hydratrashmeme | Dumpster #3: The Great Pacific Garbage Patch

(and es it's recovery-oriented, so hope that's okay)

So, Bucky had gotten free of Hydra. And he's doing well, and he started something with Steve.

But the soon find out the sex is well...just always going to be an issue. And they try everything from just frottage to really gentle lovemaking to BDSM stuff - but fact is, it's just always going to be a risk where Bucky might get triggered, or get flashbacks, or suddenly feel constricted or disgusted and push Steve off. Maybe they do really absurd things, too, like Steve dressing up as Heidi to seem less threatening (it's just an example, and if you don't like cross-dressing I'm fine with other things) - but to no avail.

It might be okay for once, or a little while, but it's hit-or-miss, there is no magic fix, and it's something they'll have to deal with. no magic therapy fixes either.

But the thing I want is for Bucky to well, be Bucky. For the rest he's pretty much 95% the charming, amicable, smiling, curious-about-science guy he was. He's a lot of fun on a date or even a night with friends. Sure maybe there's some other ptsd going on, but it's not life-consuming. He's not brainwashed or conditioned, it's just that the rape trauma was so vast and spanning so much time, so his body and mind go "nope" when sex would occur.

He's acutely aware of it, frustrated by it, maybe even self-deprecating. I'm sort of interested in the contrast between his original personality and rape trauma. And really Steve's reactions, and trying think #105 in bed they know won't work but they want to try anyway.

Ohhhh my god this is so totally my thing. Bucky who can barely handle sex is my favorite Bucky and there isn't enough of him in this dumpster! Plus all the stuff about secret horrible rape trauma, where he looks pretty okay to everyone who doesn't know him biblically, but he's got this broken side where it hurts and it only comes out in bed. Yesss

Op!Hi, we might be saying the same thing, but I'd find it interesting that he sort of..IS okay. In the sense that it's not an act. He enjoys most of his life, and he's mostly fine...unless he's doing one specific thing. Which sadly is a big thing.

So... curious if you have some sort of endgame in mind for this? Like, does it just stay not-okay, and Steve and Bucky are just kind of okay with sex being not-okay? Is it about Bucky becoming okay with sex being not-okay, or maybe Bucky becoming frustrated by sex being not-okay? Or vignettes of all the different sex things they try and all the horrible ways it goes wrong?

Like, I'm a big fan of competent!recovered!Bucky who treats sex like what it is -- an important part of his life, but not an all-consuming part. But I'm also worried that this isn't sufficiently trash-centered? (Even though tbh that's what I like about it?)

Prompt!OP here.

I think I deliberately left the endgame open, because I noticed that in the past my more detailed prompts didn't get filled, and I wanted potential authors to be able to unleash their own creativity on it.

Ideally, obviously, I'd like a multi-chaptered fic where things progress, but vignettes actually sound like a good option, too.

It would be great if there would be a few sex scenes where they try and it goes terribly wrong. I live for that shit.

I'm actually okay with a lot of endings. It's more the process/interactions I'm interested in which yes, would probably involve any (though not necessarily all, and not limited to) of the following: frustration, anger, trying but failing, panic or pain during sex, having sex despite it not being okay, lying about your partner about not being okay, lying to your friends about your sex life, trying weird kinky shit hoping it will work but it doesn't, feeling bad or guilty about that after,etc etc.

I'm fine with it ending anywhere between them basically ending up with a really, really fucked up sex life that is just on the brink of dubcon where Bucky's basically "I'll be in distress but please fuck me regardless" to well, them deciding not to have sex at all and see how that could work.

I'm fine with suggestions if you have any.

It was started out fine. Actually it started out as a relief after an awkward dinner date. Steve had taken Bucky to what Pepper had assured Steve was an excellent First Date restaurant, which turned out to be too fancy for the both of them. Finally, Bucky folded up his napkin halfway through the second course and said, "Steve, let's go. I'm not a gal that you need to treat, we haven't made small talk with each other since we were 10, and we already live in the same apartment. Let's do something else tonight." Then he cracked a seductive smile that made Steve all too happy to comply.

15 minutes later they were back in the apartment, and Bucky had taken the lead in kissing Steve. Bucky had more experience with this, now that he has most of his memories back. Soon Steve had his back against the wall and Bucky's hands were creeping up his shirt to tease Steve's nipples and sending tingles along Steve's belly. Steve couldn't help moaning and arching into Bucky's touch. This was *much* better than sitting through 8 more courses at that restaurant.

In the midst of all that kissing and fondling, Steve found himself on his bed in just his underwear, with Bucky straddling him, wicked grin on his face. Bucky clearly knew what he was doing, since his ass was seated squarely on Steve's hard cock, and through his underwear and Bucky's jeans Steve could feel Bucky's ass cheeks gently squeezing and teasing. He twitched his cock in reply and got a chuckle from Bucky. "All right, all right, don't you know the virtue of waiting?" As Steve muttered something about waiting 70 years, Bucky scooted down to kneel between Steve's legs and shot a look up at Steve, licking his lips in anticipation as he deftly slid down Steve's underwear.

Steve threw his head back and moaned as his cock touched the chill night air, and was subsequently covered by slow teasing licks and nibbles from Bucky. Bucky's breath came fast and short over the length of his cock as he...

No wait. That was the sound of Bucky hyperventilating.

Steve pushed himself up and looked down. Bucky was still trying to lick his cock but his entire body was rigid and wracked with tremors. "Buck." No response. "Bucky." Steve knew he shouldn't touch Bucky in a situation like this, so he slowly turned himself around on the bed so that his face was under Bucky's kneeling form, where his cock used to be.

"Hey Buck. It's me, Steve." Bucky's breath hit Steve's forehead hard and fast, and his eyes were glassy. "You're clearly not okay so I"m not gonna ask that." Still no response. It's been a few months since Bucky's had an episode this bad. "Y'know that I love you, right?" It took Steve the better part of a decade to finally say those words, and now that they're out there, he just wants to say them over and over again, forever.

"And you don't have to do something that you're ready for. This is me, remember? I used to have to take breaks on every other stair landing. I hated that feeling, of being weak. But you always made it better." Now Steve was just shooting his mouth -- he knew that his voice helped more to ground Bucky than what he actually said. "You always said that you enjoyed stopping for the view. I thought you were being a jerk, but looking back, you probably meant the view of my ass, eh?" Bucky's breathing slowed and Steve heard an exhalation that sounded like a light chuckle, so he continued. "That why you insisted on walking behind me? You liked my bony ass?" Steve quirked an eyebrow as he saw Bucky finally come back to him.

Bucky heaved a slow heavy sigh and sat back miserably on his heels. "I really thought I could do it." He cast a doleful glance at Steve's now-flaccid cock. "That just because I can't... I really wanted to..." Bucky slapped his own face. "Dammit, what's wrong with me? I should be able to show you a good time. I know *how*, it's all *in* here. And I WANT to." The last part came out as a whine.

Steve gingerly wrapped himself around Bucky and peppered his face and neck with kisses. "Hey Buck, it's okay. They had years to mess with your head -- and it's always easier to make a mess than to tidy up." As he felt Bucky's shoulders soften, Steve slowly kissed up Bucky's beautiful jawline to nip at his ear. "Besides, we've got so many other ways to end a first date."

"You never know when to give up, do you, punk?" Bucky turned his head to catch Steve's mouth in his.

I have no idea where this is going, but I re-stumbled on this prompt and figured why not? So have some Bucky who hyperventilates at the sight of cock-in-face.

(TBH the prompt kind of screams "5+1" but I have no idea what the +1 would be.)

I really can't tell you how happy I am!

As for the 5+1 - I think that sort of depends where you're going with the other 4?

Maybe a point where they do actually manage the have sex (and finish), but it's sort of really, really messed up either emotionally and/or in terms of what they have to do to make it happen.

And they're sort of left with the feeling of: oh right, so we CAN bring each other to orgasm, but do we even WANT to, if it means doing THIS every time.

I don't know what you like as a writer...I think the sort of juxtaposition of pleasure-of-orgasm versus I-feel-shit-about-this-as-a-human-being would be delicious.

Re: Fill: Horizontal Tango [1/?] Re: The sex is just never going to be okay (but Bucky sort of is)

(Anonymous) - 2015-11-16 17:00 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Fill: Horizontal Tango [1/?] Re: The sex is just never going to be okay (but Bucky sort of is)

(Anonymous) - 2015-11-16 17:41 (UTC) - Expand

Oh, this is perfection.

Ohhh, thank you thank you thank you!

By all measures except one, Bucky and Steve's relationship was going great. They both kept busy during the day -- Steve had more meetings with Avengers, and Bucky had more meetings with doctors. But no matter how busy they got, they made sure to eat dinner together. It was one of those couples things -- Bucky's uncle and aunt did that, and their relationship worked out much better than Bucky's parents'. And on the nights when Bucky wasn't joining Steve at some Stark event, Bucky got to cook. Of the two of them, Steve had always been the perfunctory eater, and Bucky grew up in a household where cooking was strictly the women's job. But it's the 21st century, and after the years of tube feeding, being able to cook and eat food was one of the first things made Bucky feel more human than weapon.

So honestly, things were pretty good, except for The Sex Problem. Steve refused to call it a problem, but that's what it was. Ever since that first date, they've settled into a routine where Bucky'd kiss and play with Steve's torso until the smell of Steve's pre-cum turned Bucky's stomach. Then he'd go get a drink of water and took deep calming breaths while listening to Steve jerk himself off in the other room.

Steve's said that's enough for him, but dammit, it's not enough for Bucky. He loved Steve. He wanted to be the one who could get Steve to come. He wanted to be the one who caused those moans of orgasm and release. He shouldn't have to be in the other room trying to avoid a panic attack. Bucky's pretty sure that counts as a Sex Problem.

But tonight as he waited for the curry to boil down, Bucky had a thought. The crux of the problem wasn't that he'd have horrifying flashbacks during sex, but that those flashback were completely debilitating. In those moments, he was only good for staying rigid and shaking. Guaranteed boner killer. But what if he could maneuver Steve into fucking him from behind before he got triggered? All he had to do in that position was stay still anyway, and this way, Bucky could get Steve to come, flashbacks and all. Then it'd no longer be a Sex Problem, just a Debilitating Flashback Problem, and Bucky knows how to deal with those.

The plan almost works. At least, what he could remember of it. After dinner, Bucky and Steve did their usual fooling around, and this time, instead of leaving the room, Bucky'd turned around, pulled down his pants, and wiggled his ass as seductively as he could. "C'mere Steve, enough of that. I wanna try something new. I want you inside me."

"Bucky, you sure about this?" Bucky managed to hear Steve's hesitation as he fought down the nausea of having his balls suddenly exposed and vulnerable. Not now, he told himself. Not yet.

"Damn right I am. C'mon!" He hoped that the gritting of his teeth translated as horny desperation. It probably did, since the last thing he clearly remembered as he buried his head in a soft pillow was the feeling of Steve's hard cock against his ass.

Then he could feel fingers stretching him. And things besides fingers -- hard metal things, things that stung and cut and left splinters. There was a cold gentle touch of lube? But probably just old cum leaking out. Or his blood. Sometimes they got creative when they got bored of the usual. How many cocks had he taken that night? He'd lost count. Or maybe he hadn't even started counting. It didn't matter -- the only thing he could do was wait for it to be over.

It was the smell of oranges that brought him back. Bucky gingerly flipped around and leaned on the headboard. Steve was peeling an orange next to him, fully clothed.

Bucky sighed. "Fuck. It didn't work."

Steve stopped peeling his orange long enough to hand Bucky a cup of water from his side of the bed. Bucky suddenly realized how thirsty he was. Judging by the dampness of his pillow, he probably lost a lot of water.

"I think it worked just fine" Steve's voice was dry. Shit. "First I was confused why you kept making mumbling noises. Then when you didn't respond I was worried that I was hurting you. When I figured out I'd triggered you again I hated myself for not catching on until I'd nearly put it in you. And panicked because you weren't coming back no matter what I did. Then I was angry at you for telling me that you wanted this when you clearly didn't. And now.... I'm just tired." Steve handed Bucky half of the orange without looking at him. "Any other emotion you wanted me to feel in the last hour? Or were you hoping I'd be turned on by fucking my boyfriend into a catatonic state?"

The orange slices tasted bitter in Bucky's mouth but he forced himself to swallow. It was a welcome distraction to what he had to say. "Please, Steve. Y'gotta understand. That wasn't what I wanted ..."

"Then what *did* you want, Bucky? You wanted to be triggered? You wanted to trick me into fucking you when you clearly didn't want it? Did you think I'd enjoy *any* of that?"

Steve's voice was half-accusatory and half-perplexed. So Bucky held onto the one fact that he knew was true. "I ... But I *do* want you to fuck me."

"Well, your body clearly didn't." Steve bit back.

"So? I'm fucking tired of letting this body dictate everything." Bucky clawed at at his arm. "If I go for more than 4 hours without sufficient caloric intake my arm starts drawing energy directly from my fat reserves. If I sleep on my right side it puts too much pressure on my heart." It felt good to say these things out loud for once. "I can't touch myself without wanting to throw up. I can't even smell, much less touch your cock without triggering flashbacks." Bucky wished he could rip out the part of his brain that was doing this. "But I fucking WANT to. I want to feel your cum inside me. I want to suck your cock and have you suck mine. Hell, I just want to be able to jerk you off." Bucky tilted his head back to keep tears out of his eyes. "I can eat food now, why can't I have sex?" He hoped those desires weren't as insurmountable as they felt right then.

"The last days of a flu are the worst, Bucky." Steve said gently, and Bucky remembered saying that to Steve when they were kids. Mrs. Rogers would be at work, and Steve bedridden from one of the many illnesses that seemed to afflict him. It was one thing when Steve was coughing up blood, but once he was on the mend -- it was all Bucky could do to convince Steve to stay in bed on more day.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." It felt good to think of this problem as the result of all the progress he's made in recovery. He was Bucky Barnes, not the Winter Soldier, and he's made it this far. "I'm sorry, Steve. I shouldn't have tricked you -- that was all my fault. I just thought... well, it's my problem, and I should be able to handle it."

"Bucky, we're in a RELATIONSHIP. If we're going to make sex work, we have to do it together. I'm sorry I didn't get it when you called it a problem before, but now that I do..." Steve turned to face Bucky with a look of determination. "We will keep at this -- there's lots of things to try, and we can try all of them. Just... promise to tap out before it gets this bad, okay?"

Steve always looked so cute when he saw a problem to tackle, and Bucky knew there was no stopping him when he got that look -- not when he was 10 and charging at bullies, not when he was 17 and hunting for a job, and not when he was 25 and taking down HYDRA. The only thing to do was follow.

"Roger that, Captain." Bucky waved a mock salute before pulling Steve into a kiss.

Aaand I read it! It's wonderful! please keep on doing what you're doing!

Aw, I'm really enjoying this series!

The moment Bucky made it back into the apartment he unzipped and wiggled out of his Weiner Soldier costume and promptly collapsed on the couch, face down. Steve chose to take his time -- for one, his USO girl costume was much less cumbersome (though much colder for the motorcycle ride home), and for another, maybe there was still another use for it.

Steve sat down primly next to Bucky -- funny how wearing a skirt and tight underwear made him extra self conscious about his posture -- and started gently kneading Bucky's back. Parties are hard for them both, but Bucky especially. Steve worked at the familiar knot of muscle right under Bucky's left shoulder blade. There was some extra tension there tonight from it being Halloween -- night of jump scares and masked people.

But maybe... "Hey Buck," Steve ventured. "You still awake enough to try something? I had a thought about the list." They'd spent the last two months experimenting with different sex positions. Unfortunately, the primary result has been an ever-growing list of sex triggers. Positions, words, tone of voice...

Bucky flipped so that he was facing Steve and simply raised an eyebrow. He was clearly tired, but curious.

"Most of the things on that list have one thing in common...my cock."

Bucky burst out laughing. "No offense, Steve -- it's not just YOUR cock, it's any cock. Unfortunately, we can't do it without your cock ... it's the main actor of our show."

"But what about yours?" In all of their attempts thus far, Bucky's kept his own genitals chastely ensconced in at least two layers, and given what happened last time Bucky pulled his pants down, Steve didn't blame him.

Bucky protested automatically. "But I can't get myself hard, much less jerk off. It wasn't allowed..." Bucky stopped suddenly as the venn diagram formed in his head and he saw the same untapped category that Steve did. "You're saying we should try something where I don't touch my cock and don't see your cock. So you want to..."

"Try giving you a suckjob, yes." Steve tried not too look too eager. Just because he'd been wanting to since he was 15 didn't mean Bucky felt the same way. Especially not with whatever Hydra's done.

Bucky pondered this possibility for a moment, then rolled to a half-sitting position. "And what's to stop me from seeing or smelling *your* cock?"

Steve gestured to his USO girl outfit. "You don't see it now, do you? And I figured like this I look about as Not-Hydra as I can get."

And for the first time that night, Bucky seriously looked at Steve, REALLY looked. He swept his eyes slowly up and down Steve's torso, starting with the wide belt cinched around his waist and then followed the flare of his chest to the awkward jut of his shoulders under the too-wide collar and the sleeveless top, and finally up to Steve's face, still colored with lipstick and framed with blonde curls. Steve found himself blushing from the unexpected thrill of it -- it felt different from looks of admiration when he was dressed as Captain America, and it also felt different from the normal physical familiarity that he shared with Bucky. Steve couldn't stop an excited shiver from passing through him.

Bucky cracked a grin. "You like this, don't you, doll?"

Steve thrust his chin out and countered, "You like what you see?"

"Depends." Bucky stretched back lazily and spread his legs slightly in invitation. "You're the one with a plan." Steve grinned. Bucky was on board. Even though most of these attempts ended in awkwardness, he always enjoyed the mutual exploration in the beginning. It was fun to tackle something with Bucky that didn't involve punching people.

Steve slowly leaned over Bucky to push up his shirt and kiss a trail up his belly, pausing the circle each nipple lovingly with his tongue. His blonde curls cascaded in a curtain of blonde curls around his head, blocking off his peripheral vision and gently grazing Bucky's sides. Bucky's crotch jerked up in response, so Steve kissed his way back down and started unbuttoning Bucky's pants.

A part of him had hoped to find Bucky hard, but Steve could feel from the unzipping process that was not to be. He carefully dug out Bucky's flaccid cock and looked up. Bucky was peering at him with a slight frown -- not triggered, but also a bit... nervous? Steve licked his lips and smiled, mouthing "I love you". As Bucky relaxed, he returned to the task at hand. He'd waited so long for this: Bucky's cock in his hands, his to nuzzle and taste and kiss. A way to show how much he loved Bucky. Eagerly he dove into this little slice of heaven between Bucky's legs.

Eventually he felt a gentle tug at his wig, and looked up from his blissful sucking and nuzzling. "I'm sorry, Steve." Bucky looked apologetic. "It's been 20 minutes. I don't think it's going to work."

It's true that Bucky had remained soft, but...Steve looked down longingly. "C'mon, Bucky, maybe if I keep going...."

Bucky laughed. "I know you can do this all night, Steve. But it's getting kind of boring for me. So how about you come back up here and let me kiss you and properly enjoy that cute outfit of yours?"

Steve blushed, suddenly aware of the way the skirt accentuated his ass. Maybe, with his cock carefully tucked away, they can get a little further than their usual groping. He started a slow climb back up along Bucky's body, trying to move as gracefully as he could, and keeping his eyes on Bucky's face this time. Steve was rewarded by the warm lust in Bucky's eyes and a firm spank on his ass as Bucky pulled him in for a hungry kiss. "C'mere, doll."

This part was familiar -- the kissing, the fondling. Bucky may have grabbed Steve's ass a bit more, and Steve did his part in teasing Bucky with his hair. There was a fun moment where Bucky straddled Steve and squeezed his tits together and dipped down to nuzzle between them, which made Steve flush and whine in a way he didn't think was possible. With his hard cock neatly tucked away and the underwear absorbing his pre-cum, Steve almost expected this lovely teasing to continue forever. But then Bucky's face twitched in the now-familiar way as Steve was grinding on top of Bucky.

With a sigh, Steve pushed off of Bucky and stood up. Now was the part where Steve'd usually go into the other room to finish up without bothering Bucky. But... something about the skirt and the kissing and the earlier conversation made Steve sit back down instead. Bucky gave him a puzzled look as Steve gestured for him to turn on his side. "What? I don't need to finish every time, y'know."

Bucky smiled, carefully zipped up his pants and stretched himself along the couch, facing out. "I guess not."

Steve laid himself down along Bucky, carefully positioning himself to not trigger Bucky. "That was fun." Steve wiggled his butt lazily as he settled into the spooning. "And you got pretty into the 'doll' thing."

Bucky wrapped his right arm possessively around Steve's midriff. "Well, what can I do when you flush so prettily?"

Steve turned slightly to kiss at Bucky's stifled yawn. "Mmmm. What indeed?"

As Steve stifled a yawn himself and slowly drifted off, he took stock: zero orgasms, but also zero triggers. And some fun discoveries along the way. Not bad, all things considered.

btw I figured out the 5+1, although I think the rest of the "chapters" are going to be pretty short, since I've basically run out of ways for the sex to not-work. (Especially since I personally define sex so loosely.)

Also, small moment of mourning for Steve and Bucky's motorcycle ride home that I cut out, where Steve's skirt flies in his face and Bucky almost falls off because the Weiner Soldier costume was too unwieldy.

Re: Fill: Horizontal Tango [3/?] Re: The sex is just never going to be okay (but Bucky sort of is)

(Anonymous) - 2015-11-17 19:47 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Fill: Horizontal Tango [3/?] Re: The sex is just never going to be okay (but Bucky sort of is)

(Anonymous) - 2015-11-18 08:59 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Fill: Horizontal Tango [3/?] Re: The sex is just never going to be okay (but Bucky sort of is)

(Anonymous) - 2015-11-18 23:24 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Fill: Horizontal Tango [3/?] Re: The sex is just never going to be okay (but Bucky sort of is)

(Anonymous) - 2015-11-18 23:30 (UTC) - Expand

Bahaha, the image of Weiner Soldier and USO girl Steve and Bucky will forever be etched into my brain.

Re: Fill: Horizontal Tango [3/?] Re: The sex is just never going to be okay (but Bucky sort of is)

(Anonymous) - 2015-11-18 23:33 (UTC) - Expand

Steve was staring at Bucky's hand. "Explain to me again how you got this... er... upgrade?"

Bucky shrugged. "I was just chatting with Tony about this and that." It was hard to explain to Steve how chatting with Tony worked. They were ostensibly testing out Tony's new hack of the Howling Commandos video game. But somewhere between talking about weapons systems and the new Starbuck latte, they also ended up talking about sex and long term relationships. Somehow by the end of it Tony had gotten it into his head that Bucky was looking to spice up his sex life, and managed to convince Bucky that the upgrade would only take 5 minutes. It took eight.

Steve looked a bit skeptical. "And... how will this be different from all the other implements we tried?"

"Well, this is going to be *me*, much finer control, and much more powerful. I should be able to stimulate your prostate enough to jerk you off without interacting with your cock." And oh god Bucky wanted to be the one to make Steve orgasm. He remembered how sex worked, from before. The way the girl's legs would tense around his head, the way they would moan and twitch as he hit all the right spots in the right rhythm with his cock. The pleasure of bringing someone else to orgasm was almost as good as getting there himself --- and if it felt that good with the girls he was dating, Bucky wanted that tenfold with Steve.

Steve looked dubious. "And what about ejaculation? You'd still end up seeing or smelling it..."

Bucky smiled and pulled out a small vial. "Something I picked up from Clint -- temporarily blocks my sense of smell. I think maybe he wheedled it off of Bruce? Anyway, he uses it whenever he has to clean out his fridge. Lasts 30 minutes for him, so probably only 10 minutes for me. But it should be enough if we apply it at the right time."

Steve grinned. "Then what are we waiting for?"

They ended up opting for the bed this time. As they got ready, Bucky tried not to think of the box of failed sex implements under the bed, and instead concentrated on the mission: jerk Steve off.

After some maneuvering, they ended up with Steve lying face up and Bucky to the side. Steve discretely covered his cock with a blanket, and Bucky stayed in his jeans. They started with the usual kissing and grinding, which soon escalated to nips all along the torso, until finally Bucky slicked up his left hand and slipped it under the blanket. At the same time, Steve opened the vial and held it to Bucky's nose, and Bucky inhaled deeply. They were ready.

It was easy enough to find Steve's hole, and after a few gentle probes he pressed one finger all the way in. He knew he found the right spot when Steve suddenly arched and moaned into Bucky's neck. When Bucky turned his hand on, Steve's moans turned hurried, desperate. "Please, Bucky." Steve moaned. "Let me kiss you." Bucky leaned in and .... tasted nothing.

And that's when Bucky realized the horror of his situation: in order to be present for Steve's orgasm, he had to dull his senses so much that he might as well be in the other room. He couldn't even enjoy it.

When Steve came he shuddered and screamed into Bucky's shoulder. Bucky just pulled his finger out and held Steve close while he waited for his senses to come back. He tried to respond appropriately to Steve's eager kisses, but as Steve calmed down into nuzzling Bucky's shoulder, Bucky closed his eyes to stop the tears. This wasn't what he wanted.

By this point Bucky had resigned himself to not being able to bring himself to orgasm. Hydra took plenty of other things from him, and he'd long since decided that he'd rather work around those issues than dwell in self-pity. But he gave himself a small moment here. Was it really to much to want to experience orgasm with Steve? To truly be present for the pleasure and the touch? Did Hydra have to take that, too?

As if in answer, Bucky's senses suddenly came back full blast, and he had to hurry out of the room to avoid the smell of ejaculate hanging in the air. He took some extra time drinking water in the kitchen and composing himself, so by the time he returned, Steve was all cleaned up and sitting nervously on the bed. "Bucky? Was that ...? Did that work for you?"

Bucky sat down heavily on the bed and thought about what Tony said that afternoon about things you keep from your partner. Then he thought back to what Steve had said at the beginning of this endeavor: relationships, and sex, required honesty. "No. Not exactly. I wanted to feel you, Steve. But with all these extra layers ... I couldn't. Not properly." He couldn't bear to look at Steve -- they'd both been trying so hard.

Steve moved to the edge of the bed and wrapped his arms tightly around Bucky, and Bucky leaned gratefully into it. This, he could feel. At least he had this. He wasn't the Winter Soldier anymore. He had friends. He had Steve. Things are generally all right. After a moment, he remembered to say, "At least you came pretty hard -- so that worked."

"Well, yes." Steve shrugged. "But it was mostly physical. If you aren't enjoying it, it doesn't really do it for me."

Bucky sighed and looked at his hand. "Well, I can't really put this in the failed sex toy box...."

Steve took Bucky's hand and examined it, then suddenly perked up. "Bet you can make a mean smoothie with that." He leapt up from the bed and started pulling Bucky toward the kitchen. "Come on, let's try it out. I'll chop up some bananas. You should wash it first, though."

Bucky smiled at the welcome distraction. "What, you *don't* want shit in your smoothie?" Make lemonade out of lemons. Right.

oh man

It's a million times worse that Steve came so hard and it still isn't working for either of them.

Re: Fill: Horizontal Tango [4/6] Re: The sex is just never going to be okay (but Bucky sort of is)

(Anonymous) - 2015-11-18 20:36 (UTC) - Expand

Once again, you did not disappoint. You basically got me at metal hand fingering.

Re: Fill: Horizontal Tango [4/6] Re: The sex is just never going to be okay (but Bucky sort of is)

(Anonymous) - 2015-11-18 23:39 (UTC) - Expand

Steve opened the door to the apartment to find Bucky already there, rummaging through the fridge. Bucky looked at the clock when he came in. "3am. Sam kick you out, too?"

Steve sat down at the kitchen table. "Yup. He said that no matter what, I should not stay overnight when it's the first time, that I had to go home and debrief." Steve had wanted to cuddle a bit more, but he knew Sam was right.

"Pretty much what Natalia said." Bucky plunked down in the chair next to him with a plate of celery and peanut butter. "Why is it that they're better at this than we are?"

"Well, we did agree on them because they're good, sexy people that we trust." Steve snagged a celery stick and chewed amicably. If he wanted to, he could just pretend this was one of their super-metabolism-driven midnight snacks.

But Bucky was quick to remind him that it wasn't. "So how did it go for you?"

"A bit awkward at first, but..." Steve thought back to the warm thickness of Sam's cock in his mouth, the way it felt in his ass, the soft scratches of his goatee against his chest. "It was good. Different." He couldn't help smiling at that. He'd almost forgotten what a stiffening cock looked and felt like. He also had a moment of panic halfway through, that he should be worried about something. But Sam just licked the precum off of Steve's cock before sliding down to taking in the rest of his length. "And what about you?"

Bucky smiled. A tight smile, but there was pride in it nonetheless. "Nothing for me, as usual. But I got her to come. Multiple times."

Steve quirked an eyebrow and gestured with the celery in his hand. "With your shake-maker?"

"Once, yeah. But the rest of it was all me." Bucky leaned back on his chair and a look of utter bliss flashed across his face. "I can still smell it."

Steve fought to tamp down the sudden pang of jealousy. Completely irrational, given that he was the one who brought up the idea of trying with other people in the first place, and didn't he just have an absolutely amazing time with Sam? But Steve couldn't help thinking about all the hundreds of times that Bucky had tensed up and had to leave the room. What Bucky was able to do with Natasha... he could never have that. He wanted to punch Hydra for taking this part of Bucky from him.

Instead, Steve shoved another celery stick in his mouth and said, "So maybe this should become a regular thing."

Bucky straightened and looked thoughtful. "I don't know, Steve. It was good, yes. And like you said, different."

"I'm sure we both mean easier." Steve regretted those words the second he spat them out, but it was too late. He was never good at keeping his mouth shut when he's feeling angry.

Bucky shot him a dark look. "Yes, you punk. Of course it was easier. But in case you haven't noticed, I don't do life on 'easier' mode, I do it on 'Steve Rogers' mode." Bucky stood half out of his chair. "Was it nice to actually be in the room with someone you like and get to fully enjoy their body? Of course. Was it less frustrating because there weren't those hundreds of failures hanging over my head? Duh." Bucky jabbed a finger at him. "And don't you *dare* say it wasn't like that for you and Sam."

And just as suddenly, Bucky deflated and sat back down. "But after... I just kept wishing I could do some of that... ANY of that... with you." Bucky buried his head in his hands. "It was easier because it wasn't you. But you are what I want." His voice came out muffled, the way he'd sound when he's trying hard not to cry. "And that's not fair to Natalia. I should...."

Steve reached across the table and pulled Bucky's hands from covering his face. "Stop it, Bucky." Steve said as gently as he could. "Don't deny yourself a good thing just because you want something else. You do that enough when it's just between us." Bucky blinked slowly, not quite comprehending, but nodded. "At the very least, you should ask Nat about it before you decide that it's not fair to her."

Steve continued, making his apology how he can. "And you're absolutely right -- about me and Sam, about this whole ... arrangement. It's easier, but it's not US." Bucky nodded again, and let Steve lead him to sit on the couch and hold him tight. "C'mon, Buck, let's do our thing for a bit."

Slowly, Steve felt Bucky relax under his hands. Finally, Bucky sighed. "So... is this it? We just can't have proper sex with each other?"

Steve grasped for something to say. Bucky was right, of course -- they've got plenty of evidence that sex just isn't going to work. But he's also wrong in that.... "Remember how I spent all of the Cyclone ride vomiting my guts out?" Bucky nodded, not quite sure where Steve was going with this. Steve had refused Bucky's charity, so it took half of the summer to save up enough money for Coney Island. By then he'd researched all of the rides and shows. 'I always said it was you who made me ride it, but the truth was ... I wanted to. More than anything." Bucky looked up at Steve -- this was a version of events that he hadn't heard before. "And after failing at that, the rest of Coney Island just felt like a consolation prize. The ferris wheel, the food and sideshows... even that bear you won for me at the shooting range."

Bucky laughed. "That bear. It was the best prize I'd won for anybody and I really wanted you to like it. But you just shoved it back at me and told me to take *it* on the Cyclone with me."

"I later showed that bear to Howard as a model for Bucky Bear, y'know." Bucky's startled look meant that he didn't know that, either.

"But that meant that you..."

"Of course, Bucky." Steve pulled Bucky into a gentle kiss. "Because you're *never* the consolation prize."

And as he felt Bucky's kisses grow more urgent under him, Steve figured they'd be all right after all.

a!a

Because it's gonna bother me otherwise -- a small note here to say that I think if Steve and Bucky's sexual relationship weren't so broken, they'd manage a perfectly functional monogamish/poly relationship with Sam and Nat. And that's probably what they eventually set up. The first debrief is just hard, is all. Especially when you can't say "wow what you did with them sounds hot, let's do some of that ourselves."

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[+1]

They ran as fast as they could from the exploding Hydra base, and still Bucky could feel the heat scorching his back. Another 10 minutes and finally they were far enough away, and Bucky promptly collapsed at the foot of a tree -- his legs were screaming in pain. He knew that the Winter Soldier would have just ignored it and kept going, but as Bucky Barnes, he deserved a rest after what just happened. Steve sat down more gingerly next to him, wincing a bit as he did so.

"Well, that was thoroughly horrible." Bucky reached out to hold Steve's left hand as Steve called for air pickup with his right. "I didn't know Hydra still had *that* up their sleeve."

"Hey, it's all right." Steve laughed bitterly, snapping the phone shut and leaning heavily against the tree. "What's a little forced sex between two people in a committed long term relationship?"

Bucky choked out a laugh. "Yeah, it wasn't like Hydra succeeded in a few days what we've been trying and failing to do for the last year. We should really send them a gift basket." All joking aside, it really *was* horrible. It was an ambush, and they got immediately separated. Then for two days it was the usual regimen for Bucky -- tests, drugs, and the chair. He shuddered at how easy it was for him to revert to the Winter Soldier. His therapist would call it survival instincts. But by the time they pumped him full of aphrodisiacs and lead him to Steve on the third day, it felt like just another mission.

Looking back now, Bucky could process the full horror of the situation -- Steve suspended from the ceiling, spider gag in his mouth, knife and whip scars all over his body in different states of healing. Blood and cum dripped from his face and his hole, loose from the continuous rapes. Who knew what else they'd done to Steve in the two days.

It was supposed to be Steve's final humiliation: to have the restored and docile Winter Soldier fuck Captain America at Hydra's command. Hydra sure loved spectacle -- first they made Bucky suck off everyone in the room while Steve watched. Then they maneuvered Steve's arms and legs around like a puppet to their desired angle of entry, and ordered Bucky to fuck Steve's mouth and ass.

"Fuck, that was horrible." Bucky said again. "I'm sorry about raping you like that. Rape sucks." Understatement of the year. Especially when you're being raped by the shell of a the man who was your husband.

Steve tightened his grip on Bucky's hand. "It's all right. I made you come, for once. I guess that counts for something." Bucky sat up to lean against the tree next to Steve. This way they could hold hands without having to look at each other. "Plus you took the opportunity to weaken my chains with that new hand upgrade."

Bucky frowned. Was that what he was doing? It was all really confusing. The Winter Soldier part of him saw it as just another day, another mission. He shuddered at how easy it was to suck cock as the Winter Soldier. Suck, fuck, be fucked, it hardly mattered. Guess the debilitating triggers he experienced as Bucky Barnes really *was* a sign that he'd recovered his humanity.

But if he were weakening the chains at the same time, that meant that the Bucky part of him was fighting back. He didn't remember events very well as the Winter Soldier -- they were just a series of tasks completed, without much personal context. "You made me come? I don't remember." His own orgasm wasn't part of the mission parameters. "All I remember was that they were really angry at me for something, and then they ordered me to suck you off. Ugh." Bucky leaned into Steve and said again, because it was the only thing he could say. "I'm sorry."

Steve sighed and pulled Bucky in closer while picking at a scab along his thigh. "That was our first time, Buck." He stroked Bucky's hair gently. "It shouldn't have been like that."

"For what it's worth, it was the look on your face when you came that turned off my conditioning." The sight of Steve crying angry tears as he came in Bucky's mouth.... "I knew that it was something that mattered to ME. Not a mission, not an order. But something that I'd wanted for a long time. Except not like that." All that wanting and not-wanting, it was like he was back on the helicarrier again. Bucky remembered the flood of emotions that followed -- joy at the taste of Steve's cum, distress at what he'd just forced out of Steve, and finally, cold rage at what Hydra had done.

"Well, we got out, and now they're just a pile of rubble." Steve's voice echoed the same rage that Bucky felt.

They stayed quiet, holding each other a bit longer. It felt nice, nestled in Steve's shoulder like this. Bucky knew that it's going to take time for Steve' to process what happened to him. Heck, Hydra's tricks are old hat to Bucky by now, but it's still going to take him a LOT of therapy sessions to process this. But there's one thing he needed to confirm now. Before the quinjet arrives for pickup, before all the doctors and the debrief sessions.

"Steve?"

"Hmm?"

"We're gonna be okay, right? We're going to work through this. Together. Like all the other times." Well, there weren't exactly other times where Bucky was forced to fuck Steve, but Bucky figured Steve knew what he was talking about. This whole experience probably set the Sex Problem back to zero.

"Y'know, they really wanted me to come from what they were doing to me, so they kept injecting me with these vials of ... something." Steve said suddenly.

"Oh yeah, that's some top brand aphrodisiacs custom-made for super-soldiers. Before you came along I was pretty much the sole test subject and recipient." Bucky supposes that he could laugh about it now. "Sexual torture is Hydra's favorite kind, and Hydra takes their work seriously."

"Well, I snagged a couple before we blew everything up." Steve admitted with a forced lightness in his voice. "I don't think I'd want to do anything any time soon, but maybe..."

Bucky turned and gave Steve a tight hug and a gentle peck on his cheek. "Oh my god, you punk." Bucky shook his head in wonderment. This punk who didn't know when to stop. Who'd think to grab some of the tools of his torture just because it might help Bucky with his broken dick. Bucky was the luckiest man alive to be married to this punk. "I love you so fucking much."

Steve smiled and gave him a chaste kiss in return. And Bucky couldn't stop grinning. Yup. They're going to make it through this just fine.

ALL RIGHT I AM DONE. With... whatever this was. oTL. I suppose the thesis statement is: Sex is miserable but the relationship will survive.

Sorry to everyone who was expecting actually happy and successful sex with the +1. I was writing this and going "shit so this was where all the trash was hiding. Good job, id" :0

Also, feel free to imagine Bucky being lead into the room on a leash. Cause I totally was. :3

The sex is just never going to be okay (but Bucky sort of is)

Re: The sex is just never going to be okay (but Bucky sort of is)

Re: The sex is just never going to be okay (but Bucky sort of is)

Re: The sex is just never going to be okay (but Bucky sort of is)

Re: The sex is just never going to be okay (but Bucky sort of is)

Fill: Horizontal Tango [1/?] Re: The sex is just never going to be okay (but Bucky sort of is)

Re: Fill: Horizontal Tango [1/?] Re: The sex is just never going to be okay (but Bucky sort of is)

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Re: Fill: Horizontal Tango [4/6] Re: The sex is just never going to be okay (but Bucky sort of is)

Re: Fill: Horizontal Tango [4/6] Re: The sex is just never going to be okay (but Bucky sort of is)

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AO3 link: Horizontal Tango