hydratrashmeme | Dumpster #2: ...'Cause a Hydra Trash Party don't stop

Dumpster #2: ...'Cause a Hydra Trash Party don't stop

Unholy hell-miracle achieved! Welcome to Bad Guys Do Bad Things To Your Faves 2: Electric Boogaloo. AKA the seamy sexual-violence-and-violent-sex underbelly of Captain America fandom, AKA the Hydra Trash Party kinkmeme. As usual, BLANKET NON-CON AND NSFW WARNINGS apply: just assume going in that everything in this landfill is unfit for human consumption.

Rules in brief: don't be a jerk except to fictional characters, warnings for particularly fucked-up garbage are nice but not required, thou shalt not judge the trashiness of thy neighbor's kinks unless thy neighbor is trying to pass off their rotting banana peels and half-eaten pizza crusts as a healthy romantic dinner for two, off-topic comments may be chucked out of the dumpster at management's discretion, management's discretion decrees that omegaverse, soulbond AUs, D/s-verse, non-superpowered AUs, and dark!good guys AUs are off-topic.

[Round 1] [Fill post] [Chatter post] [hydratrashmeme Pinboard archive (maintained by

greenkirtle)] [Round 2 in flat view (comments in non-threaded chronological order, most recent last)]

Round 2 is closed; comments and fills in existing threads are still welcome, but all new prompts go to Round 3.

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AA: Oh geez!!! Thank you so much for telling me this!!! <3 (I feel bad for being so pleased by your emotional state - but I suppose that was my intent? So: eheheh... )

This is beautiful, I'm only sorry there's not more of it!

AA: Oh man, thank you! Haha, I had a lot more ideas I could have written in. But I wasn't sure anyone would want to read 20k of Bucky being a depressing drunk and Steve trying not to fold under the pressure of being the emotional support for Bucky while trying not to be so weak that the Soldier will just leave him behind. And the Winter Soldier just trying to enjoy existence and utilize his resources.

Honestly, if I wrote anymore it would be really sad for about half the fic, but then I'd probably end it on a hopeful/happy-ish note because I don't see either of them being beyond recovery in this fic and I'm an optimist at heart, haha. ^^;;

AA: (Also if anyone prefers reading on Tumblr, you can read it here: https://fowlprose.tumblr.com/post/146385997650/title-drunky-bucky-or-the-winter-sober-liquid)

This is amazing, I kept squirming in this garbage and had to take a few breaks to do something else, to catch a breath between the PILES UPON PILES OF FILTH IN THIS LANDFILL. It was so excruciatingly slow descent into hell, but at the very same time lurching down like an elevator, grabbing any stability only to have the floor drop out under him again.
It has been a joy to scroll down and watch the end fall further and further away(with /? to 8e) You keeping finding worse things to do to him, and I understand why he has to make these choices to screw himself over, and this Mueller creature(you) is an absolute genius. This was a perfect ending, for Bucky to hand over his decision making ability because he doesnt trust himself anymore, rather than electro-brainwashing forcing it.
Oh and the very first Hydra Trash Party! How terrible and humiliating, and I've been imagining it from the three US Soldiers perspective, what were they thinking? Terrible things. And for some absurd reason I imagined Natasha as the servant, so perfectly chill outside but calculating in her head. For a second I thought it Was Peggy, and he was too far gone to tell. But no, there is no rescue or happy ending :(
I also loved the intellectual trash chats, I didn't catch some of that at first. You guys really helped me suffer further with your in depth analysis of Breaking Bucky :)))
So thanks for nothing, here's the decaying corpse in a box in the landfill please post if you've put it on AO3? if u want to de-anon anyway :)

Truly, this is one of the finest pieces of filth in this dumpster.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/4743752

"Steve’s strong, stronger than any of his latest handlers. He was able to deal enough damage when Bucky was allowed to defend himself. All the things he could do now." D:

Oh man, I love everything about this -- the clarity of the voices, the horribleness of the situation... I particularly love how the Soldier has his own way of dealing with things (and I kind of hope that, in time, the Soldier will be sufficiently rid of HYDRA and at peace to start doing other recovery things...?)

(Also: love the mention of opiates, and how you handled the drunk parents thing for both Steve and Bucky)

A!A: Ahhh! Thank you!! I tried to make the Soldier a person - yes, he has been highly dehumanized and he may not ALWAYS know a hawk from a handsaw, but guy's got some opinions and preferences, y'know?

As for recovery: I personally think that he would eventually come to a place where he'd feel safe enough to stop and think about what he wants and if his current life philosophy is good for him on a longterm scale. For the Soldier, it's not about WANTING to take down Hydra so much as knowing it's necessary if he ever wants to have control of his life. He does get satisfaction from destroying them, but it comes down to necessity in the end. I think once he feels safe he'll actually have a lot easier time letting that aspect go than Steve will. The Soldier ENJOYS finding out what he likes and wants - Steve hasn't allowed that for himself in a long time.

Eventually, I can see the Soldier going through some difficult times as he has to confront the fact that it's pretty obvious that a part of him still remembers being Bucky Barnes. He's got a lot of identity and mental health stuff to go through. I can see him either gently folding that past away and going "thanks but no thanks", or I can see him angrily trying to dismantle his programming - not because he thinks Bucky Barnes deserves to be a person, 'cause FUCK that guy with a rusty rake, but because Hydra was full of bastards and the Soldier doesn't want to have any truck with their shitty programming if he can help it. I think he'd slowly start to break free of it himself if he wasn't keeping himself Field Ready.

Steve would have his own shit to sort out. I could see the Soldier basically going, "welp, thanks for the help, see ya round," and Steve having to pick up the pieces. But, I think my preferred ending for them would be the Soldier feeling kind of bad for this guy who would do literally anything for him, and so he kind of takes Steve along for the ride on his Self Discover Extravaganza.

They have bad times, they have good times. Sometimes the Soldier wants to have nothing to do with Steve because the guy STILL calls him Bucky when he's sleepy and not thinking straight. Sometimes Steve is sick of just waiting around trying to get the Soldier's head on straight and he Needs a Fight or a Cause and eventually that turns into arguing. I think the Soldier would probably like Spitfire!Steve a lot better than docile-weapon!Steve. They discover what jokes the Soldier likes, they figure out how to have fun without alcohol (lmfao what is this after school special shit I'm peddling right now) and without being horrifyingly dependent on each other while still supporting one another.

I'd love to see the Soldier become Bucky enough to be like, "Steve, I hope you know it wasn't your fault that any of this happened. It wasn't your fault that you couldn't make my drunk ass happy, either."

And Steve sharing his own opinions regarding Bucky and how much blame he's allowed to claim from his time as the Winter Soldie (aka NONE. None blame.)

About the opiates: I figured Bucky probably was on a plethora of things as the Soldier, so he's pretty casual about using chemicals to get the results he wants from his body. Considering his serum-healing, he gets away with it pretty scot-free. I figure the Soldier probably ends up trying different things all the time, especially before he realizes he's kind of abusive when he drinks. He wants to trick out his meat sack the way his technicians did - after all, to him it's not the fact that they used chemicals on him that bothers him. It's the fact that THEY made all the choices. But, he doesn't really know what to use or the amounts. He definitely ends up scaring the fuck out of Steve a few times due to overdoses where he's vomiting all over himself and telling Steve he'll shank him if he sells the Soldier out to the government ("just let me take you to the hospital!" "fuck you, you fucking [incomprehensible Russian], are you an IDIOT?! What do you think they'll [more incomprehensible Russian]")

I'm really glad you liked the way I handled the parents!! Alcoholism was kind of a huge thing for the guys who came back from WWI, but I didn't want to sensationalize it too much. Not gonna lie, functional-alcoholism and alcohol-induced domestic abuse kinda run rampant in my family. I didn't want to get too into it because I could go on forever about the tiny ways being around alcoholics can be a huge drain on resources, but I also didn't want to brush over it too much? I hope I hit a spot somewhere between Sensationalized Drunkies Abuse Their Families Turn to Page 4 to Hear This Sad Story! and "okay, but does he actually have an alcohol problem or is he just a sad drunk?"

(omfg this got so long. apparently i wasnt done talking about Drunky Barnes and the Winter Sober)

a!a, thank you for this amazing comment. WOW.

Firstly, I've been chuckling at "Drunky Barnes and Winter Sober" for the last few days. SUCH A GOOD.

And yeah, I absolutely love that your WS clearly has preferences and his own way of doing things and figuring out his own personality -- it's just that he doesn't really care for that Barnes fellow. (Kind of like moving into an apartment and finding some signs of the previous resident). I love how practical he is re: HYDRA, Steve, opiate use, etc. The recovery trajectory you outline is so hopeful -- maybe as WS feels safer with each HYDRA cell destruction, he'd have more time to figure himeself out. And maybe eventually Steve would accept WS as himself. More importantly, Steve would get over his guilt and responsibility over Bucky enough to actually interact properly with WS? 'Cause this current setup of Steve just following WS everywhere and not even getting to contact his friends is really not healthy for either of them.

And man, alcoholism! I don't have personal family experience with it, but much props to you for writing about it when it's both (a) personal and (b) easily sensationalized. I love how subtly present it is, especially the line "Bucky had never lifted a finger against anyone who wasn’t in the ring or trying to knock Steve’s teeth out." OOF.

Anyways, yes, this was absolutely lovely, and if you ever post it on AO3, please drop a link. :)

absolutely fan-fucking-tastic
I just read all of this..I literally couldn't stop from the first word to the alst
thank you for an epic story
I wish it never ended!

Under him, Bucky tosses his head and shoves his hips up to meet Steve’s. His eyes are shut, his mouth hanging open, his left hand fisted in the pillow case while he jerks himself with his right, and when Steve thrusts into him he makes a desperate noise in the back of his throat. Steve works the angle of his hips, feels the clench and drag of Bucky around him. Bucky’s heel digs into small of his back, urging him on.

Bucky arches his back up and clasps a hand over his mouth when he comes, and the sight makes Steve even more determined to fuck him through every last moment of it. His own orgasm comes soon after, his hips stuttering before he buries himself deep inside Bucky and comes, hissing his name through clenched teeth.

Steve doesn’t mind Bucky getting up to wash after sex His own inclination is to lie there in the afterglow, lazy and stupid and indulgent, and he doesn’t care if he does it by himself or not. But after the water turns off he hears Bucky pad quickly, purposefully out of the room.

His first thought to himself is Go clean up your mess, Rogers, his second is to be ashamed of it.

He finds Bucky on the little balcony. At this height the wind must be criminal, but the glass walls and ceiling keep the wind out and the warmth in. There are big, year round plants that Steve doesn’t know the name of and some things that look like futuristic beach chairs.

Bucky is slouched in one of them. His eyes flick to Steve as he comes in and settles himself in the next one over, but he stays silent.

“Nice night,” Steve tires. He considers saying something dumb like Wow, the Chrysler Building sure looks great tonight, then bursts out with “Bucky, talk to me.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Anything at all. Come on, we said we wouldn’t play this game anymore.”

“If you think this is a game, then you don’t know what you’re talking about,” Bucky shoots back heatedly.

“Why? Why don’t you tell me what that would look like?”

That gets a stony silence. Then Bucky bursts out with, “You want to know what I’d think if it was someone else? I’d think, that poor bastard. How’d he ever let himself get broken down like that.” He puts a hand up to his face, like he’s shielding himself from Steve or the other way around. “I wish I got to have some dignity. I wish you didn’t have to see me like this.”

“You talk like I’ve never talked about anything – anything hard with you. Do you remember the night after we buried my mom?” Bucky doesn’t say anything, but his shoulders stiffen so Steve presses on. “I don’t think I ever got that low, or that close to giving up.” He still feels a knot of sadness and shame when he thinks of it. He had turned away to wipe his eyes on the sleeve of his pajamas and suddenly he couldn’t stop crying, no matter how hard he balled up his face or held his breath. “You didn’t try and soft-soap me, you just stuck around and heard me out. Even when it was just nonsense and self-pity.” He had said “I’m gonna get sick and that’s gonna be it”over and over again, and the more he thought about it the surer it seemed, and he couldn’t stop. He was scared to be alone, scared for the future, scared that next time grit and determination wouldn’t be enough for him just like it hadn’t been enough for his mom. Bucky hadn’t moved his arm from around Steve’s shoulders, hadn’t said much except the occasional “You don’t know that,” hadn’t argued when Steve always came back with “I do.”

“Or the time we were living together and I got pneumonia. I’d cough so hard I threw up on myself, and you had to drag me to the bathroom. You think I had any dignity then?”

“Of course you did,” says Bucky from behind his hand.

“So give yourself the same courtesy. Or at least believe that I can.”

The ensuing silence is long enough for Steve to start thinking Great, and me left out here alone looking like a dope, when Bucky speaks.

"Let me tell you something. When you get out of cryo, you're lying there on a table or on the floor with IVs sticking everywhere an IV can go – arms, hands, neck, feet, the whole thing – and your brain feels like oatmeal. It's like when you wake up and you can think but you aren't really awake, so everything feels a little real and a little like a dream. That's when they get to work on you. They do the triggers and failsafes first. Mission objective and parameters. And then if they have someone good, they can make you think you're anyone, believe anything. It was mostly making sure I remembered my loyalty to Hydra and whatever value system they were using that week, the free world or the Warsaw Pact or whatever. And then sometimes they'd give me a cover. It’s in there so deep that no one can torture it out, because I’d believe it with every last cell in me. Every so often someone would figure out that they could get themselves a little something that way. You want a hellcat, a loving boyfriend, a blushing virgin in your bed three times a night? You got it." His mouth twists into a humorless smile. "They all thought they were so smart, too. Sure buddy, you're the first person to think of that one. You just keep telling yourself that. But yeah, half the time I really did want it. Or at least I thought I did. And then sometimes I was the only bargaining chip I had." At Steve's choked-off noise, Bucky shrugs. "It's not like I had any cigarettes to trade. The rest of it was just orders."

A/N: I know I'm not the fastest writer and that this story has been inching along for a very long time, and I want to take the opportunity to thank everybody who has been willing to stick with it. I am so, so grateful for your patience and your support and I love you all.

TL;DR – group hug in this trash pile!

We love you more <3

*rolls around on the floor*

Thanks for updating! <3

The best thing about these slow updates is that I get to re-read the whole thing every time! :D

And -- oh man, so many lovely painful moments here -- I don't think I've ever read such a good Steve-coping-with-mom's-death bit. And noncon sex being Bucky's only bargaining chip... *cries sad trashy tears*

OMG, I love this idea. I love to write about this, but I do not know if someone else has already done, and my English is very simple. Maybe do a Spanish version in AO3

A!a, you did it again! Every new chapter of this is an absolute treat (I've read this update a number of times already) and this remains one of my favorite stories in the dumpster. *continues to camp out here for the foreseeable future*

(OP)

Loved this update :D

1. The sex scene was smoking hot. Back arching! Bucky with his heels digging in! Shoving his hips up! ALL VERY, VERY GOOD STUFF

2. And actually the sex being so hot and successful makes the downswing that follows even sadder? Like, with all the other attempts at sex that went wrong during or after, there's an obvious cause. There's always a moment that sets Bucky off. Here, though, it all works out fine, and still Bucky has to go off and brood about how humiliated, broken, and undignified he is. There's nothing undignified about what just happened, but sex -- or at least being fucked -- is so indelibly associated with humiliation for him that he can't see that. It's so sad and it's a deeper, longer-lasting problem that Steve's learning curve on where not to touch and what not to say. There's no easy fix here.

3. Also that they're getting better at communication but they still have to work at it. <3 No easy fixes.

4. It is extremely telling about Steve that he thinks having cried after his mom died was a serious indignity -- comparable to the indignity Bucky feels now. I have been known to cry because I got a bad haircut. What the fuck, Steve.

5. I will repeat for this venue: I love how thoroughly you've fucked Bucky over. If he'd just been subjected to repeated command rapes, your good old-fashioned trash party, then he'd come out with a handsome array of deep-seated issues. But that was not enough! He also traded sex for favors, so on top of learning that essentially sex is torture, he gets to learn that his body is a thing to be bartered. But because these two things together haven't yet totally destroyed his sexuality, you also threw in the violation of his mind; they were able to trick and manipulate integral parts of him, his emotions, his perceptions; it's a miracle he's been able to trust and pursue his own desire to the extent that he has (and I wonder how long it took). You haven't left a single square of solid ground for him to stand on.

6. "It's not like I had any cigarettes to trade." I LOVE THIS LINE not only because it speaks to the forced commodification of Bucky's body, but also because I am a sucker for anything hints at how truly devastated and dehumanized he was. Even prisoners have cigarettes. Bucky, on the other hand, had no possessions -- or money, or friends, or memories, or choices in anything from whether he killed to how he wore his hair or when he slept. All these little details that fill out the picture of how controlled and empty his life was keep my black heart beating. My Bucky Barnes Problem is... ongoing.

Will Rollins get better? Pretty, pretty please? He's a shitty person, but I still like him.

WOAH. WOW. I've died and gone to hell and this was in my welcome basket. I love how certain your Bucky is about what's right and what's wrong. His standards are set to Hydra, which is terribly fucked up, but even so he *knows* the rules, thank you very much. He's got his own opinions about what he likes and prefers, but that has nothing to do with right and wrong. I'm not sure he believes in good people anymore, that people exist that aren't Hydra-level evil in secret if not in public, which is tragicly sad in all the best ways. He's agreed to Steve's plan of more rule breaking, and I can see Steve's logic here -- break the old rules to see by example where the new rules actually are, but I'm sure there will be more than a few setbacks where he looks at his recent behaviour and panics and starts overtly following the old rules as an act of terrified contrition to reduce the punishment he's sure is coming. +500 kudos

Jesus, that was a fucking triumph.

God this is so good! Poor Bucky, poor Sam, poor Steve.

Please sir, may I have some... more?

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

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Dumpster #2: ...'Cause a Hydra Trash Party don't stop

Re: FILL: Liquid Courage (2/2)

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Re: FILL: The Only Animal (Author's Note)

Re: FILL: The Only Animal (Author's Note)

Re: Windmills, Fill 4/? (aka Bucky's sense of tmi is faulty)

Re: FILL: Liquid Courage (2/2)

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Re: Windmills, Fill 15b/15 (aka Bucky's sense of tmi is faulty) -FIN-

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 11/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 11/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 11/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 11/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 11/?

Re: Rumlow/Bucky - most awkward aftermath ever

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 11/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 11/?

Re: Mini Fill: Sensitive to Smell

Re: Windmills, Fill 15b/15 (aka Bucky's sense of tmi is faulty) -FIN-

Re: Eve, Part 7b/7 - END -

Re: Windmills, Fill 15b/15 (aka Bucky's sense of tmi is faulty) -FIN-

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 11/?