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hydratrashmeme2015-09-09 07:23 pm
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Dumpster #3: The Great Pacific Garbage Patch
Holy shitballs, look at us go. Welcome to Captain America fandom's resident wretched hive of scum and villainy: ROUND THREE. AKA Bad Guys Do Dirtybadwrong Things To Your Faves, AKA the Hydra Trash Party kinkmeme. As usual, BLANKET NON-CON AND NSFW WARNINGS apply: just assume going in that everything in this landfill is unfit for human consumption.
Rules in brief: don't be a jerk except to fictional characters, warnings for particularly fucked-up garbage are nice but not required, thou shalt not judge the trashiness of thy neighbor's kinks unless thy neighbor is trying to pass off their rotting banana peels and half-eaten pizza crusts as a healthy romantic dinner for two, off-topic comments may be chucked out of the dumpster at management's discretion, management's discretion decrees that omegaverse, soulbond AUs, D/s-verse, non-superpowered AUs, and dark!good guys AUs are off-topic.
[Round 1] [Round 2] [Fill post] [Chatter post] [hydratrashmeme Pinboard archive (maintained by
greenkirtle)] [Round 3 in flat view (comments in non-threaded chronological order, most recent last)]
Round 3 is closed; comments and fills in existing threads are still welcome, but all new prompts go to Round 4.
Rules in brief: don't be a jerk except to fictional characters, warnings for particularly fucked-up garbage are nice but not required, thou shalt not judge the trashiness of thy neighbor's kinks unless thy neighbor is trying to pass off their rotting banana peels and half-eaten pizza crusts as a healthy romantic dinner for two, off-topic comments may be chucked out of the dumpster at management's discretion, management's discretion decrees that omegaverse, soulbond AUs, D/s-verse, non-superpowered AUs, and dark!good guys AUs are off-topic.
[Round 1] [Round 2] [Fill post] [Chatter post] [hydratrashmeme Pinboard archive (maintained by
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Round 3 is closed; comments and fills in existing threads are still welcome, but all new prompts go to Round 4.
The Asset is genuinely thrilled with his new handler
(Anonymous) 2016-03-11 11:20 pm (UTC)(link)Okay. So after his visit to the Smithsonian, the Asset turns himself over to Steve. (If the Asset's reading it right, he thinks, it seems like maybe he should have been Steve's all along.) It's clear that the Asset regards him as a handler, and that's painful for Steve, but he's gentle and careful and confident that, in time, Bucky will regain his sense of identity and autonomy.
Nope! Writer's choice as to how much, if anything, the Asset remembers of his former life, but the personality forged by Hydra is a stable one: the Asset is a loyal weapon and, when he's not in the field, a submissive and eager toy. He's understandably nervous at first, because he doesn't know how Steve will choose to treat him, but it quickly becomes apparent that Steve is GREAT. He gives the Asset delicious food and a soft place to sleep, he affords him dignity and respect, yes, but it's more than that: he's funny and shy and kind, he's a brave fighter, he stands up for the weak. He's also, not to put too fine a point on it, gorgeous. The Asset's in love.
The Asset is required to offer himself sexually to his handlers, of course, and he offers himself with good cheer and considerable enthusiasm to this one, because this one is LITERALLY THE BEST. Steve always turns him down, though, and this makes the Asset sad. It's not that Steve necessarily objects to the idea of sex with him, the Asset is given to understand, but Steve's waiting for him to "recover." To turn [back?] into someone else. And that's (a) hurtful, and (b) not going to happen.
Up to you how it turns out! Is Steve able to accept that the Asset genuinely wants to go to bed with him, even though the Asset can't actually refuse? Or is the power imbalance too inescapably fucked up for Steve to ever feel comfortable?
Re: The Asset is genuinely thrilled with his new handler
(Anonymous) 2016-03-12 12:08 am (UTC)(link)Re: The Asset is genuinely thrilled with his new handler
(Anonymous) 2016-03-12 06:23 am (UTC)(link)I guess maybe the counterargument is that the Asset doesn't see it as a major violation of his autonomy? As in, it's not that different from following a chain of command or offering a handshake? (You might enjoy some handshakes more than others, but it's still a social expectation.) And in a way, the asset *did* choose Steve as his handler...
Re: The Asset is genuinely thrilled with his new handler
(Anonymous) 2016-03-12 06:58 am (UTC)(link)At some point, Steve is denying Bucky more autonomy by refusing to accept that he wants what he wants than he is by ~protecting~ him from it.
Re: The Asset is genuinely thrilled with his new handler
(Anonymous) 2016-03-12 08:47 am (UTC)(link)Re: The Asset is genuinely thrilled with his new handler
(Anonymous) 2016-03-12 12:56 pm (UTC)(link)Re: The Asset is genuinely thrilled with his new handler
(Anonymous) 2016-03-12 04:07 pm (UTC)(link)Re: The Asset is genuinely thrilled with his new handler
(Anonymous) 2016-03-12 09:06 pm (UTC)(link)Re: The Asset is genuinely thrilled with his new handler
(Anonymous) 2016-03-14 01:41 am (UTC)(link)Re: The Asset is genuinely thrilled with his new handler
(Anonymous) 2016-03-12 07:46 am (UTC)(link)Re: The Asset is genuinely thrilled with his new handler
(Anonymous) 2016-03-12 12:41 pm (UTC)(link)Re: The Asset is genuinely thrilled with his new handler
(Anonymous) 2016-03-12 03:45 pm (UTC)(link)In the first of these wonderful stories, as the author explains in her notes, Bucky is "currently experiencing zero libido and zero attraction. He is, however, almost aggressively enthusiastic about wanting to participate in sex with Steve, as a form of intimacy and because he wants to give Steve pleasure." As Bucky himself tells Steve, "I need to do something for you. I need to be good for something." Whereas I'm picturing an Asset who wants to participate in sex with Steve because Steve's so hot it's probably illegal in like five states, and the Asset is pretty excited about the possibility of Steve touching his dick. (And yes okay Steve's also a great person and the Asset totally loves and respects him, if you want to get all sappy about it.)
In the second story, Bucky offers Steve a stun baton and suggests that Steve rape him with it. ("Oftentimes, when handlers are upset or stressed, they feel better after they fuck me or punish me." Bucky handed over the stun baton. "Here, Steve. You can start with this, if your cock isn't ready just yet.") Not gonna lie, this dynamic is among my FAVORITE, and I adore this story - and if any potential fillers wanted to start things out in similar vein, I'd be all about that. :D But my thought for this prompt is that the Asset comes to see Steve pretty clearly, and that not wanting to brutalize someone who can't fight back (i.e., being a decent human being) is just the beginning of what makes Steve who he is, what makes him a person for whom the Asset feels genuine sexual desire.
Re: The Asset is genuinely thrilled with his new handler
(Anonymous) 2016-03-12 03:47 pm (UTC)(link)Mini-fill [1a/2] Re: The Asset is genuinely thrilled with his new handler
(Anonymous) 2016-03-18 09:58 pm (UTC)(link)--------
It took 15 days before the Asset decided to turn himself in to Captain Rogers and the Avengers. In that time, he had watched enough videos and read enough books to ascertain that Captain Rogers was his original handler.
It only took Steve 1 day to completely confuse the Asset's expectations about handlers: he did everything backwards from all the other handlers that the Asset has had.
The first thing he did backwards, was to insist that the Asset call him "Steve" instead of by title or command structure. He asked the Asset what he preferred to be called. He vaguely remembered that when Steve was his original handler, he was called Sergeant, but also listed off some previous nicknames -- Soldier, Soldat, Winter, Asset, Hound, Puppy, Fucktoy, Thing, Freak. Steve frowned and said "How about James? If you don't feel comfortable being Bucky just yet, let's go with that." James sounded like a person name, and not an assignation of the Asset's station. How was the Asset supposed to figure out what it meant to be a "James"? The Asset frowned, but a handler's decisions were always correct.
The rest of the day had been equally backwards. Steve sent him to doctors who didn't hurt him. Instead of bit gags and restraints they wanted him to sit or stand wherever he felt comfortable, and to talk. For lunch he was ordered to sit at a table with everyone else on the Avengers team and eat the same food that they did. When his stomach made a mistake, he wasn't ordered to lick it off the ground, or have his table privileges revoked and sent to the basement for tube feeding. Instead, Steve helped him clean up the mess and then *he* apologized for not checking the Asset's permitted diet ahead of time.
In the afternoon, the training regimen that Steve assigned to the Asset was similarly backwards. Instead of first breaking his ankle and then ordering him to fight to the point of collapse, and then finally strapped to some wires for testing and repair, the Asset was first strapped to some wires, and told to fight until the *first* sign of pain. It was very confusingly painless.
Soon, it was the end of the day, and the Asset had discovered that as James, he hadn't been on his knees once, nor had he been restrained or in pain. There was a strange sensation along his spine. After some assessment, he determined that it was a relaxation of muscles. He was curious to see what would happen when he was alone with his handler. He's had handlers before who were one way in front of others, and another way when alone.
After dinner, he followed Steve to his quarters to await his evening assignment. Some handlers preferred the Asset to behave a certain way in private (naked, or always smiling, or barking, or merely attentive unless spoken to,) and while it's standard for the Asset to be in close proximity to his handler to easily satisfy their needs in the evening, different handlers had different ideas of which part of the floor the Asset could occupy. A part of the Asset was intrigued by how Steve could possibly do this part backwards. Maybe the Asset would be ordered to stay off the floor altogether, and to keep to the couch or the bed?
It turned out that the Asset was given full access to all of Steve's apartment, and was even assigned quarters of his own, that was equal in amenities and size to Steve's own room. It was not filled with any personal items, but Steve also gave the Asset some clothing and a laptop and phone and a charge account. For personal use. The Asset was given explicit instructions to populate his room as he saw fit with personal items.
The Asset waited for Steve to give the standard orders for sexual relief, but as was the rest of this topsy-turvy day, Steve just ordered the Asset to get a good night's sleep in his room, and to provide feedback if sleeping on the bed felt weird.
That night, as the Asset lay on a bed with no pain, no restraints, and no semen in any of his orifices, he looked at his charge card had the name "James B Barnes" written on it, and decided that maybe being designated a "James" was probably a step up from being an Asset.
But he's been assigned aliases before. And there have been handlers who gave the Asset many things in the first few weeks, only to take them away later. So the Asset would wait and observe. Follow orders and see just how good a handler Steve was.
-----
On the 61st day, the Asset decided that it was mostly safe to be James. None of the treatment from the first day had changed. Unlike with HYDRA, the missions to non-mission time was reversed, and the non-mission time was not filled with tests and mind wipes.
His non-mission assignment from Steve was to write down everything that he could remember. Remembering was easy -- he could remember every bullet he shot, every time he'd been cut open, and every handler's preferences. He could even remember what things brought relief (completing a mission, a reward from a handler), and what things brought pain (most other things), so he wrote those down, too.
Writing those down made James realize that his time with Steve as his handler was mostly filled with relief. He began to seek out activities that made him feel more relief. Morning Tai Chi with old Chinese women in the park. Afternoon Russian tea time with the Widow. Target practice with Barton. Logistical support for Ms. Potts. 3am lab time with Stark. Relief.
And through it all, Steve had been the best handler that James could ask for: giving enough instructions to make James feel supported, arranging painless doctor's visits and missions, accepting any of James' mistakes without doling out punishment.
------
On the night of the 61st day was when James discovered that he had not been a proper Asset.
He'd just gotten back to the apartment from Stark's lab, it was 2am, when he heard a distressed noise from Steve's room.
His handler needed his help. But Steve's room was also closed. He knelt by the door and listened as best as his heightened senses would allow. Sounds of irregular breathing, tossing and turning. Steve was having a nightmare. "Bucky, no!" His handler, who has been the best handler he'd ever had, is having a nightmare, and James is stuck on the other side of the door.
Over the next few days, James noted other ways that he'd been underperforming as an Asset, as marked in tiny frowns that marred Steve's perfect face.
Every time he turned in a new notebook of memories to Steve, he would flip through and frown, before putting on a smile and telling James that he'd done a good job.
On missions and training sessions, James would follow Steve's orders perfectly, but even so, sometimes Steve would say, "You didn't have to do that, James."
When preparing meals, Steve would look up at James and ask "and what do you think?" James always deferred to Steve, but Steve would still frown despite the deference.
Conclusions: (a) Steve was dissatisfied with some aspect of James' performance. (b) Steve was too kind of a handler to tell James directly. (c) James would have to figure it out for himself.
Upon assessing his major duties as an Asset, the answer was clear: James had not been providing Steve with proper sexual relief.
James felt a prickle of excitement. This was the opposite of the tension and pain that typically came with serving this part of his Asset duties. Steve probably never asked because he did everything backwards. And since Steve did everything backwards, the sex itself would probably be pleasurable not only to the handler, but also to James. And just to show what a topsy-turvy life he now lived as an Asset to Steve, James felt his cock reacting in *anticipation.*
All this time, James had been waiting for Steve to issue the order, but Steve was a handler who appreciated initiative. Steve was waiting for James to make the first move.
Re: Mini-fill [1b/2] Re: The Asset is genuinely thrilled with his new handler
(Anonymous) 2016-03-18 10:00 pm (UTC)(link)--------
Steve's head was full of the day's meetings when he got back home, so it took him a moment to notice that something was different.
Bucky was sitting on the couch. Naked. Smiling at him shyly. "Hi there, Steve." Steve stopped short.
"Bu...James, what are you doing?" Steve tried not to blush, and quickly looked in a safer direction -- the kitchen counters. But it was already too late -- he'd already seen Bucky's perfectly toned muscles, and his memory was already replaying everything in high definition. Bucky's shoulders are broader now than before, but it's the same thin line of hair down Bucky's abdomen, and his cock, still the same eagerness as that summer of 1939...
From his peripheral vision Steve saw Bucky approaching him from behind, walking with that familiar easy saunter until he got unbearably close. "Steve..." He reached out one hand to wrap around Steve's shoulder, and another reach around to gently cup Steve's crotch. "... I'm ready for you." Bucky murmured into Steve's ear. Steve blushed harder as he felt himself already hard under Bucky's grasp, as he felt Bucky's hard cock teasing him from behind. Steve couldn't help moaning a bit and leaning into Bucky's arms. Steve turned around so that his lips could reach Bucky's eager mouth... and found himself staring into the Asset's eyes.
Wait. This is wrong. He'd almost.... Steve stepped back in horror, leaving Bucky standing there, one arm still up. Bucky was still flushed from the embrace, but he quickly composed himself. "What did I do wrong, Steve?" He looked pointedly at Steve's still-hard cock. "I thought you wanted this."
Steve took a few slow breaths. "Bu... James. I... it's just a physical reaction." He gestured weakly before pulling out a chair and sitting down at the kitchen table. "I... I shouldn't."
Bucky quirked an eyebrow and sat down in the chair opposite. "I don't understand, Steve." Bucky always said Steve's name with a small pause, as if he were saying Sir. "You've been unhappy with my performance and lack of initiative, and I thought you'd like it if I offered sexual relief instead of waiting for your command."
The rest of Steve's erection was gone, now. "Waiting for my *command*?" As if Steve needed more proof that Bucky's not ready for sex with anyone, much less Steve. Articles about command rape kept scrolling through Steve's head.
Bucky shrugged. "Well, most handlers would have just ordered me on the first day, so when you didn't, I thought you just weren't interested." He gave Steve's crotch another forlorn look. "But then I figured maybe it was because you were such a good and patient handler in other ways, you were waiting for *me* to make the first move."
Waiting on Bucky, yes. But not in that way. Waiting for Bucky's memories to come back a bit more. Waiting for the Asset mentality to be less dominant.
"What did I do wrong, Steve? It was going good for you. Your body indicated that it was pleasurable for you..." Bucky looked at Steve with renewed determination. "I want to make it good for you, Steve. Did you want something more traditional?" Bucky got on his knees and his face instantly changed to one of utter submission. "Please, Steve?" He was looking at Steve, eyes timid but full of lust.
Steve gulped. Everything about this went straight to his dick, but that's not right. Steve closed his eyes and reminded himself that Bucky's faking this -- Bucky doesn't remember what they had before the war. And if Bucky can't decide what to have for dinner, there's no way Bucky can decide to have sex.
He put on his best Handler voice. "James. Sit back up in the chair."
A part of him wished that Bucky didn't comply so readily. But... "James, sex, for me, is more than just a physical reaction. I ... I can take care of the physical stuff myself just fine."
"But what if I *want* to be the one to take care of it for you?" Bucky looked rather insistent. Steve sighed internally -- his therapist warned him about the faun response and eagerness to please.
"That's not the point. The point is that ... well, you'd do anything I order you to, right?"
"Of course, you're my handler. But you've been so good about..."
"And so if I ordered you to, say, have sex with Sam, or the whole team, you would."
"Of course, it's part of my operation parameters. But with you it's different because..." Bucky blushed.
"Because I'm your handler?"
"Yes. You're the best handler."
Steve marveled at the amount of blind loyalty HYDRA had managed to train into Bucky.
"So that's why. I can't do this to you. You need to feel like you can say no to me."
"But you're the best handler and I don't want to say no to you..." Bucky is frowning at what the asset part of his brain perceived to be a logical impossibility.
Steve scratched his head. Even though it's been two months, Bucky still needed constant reassurances that he's not in trouble. It's still too early for this conversation. "Later, James. Let's pick this up again when you're a bit more recovered, when you've got more of your memories back." Steve took a deep breath. "Now, how about some dinner?"
* * * * *
The clock next to James' bed said 02:14.
James replayed Steve's words to him yet another time. Steve always said things like "recovered" and "getting your memories back." James knew what Steve really meant though: it was code for "Steve misses Bucky."
James grimaced. Bucky. Ugh. Steve was always saying things like "Do you remember back when..." or sometimes Steve would make some sort of food and look at James expectantly. James would always shrug and eat the food and tell Steve that it tasted good. That generally caused Steve to return to a normal state. Remembering Bucky Barnes made Steve unstable, and a poor handler. Steve would not have been captured by Commander Rumlow if he hadn't remembered Bucky Barnes. Remembering Bucky Barnes made Steve make sub-par food with no flavors. Remembering Bucky Barnes caused Steve to have nightmares.
But... if being Bucky Barnes meant that Steve would look at him the way he did today -- like he was the best thing that happened to Steve -- maybe James could pretend to be Bucky. Even if it's just for a few hours.
After all, Steve was the best thing that happened to James. And until today, until the moment James felt Steve's cock twitch and nipples harden under his hands, James didn't know how much he *wanted* Steve. Steve relaxed and trembling from arousal. Steve reaching orgasm on him, in him, with him. Handlers of the past wanted many things from James' body -- pain, obedience, lust, but never pleasure. But today, Steve showed James how intoxicating it was to have his own pleasure stir up a complementary reaction in his handler. The way his cock hardened and heart rate elevated from the feeling of Steve's cock and vice versa... James wanted more of that.
Steve clearly had the same need. Just with Bucky, not James.
James sighed. It's not that he didn't remember things that Bucky said or did with Steve. Most of it just seemed so ... irrelevant. James understood the mission-relevant parts, like the relief Bucky felt when he saved Steve from harm, or where Bucky had actual missions against HYDRA. But the rest of it had neither pain nor relief, just endless undirected actions. There were even some memories of sex with Steve, but there wasn't the same *want* in those memories as he felt now. Bucky didn't appreciate reciprocal pleasure, because he hadn't had the years of pain that James experienced.
A chilling thought came to James: it won't just be a few hours of pretending. Steve's too smart and would see through that. And no matter what arousal Steve's body felt, Steve would hold back and *wait*. He's looking for "recovery." He wants a Bucky who "has his memories back." Steve didn't want to be a handler who had sex with his asset, Steve wanted to have a relationship with Bucky.
James hesitated. If he pretended to be Bucky Barnes, it might have to be a permanent thing. Bucky felt about things differently from James. Bucky would not do tai chi in the park in the mornings. Would Bucky have tea with Natasha and argue about Khruschev's taste in literature? Probably not. Instead Bucky would drink coffee and argue with Steve about baseball.
Was becoming Bucky worth it? To be allowed into Steve's bedroom and properly protect Steve, to erase Steve's small frowns. To see Steve orgasm as he shouts Bucky's name.
The clock by the bed now said 05:20. James turned over. He needed sleep, and he needed advice.
Re: Mini-fill [2/2] Re: The Asset is genuinely thrilled with his new handler
(Anonymous) 2016-03-18 10:01 pm (UTC)(link)Anger. Steve responds well to anger. Plus it'd make the conversation shorter, and afterwards she can reward herself by going costume shopping with Pepper. On cue, the elevator door slides open and before Steve could even look up from the couch where he's sketching, she starts with, "Steve, what the fuck happened? You need to stop being a jerk to James."
Steve put down his sketchbook instantly. "What did I do? What's wrong with Bucky?"
Briefly Natasha wondered if James knew that Steve still called him Bucky when he's not around. "JAMES is currently at my place, twitching over a pile of books about Bucky Barnes." Leave it to James to find the one non-digital library in the entire tower. Probably courtesy of Stark Sr.
"Books about Bucky? But why would he need that?"
Natasha let her anger show. "He told me you preferred Bucky. And for you, he's willing to erase what he's become just so that he can be."
"But .... I didn't..." Steve was all confusion. Natasha waited for Steve's brain to catch up. "Oh wait. THAT."
Steve was ... blushing? Curious. Natasha leaned against the counter, picked up an apple, and bit into it. A good way to defuse confrontations and ease into awkward conversations. "Well?"
Steve blushed harder. "So last night I got home and Bucky, he was naked. And he... he made a show of wanting it. Anyways, I reacted before I realized that he was still thinking of me as his handler." Judging by Steve's uncomfortable stance, Natasha could imagine what Steve meant by "reacted."
"It's okay, though. I put a stop to it once I realized that he was faking it for my benefit." Steve scratched his head. "And I called him James the whole time, so that shouldn't have caused any identity confusion." Steve picked up his phone. "Maybe I should confirm with Dr. Weiss..."
Nat sighed and stopped him. "Steve, Dr. Weiss isn't going to help here. There's things that she doesn't have personal experience with. There's two things that *you* need to consider." She relaxed her face a little, and Steve must have understood what he saw there, because he nodded and sat down on the couch to listen.
Natasha took a slow breath to brace herself. She's not good at coming at the truth head on, but it's what Steve needs. "One, that James isn't Bucky, and two, that James isn't faking it."
"But I *always* call him James. And the consent issues at this stage..." Steve takes it just as poorly as she'd expected, but at least the cards are on the table now.
Natasha sighed. "Steve, I've seen the way you look at James. The way you keep expecting him to remember, to suddenly start sliding into the right accent and making the right jokes. You keep calling him James and expecting him to be Bucky. And James isn't stupid. You don't survive what he has without being able to read people's real desires."
Steve bit his lip. "Well, Buc... he's recovering from being the Asset. He's getting more memories back every day. The other day he looked up Coney Island on a map, and when he laughed at Thor's joke he sounded just like..."
"That's exactly it, Steve -- you keep thinking of James as some temporary form in-between the Asset and Bucky. To me, he just sounds like James when he laughs." Steve opened his mouth, then closed it again. Natasha pushed forward. "James is his own person. He's what's survived after what HYDRA's done to him." She felt the scars and empty spaces in her own self as she said this. "As James recovers, he's going to become more James, not more Bucky."
Steve frowned and bit his lip. Natasha could tell this was going to take some processing for him, but at least he's taking the idea seriously.
"But *if* he's James, if he's going to keep treating me like his handler, letting me make all the decisions, from food to missions to which doctors he sees..."
"... How can he possibly want sex for himself?" Natasha chose to go for rueful instead of wistful. "Because consent doesn't work the same way with people like us."
Steve's jaw drops again. "Nat, I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." Natasha allows herself a little internal smile. Vulnerability hurts, being truthful hurts, but it works.
"Sex for us is... different. Me and the Red Room, him and HYDRA ... when you've been taken apart and pieced back together that many times, you don't really see bodies and consent in the same way. For me, it's a tool, a weapon I can use to take down an enemy. For James, who was turned into a weapon himself -- it's just an additional function or feature that he can offer. That he *wants* to offer to you."
Natasha could tell that this isn't working. Steve's life was about about choosing. Choosing to fight against his sicknesses. Choosing to be an experimental subject. Choosing to pilot a plane into the Arctic. Choosing to take down all of SHIELD. The only thing he didn't choose was his defrosting, and look how well he coped with that. Steve's firm belief in everyone's right to choose is what makes him a good man and Captain America, but it's making Natasha's message harder to process.
Already Steve is making protesting noises. "But doesn't that make it even *more* important that I let him reclaim that? He feels obligated to have sex with his handlers. That is duress, not desire. I can't do that to him. He needs to be able to choose for himself..."
"He *is*, Steve. As best as he can. Except that right now you're making him choose between staying James and the chance to have sex with you. And that's the shittiest choice of all. Don't you realize..." Natasha cut herself off before she truly lost control. Just because she knows how hard it is to find something of oneself amidst a maze of names and identities and missions doesn't mean she should take it out on Steve.
She sighed and got up to leave, tossing the apple core in the trash. "I have a date with Pepper." She needed to get out before all her insides exploded. "Just... go talk to him, okay? Talk to him as James, the man who chose to come to you when he could have gone anywhere after Insight. He's still at my place if you want to go right now."
Natasha managed to wait for the elevator door to close before slumping down and shivering. She can't picture loving someone enough to give up everything that she'd made of herself these last few years. Hopefully she'd gotten to Steve enough for him to stop it.
* * * * *
Steve waited a while before going out to find Bucky... er, James. Natasha was right -- it's unfair for him to treat James as just an unfortunate byproduct on the way to a fully recovered Bucky. After all, Steve himself wasn't the same person he was back in 1944. Still, just because his brain told him the rational behavior for the situation didn't make it easy for him to accept that the Bucky of his memories is just ... gone. To look at all the things that James does and *not* see it as flickers of *his* Bucky.
But James is *his*, too. It's not Steve and Bucky, best friends on the playground and the battlefield. It's Steve and James, handler and asset. And he owed it to James to at the very least, be a good handler. Well, duty calls.
Steve stepped into Natasha's living room just as James came out of her shower.
"You... you cut your hair." It looked exactly like Bucky's haircut from the war. It looked odd juxtaposed with James' scarred body.
"I figured it was time. Makes me feel more like my old self." Steve winced at the careful way that James replicated Bucky's accent and nonchalance from the 40s. Natasha was right. This feels all wrong. James is quieter, outwardly more submissive and restrained. James wouldn't saunter over and drape himself over the couch in a thin towel like this. James' eyes had a steely quality to them that Steve didn't realize he missed until he got pegged with one of Bucky's classic lazy come-hither glances. "You were right last night, Steve -- I need to get better before we can get back to the way we were."
And he was the one who pushed James to this.
He walked over and sat down gingerly on the other end of the couch. "James... you don't have to pretend to be Bucky for me."
A bit of James' nervous look slipped into his expression before he turned back to the half-lidded charm. "What do you mean, Stevie? I just recovered a big chunk of my memories. You want me to prove it to you? Ask me anything about that time."
"James... I'm sorry about what I said last night. Nat came to talk to me. About how I should stop expecting you to be Bucky."
There was a momentary silence as Steve stared awkwardly ahead and felt James' eyes bore into his head.
"You... you mean it this time." As James' voice lost the heavy Brooklyn, Steve let go of a breath he didn't realize he was holding.
Steve reached over and took James' hands. "I'm sorry, James. I kept looking for Bucky that I haven't been a good handler to *you*." Steve looked into James' cautious but assessing eyes, and thought about all the little ways that James expressed his love for Steve. The way James trusted Steve to make the right decisions at mealtimes. The way James let Steve read his memories in a literal open book. The way James put himself in harm's way to make sure Steve stayed safe on missions. Steve found himself smiling. This new relationship is just as deep as the old one, he just hadn't let himself see it for what it was. "Thank you, James, for always being here for me. You're the best asset a handler could have."
James sat up straight, then, his eyes soft and ... happy. Steve hadn't seen James this pleased before, and seeing that made Steve feel surprisingly happy, too. For the past two months, being a handler felt like a burden, something that he had to push through to get Bucky to a healthy mental state. But to care for James, to love him and trust him and help him -- that is a pleasure. A duty, certainly, but something he *wanted* to do.
Steve reached over and pulled James into a gentle embrace, and chuckled as James nuzzled eagerly into his shoulder. "About last night -- it'll take time for us to figure out what you and I actually want from each other. But in the meantime, don't stop being James, all right?" James responded by tentatively nibbling on Steve's neck, which sent a tingle straight down Steve's spine. Maybe obligation and desire don't have to be mutually exclusive after all.
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(Anonymous) 2016-03-19 06:37 pm (UTC)(link)It's such a great, fresh take on James's relationship to Bucky. Bucky. Ugh. This person who prefers coffee to tea and baseball to Russian literature and didn't appreciate reciprocal pleasure, because he hadn't had the years of pain that James experienced. I love that, instead of seeing himself as somehow less than the person he used to be, James sees himself as having a greater capacity for pleasure. And that he accepts and acknowledges and seems to basically like who he is, even as he prepares to erase that person because Steve misses his friend.
AND THEN the way that Steve hurts James - not by responding to him sexually, or taking advantage, but by continuing to think of him as someone he's not. The way that James is always Bucky when it's Steve's perspective is simultaneously brilliant and heartbreaking. YAY NAT for telling Steve to get his head out of his ass. (The way you write her is just perfect - the performance of it, the distance, the cool and calculated selection of anger as opposed to exasperation or worry because it will be the most effective. The way she allows herself to be vulnerable and honest because it works - while at the same time, the conversation really does get to her.) She gets right to the heart of the matter: when you've been taken apart and pieced back together that many times, you don't really see bodies and consent in the same way. And that's okay! Or, it's not okay, possibly it will never be okay, but it's the truth.
Steve's acceptance of James at the end, his willingness to let Bucky go, just slayed me. You're the best asset a handler could have. MY HEART. And James's happiness to be loved, to be kept, to be understood. <333 Thank you so much!
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(Anonymous) 2016-03-19 11:50 pm (UTC)(link)I had a lot of fun figuring out how a stable Asset personality would work -- someone who still considered himself as an asset that belonged to a handler, but also was actively in love and enthusiastic about sex. It's an interesting circle to square, so thank you especially for a chance to play around with those ideas! I really like the way this James turned out. :3 ("Bucky, ugh" indeed. While writing this I kept thinking about emilyenrose's Memory with that beautiful line about how "[Bucky's] the one who became the Winter Soldier. He's the one who stopped.") I... I have a lot of Winter Soldier recovery feels.
Thank you so much, too, for noticing James' evolving personhood. It's particularly important to me, the way he comes out of his shell and starts having more emotional range and becoming more assertive. :D I'm not a wordsmithy type who can evoke emotion through word images, so for me it's always been about pronouns/names and asking myself questions like whether Bucky in his current state would comprehend the term "sadness".
And I'm super glad that Nat's part worked for you! It was actually my first time writing Nat POV -- I'd actually started it as Steve POV, but then I was like "I love Nat too much to consign her to third party status again." (◡‿◡✿)
Once again, thanks for the EXCELLENT prompt. <333
Re: Mini-fill [2/2] Re: The Asset is genuinely thrilled with his new handler
(Anonymous) 2016-03-20 12:12 am (UTC)(link)Yeah, that part was hard. I think Steve, up to the point of walking out of the elevator, wasn't quite ready to accept James and give up on Bucky. After all, he'd spent all these years thinking about Bucky. But between Nat's talk and actually seeing "live and in technicolor" what it meant to have his Bucky back -- *that* was the moment when he realizes that (a) James is his own person, (b) his relationship with James is also valuable, and (c) maybe a perfect facsimile of Bucky wasn't what he wanted after all. At the heart of it, Steve is a selfless person, so once he realizes what's happening -- it's just not something that he can do to James. That's SOOO much worse than ordering James to have sex with him. And if it means consigning Bucky to the past ... well, them's the breaks.
(One of the things that always gets to me about Steve is both how selfish and how selfless he is. ugh Steve feels.)
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