Dumpster #5: We didn't start the trashfire

[trashmod]

Welcome to the latest, greatest, scummiest iteration of hydratrashmeme. Come on in and please check your sense of shame at the door.

Rules in brief: Don't be a jerk except to fictional characters. Warn if you want, but read at your own risk, because this is emphatically not a safe space. Link your fills on the fill post. Unprompted fills: make a prompt or a header comment and reply to it with the full text. Continuations of fills from earlier rounds: just make sure you link in both places.

What's on-topic: Filthy and perverted twists on all the quality whump served up by Cap: Winter Soldier. Noncon, aftermath, uncomfortably sexualized violence, mind control, inappropriate uses of Bucky Barnes' metal arm, bad guys doing dirtybadwrong things to your faves.
What's off-topic: a/b/o, D/s-verse, soulbonds, mundane AUs, shippy/romanticized noncon, MCU heroes repurposed into OOC or edgydark delivery vehicles for your fave's suffering. If you've got a prompt for one of those burning a hole in your brain, head on over to mcu_trash.

[Rules in full] [Round 1] [Round 2] [Round 3] [Round 4] [Fill post] [Chatter post] [hydratrashmeme Pinboard archive] [Round 5 in flat view (comments in non-threaded chronological order, most recent last)]

Comments

Re: fill: the claim (2/6)

[(Anonymous)]

...although he can never entirely erase the fear that he’s coercing Bucky into doing things that he doesn’t really want to do.

This entire fill has been some of my favorite, delicious trash jam. Steve afraid and ashamed of what he wants from Bucky. Bucky being reasonably okay and knowing exactly what he wants from Steve. Both of them trying to rebuild the intense bond they used to share.

They still trust each other, of course, but they don’t know each other with the same silent confidence that they used to.

I'm loving everything about this so far, AA!

the claim (3/8)

[(Anonymous)]

Bucky stops asking, after that, and moves on to a different plan. Steve wishes he loved someone a little less stubbornly determined, because the whole thing has grown a bit exhausting.

Because now, Bucky isn’t asking. He’s attempting to seduce Steve.

Steve is pretty easily seduceable, especially when it comes to Bucky Barnes. Bucky only has to lean on him while they’re watching TV, or casually sling an arm around his waist while they’re walking, or smirk at him in that bright, knowing way he always used to, or card his fingers through his now-long hair, or… basically do anything, come to think of it. Yeah, Steve is basically putty in the hands of Bucky, and Bucky knows it.

And then he’ll smile at Steve, or lean in closer, or wink, and he’ll whisper in Steve’s ear, blowing warm, wet breath across the sensitive shell of Steve’s ear, “You want me, right?”

“Yes,” Steve will answer, too far gone to demur even if he would want to lie, because he wants Bucky like a fire wants to burn, and there’s no point in trying to hide it.

Bucky will pull away, smile at him again, no, smirk, and then he’ll say, “Well, you know what you have to do.”

Obviously, Steve isn’t going to let his desire for sex get in the way of doing the right thing for Bucky. He has to admit, though, that it’s getting harder and harder to remember why this is the right thing, with Bucky continuing to insist that he wants Steve to punish him, with the pleasant memories of past games so fresh, and, okay, with all of the blood rushing distinctly south of his brain on a regular basis.

He wishes he had someone to talk to about all of this, but he doesn’t think he can bring himself to do so. They’d always kept it a secret—even with their other queer friends, back in Brooklyn, guys who could understand what Steve and Bucky were to each other, they didn’t tell anyone about the games they’d play in the bedroom, or the way in which they sometimes felt like more than just games. Steve was always a little ashamed of how much he liked it, and Bucky didn’t want other guys thinking he was easy just because he was easy for Steve.

The future has changed in a lot of ways, and people talk about all kinds of things that used to be pretty private, but Steve’s still pretty sure he shouldn’t go around telling everyone, or anyone, that Bucky used to get on his knees for Steve and call him ‘sir’ in bed and liked to get tied up. That’s no one’s business but his and Bucky’s. Unfortunately, not being able to talk about that means not being able to explain his dilemma.

Then again, maybe it doesn’t change things that much, because that has nothing to do with this, right? Bucky’s asking Steve to hurt him because of some twisted sense of guilt that HYDRA forced into him, because of the brainwashing and the trauma and everything else.

He barely formulates that thought before he can basically hear Bucky’s response in his head, clear as if he were speaking. ‘What, now I don’t get to know my own mind because of what they done to me? You know that ain’t fair.’ And he’d be right, too.

It isn’t the shameless flirting changing Steve’s mind, not really, but he has to admit it doesn’t help that Bucky is bending over right now to retrieve something he’d accidentally-on-purpose dropped, which of course brings his ass right into Steve’s line of sight.

Steve is getting a headache. Damn serum was supposed to prevent that, but it wasn’t counting on the exhausting and infinite charms of Bucky Barnes, Steve supposes.

Re: the claim (3/8)

[(Anonymous)]

:D

Re: the claim (3/8)

[(Anonymous)]

(OP) AHH I am so very excited this is getting a fill, especially one that's so lovely so far!!!!! I love Bucky's steadfast determination and Steve's awkward boners. I also really love all the negotiation and the anticipation that grows w it!!

Re: the claim (3/8)

[(Anonymous)]

Love it! Bucky seducing Steve to punish him is my new kink.

the claim (4/8)

[(Anonymous)]

Eventually, Steve figures out the solution to his need to talk. It’s pretty obvious, actually, and he’s a little embarrassed it took him this long to come ‘round to it.

He should talk to Bucky. Right.

He was probably subconsciously avoiding doing that because it makes him pretty uncomfortable, which he is at least able to recognize as a fucking stupid reason to not do what is clearly the right thing and will probably make both him and Bucky feel better about this whole uncomfortable situation.

Therapy has taught him a lot about the best ways to have difficult conversations, so he makes sure to raise it at a time when both he and Bucky are relaxed, at home where they both feel safe, and physically facing each other but not too close so Bucky doesn’t feel ganged up on or pressured.

“So Buck. I was wondering if we could talk for a second.”

“Sure thing.” Bucky puts down his pulp novel and looks at Steve. “What’s up?”

“Uh, I’ve been thinking. About the thing you’ve mentioned a couple of times. You know.”

“You punishing me?” Bucky says, and right away his energy seems to shift. It’s like he’s becoming calmer, more grounded, more focused. His eyes are on Steve, and he’s in the moment, not at all distracted or thinking about the past or anything else that still happens with some frequency.

“Yeah.”

“What about it?”

“Well, um, I’m not saying I’m gonna, or that I think I can, or anything like that. But I figured I ought to at least talk about it with you. Find out why it’s so important to you. I owe you that much.”

“Finally, you idiot,” Bucky says, which makes Steve feel at least a little hopeful that this isn’t all some kind of horrible trauma reaction that proves Bucky is regressing and needs to be protected from a dangerous urge to harm himself. He’s pretty sure Bucky didn’t go around calling his Hydra handlers idiots.

“Sorry?”

“I’ve been waiting for this for ages. Yes, what do you want to know?”

“I want to know why, Buck. Why is this so important to you? I mean, not to bring up painful memories, but you aren’t exactly big on asking for stuff…”

“Nah, it’s a fair question. Um, give me a second, this is pretty tricky to explain.” But Bucky’s voice is steady, and he’s meeting Steve’s eyes. “A bunch of the memories from the stuff that happened to me really mess me up, but most of them I know I need to find ways to deal with. The fact that I tortured people, killed people… that’s gonna stay with me forever, and I know that. I’m okay with that. I’ll deal with the guilt and I’ll do what I can to make it right. But the other stuff is, um, a different story.”

Steve doesn’t say anything, too afraid his words will come out wrong. It’s pretty rare and special that Bucky is talking about his past at all. He knows that if he pushes too much or too hard, he’ll lose this chance altogether, and he doesn’t want that. Luckily, Bucky doesn’t seem to need any prodding.

“I know I shouldn’t feel bad about any of that. It’s not like I asked HYDRA to spend seventy years shoving their dicks in me every way they could figure out how to, you know? Actually, I would really have rather they didn’t. Like, intellectually, I get that it’s not my fault. But I can’t stop feeling it.”

That makes some sense to Steve. He’s read up a lot about trauma and PTSD and sexual assault, and everything Bucky is saying lines up with what he’s learned.

“And the guilt gets worse every time I get close to you, Stevie. It’s like there’s this voice in my head that’ll start screaming that I’m dirty, that I don’t deserve to be with you or talk to you or, especially, touch you. And I’ve tried all kinds of things that might make it better, I’ve tried and tried, but nothing helps. And then I think about how rotten I felt after I messed around with Joe Donaghue, and how much better I felt after you licked me, and I figured, maybe it’d work again. Because I know it wouldn’t really make up for it, but I also know I don’t really have anything to apologize for, and I thought, maybe I just need that kind of… release. And I need it to come from you.”

“Oh,” Steve says, because this is all starting to make a kind of sense to him. It’s starting to be the kind of thing that feels like he could do it and live with himself afterwards.

“Also, uh, I think you’re pretty damn hot when you’re all self-righteous and angry, and I gotta tell you, I like the idea of that all getting directed right at my ass.”

“Huh,” Steve repeats. Because that, well, that he can do. He’s not sure about all the complicated emotions here, but if it’s a sex thing, that makes it a little easier.

“So?” Bucky asks, sitting on the edge of his seat a little. “You gonna do it?”

“We gotta talk about this some more, Buck. What you want me to do, exactly. Where the limits are. What will help you.”

“But—“

“Yeah,” Steve says, smiling at the delight that passes over Bucky’s face. “I’m in.”

Re: the claim (4/8)

[(Anonymous)]

Well done, Steve XD
Looking forward to seeing them play it out!