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hydratrashmeme2016-08-20 05:45 pm
trashmod) wrote in hydratrashmeme2016-08-20 05:45 pm
Dumpster #4: I Don't See How That's a Party
Okay, kids, you know the drill. Don't be a jerk except to fictional characters. Warn if you want, but read at your own risk, because hydratrashmeme is about as far from a safe space as you can get. Garbage we like: noncon, whump, aftermath, violence, mind control, inappropriate uses of Bucky Barnes' metal arm, bad guys doing dirtybadwrong things to your faves. Garbage you should find a different trashcan for: a/b/o, D/s-verse, soulbonds, mundane AUs, OOC evil!good guys doing dirtybadwrong things to your faves, rotting leftovers dressed up as a romantic gourmet meal. Nothing wrong with 'em, but this isn't the crowd you should be pitching to if you're trying to sell Brock Rumlow as anything but a human dumpster fire.
Link your fills on the fill post, post unprompted fills as replies to a header comment so the wall o' text is collapsible, and let me know if you're interested in helping out with the Pinboard archive.
[Rules in full] [Round 1] [Round 2] [Round 3] [Fill post] [Chatter post] [hydratrashmeme Pinboard archive (maintained bygreenkirtle)] [Round 4 in flat view (comments in non-threaded chronological order, most recent last)]
All prompts or fills that contain Infinity War spoilers must go on the Infinity War spoiler post until May 26th. Spoilers in the main dumpsters will be deleted.
Round 4 is closed; comments and fills in existing threads are still welcome, but all new prompts go to Round 5.
hydratrashmeme is about as far from a safe space as you can get. Garbage we like: noncon, whump, aftermath, violence, mind control, inappropriate uses of Bucky Barnes' metal arm, bad guys doing dirtybadwrong things to your faves. Garbage you should find a different trashcan for: a/b/o, D/s-verse, soulbonds, mundane AUs, OOC evil!good guys doing dirtybadwrong things to your faves, rotting leftovers dressed up as a romantic gourmet meal. Nothing wrong with 'em, but this isn't the crowd you should be pitching to if you're trying to sell Brock Rumlow as anything but a human dumpster fire.Link your fills on the fill post, post unprompted fills as replies to a header comment so the wall o' text is collapsible, and let me know if you're interested in helping out with the Pinboard archive.
[Rules in full] [Round 1] [Round 2] [Round 3] [Fill post] [Chatter post] [hydratrashmeme Pinboard archive (maintained by
greenkirtle)] [Round 4 in flat view (comments in non-threaded chronological order, most recent last)]All prompts or fills that contain Infinity War spoilers must go on the Infinity War spoiler post until May 26th. Spoilers in the main dumpsters will be deleted.
Round 4 is closed; comments and fills in existing threads are still welcome, but all new prompts go to Round 5.
FILL: Daybreak part 14c/15 Re: Identity Porn in captivity
(Anonymous) 2018-05-26 09:26 am (UTC)(link)He couldn’t stop thinking about the bone-weary, wounded look of betrayal on Steve’s face when the Soldier’d made him come. Why had he done that? He couldn’t even tell if he’d been trying to hurt him, or control him, or remind him of something. To punish him for trusting him at all, or maybe it had just been a purely selfish impulse gone horribly wrong, trying to make an ugly thing better. But it was done now. Steve knew the truth.
There was nothing left to do but wait for the culling.
Surely, they’d purge Steve from his mind, from this earth, and he would return to his work blanketed in the fog of ignorance he’d called home for so many years. This excruciating exercise in futility, this nonsensical power struggle, would end. He continued through his normal routine with the certainty of his deserved fate hanging over him, as well as the uncertainty of Steve’s.
And then the next morning, they sent him back in. His feet dragged. With Steve all caught up and Call Me Jimmy effectively dead, there was only one reason to see him again, and he didn’t know if he could do it. He had the sense, as they shoved him along, that he was no longer a tool in this equation. He was being punished as well.
Steve was upright and stiff against the far wall when they shoved him in, but with no ruse to uphold, the Soldier kept his feet under him. He looked away quickly. The slam of the door reverberated through him like a shot. Like a volley of rifles being cocked for his execution by firing squad.
If only.
Steve, on the other hand, had no trouble looking him in the eye. It was almost like that first day they’d sent him in, when he’d held himself like a political prisoner certain of his convictions and righteousness and not like a man who’d just violently met the business end of an unlubed dick. Chin up and out defiantly, breaths even, shoulders back. Like no time had passed, like he hadn’t been dragged as low as he could go. But it was an illusion. All these weeks were written all over him, in the hollows where muscle had been and the marks that his overtaxed body could no longer heal properly and the cold anger he didn’t even try to hide. The Soldier had been changed even more thoroughly, a painful metamorphosis that he wasn’t sure his weary skeleton could even support for much longer.
Voice steady and low as the purr of an idling engine, he asked, “Are you here to violate my trust or my body? What’s it gonna be, Buck -- more lies or more rape?”
He turned around and pressed his forehead into the wall, growling in powerless frustration. Steve’s patience was endless and barbed.
Finally, he turned back. “I can’t be who you think I am,” he said quietly. “I’m not that person. I’m barely a person. You don’t understand.”
“I understand plenty. ‘They send me, I go.’ ‘He does what he’s told.’ You were honest, right at the outset.” His laugh felt wrong, like icy, slithering fingers trailing down the Soldier’s skin. “So this is what you do … when you’re not with me. What you’ve been doing all this time. Murdering and raping. You come to me stinking of sex, and that’s why.”
“Yes.”
“What you’ve been doing to me, there are others.”
He shifted, pinned in place by Steve’s stare and unable to look away now that he’d made the mistake of looking up. “I -- yes. Not exactly.”
“Not exactly.” It didn’t sound like a question, but he answered anyway.
“You were special. In a lot of ways. My orders have been different with you from the start.” He hesitated. “You’re different.”
“Not everyone got the VIP treatment? Did I get the better or worse end of that?”
He slid to the floor on his knees. Steve tracked him smoothly, not breaking contact even for a moment. “Much worse. I didn’t -- I haven’t enjoyed this. That doesn’t make it better. I know it’s selfish to point it out, like it should matter to you. But I want you to know that.”
Steve finally looked away, unreadable as always. When he looked back, shutters closing to wait out the coming storm, it was his turn to lower his gaze. “I forgive you. But I don’t want to see you right now. I understand that you can’t leave yet. That this plays out. So I’m going to turn around, and you do what you’re going to do.”
Without so much as a moment to see the impact of his words, he turned as he’d said he would, lying down flat with his face in his arms.
He was so tired. So, so tired, so ready for this to be over. They would punish him if he didn’t perform, but punishment loomed on the horizon no matter what, and regardless of whatever else might be uncertain, a wipe was imminent. Steve wouldn’t even be a memory once he was dead and the Soldier was sliding his knife into his next target. If he refused, what more could they do to him?
The answer curdled in his mouth before he’d even finished his thought. Nothing. They could do nothing to him. Nothing of consequence, nothing that would carry with him through the wipe. But they could do anything to Steve.
He couldn’t condemn Steve to whatever else they might concoct just because he’d turned squeamish. He’d already done this plenty of times before. What difference did it really make to the bloody mural of his soul to do it again? What was the point of everything else he’d done if he didn’t see this through?
The farce would continue.
He stood slowly, footsteps careful. Steve shuddered when he approached, and then he was still again.
It was cowardly to be so afraid of this exposure when Steve was naked as always below him, but he was careful as he drew his cock from his fly, certain that if he had too much skin-on-skin contact then he might shake apart and never get it up at all. As it was, just to achieve something he had to find the least blemished skin he could -- the back of Steve’s thigh, up high where it met his ass -- and slide against it, blocking out everything but the raw sensation of warmth that wasn’t his hand. Steve didn’t react.
Guilt gnawed at his throat for dragging this out, but that pitiful, selfish voice in his head, the one Steve had breathed life into, hoped that Steve could feel how difficult it was for him to get hard, how long it was taking, that he would believe how much he didn’t want this either.
Like that mattered.
It seemed to take forever, but eventually he managed, stabbing into him because being gentle could only wound more at this point. Mercy had no place here. He was mechanical, blocking out everything that wasn’t the tightness and heat clutching at him. Every time he thought he’d built up a rhythm and might get closer, he’d get distracted by a bruise here, a scar there, and have to will his treacherous mind back below the water level just to keep from slipping out entirely.
Finally, Steve shifted under him, adjusting the spread of his arms, the set of his shoulders. It unintentionally pushed his hips back against the Soldier, clenched him tighter around him for a few seconds.
His breath caught. Steve froze, tensing again before he slumped back into the pillow of his arms and swallowed loud and rough. “Did they do this to you,” he said. His voice was quiet and flat, barely real, but it vibrated up his palms where they lay against him anyway. “What you’re doing to me. Did they do this.”
He felt absurd freezing up like that, still inside him, but it was as automatic as the way his cock jumped at the sound of Steve’s voice. Empty and weak, he answered, “I don’t know.”
Steve nodded, his awkward position rocking his shoulders, too, and again, the motion of his body tugged at the Soldier, slid him deeper and made it easier. He bit his lip, shoved a little faster.
With an eerie, distant calm, Steve said, “Please don’t make me come again. I don’t want that. I felt something human in you all this time. I know it’s there. Please respect this at least, if they won’t let you respect anything else.”
Wordlessly, he pulled Steve up by his hips and got his knees under him so that the only place he had to touch him was the small of his back to steady himself. He adjusted him until the angle would be too uncomfortable for Steve to get hard from it, let alone come, and then he kept his hands to himself.
Steve pressed his face into the floor and wrapped his arms around the back of his head, leaving his weight on his elbows, and this time the Soldier let him hide.
When he finally finished, he reached without thinking to brush Steve’s too-long hair off of his neck, slipping it over his fingers.
Steve shrugged away. “Stop it,” he said tonelessly.
”Stop it,” Steve said playfully, ducking away with a grin stretching across his thin face and eyes alight with fondness. “Quit being a jerk, Bucky.”
He left quickly, pausing just long enough to watch Steve roll back up to his original position against the wall like nothing had happened, on guard and waiting.
His ears buzzed with white noise as a guard led him back to the lab, mind blank. He was insubstantial, incorporeal, floating on a wave of resignation that might as well carry him out to sea like so much chum.
The guard’s communicator buzzed halfway back. There was some kind of commotion two floors up that needed all hands. The Soldier, lost and beaten down as he was, needed no further instructions than to remand himself back to the lab, and the guard took off, certain that he would be obeyed.
The Soldier pressed his forehead into the wall, let his focus narrow to the gritty concrete scraping his skin. He was no tactician, but it seemed to him that maybe they had no goals. Maybe they just wanted Steve Rogers to suffer, and this was how they’d decided to do it. Maybe it would never end.
Finally, he dragged himself upright and wandered back to the lab. The halls were empty, everyone distracted. He’d rarely been alone here before. A few turns before the door he needed, though, he heard voices. He ignored them until Steve’s name floated out, and then he backtracked to listen.
“... why they don’t just fucking wipe him already and kill Rogers. Hand me those pliers.”
“I don’t ask questions, man. You know the long game they play.”
“But have you seen the fucking Soldier? It’s like watching a bear figure out how to load a revolver. It’s sad and creepy. He’s been out way too long.”
“You’re overtightening it. You’re gonna fucking strip it.”
“You want to do this? Be my guest. Fucking chair skeeves me out, anyway.”
Tendrils of dread clenched in the Soldier’s gut. They were working on the chair. So they were definitely planning to use it soon.
“If they wanted the star-spangled asshole dead, they’d have done it already. They’ve got their sights aimed higher. Why do you think they ordered these modifications?”
“So why all the foreplay?”
“They’re priming him for it. Making sure he’s nice and ripe.” A pause, metal grating. “Look, the way I see it, he may look like a dumb slab of muscle, but it’s his brain that makes him dangerous, you know? They don’t want to puree it like they do to the Soldier’s. They want to use it. They want to turn him, and then they want to send his ass back out in his stupid uniform to smile on TV and convince everyone that everything is a-okay.”
“Seems like a tall order. He’s too stubborn.”
“Yeah, I know, but that’s the point, isn’t it? They can’t crack open his head and dig around. They had to find an opening and burrow, subtle-like. And that shit takes time.”
“Thought you don’t ask questions?”
A laugh. “You don’t need to ask when you’re banging someone in the know, my friend. You wouldn’t believe the hard-on they’ve got for Rogers. They’d do anything to turn him. That’s why they’ve tossed all the Winter Soldier protocols.”
“Still don’t see why they couldn’t just wipe the creepy bastard, at least.”
“Think of it like baby ducks imprinting.”
“I always thought that was bullshit.”
“I don’t know, man, maybe it’s a metaphor. Just go with this. Cap gets fried in the chair, he opens his eyes, and there’s his buddy telling him to listen up and comply. You think the Soldier could pull that off straight out of cryo? Out of this contraption? They zap him, they lose that angle.”
“Hell of a risk.”
“Life is a risk. But if they’ve got Captain America, that’s the ballgame.”
He left quickly, leaden feet carrying him to the lab as his brain sparked back to life. They wanted to turn Steve into another Winter Soldier. No, more than that, they wanted to slide insidiously into his brain and infect his very life. There were two ways that could go. Steve’s unerring conviction, his innate righteousness, made him difficult. It was possible that it couldn’t be done, and Steve would simply disappear. He went cold at that, an icy torrent of fear running all the way down to his toes. The other possibility …
The other possibility, if they did manage to turn Steve’s conviction and will and cast him at their enemies, was worse. Steve was unstoppable with an idea in his head. If they had him ..
He wasn’t sure what Steve’s conviction devoid of his kindness, his goodness, would look like, but he knew that for Steve, it would be worse than death. Worse than this torture.
All this time, all of it, was for this. All so Steve, disoriented and weakened, could be strapped into the chair and look up into the face he knew as his friend, imploring him to trust the people he’d devoted his life to destroying. It seemed like they’d be more successful without tipping their hand this soon, but he realized almost as soon as he considered it what their reasoning was. It was pure, arrogant spite. Whatever Steve had done to this organization, their enmity was so great that they were willing to risk their great plan just to twist the knife a little deeper, just so Steve would understand the scope and breadth of the evil they’d perpetrated against him before they consumed him whole. They wanted that victory lap. That was why they’d revealed him to Steve just before the end.
Cold fury narrowed his vision as he marched into the lab and allowed the techs to reach for him. Fury and a fierce, protective, new-found purpose. And he realized two things that fundamentally, irreversibly altered his world. One, that he was the Bucky Barnes of Steve Rogers’ memories, that Steve had meant something to him in another life; and two, that they’d been jerked around long enough, and Sarah Rogers had been right.
They could stand up and say no.
They could fight.
Re: FILL: Daybreak part 14c/15 Re: Identity Porn in captivity
(Anonymous) 2018-05-26 03:47 pm (UTC)(link)Re: FILL: Daybreak part 14c/15 Re: Identity Porn in captivity
(Anonymous) 2018-05-26 04:06 pm (UTC)(link)Re: FILL: Daybreak part 14c/15 Re: Identity Porn in captivity
(Anonymous) 2018-05-27 02:14 pm (UTC)(link)Re: FILL: Daybreak part 14c/15 Re: Identity Porn in captivity
(Anonymous) 2018-05-27 06:17 pm (UTC)(link)The Soldier started this fic as a blank state that obeyed orders from his organization, and somehow you've made him be able to distinguish between kindness and selfishness, good and evil. He doesn't quite particularly know/care about the bigger plan here, but he is willing to do something to stop Steve's personality from being destroyed. (Which he recognizes as being worse than death.)
I'm so thrilled by the use of the word "they" in "They could fight." The Soldier isn't just thinking of himself, or him and his organization, but him and Steve as one unit that needs to fight against HYDRA.
HYDRA had forgotten that Bucky was a kind person, had forgotten that they only have the Soldier under duress. I'm so pumped for the next chapter!
(Is Fury or Nat showing up?)
Re: FILL: Daybreak part 14c/15 Re: Identity Porn in captivity
(Anonymous) 2018-05-27 10:57 pm (UTC)(link)Re: FILL: Daybreak part 14c/15 Re: Identity Porn in captivity
(Anonymous) 2018-05-28 12:07 am (UTC)(link)I got the feeling that it was just the immediate visceral reaction of knowing you're about to be raped by the person you love most. Again. That, and the psychological impact of constant rape and torture.
Re: FILL: Daybreak part 14c/15 Re: Identity Porn in captivity
(Anonymous) 2018-05-28 03:59 am (UTC)(link)Re: FILL: Daybreak part 14c/15 Re: Identity Porn in captivity
(Anonymous) 2018-05-28 10:02 pm (UTC)(link)Oh man, I'm glad I got it right! And thank you for writing and sharing this. I... actually haven't commented here all that often over the years, but this fic pulled me out of lurking. I could feel the sense of empathy for Steve throughout the subtext, regardless of what the text itself did, so I'm honestly grateful to get to read something like this.
( omg sorry for the impromptu gushing, I hope I'm making sense. )
Re: FILL: Daybreak part 14c/15 Re: Identity Porn in captivity
(Anonymous) 2018-05-28 11:27 pm (UTC)(link)Thank you so much. I get it, really. Every once in a while I write something, but I'm much more of a lurker, so I really appreciate you saying that.
Re: FILL: Daybreak part 14c/15 Re: Identity Porn in captivity
(Anonymous) 2018-05-28 03:57 am (UTC)(link)There's a scene in the sequel where Bucky is pressing the issue and Steve says, "I'm not mad at you, Buck, I'm just mad," and that's a pretty good way of explaining where he is here, too. What he's thinking is, "So this is what they MADE you do, they MADE you murder and rape, THEY did this to you," and part of him is processing that and part of him is processing anger at what they did to Bucky and fear at what that might have entailed to get him in this situation, but no one speaks perfectly all the time, especially not in stressful situations, so the way it comes out is, "So this is what YOU do." He doesn't quite mean it the way that Bucky interprets it, and we're in Bucky's head here, and Bucky's already swimming in guilt, so he'll find accusation in just about anything because he's pretty sure he deserves it. Steve doesn't know what was Bucky and what was his orders, hasn't yet worked out all the moments where Bucky was trying to help him or what it cost him (he will, though).
It was really tempting to have him do the Steve thing, and be understanding and continue to appeal to Bucky, but after the prolonged, intimate, truly awful experience that he's been through -- and is still going through, he still doesn't know how to end this but he knows Bucky is there to rape him again, which also means he's lost the one connection making this bearable -- I thought he was entitled to just be upset and not deal with it well for a little while. He's been pretty stoic this whole story, hasn't really let it in until now, and it's hitting him at once, so when it all does, he lashes out a bit, and who else is there, you know? He's been sitting in that room by himself, waiting, no distractions, nothing to do, just stewing in it, basically, since it happened. And they haven't talked, really. Bucky ignored all of his attempts to engage in the reveal scene, so it's a toss-up for him whether Bucky will ignore him again or explain. But the moment Bucky reassures him that, no, he's not on their side, he's just surviving the only way he can, Steve softens. He still needs time to deal with it, but he's not going to hold it against Bucky. He can tell that Bucky is every bit as much their unwilling prisoner as he is. But weeks of sexual abuse at the hands of the one person he's really been allowed to talk to that whole time (and that person seeming lucid and not obviously brainwashed) is different from his obviously brainwashed and not in control friend trying to beat him to death the day after he found out he was alive in the first place like in TWS. So I wouldn't say he dismissed him, just that he needs time. He's not deciding here so much as reacting. He's piecing it all together.
The biggest difference was that originally, Steve had no fucking clue. He was just absolutely shocked and gutted, and it was an uglier scene, if you can believe it. But it started to seem unreasonable that he wouldn't have given it some thought, and after I started dropping hints, that sealed it. He had to have considered it, which changed his reaction significantly. There was no scene between the attempted reveal and the actual reveal, they just sent him right back in to fix what he'd fucked up, but I just wanted to give him that attempt at closure and let him see Steve one more time. Originally they did want Steve for information, but it really seems like a clumsy way to do that, so it made more sense that, actually, they've concocted this ridiculous, cruel, convoluted plan because it's both an elaborate headgame designed to lower his defenses and it's a way to gloat all at once. They're kicking him while he's down because they can, and you're right, that spite just absolutely cuts through to Bucky, which provided him with the motivation he needed to break their hold.
And, yeah, he definitely doesn't care all that much about the Big Evil Plan. His priorities are Steve and survival, in that order.
Fury and Nat won't make an appearance in this one, but they're definitely in the next one (which takes place some time after the events of this story and is told from Sam's POV). And thank you! Hope that clears things up.
Re: FILL: Daybreak part 14c/15 Re: Identity Porn in captivity
(Anonymous) 2018-05-28 07:00 am (UTC)(link)Yeah, it makes a lot of sense that it'd take Steve a while to process and figure these things out. And that Bucky's going to read everything as an indictment on himself. Poor bbs.
(omg I'd love to see your Sam POV!)