... okay, Buck, it's okay." Steve's hands rubbing his shoulder. Oh. He's shaking.

"Most of the time I would wake up with bits missing or bits added, and wouldn't even know I was ever any different." It wasn't until he started remembering that the horror of it sunk in. "I'd just accept it and move on." He thought the shaking'd stop after he talks about it, but it's only gotten worse.

Steve runs his hands up and down his body, warm and firm.

It doesn't help.

He chokes out, "I want to stop being theirs. But I don't remember how."

"Hey Buck... lemme try something?" Steve's voice is soft as he moves his right hand further down. To the opening of Bucky's vagina.

Bucky nods, and Steve gently slips his finger in.

He stops shaking.

Steve's right in that Bucky doesn't feel much sensation, but it feels good in another way. With Steve's finger there, he can tell himself: This is for Steve, not for them. Steve is touching a part of *him*. *His* body.

It takes Bucky several tries, but he manages to find the new muscles that squeezes his vagina. Steve makes a small "hm!" sound and looks at him fondly. "Feeling better?"

"Yeah." Bucky tilts his head back for a long kiss, then maneuvers so that they're both lying down, with Steve's finger still inside, anchoring him. Steve wraps a possessive arm around him and kisses the back of Bucky's head.

Bucky's probably going to have to get up to pee in about 10 minutes, and he still has to deal with the fact that he's holy-fucking-pregnant, but for now, they've stopped the bombing outside.

-----
honestly, this'd probably be a good place to end, but the logistics part of me really wants to tell people what Bucky ends up deciding, so there'll be one more part.

This makes me so happy -- the ferocity of Bucky's desire when he finally decides to stop letting HYDRA run his life. <333 Thank you!

[HAPPY WHALE NOISES]

[excited whale noises]

Oh my God Bucky crying as he comes - my heart, my heart! This is so wonderful.

I love everything about this! It's so beautifully written and beautifully in character. Thank you!

Oh, that was BEAUTIFUL!! I loved how Bucky was afraid of Steve finding some erogenous tissue, but also afraid of him not.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

Page 23 of 205

Dumpster #4: I Don't See How That's a Party

Re: After Every Hit... [4/?]

Re: ws/monster - Bestiality

Re: ws/monster - Bestiality

Re: ws/monster - Bestiality

Re: After Every Hit... [4/?]

Winter Soldiers/Zemo - gang rape and subsequent revenge

Re: After Every Hit... [4/?]

Re: BONUS FILL: Sam/Bucky fuck or die

Re: A house is not a home [1/4(?)]

avengers themed costume trash party

Re: avengers themed costume trash party

Re: avengers themed costume trash party

Bucky needs to be physically restrained

Re: Bucky needs to be physically restrained

Re: ws/monster - Bestiality

Re: Bucky needs to be physically restrained

Re: Fill: What We're Not (5/6)

Re: Fill: What We're Not (6/6)

Re: weird fill: body mod, pregnancy [9/10]

Re: Fill: What We're Not (6/6)

Re: Fill: What We're Not (6/6)

Re: weird fill: body mod, pregnancy [9/10]

Re: Fill: What We're Not (6/6)

Re: weird fill: body mod, pregnancy [9/10]

Re: Fill: What We're Not (6/6)