hydratrashmeme | Dumpster #2: ...'Cause a Hydra Trash Party don't stop

It takes Steve a while to get to sleep. He keeps thinking about the flatness of Bucky’s voice, the way he’d talked about himself, and everything that lay behind it. He keeps replaying every time they’ve been together and reevaluating it. Sure, Bucky’s cagey about being touched. Steve figured it that was to be expected, and half the time he’ll circle back, to press his hand to Steve’s back or shoulder if nothing else. There’s also the way he kisses, lips pressed closed no matter what.

Bucky had been the one to take it into the bedroom. Steve remembers being distantly surprised – he’d figured the rest of it was a sign that Bucky wanted to go slow, and he was fine with that. But with Bucky straddling his hips, grinding against him and laughing a scant inch away from his mouth, Steve is ashamed to say he hadn’t thought too hard about it. He still hadn’t thought when Bucky got on his knees and sucked him down without a moment’s hesitation. Steve wasn’t the jealous kind. It wasn’t like he had some sort of proprietary interest or expected everyone to be as inexperienced as him. Sure, when he’d tried to put one hand on Bucky’s head he’d ended up getting it pinned to the mattress, but since that meant that Bucky’s left hand was the one steadying his hips, Steve had had other things on his mind. And afterwards when he tried to pull Bucky up Bucky had done some kind of song and dance routine about having already gotten off when he was down there, he just couldn’t wait, and made an excuse that Steve can’t even remember to go into the bathroom, and Steve is an idiot for ever buying it.

If you push me down and – And if he had never learned to talk that way, where had Bucky? Where had he been taught – Been made to –

Sam had tried to talk to him about this, but Steve had been tired and tetchy and snapped that of course he knew it was a possibility, he wasn’t born yesterday. But anything had seemed vaguely possible in those days. It was another thing to be confronted with the reality of it, especially when that reality was Bucky lying there saying I want you to fuck my hole with all the strength and enthusiasm of a rag doll.

And then there had been the time on the couch, when Steve had pushed him down. By then Steve should have known something was wrong, but he’d figured it was him. It wasn’t like he’d had much of a chance to try all this out. And Bucky had pulled Steve down on top of him, gasped in his ear and arched up against his hand and pulled his own pants off – Steve realizes with a jolt that Bucky had always done that. He’d always taken it for eagerness, just like he’d half-bought every excuse that Bucky was just tired, they’d had him do something in PT that still hurt awful bad and he couldn’t really enjoy it, he’d gotten off ten minutes ago in the shower and he feels awful that he didn’t wait but won’t Steve let him make it up...

When Steve opens the kitchen door the next morning he’s hit with the smell of saddle soap, newsprint, and vinegar. Bucky’s sitting at the table with his gear spread out on newspapers, every component piece of the get-up Hydra put him in. Steve hadn’t even been sure if he still owned it, and now he can’t help but stare at it. The jacket is laid out flat, its straps making it look like the ribcage of some dead animal. A neatly-folded pile at the table’s far end has to be some kind of under layer. Beside the jacket is a belt, harness, holster, single glove, and the muzzle and goggles, which seem like they’re staring right back at him. The room is a little too warm and the smell makes it oppressive. Bucky hasn’t even cracked the window. He has a mug of coffee at his elbow and his hair falls over his eyes as he leans forward to scrub at one boot. When he sees Steve in the doorway he stands so fast the boot and brush clatter to the floor. There's a moment of silence when Steve wonders if he's going to bolt, then Bucky says,

"About last night –"

"You don't have to say anything."

“Let me finish,” Bucky snaps. He takes a breath, picks a rag up off the table and starts wiping his hands with it as he speaks. "I was a real bastard last night. And I said things I shouldn't have said. I just – I had thought maybe things could be different and I guess I let it get to me. But you didn't have to hear it like that, and I'm sorry."

This is great, I love the whole part about the different excuses and techniques Bucky used to keep Steve from noticing his triggers and that he couldn't get off. Bucky cleverly trying to hide how messed up he is is so wonderful. I just think is really well written too. I don't understand what's up with Bucky cleaning the Winter Soldier gear though? Are we going to find out?

Bucky's going to talk more in the next segment, but there was no big secret to the Winter Soldier outfit (except maybe me indulging in the metaphor of his past being dragged out of the closet). Unlike Steve Bucky didn't sleep at all, and he needed something to do. Deciding to clean his old gear instead of, like, the oven was definitely an exercise in self-flagellation though.

This is amazing!

The way you depict Steve looking back on his interactions with Bucky is great; we get what Steve thought at the time, what he understands now, his self-recrimination based on his new understanding, and what we can figure out about what was going on in Bucky's head. You pack a lot of characterization into that, and I continue to love it. Steve tries to be so understanding! Oh, it's understandable that Bucky has issues with touch. Nothing unremarkable about Bucky not letting his hands in his hair. Not Steve's business if Bucky is a surprise pro at blowjobs. And all of that is true, it's just that he wasn't putting the pieces together...

The time on the couch you mention is fascinating to me. So Steve pushed Bucky down and Bucky snaps into a fawn response? Is that what's going on with the eagerness that so concerns Steve now?

I really like the line you slipped in about the difference between the acknowledgment that yeah, okay, Bucky might possibly have been raped, and the certain knowledge that he was and it's still affecting him -- though Steve's narration never actually uses the word rape (is it that he can't bring himself to?). You can never imagine the full reality beforehand. How could Steve truly predict or comprehend the scope of what happened to Bucky before getting it slammed in his face? As a side note, I'm making myself sad picturing Sam trying to delicately and tactfully broach the topic with a Steve who is just not ready to handle everything contained within that possibility.

Also, way to break my heart with Bucky thinking that "maybe things could be different," being so desperate for that that he lets his veneer of control slip. Am I reading too much into it, assuming that line means he's giving up on sex altogether? I read that as: he's in that unhealthy black-and-white mental space that comes from being desperate for something without having stable ground from which to want it, where the only two options are perfect success or permanent failure. Anyway, another thing I loved was his response to seeing Steve, both the way he bolts up from the table and his apology. Because he probably never meant to reveal as much as he did in the heat of the moment. I get the sense that Bucky's trauma and anger lead him to act in ways he feels ashamed about later (which is characterization I could lick, btw).

Great update!

I do think there was some naïveté on Steve's part in the past in the sense that he was assuming that of course Bucky was being honest and of course he'd tell Steve if anything was wrong. It's one thing to know that in these situations rape is a possibility. It's another to think about the idea that your oldest and dearest friend (with whom you have recently begun a sexual relationship) has been raped so often and for so long that it's become his dominant experience, and as part of his abuse has had his sexual response re-wired for maximum humiliation on his part/pleasure on his rapists'. I also wonder if Sam's version of that conversation might be "I tried to bring it up bring it up and Steve didn't want to hear it."

Well, Steve is definitely wondering if that was what happened. For the record I think Bucky was 100% enthusiastically consenting every time – the whole problem for him is that he does genuinely feel desire, it's just that his body and/or mind can't go with it. There will be more actual Bucky talking next segment and I don't want to give the game away as to that, but a lot of "things could be different" is "I thought I could have a satisfying sexual relationship without revealing the extent of my trauma and/or doing things that I find incredibly triggering and degrading." (Don't worry, dear reader, it's not as much of an either/or proposition as he thinks, this is not that kind of trash). If Bucky could have kept lying forever I think he would have. He certainly didn't want Steve to hear it in the same terms his torturers used, but that stuff's in deep. They both have a long way to go.

It's another to think about the idea that your oldest and dearest friend (with whom you have recently begun a sexual relationship) has been raped so often and for so long that it's become his dominant experience, and as part of his abuse has had his sexual response re-wired for maximum humiliation on his part/pleasure on his rapists'.

I feel incredibly sorry for Steve and Bucky and really excited about this fic.

It makes me happy that Bucky was in fact consenting, and also I love that you see Bucky as having wanted to hide this shit forever but then, when it came out, accidentally talking about it in the degrading language that's been ingrained in him, and then being pissed with himself for that. This is just a good.

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

(Anonymous) - 2015-01-27 05:00 (UTC) - Expand

absolutely loving this *offers mouldy cookies* I'm so glad the two of them are managing to talk to each other now

*lovingly tucks cookies into rusty tin*

"Do you mind if I sit down?" If they're going to have this talk now, Steve doesn't want to do it on his feet.

"Knock yourself out, it's your apartment too." Bucky toes the boots and brush under the table and sits down himself. Steve takes a chair that he judges so close as to get in Bucky's space but not so far as to possibly look like he's avoiding him, and he hates that he's making that calculation. He's just taking a breath to speak when Bucky adds, "I did mean the last part. That you should think about what you really want." He's still holding the rag and seems particularly intent on getting something out of the joints of his left hand.

"I did. And nothing's changed, at least not for me." He had thought about what it might be like to go back to the way things had been before. There had been a moment when they been young when something might have happened between them, but it didn't and he and Bucky both moved on. At least until now, when it had felt like they'd had a second chance. It wouldn't be easy for him, Steve wasn't going to lie, but he'd get used to it. Assuming, that was, that Bucky even wanted to be around him anymore. Natasha and Clint seemed to manage living in each other's back pockets just fine.

"Did you?" Bucky's voice is sharp again. "Because there is a whole ocean of stuff I haven't told you about. Sometimes even I don't know how deep it goes until I'm in it. Some of it won't ever go away. I got – used for a lot of things, and if you don't want to – to go where everyone's been, if you don't want to deal with that, that's fine."

"I don't care about those things. What I care about is whether you–" Steve's nails have been digging into his palm under the table and now they bite in even harder, because this is the thing that he stayed up trying to get his head around, the talk they needed to have no matter how hard it was for him to face it. "If there was ever anything I did to make you feel like you owed me or like there was only one right answer, I never meant to put you in a position like that. And that isn't what I would ever want, from you, from anybody. I care that this really is something that you want."

Steve has, to his shame, been looking at the tabletop, and when he drags his eyes up up Bucky is staring intently at him. The rag is flat against the table, clenched in his fingers.

"I want you," he says. "God help me, I want you."

There's unmistakable heat in his voice, and it breaks Steve's careful reserve. He reaches for Bucky's hand, but Bucky jerks away like he's been burned.

"Don't touch me like that."

"Is it because we had a fight? Because it's your left hand?"

"No, I mean don't touch my hand, don't touch my wrist." Bucky's voice has gone back to the hard, flat tone he had used last night.

Steve is suddenly flashing through every time he his hand had ended up landing on Bucky's forearm or thigh or fallen just a few inches short of Bucky's fingers, or when Bucky had just happened to move at that time and ended up touching Steve – arm, back, waist, leg – before Steve could touch him. Maybe he'd never put it together because it always played out differently, or maybe he'd just decided to see the answer he wanted to see. Steve takes a breath.

"Okay." He settles his own hand uselessly on the table, feeling like a fool. There's a brief silence, then Bucky shakes himself, stands, and motions at Steve.

"Come here, you. I can't stand seeing you looking all hangdog." He's all fondness now, and Steve wants to believe he means it. When he comes around the table he stops short, unsure of what to do. Bucky steps forward and puts his arms around Steve's shoulders and pulls him close. Steve puts a tentative hand on his back, pushes his face into Bucky's shoulder and drinks in the solidness of him. Bucky feels like he's not going anywhere, and Steve hopes it's true.

A/N: Whups, guess who forgot to anon? Hi, tracking people~!

And obviously, the comment above this should read 3/?. Wow, I'm with it tonight.

This is so good I'm so happy! I'm sure a lot of sad stuff is in the future but for now it's nice to see them just talking and being honest and mature about things. <3333

I really didn't want this to be the kind of story where nobody talks to anybody else... Not that it will be a panacea, of course, one must get one's emotional torment kicks somehow.

Aw, babies. My heart. I had to go back and read the first part of chapter 1 again to feel better. XD

Oh no.... I'm afraid it will be a bumpy ride, but they'll get there eventually!

I think one of my favorite things about this update was their difficult but honest communication (in huge and hilarious contrast to your other fill). You really get across how hard this is for them through body language; Steve, ashamed of himself but addressing his speech to the table; Bucky with his rag, obsessing over the cleanliness of his hand (and that helped create the powerful impact of the "I want you" line, by showing that Bucky had stopped paying attention to the rag). This is a very difficult, painful conversation for them both, but nevertheless they really try to express themselves and to understand where the other person is coming from. It's practically... healthy??

Another nice touch for their growing honest communication is that Bucky was able to command Steve not to touch his hands or wrists. That's a very tragic trigger -- I will admit that after you posted this I spent a lot of time thinking up scenarios for what could have created that trigger -- okay I know I put it in the prompt but I didn't really think it through then, it just seemed SAD, ANYWAY -- but I loved that he actually told Steve his hands were off-limits, instead of doing yet another little dance to hide it. It seems that now the trash cat is out of the bag, he's more willing to be open about what is and isn't okay for him.

But as for what is still unhealthy, the way Bucky talks about himself is still so sad. Not just that he "got used," which is language that distances itself from the reality of what to done with him, but also that he thinks it would be perfectly understandable that Steve might not want to go "where everyone's been." Like he doesn't quite see himself as a person who has inherent value that can never be taken away. And there's a lot of layers of implication in his line that Steve might not want to "deal with that": deal with what, exactly? Deal with having something tarnished, with whatever feelings of disappointment or disgust Bucky imagines he'll have? Or deal with Bucky's problems, deal with what Bucky's already dealing with inside himself?

Also they HUGGED and Steve TUCKED HIS FACE INTO BUCKY'S SHOULDER and I am EMOTIONAL.

It was important to me to write characters who at least understand the concept of talking to each other, not least of all because I can't stand stories whose entire plot could be averted if only they would ~~act like grown ups~~ have a conversation. Also, it was really difficult to see Steve going ahead with things before getting the whole... consent question cleared up. Now, will this solve things? Only time will tell.

This fill has made me spend a lot of time thinking about the... nexus of intimacy and control and how those might have been used. I didn't want to derail things into a very special episode titled Bucky Sets A Boundary, but that's part of why he's so assertive there. Sure, Steve says he'll listen, but what will he actually do when told no? I don't think Bucky really believed it up until then. And he's still very much in a place of feeling like he's been changed into... a thing for someone else's pleasure. He knows better than to reiterate it in the cold light of day, but he meant the broken toy line too.

Well. I had to give them at least a little sweetness after everything else. :P

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

(Anonymous) - 2015-02-04 23:19 (UTC) - Expand

loved this, so good to see them talking and working out how to do this together

The first time they try it, everything seems like it’s going well right until they’re both naked and Steve is kneeling between Bucky’s spread legs. He looks up and immediately forgets whatever he was going to say, because Bucky has his eyes screwed shut. It’s the face of someone who’s tensing for a blow. He turns his face into the pillow and grits out, “Just put it in me already,” and Steve feels like he’s been doused with a bucket of ice water. He pulls back as Bucky goes “Wait, shit,” under his breath. There’s a moment when, absurdly, all Steve can think is what the hell he’s going to do with his hand, which is sticky with lubricant and had just moments ago been on Bucky’s dick and other places, and then Bucky’s right in front of him, biting his lower lip and looking worried.

“Look, I didn’t mean all that,” he says in a rush. “Come back. Let’s pretend I never said anything, please.” Bucky reaches his right hand up to cup the side of Steve’s neck and pull him in for a kiss. It’s wet and open against the corner of his mouth, and he can’t help but lean into it a little but as soon as he does Bucky’s gone, sucking little kisses against his jawline, the other side of his neck. The fingers of his left hand tangle with Steve’s lube-sticky ones, and the hand on his neck slides down his back to guide him forward, pulling them down together. It’s tender, and it’s all the things they haven’t done before. It’s all wrong.

This time, Steve has to fight a little to move away. “Bucky, whatever this act is you can drop it.”

“Do you want me to turn over? Get a gag?” Bucky’s voice is a little more desperate now, his eyes scanning up and down Steve’s body, and the slight breathiness Steve had chalked up to exertion is still there. “I’ll get you hard again, you know I’m good at it.”

Steve has to practically swat his hands away from his hips. “No, I don’t want any of that stuff!” It comes out sharper than he means. His mind is roiling with the implications of everything that that just happened. He wants to reach out and hang on to Bucky and he wants to never have sex again, but most of all he wants Bucky back to normal, and maybe some time to sort themselves out so they can talk about this at pretty much any other time. “I don’t want to have sex tonight, okay?” He emphasizes the first word, hoping this will be what it takes for them to get some space, for Bucky to have enough time to cool down and get out of whatever place he’s gone in his head.

It seems to work. Bucky draws back and doesn’t try to pull Steve with him. He scoots back until he’s sitting up against the pillows, flips the sheet over his lap, nods when Steve says they can talk in the morning once they’ve both have some sleep. Steve’s almost fully dressed, pulling his t-shirt over his head and trying not to think too hard about what it would take to wire someone to act like that, what kind of person would want that, how ready he’d been to offer to gag himself, when Bucky says, “Look, I’m sorry I can’t offer you your unspoiled fuckin’ virgin territory or whatever the hell it is you want.”

“It’s not about that, and you know it.” Steve knows he’s getting loud, but a distant part of him thinks that at least one thing hasn’t changed – they can still fight like two weasels in a bag.

“Really? Because I could swear I just heard you say that you didn’t want to fuck tonight.” Bucky’s on his feet, one hand holding the sheet around his waist.

“All right, I didn’t want to. I don’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t like it, that’s not sex, it’s –” The words stick in his throat, so he says, “I’m not going to do that.”

“I told you to keep going, that not good enough for you?”

“Yeah, it was one of the worst lies you’ve ever told. You can stop trying to tell me what you think I want to hear, or whatever this is.”

“Or what, are you afraid you’re gonna hurt me?” Bucky spits out with enough contempt that Steve could flinch. “Because let me tell you, Rogers, you’re average. I’ve taken more than –”

“Don’t –” Something about Steve’s voice makes Bucky actually stop, but he realizes he doesn’t know what he was going to say after that. Don’t talk that way. Don’t talk about yourself that way. Don’t drag them any further into this than they already are. “I don’t know why you’re doing this,” he says, fighting to keep his voice steady, “But I want you to stop. Please.”

“Fine.” Bucky’s voice is flat, but at least neither of them are shouting anymore. “I’m going to bed,” he announces, and lies down, pulls the sheet over him, and rolls over just like that.

Steve doesn’t go to bed. He grabs another shirt and a pair of sweatpants, goes down to the training floor, and spends the rest of the night dodging laser beams and blocking projectiles until there are feelers at the corners of his eyes and he can feel himself starting to bruise.

A/N: Now with 100% fewer HTML errors and correct numbering! Trash Mod, thank you for saving me from myself, you're a star.

Ugh I just love everything about this so much

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

(Anonymous) - 2015-04-04 05:24 (UTC) - Expand

I was so excited to see that this had updated! And it was fantastic! Your Bucky and Steve characterizations are to die for, and I can't wait for more.

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

(Anonymous) - 2015-04-04 05:24 (UTC) - Expand

asfdfihjsfik I just realized, oh my god - in the very first part, where Bucky jumps on Steve the minute he's in the door, he's so enthusiastic because he hasn't been able to get off for a month. MORE than a month, even! holy shit, he must be having a hell of a time in these early days, wanting Steve so badly and yet not being in control of his own body or what he wants to do with it. he's so angry and frustrated with himself and it hurts so good.

also I love the way you write their arguments, it really suits them. two weasels in a sack <3

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

(Anonymous) - 2015-04-04 21:45 (UTC) - Expand

Ohhhh, the image of Bucky lying in bed with a look on his face like he's expecting pain. Of course it would be terrifying, after seventy years of terrible experiences. I feel so bad for Bucky -- what a painful dilemma, to want something, and to be terrified of the only way of getting it.

The entire paragraph where Bucky tries to convince Steve to get back into it is amazing, because it's subtle, but you've got him crossing all his own boundaries and pulling his own triggers -- the open-mouthed kissing, enlacing their fingers. It's brilliant that Bucky's fake sex persona is tender. It's also super trashy in its implications; I'm with Steve, thinking about how the hell you program that response into someone, and the kinds of things he must have gone through, and how nightmarish it would be to carry those memories around.

Also omg he didn't mean to say something that would turn Steve off so clearly he should just GAG HIMSELF. BUCKY

Bucky's so insecure about not what being what Steve wants and it's so great to watch him express those insecurities in such a healthy way: by attacking Steve with them. Like, I love it. The virgin territory line! And bypassing Steve's actual concern about emotional hurt to be like, you can't hurt me, I've taken WAY WORSE. BUCKY

Steve still can't say the word 'rape' when it comes to Bucky, oh no. Man, this fic frustrates (in a very engaging way) when it comes to the communication thing; on the one hand I'm so happy to see them talking honestly and openly about their desires, needs, boundaries, etc., and on the other hand they're still absolutely skirting around the root problem. I want to see them work it out, but I also want to be emotionally tortured forever, sooo...

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 3/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 4/?