hydratrashmeme | Dumpster #4: I Don't See How That's a Party

Okay, kids, you know the drill. Don't be a jerk except to fictional characters. Warn if you want, but read at your own risk, because

hydratrashmeme is about as far from a safe space as you can get. Garbage we like: noncon, whump, aftermath, violence, mind control, inappropriate uses of Bucky Barnes' metal arm, bad guys doing dirtybadwrong things to your faves. Garbage you should find a different trashcan for: a/b/o, D/s-verse, soulbonds, mundane AUs, OOC evil!good guys doing dirtybadwrong things to your faves, rotting leftovers dressed up as a romantic gourmet meal. Nothing wrong with 'em, but this isn't the crowd you should be pitching to if you're trying to sell Brock Rumlow as anything but a human dumpster fire.

Link your fills on the fill post, post unprompted fills as replies to a header comment so the wall o' text is collapsible, and let me know if you're interested in helping out with the Pinboard archive.

[Rules in full] [Round 1] [Round 2] [Round 3] [Fill post] [Chatter post] [hydratrashmeme Pinboard archive (maintained by

greenkirtle)] [Round 4 in flat view (comments in non-threaded chronological order, most recent last)]

All prompts or fills that contain Infinity War spoilers must go on the Infinity War spoiler post until May 26th. Spoilers in the main dumpsters will be deleted.

Round 4 is closed; comments and fills in existing threads are still welcome, but all new prompts go to Round 5.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Bucky cracked open his eyes and looked down at Steve’s now-limp cock. “Sir. You didn't finish. Please, sir, use my mouth.” He shifted around on the bed, crawling forward and angling his head so he could swallow Steve down.

The moment Bucky touched Steve’s leg with one hand, it was like a shock ran through every part of Steve’s body. He flinched back hard and scrambled away. A cold sweat broke out all over and his brain felt like it was on fire. He couldn’t, wouldn’t let Bucky touch him like this.

No, no, no, no, no…

Now Bucky began to sob in earnest, and crawled forward as low as he could manage. “Please, sir, I’m sorry. Whatever I did, I’m sorry. Please touch me, sir. Please, I need it…”

Those words broke through the disgust. Whatever was going on with Steve, he couldn’t leave Bucky like that, sobbing because he thought he’d done something wrong. Swallowing down the pain and upset, he gritted his jaw and gathered Bucky up in his arms and gently petted him.

“You did well, Bucky.” Steve couldn’t bring himself to call him ‘asset’ or ‘soldier’. He just couldn’t. His eyes stung and he sniffed hard, nose already starting to run. Bucky keened in his arms and arched in to every touch like it was a blessing. “So good. You’re perfect, Bucky. You didn’t do anything wrong. None of this is your fault.”

It’s mine, he thought.

The rocked together for a while, and when Bucky finally started to pull back, Steve let him go. Per his norm, Bucky crawled away to the corner of the bed, tucked himself into a ball, and sat there shivering.

Unable to hold himself back at that point, Steve buried his face in the sheets and wept. Every time he thought he was helping, every time things were starting to look okay, Steve went and fucked it up. Literally, he thought with awful self-loathing.

He pulled the sheets close, covering his face as he cried, forearms bracketing his head to muffle the sound. Steve did his best to keep quiet. After everything Bucky had been through, he didn’t need Steve’s upset as well.

His whole body was one solid ache, a useless mass of pain and guilt. Every little trail of liquid, every drop of sweat and lube, felt like poison seeping into him; a reminder of the terrible way he’d hurt his best friend, the other half of his soul.

All he needed to do was keep quiet for awhile as Bucky came back to himself. Steve could take this moment to deal, and then he’d be ready to help Bucky through whatever he was feeling.

In a minute. Just another minute to try and get out all the pain.

Something in the back of his head registered movement. Dimly, he recognized that he was rocking a bit, so he wrote the movement off as just that. But then there was a soft touch on his back.

“Steve?” Bucky sounded so hesitant, so concerned.

Steve flinched back in surprise and revulsion. Not at Bucky. He could never think Bucky was anything less than amazing. No, all his bile and loathing was for himself. He’d taken broken a sacred trust, and worse, he’d enjoyed it.

“Steve, please, tell me whats wrong. Sweetheart.”

Steve scrubbed the tears from his eyes and looked up at Bucky’s worried face. He wanted to reach out and brush the furrow from his brow, but couldn’t bring himself too. Steve didn’t deserve to touch Bucky ever again.

“Bucky,” he said, voice thick and cracking. “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” Steve stared at his hands, unable to meet his gaze any longer.

But Bucky wasn’t having it. He crowded close to Steve and held out his hand. Steve wanted to touch him, more than anything, but how could he justify it? What right did he have?

When Steve just sat there, Bucky swallowed hard and reached out to pull their hands together, and gently rubbed his thumb over Steve’s knuckles. “Steve, you gotta talk to me. What happened?”

“You---” Steve tried to swallow around the massive lump in his throat, but couldn’t quite do it. “You called me Pierce.” Bucky’s hands froze in his grip.

“What.”

Steve had to keep going. Had to come clean. This was too huge a thing. He couldn’t hide his shame, his betrayal. It wouldn’t be right. “You’ve been calling me ‘sir’. When we. And. And I thought that you just m-might like that now. But you called me Pierce. Said you belonged to Hydra. All this time, I was using you just like they did.”

“Shut up!” Bucky grabbed hold of Steve’s neck, forcing him to look Bucky in the face. The whites showed all around Bucky’s beautiful silver-blue eyes and Steve could feel the slight tremble in his hand. “You are nothing like them. Nothing. Do you hear me?”

As painful as Bucky’s grip was, Steve welcomed it. Leaned into it, even. The fact that Bucky was still even willing to touch him at all was a gift. That still didn’t stop him from saying what had to be said.

“You thought I was them. Whatever I was doing was similar enough that you couldn’t tell the difference.” The words tasted like rot in his mouth, but he still said them.

Bucky flinched like he’d been slapped, eyes closing as he breathed heavily. But he still held on to Steve. “I didn’t remember.”

Didn’t. But now he did.

Steve took a breath and paused to treasure the feeling of Bucky’s hands on him. After this it might never happen again.

“I liked it, too,” he said in a whisper. Awful shame filled him. If Steve could had had a gun right there he might have shot himself. He almost hoped Bucky would. “I’m as bad as they were.”

“Shut. Your fucking. Mouth.” Bucky’s voice was so rough it hurt to listen to. The faint clack-clack-clack of the plates on his arm recalibrating echoed around the room. A huge shudder raced through him and ended with him shaking his head. “Whatever happened to me is not your fault.”

“Maybe not, but this is---” Steve started.

“I said shut your fucking mouth! I’m talking. You listen.” Bucky leaned forward, almost to the point where their foreheads were touching, then he stalled out. Steve couldn’t find it in himself to stay still. He leaned forward, pressing their heads together. Maybe that was the right move, because Bucky shivered and pressed against him, and some of the tension left the hand on Steve’s neck. “You are nothing like them. You are the best, most beautiful, most wonderful person in the world. You said I deserve nice things, right? Well you are the nice thing that I want. The only nice thing I want.”

Now Bucky was looking at him, their eyes just inches apart. Nowhere to hide from the honesty in that gaze.

“Bucky.” Steve’s voice was soft and pleading. “I hurt you. I took advantage of you. You. You thought I was them.” Hot tears spilled down his cheeks.

“I didn’t remember. I just. I wanted to be touched so bad.” Bucky was crying, too. His other hand found Steve’s shoulder and held him close. “Something felt wrong, felt bad with us, but I didn’t remember. Now that I do, it still doesn’t matter. You hear me Rogers? It doesn’t fucking matter.” Bucky closed his eyes and sagged forward. “Please. Please don’t take away the one good thing in my life.”

“Buck…”

“No. You’re it. I don’t know how you fucking stand to touch me, but every time you do it’s the best part of my day. Please, Steve. Don’t leave me alone.”

Steve pulled Bucky close and held him as tightly as he could. The little noise of relief that Bucky made stabbed him right in the heart, and then Bucky was hugging him back.

It took a few minutes before Steve could try to talk again. Even when he did, he still didn’t let Bucky go. “We’re gonna have to talk about this. Find some way to-- to touch without throwing you out of your head. Some kind of check in or something.”

Because Steve couldn’t do this again. Didn’t ever want to take the place of Bucky’s abusers.

“Yeah,” Bucky said, voice cracking. “Yeah, we can do that. We can figure it out.”

They stayed pressed together for a long time, clinging to each other for comfort.

Mmm part 2 waiting for me when I replied to part 1. Heaven. And yessss, I just want them trying things to avoid triggering. Maybe Steve bottoms or Bucky is on top or all sorts of things, maybe firmer touches, harder or a bit bdsm... different so it won't trigger. Heh

AA of THOA: I JUST CAME HERE TO SCREAM ABOUT THIS AND HOW GOOD IT IS AND HOW MUCH I LOVE THE ROLE REVERSAL HERE AND THE CONTINUED THREAD OF OPTIMISM THAT THEY CAN GET BETTER AND BE OKAY AND HAVE GOOD THINGS (EACH OTHER)

I don't have anything coherent to say, just that I loved this so much and AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Dumpster #4: I Don't See How That's a Party

FILL: Touch As Sweet As (2/2)

Re: FILL: Touch As Sweet As (2/2)

Re: FILL: Touch As Sweet As (2/2)

Re: FILL: Touch As Sweet As (2/2)