hydratrashmeme | Dumpster #4: I Don't See How That's a Party

Dumpster #4: I Don't See How That's a Party

Okay, kids, you know the drill. Don't be a jerk except to fictional characters. Warn if you want, but read at your own risk, because

hydratrashmeme is about as far from a safe space as you can get. Garbage we like: noncon, whump, aftermath, violence, mind control, inappropriate uses of Bucky Barnes' metal arm, bad guys doing dirtybadwrong things to your faves. Garbage you should find a different trashcan for: a/b/o, D/s-verse, soulbonds, mundane AUs, OOC evil!good guys doing dirtybadwrong things to your faves, rotting leftovers dressed up as a romantic gourmet meal. Nothing wrong with 'em, but this isn't the crowd you should be pitching to if you're trying to sell Brock Rumlow as anything but a human dumpster fire.

Link your fills on the fill post, post unprompted fills as replies to a header comment so the wall o' text is collapsible, and let me know if you're interested in helping out with the Pinboard archive.

[Rules in full] [Round 1] [Round 2] [Round 3] [Fill post] [Chatter post] [hydratrashmeme Pinboard archive (maintained by

greenkirtle)] [Round 4 in flat view (comments in non-threaded chronological order, most recent last)]

All prompts or fills that contain Infinity War spoilers must go on the Infinity War spoiler post until May 26th. Spoilers in the main dumpsters will be deleted.

Round 4 is closed; comments and fills in existing threads are still welcome, but all new prompts go to Round 5.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

So with HYDRA, Bucky had knowledge literally beaten into him. Between that the the electro shocks, the only way he retains knowledge and habits long term is through pain, ideally administered by someone else. And the more frequently it's reinforced, the deeper it is ingrained.

I'm interested in the ways this would impact him post-TWS (or post-CW, if the filler prefers to go that way.)

Some possible ideas:
- writing lists of reminders to read in the morning, like "this is civilian clothing" and "a regular day involves (1) brushing your teeth...", etc
- needing to regularly zap himself in order to fight against really deeply ingrained stuff. Like, "don't go back to the nearest HYDRA base" and "you are not a thing" and "your body is yours."
- maybe the self-reinforcement doesn't work that well and he finally gives up and asks the Avengers to truly beat that into him.
- maybe the Avengers find out about the problem only when he starts slipping up in front of them

Basically I want Bucky to go through a lot of pain that no one wants to inflict.

Oh my god please yes, here is my first born for a fill of this!!

GUH YES PLEASE

omg please yes. this sounds so perfect

The Asset wakes up in an unfamiliar bed. He sits up and assesses the situation. In addition to the bed that he's in, there is a dresser, an armchair in the corner by an open window, a small bookshelf, and a closet. An adjoining bathroom. The lack of lurid paintings indicates that it's not a hotel room. A safehouse, then.

Where are his handlers? What was his mission? Why was he sleeping without his gear?

He finds his knives and tac vest by the bed, and starts remedying that oversight. They've made sure that he remember the mission protocols.

He's halfway done before he spots a sheet of paper on the dresser, next to a stun baton. It says "Mission" on the top, in a handwriting that seems oddly familiar, though he can't place it.

This handwriting is yours. Your name is Bucky says the first line.

Something settles in his brain. Bucky keeps reading.

You are not with HYDRA anymore. But it's easy to forget, because they've fried your brain enough that there's only one way to remember things now.

He nods to himself, then quickly scans the rest of the page. If it is true, then Project Insight has failed, the Secretary is dead, his last mission has been aported, and he lives with the Avengers.

Check your phone for confirmation.

He picks up the phone next to the paper, unlocks it with his thumbprint. There is a gallery of images confirming the paper's claims, as well as his daily schedule.

Even if the paper were lying, it is his mission assignment. And a part of him knows that it's not lying -- when he encounters something that he's forgotten, there is a tingle in the back of his head.

He takes off his tac vest and palms the stun baton.

At the bottom it says "Turn the setting to ~~5000~~ ~~8000~~ ~~12000~~ 16000 volts. You know what to do."

Bucky sighs, and sits down on the bed. Presses the baton at his perineum, and thinks, "My name is Bucky Barnes" as he lets 16000 volts of electricity run through him.

Omg I love this already!

I love this. There's such a subtle edge to Bucky's matter-of-fact acceptance here, as though we're glimpsing the same character at two different points in time: there's Bucky, who escaped from Hydra and feels a sense of rightness as he reads the paper—something settling in his brain, a tingle in the back of his head—and then there's the Asset, who woke up in an unfamiliar bed and will follow the instructions on the paper because it's his mission assignment and he has no choice.

Also, my heart breaks (in the best way, of course) at the thought of Bucky leaving his tac vest by the bed before he goes to sleep, knowing that the Asset will be confused/distressed if he can't follow the correct mission protocols, and setting out a stun baton on his dresser, knowing that he will have to be hurt in the morning in order to wake up for real, to come back to himself.

"He's awake." At Natasha's words, Steve leaps up from his seat and walked towards the door, only to be held back by her hand on his elbow. She gestures to the screen. "Steve. We agreed that we'd observe first."

Steve runs his hand through his hair. It's not right, for Bucky to wake up alone, not when he has friends right on the other side of the door. But if he hadn't tackled Bucky in time, he would have snapped Tony's neck like it was nothing. And the things they found in his pocket... Steve nods and takes a deep breath, directing his attention to the screen. His priorities are first to the Avengers' safety. He needs more intel, and Bucky can't endanger himself too much in that room.

Bucky is sitting upright in the hospital bed. After a quick assessment of the room, he pats his clothes (a light grey t-shirt and long soft pajamas), and begins to look slightly agitated. He then begins a thorough examination of the hospital room, stopping only when he comes upon the folded sheet of paper on the bedside table.

Steve already knows what it says, so he focuses on the way Bucky's face loses its agitation and becomes eerily flat and calm. As Bucky reaches for the phone on the bedside table, to corroborate the paper, Steve shivers: is this what Bucky does every morning? Has he been the Winter Soldier all along, on a mission to be Bucky Barnes. Steve feels a reasuring touch on his hand, and turns to smile gratefully at Natasha. Whatever state Bucky is in, at least they know the truth now. And with that, they can move forward.

Steve hears Bucky's muffled scream, and whips his head back just in time to see him convulse on the bed, one hand stuffed into his mouth and the other holding the stun baton to his abdomen.

Another scream rips through the air as Steve pushes Natasha aside and runs for the door, and the third crackle of electricity is still lingering in the air when Steve barges into the hospital room.

"Steve?" Bucky's eyes go wide as he quickly pulls a blanket over the baton. "You shouldn't..."

"Bucky, what the FUCK was that?" Propriety be damned. Steve pulls off the blanket and grabs the baton. "What are you doing to yourself?"

Bucky looks down and fingers the small burn marks on his abdomen. "Leave me alone, Steve. This is my problem."

"The hell it is! Last night you go all Winter Soldier on us, and now you're zapping yourself. We need to know. *I* need to know." Steve grabs the sheet of paper. "Is this your mission? To pretend to be Bucky Barnes?" A cold knot settles in his stomach. "Are you punishing yourself for failing to kill Tony?" If Bucky has been a danger to them all along, they'll have to...

Bucky's eyes widen and he looks frantically between the paper and Steve's face. "I did *what* last night?"

"You were at the expo with Tony, Steve, and Bruce." Steve wonders how Natasha can manage to sound so calm by the door. "You tried to attack Tony, but then Steve stopped you. You made a second attempt, but Tony knocked you out with a small pulsor he had on his watch." She steps closer, and gently takes the paper from Steve's hand and hands it back to Bucky. "You don't remember, do you?"

Bucky searches Natasha's face for a long time, but finally he sighs and looks down. "No, I don't."

Natasha reaches up and gently caresses Bucky's head and murmurs something in Russian. Steve frowns. It seems like Natasha has decided that Bucky isn't the Winter Soldier and isn't a threat, but, "What do you mean, Buck, you don't remember? Why don't you remember?"

Bucky shrugs defensively. "Nevermind that, Steve. I can handle it." Natasha nudges Bucky, and he sits up, smooths his hair. "I'm sorry I caused so much trouble yesterday. If you'll give me another chance, I'll make sure it won't happen again. I'll stay in my room and only come out when I'm safe."

Steve waves the baton. "By safe you mean 'zap yourself with 16000 volts of electricity?'"

Bucky's mouth hardens. Beside him, Natasha lays a hand on Bucky's shoulder, but he shrugs her off and stands up. "Steve, I said I'd take care of it. I don't want to get into the specifics. Just let me handle it."

"Bucky, I can't let you handle it if your way is hurting yourself."

"Well, would you rather do it?" Bucky glares at Steve. "Probably only have to shock me once or twice for me to remember who you are."

As things finally click, Steve can't help but turn away. If Bucky has been zapping himself every morning then all those times he limped...

"Yeah, I know I'm messed up --" Bucky chuckles humorlessly behind him. "HYDRA fucked me up so bad that the only way I remember things is if I'm being hurt enough." When not face-to-face with Bucky's defensive glare, all Steve can hear in Bucky's voice is his weariness. "But unless you're volunteering to whip me bloody every morning, you best let me handle it, pal."

And with that, Bucky gathers his things. Steve steps aside to let Bucky out the door and back to his own room.

A moment later, his superhero picks up the sizzle of electricity hitting human skin. Now that he knows what it is, it's impossible to forget.

-----

[AuthorAnon: Sorry guyz, I started writing this and then quickly ran out of steam. So the last few parts are just a blind careless dash to some sort of conclusion. :/ ]

.... and I posted this in the wrong place. Go me.

I love how systematically Bucky handles this horrible situation--the schedule so rigid that even Tony remarks on it, knowing down to the hour how long his window of safety is, the reminders on his phone, all of it.

lol, thanks! Yeah, turned out I just wanted to write organization!fic?? I have Bucky's phone schedule and reminders mapped out in my head. And they're all carefully worded as to not tip off JARVIS to the fact that Bucky has memory problems. (Which is why the most impt info is on a sheet of paper -- so JARVIS can't read it.)

I love how painful this is for everyone! Poor, poor Bucky, handling it all so bravely and doggedly. I like to think that now the secret's out, his friends will get over their horror/helplessness and find ways to, um. Support him. ;)

Resilient Bucky is my fave! \o/

And don't worry -- his friends will help him -- they just have to get past Bucky's defensiveness first. (Nat will be the first. It'll take Steve a while to get past the "respect Bucky's boundaries" and into the dogged "you're my friend, fight me.")

And I mean... his current programming is in so deep because of pain inflicted on others, they just have to ... reach that level of pain again, to "overwrite" the default memories.

I'd write all the tearful whipping and the resigned chin juts, but ... I suck at writing that. (Which is why I prompted this in the first place, orz)

Thanks! Yeah, the thing that really attracted me to the prompt is thinking about how calculated Bucky would have to be -- picking what information is important enough to be worth the pain, versus information that he can just consult his phone for. And planning ahead for various contingencies, and looking for secret ways to hurt himself. (Had a strong mental image for Bucky wearing a cilice, for example.)

Loving this so far! Especially the strikethrough text, and all the implications of the escalating numbers. Poor Bucky ;_;

Yeah. Unfortunately hurting himself just doesn't work that great, hence the escalation. But if others agree to hurt him, it'd be much easier on his body. (But harder on everyone else)

Steve is pouring his second cup of coffee when Bucky comes out of his room. Tony is on his ... tenth? Depends on how he counts days, really -- by the calendar or by when Tony sleeps. Steve spares a moment to worry about the bags under Tony's eyes before he's elbowed to the side by Bucky. "Hey pal, don't hog the coffee machine."

Bucky's walking with a limp again this morning, and Steve wonders briefly what Bucky gets up to in his room that makes a supersoldier wince as he sits down at the counter, but ... he knows that Bucky would tell him to shove it Mr-can't-stay-in-bed-with-pneumonia, and Tony'd tease him about being Captain Mom. Those two: thick as thieves. So instead, Steve stands there, and tries to be grateful that Bucky's here, pouring a mug full of coffee and spreading cream cheese onto a bagel.

Besides, Bucky sees a whole team of doctors and therapists, and runs his own schedule so tightly that Steve's pretty sure there's a block that says "breakfast with Steve and Tony."

"Hey Steve, back me up here." Tony punches Steve lightly in the arm, then does a mock-wince as he pulls back.

"What?"

"I was just telling Buckaroo here about the clean energy expo that's in town. Well, it's in town because I'm hosting it, funding it, and leading it, but that's besides the point."

"Oh really? You mean that expo that you've been talking about nonstop for the last month? I hadn't heard about it."

"Shut up, Rogers. Anyway, the point is --" Tony gestures with the coffeepot (his eleventh cup?). "I'm trying to get Barnes to go. But he..."

"I have my schedule." Bucky helpfully waves his phone as he flips a pancake with his metal hand.

"... he has his infernal schedule." Tony rolls his eyes. "What's wrong with having a night out, Barnes? Afraid your coach is going to turn into a pumpkin at midnight? Too many scintillating books to read every night, alone in your room?" Tony pauses. "Wait, *is* it the books? Are they porno books? Where do you even find porno books? Have you discovered porn on the internet, yet? Let me get JARVIS to load some good ones...."

"Tony."

"Oh, yeah. The point I was trying to make, is -- Bucky, you should come to the expo tonight. I know it's hard to notice when my brilliance outshines everyone else, but you've had some good ideas for localizing the arc reactor technology and I think you should see how much cooler we are than the competition."

Bucky frowns, and looks to Steve. "I dunno. I'd rather stay home, I think."

"C'mon, Buck. It'll be fun. Tony promises it'd be better than the World's Fair. Plus you haven't let up about clean energy for the last 3 months."

"I haven't, have I?" Bucky quirks a hesitant smile. Then thumbs through his phone. "I guess it's okay if we make it home by 9pm."

Bucky pockets the phone and considers his options. It's already 9:03pm, and Tony is pulling him excitedly toward yet another hydrogen fuel cell. His memories, the ones seared into his brain with 16000 volts of electricity this morning, are now mere tenuous tendrils of thought. He palms his pocket. If he can just slip away for a few minutes, he hasn't ever had to do it in the bathroom before, but...

"... but I can think of 15 different ways to make it more efficient, just off the top of my head, and I only have 5 doctorates. Surely you can..."

The man next to him is pattering on about something. The clock on the wall says it's 9:05pm. He feels a sense of anxiety, as if he'd missed a crucial deadline.

The asset looks about him. He is in a large convention hall. The man next to him is tugging him toward a different display. There, about 50 yards away, a tall blond man is frowning at him while talking to a third, shorter man. That must be his handler. He must have been ordered to get close to his target and eliminate him. The asset glances at the clock again. He's probably eight minutes overdue. But maybe if he executes the target properly, they won't punish him too much. Maybe even hide the fact that he'd forgotten his mission.

The target seems easy enough -- he touches the asset with an ease that indicates camaraderie and trust. Good. The asset doesn't have any weapons on him except his arm, but that should be enough.

The handler is approaching, weaving slowly but inexorably through the crowd. No time to lead the target into a more secluded area. He needs to act now, before the handler realizes what's wrong.

He waits for the man to stop talking and turn to him. He grabs for the man's throat.

The asset is slammed to the ground by what felt like a freight train. He feels three ribs crack, and a minor skull fracture.

"Bucky, what the fuck are you doing?"

Steve's worried face looks down at him from above. There are screams around him, and ... shit.

"Bucky. You're bleeding." He feels gentle hands probe at his face. No, that isn't what he needs right now.

"Steve..." He grabs the man's shoulder with his left hand. There was something he needs to say... "Hit me again."

"What? Buck, you're delirious. Let's get you upstairs. Clear your head." The man is helping him up. Is moving him upstairs for a wipe. No, the asset has failed completely. But maybe if he can still eliminate the target... The asset spins around, scans the room for the target...

"Sorry, Steve, he's too erratic. I gotta do this." A low, familiar voice mutters from the right. The target! The asset whips out his hand just as the man says, "It's only gonna sting a bit, Barnes."

A shock of electricity bites his palm and everything goes black.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Dumpster #4: I Don't See How That's a Party

The only way for Bucky to retain information is through pain

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