hydratrashmeme | Dumpster #4: I Don't See How That's a Party

Okay, kids, you know the drill. Don't be a jerk except to fictional characters. Warn if you want, but read at your own risk, because

hydratrashmeme is about as far from a safe space as you can get. Garbage we like: noncon, whump, aftermath, violence, mind control, inappropriate uses of Bucky Barnes' metal arm, bad guys doing dirtybadwrong things to your faves. Garbage you should find a different trashcan for: a/b/o, D/s-verse, soulbonds, mundane AUs, OOC evil!good guys doing dirtybadwrong things to your faves, rotting leftovers dressed up as a romantic gourmet meal. Nothing wrong with 'em, but this isn't the crowd you should be pitching to if you're trying to sell Brock Rumlow as anything but a human dumpster fire.

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Also -- I'd love to know how this version differed from the previous version. Frankly I was a little surprised that after a night of replaying every single one of his interactions with Bucky, Steve decided to discount all of the Soldier's attempts to make things better for Steve. But then again, maybe the betrayal stung too much and Steve doesn't know what was forced and what was Bucky acting of his own volition.

Another anon reader, not the author, but

I got the feeling that it was just the immediate visceral reaction of knowing you're about to be raped by the person you love most. Again. That, and the psychological impact of constant rape and torture.

Author anon here. This is actually a perfect, 100% more succinct version of the long-winded answer I gave. You're absolutely right. Thanks you. And thank you for reading.

ayrt

Oh man, I'm glad I got it right! And thank you for writing and sharing this. I... actually haven't commented here all that often over the years, but this fic pulled me out of lurking. I could feel the sense of empathy for Steve throughout the subtext, regardless of what the text itself did, so I'm honestly grateful to get to read something like this.

( omg sorry for the impromptu gushing, I hope I'm making sense. )

A!A

Thank you so much. I get it, really. Every once in a while I write something, but I'm much more of a lurker, so I really appreciate you saying that.

Sorry for the length of this, but here's my thinking. From Steve's perspective, some of those attempts didn't look, at the time, like Bucky trying to help him -- for example, he was bathed, sure, but it was an unpleasant and humiliating experience and for all he knew, it was for their benefit; and the nutritional sludge could have been anything, could have been more drugs even, but for sure someone suddenly force-feeding him some unknown substance while he was blind and helpless had to be kind of terrifying. Some of the gains Bucky made were behind the scenes. Steve doesn't know why more food appeared, just that it did one day. He doesn't know the lube was special and carefully rationed just for him to keep from injuring him too badly again.

There's a scene in the sequel where Bucky is pressing the issue and Steve says, "I'm not mad at you, Buck, I'm just mad," and that's a pretty good way of explaining where he is here, too. What he's thinking is, "So this is what they MADE you do, they MADE you murder and rape, THEY did this to you," and part of him is processing that and part of him is processing anger at what they did to Bucky and fear at what that might have entailed to get him in this situation, but no one speaks perfectly all the time, especially not in stressful situations, so the way it comes out is, "So this is what YOU do." He doesn't quite mean it the way that Bucky interprets it, and we're in Bucky's head here, and Bucky's already swimming in guilt, so he'll find accusation in just about anything because he's pretty sure he deserves it. Steve doesn't know what was Bucky and what was his orders, hasn't yet worked out all the moments where Bucky was trying to help him or what it cost him (he will, though).

It was really tempting to have him do the Steve thing, and be understanding and continue to appeal to Bucky, but after the prolonged, intimate, truly awful experience that he's been through -- and is still going through, he still doesn't know how to end this but he knows Bucky is there to rape him again, which also means he's lost the one connection making this bearable -- I thought he was entitled to just be upset and not deal with it well for a little while. He's been pretty stoic this whole story, hasn't really let it in until now, and it's hitting him at once, so when it all does, he lashes out a bit, and who else is there, you know? He's been sitting in that room by himself, waiting, no distractions, nothing to do, just stewing in it, basically, since it happened. And they haven't talked, really. Bucky ignored all of his attempts to engage in the reveal scene, so it's a toss-up for him whether Bucky will ignore him again or explain. But the moment Bucky reassures him that, no, he's not on their side, he's just surviving the only way he can, Steve softens. He still needs time to deal with it, but he's not going to hold it against Bucky. He can tell that Bucky is every bit as much their unwilling prisoner as he is. But weeks of sexual abuse at the hands of the one person he's really been allowed to talk to that whole time (and that person seeming lucid and not obviously brainwashed) is different from his obviously brainwashed and not in control friend trying to beat him to death the day after he found out he was alive in the first place like in TWS. So I wouldn't say he dismissed him, just that he needs time. He's not deciding here so much as reacting. He's piecing it all together.

The biggest difference was that originally, Steve had no fucking clue. He was just absolutely shocked and gutted, and it was an uglier scene, if you can believe it. But it started to seem unreasonable that he wouldn't have given it some thought, and after I started dropping hints, that sealed it. He had to have considered it, which changed his reaction significantly. There was no scene between the attempted reveal and the actual reveal, they just sent him right back in to fix what he'd fucked up, but I just wanted to give him that attempt at closure and let him see Steve one more time. Originally they did want Steve for information, but it really seems like a clumsy way to do that, so it made more sense that, actually, they've concocted this ridiculous, cruel, convoluted plan because it's both an elaborate headgame designed to lower his defenses and it's a way to gloat all at once. They're kicking him while he's down because they can, and you're right, that spite just absolutely cuts through to Bucky, which provided him with the motivation he needed to break their hold.

And, yeah, he definitely doesn't care all that much about the Big Evil Plan. His priorities are Steve and survival, in that order.

Fury and Nat won't make an appearance in this one, but they're definitely in the next one (which takes place some time after the events of this story and is told from Sam's POV). And thank you! Hope that clears things up.

Thank you so much for taking the time to explain! :D

Yeah, it makes a lot of sense that it'd take Steve a while to process and figure these things out. And that Bucky's going to read everything as an indictment on himself. Poor bbs.

(omg I'd love to see your Sam POV!)

Dumpster #4: I Don't See How That's a Party

Re: FILL: Daybreak part 14c/15 Re: Identity Porn in captivity

Re: FILL: Daybreak part 14c/15 Re: Identity Porn in captivity

Re: FILL: Daybreak part 14c/15 Re: Identity Porn in captivity

Re: FILL: Daybreak part 14c/15 Re: Identity Porn in captivity

Re: FILL: Daybreak part 14c/15 Re: Identity Porn in captivity

Re: FILL: Daybreak part 14c/15 Re: Identity Porn in captivity

Re: FILL: Daybreak part 14c/15 Re: Identity Porn in captivity