hydratrashmeme | Dumpster #4: I Don't See How That's a Party

Okay, kids, you know the drill. Don't be a jerk except to fictional characters. Warn if you want, but read at your own risk, because

hydratrashmeme is about as far from a safe space as you can get. Garbage we like: noncon, whump, aftermath, violence, mind control, inappropriate uses of Bucky Barnes' metal arm, bad guys doing dirtybadwrong things to your faves. Garbage you should find a different trashcan for: a/b/o, D/s-verse, soulbonds, mundane AUs, OOC evil!good guys doing dirtybadwrong things to your faves, rotting leftovers dressed up as a romantic gourmet meal. Nothing wrong with 'em, but this isn't the crowd you should be pitching to if you're trying to sell Brock Rumlow as anything but a human dumpster fire.

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Christmas passes. The Howlies don’t make a big fuss about it. They’re narrowing in on Zola’s location. The SSR tells them Zola will be traveling to Switzerland soon, and the best time to intercept him will be while he’s in transit. They make camp near the base of Piz Buin in the Austrian Alps. They stay there for several days.

Bucky stands closer to Steve. He knocks shoulders with him in a show of good-humored posturing for the other men. Steve waits in vain for Bucky to come to his tent, or to invite Steve into his. He reminds himself how hard Bucky is trying. How, soon, they’ll have all the time in the world to try together.

They get the message on December 31st. Zola’s train will pass through the following morning. Steve and the Howlies talk strategy all day. According to Monty’s calculations, double-checked by Jim and Bucky, only three of them can zipline onto the train in time. Even then, it’ll be risky. Steve will lead, of course, but there’s a discussion about who will accompany him. It comes down to Bucky, Gabe, and Dum Dum. Then Gabe and Dum Dum. Gabe narrowly beats Dum Dum in an arm-wrestling contest and wins the third spot.

They celebrate the New Year that night. Jacques passes around his carefully guarded flask. Bucky hums “Auld Lang Syne” in Steve’s ear until Steve tells him to quit it. Dum Dum starts talking to Gabe again, and by midnight they’ve got their arms over each other’s shoulders, singing along with Bucky by the fire.

“There’s no way any of you are drunk enough for this,” Steve teases.

“Like you would know, Cap,” Bucky shoots back.

Monty and Jim join the song. Steve’s pretty sure they’ve forgotten some of the verses.

“We two have run about the hills and pulled the daisies fine- ”

Jacques offers his flask to Steve. Steve waves it away. There’s not much, no need to waste it on him. Jacques takes another swig and joins the song, looking expectantly at Steve.

“But seas between us broad have roared since long, long ago- ”

Steve joins the chorus with a smile. He watches his friends enjoy themselves. He watches Bucky beside him, his face illuminated in firelight. He’s grinning. It’s beautiful.

“For auld lang syne!”

Bucky comes to Steve’s tent later. He lets Steve hold him for a little while. Not nearly long enough, but they have to sleep. They have to be sharp for the mission ahead. Bucky kisses Steve goodbye and lets Steve squeeze his hand. It’s enough for now. It’s enough, because it has to be.

His body is big, and strong, and fast. It’s everything he’d ever wanted. The constant pain he’d felt from childhood is gone, and he never wanted to feel it again.

Except there’s a new pain now, and this pain is worse. So much worse. Steve wants to howl from it.

He wants his old pain back. He bargains with any deity that will listen. His old pain for this new one. His old body for this new one. Anything, everything, for the feeling of Bucky’s hand clutched securely in Steve’s and pulled into the safety of his arms.

There was only air in his hand. Cold, howling air that couldn’t deafen Bucky’s scream as he fell. Steve hates that every memory he has of Bucky will now be overshadowed by the echo of that scream.

This body is big, strong, and fast, but it’s wrong. It’s a lie. It’s not good enough. It wasn’t good enough to save Bucky. It wasn’t good enough to find what was left of him in the snowy river valley. It can’t even get drunk to numb him from this new pain.

Once they’d got Zola, the SSR extracted them by air to London. Phillips is interrogating the doctor. Hydra’s days are numbered. Steve sits in the bombed-out shell of the pub where Bucky foolishly promised to follow him. Back when Steve didn’t know or understand.

Goddammit, why can’t he get drunk?

Peggy saves him. His other friends don’t know what to do or say, but she does. She reminds him of his duty. He has an obligation. He has a purpose.

He can avenge.

Once, Steve didn’t want to kill anybody. Squids, Nazis, or any combination of the two. That’s changed. Hydra dimmed Bucky’s light. Then it took him away from Steve. It wants to do the same to the rest of the world. Steve’s going to burn it down and salt the ashes. All he’ll leave of Schmidt will be a red smear.

He doesn’t think about after. As far as he was concerned, after was Bucky. After was all the time in the world to be together. There is no after for him anymore.

He knows better than to think life could ever be fair, but the injustice of it all sucks the breath from his lungs like he’s back in his old body. Bucky had been trying so hard. He’d come so far. He’d loved Steve so much.

He’d screamed with so much fear as he fell to his death.

For that, Steve’s going to kill them all. He doesn't care if that's wrong.

*

When it’s over, Peggy tries to save him again. She tries, but Steve’s beyond saving.

She cries for him over the radio. He’s touched, and he regrets causing her pain. She doesn’t deserve this, any more than Bucky deserved anything that was inflicted on him. At least they can’t hurt him any further.

Steve’s not sure if there’s an afterlife. He thinks probably not, but if there is, he’ll be there soon. Bucky will slap him on the back of the head, call him an idiot, and then Steve will hold him and never let him go.

There’s light on the horizon, gleaming off the water and ice where Steve is guiding the plane to crash. It’s a different kind of light than the one that consumed Schmidt while Steve shielded his eyes. It’s a beautiful light sparkling in the blue. It looks familiar. It looks like home. It looks like all the time in the world.

There’s a faint smile on Steve’s lips as he closes his eyes and lets the darkness take him.

End

* * * * *

(A/N) I wanted to thank everyone who left a comment. I read over them many times. I'm sorry I broke your hearts (but also pleased with myself for it). If it's any consolation, I broke my own heart several times while writing this.

Thanks to everyone who stuck with my trash! I'm curious to know what you think of the ending.

This was absolutely beautiful, author!anon. Hot, sad, and beautiful. Good job. :3

This was such a lovely, sad story! Especially this:

At least they can’t hurt him any further.

T_T

[BEACHED WHALE NOISES]

You brought it right back around to the beginning beautifully, here.

I loved the line He can avenge. because that's what Steve does, and what he becomes, even though it'll be seventy-odd years before he formally gets the title of Avenger.

Steve crashing the plane into the ice was sad, but you showed how Steve was at peace with his decision. It was also a tiny bit hopeful, because Steve is thinking he's going to see Bucky again. We all know that he will, but not in the way Steve expects.

This has been an amazing read, from start to finish. Thank you so much for putting in the time and effort to write it.

It looks like all the time in the world.

This is just achingly beautiful and sad. Gorgeous, gorgeous work. I loved this story from start to (perfect) finish.

This was beautiful, thank you.

Ugh *cries* break my heart why don't you

That was so beautifully done. Thank you

The little new year's celebration was so sweet.

This line just broke my heart: Bucky kisses Steve goodbye and lets Steve squeeze his hand. Neither of them knows it's the last goodbye, yet.

Dumpster #4: I Don't See How That's a Party

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