hydratrashmeme | Dumpster #2: ...'Cause a Hydra Trash Party don't stop

Bucky's repeated rapes have made being penetrated a minefield for him, and under different circumstances he and Steve would just stick to other things in bed. The complication is that due to extensive conditioning, Bucky can only come with a dick in his ass. I'd like to see Bucky and Steve trying to navigate these turbulent waters -- having to call it off a few times when Bucky starts to panic; figuring out that it works better if Bucky's riding Steve, because then at least he doesn't have someone's weight on him; Steve being careful about where he touches, because if he ever grabs Bucky's hips or hair, the night's over right then.

trash bonuses:

+ some unexpected, seemingly innocuous, sweet things are absolute no-gos for Bucky, like kissing or hand-holding, and it's heartbreaking for both of them
+ Bucky being so frustrated and embarrassed about his limitations that he tries to ignore them, and ends up hurting himself
+ Hydra made sure Bucky couldn't circumvent the rules with fingers or toys

Oh yeah! I love Bucky's Broken Dick and being triggered by kissing is especially sad

Please lord I'll do anything for this!

Please I hope someone writes this one!

“Do you know how long you’ve been gone?” Bucky had practically dragged Steve out of the elevator and now had him pressed against the wall, one hand up his shirt and the other, the left one, around his belt buckle.

“A – a month?” Steve hazards. It’s hard to think with Bucky’s cold knuckles lighting up his skin like that and Bucky’s thigh against his straining cock.

“Thirty two days,” Bucky grinds out. “And it was a week before that, we were so busy. And today you come in, and spend half the damn day doing a team briefing that a trainee field agent could have delivered –”

“It was half an hour, tops, and it wasn’t about –”

“While I have to sit there,” Bucky goes on, “Looking at you and not – Christ, I haven’t felt like this since I was a teenager. Come on,” he steps back and strips off his t-shirt, “I’m not waiting any longer. Get your clothes off.”

Steve’s sense returns just in time for him to say, “No.”

Bucky pauses and looks down at the carpet. “What, do you think you’ll get rug burn?”

“Because we’re not having sex on the front hall carpet. We’re just not.” Steve feels this shouldn’t even be a topic of debate. There are standards.

Steve’s standards last until the living room carpet. Bucky comes almost as soon as he gets Steve in him but he keeps going, fucking himself down onto Steve’s cock, left hand braced on Steve’s chest and the right moving up and down his own body. Half of Steve wants to grab Bucky and pull him right where Steve wants him, to drive their hips and press their bodies together just so, but the other half of him knows that the minute his hands get on Bucky’s hips this will be over. He settles one on Bucky’s thigh, feeling the clench and coil of muscles under the skin, and reaches up to pull him down for a kiss.

They make it work. They didn’t always.

Steve never gave up on anything, and he’s not going to start with Bucky. Still, even he has to admit this blowjob is probably a lost cause. His jaw is sore, and Bucky’s stopped making those encouraging noises. When Bucky’s hand comes back in his hair Steve sucks with renewed hope, sore jaw be damned, but instead Bucky’s pulling him up, saying “No, no, stop it.” When Steve looks up at him he’s propped on one elbow, mouth tight. He doesn’t look like someone who’s even within a mile of getting off.

“This is bullshit.” Bucky flops back down to stare at the ceiling. “Let’s call it a night.”

Steve wipes the lower part of his face on the hem of his shirt, partly because it gives him a moment and partly because he can’t have this conversation with spit running down his chin. “There’s gotta be something – Bucky, I can’t keep getting mine and then leaving you high and dry, that’s not a relationship, that’s...” He trails off because there’s no nice word for that, in his opinion. No word he wants near Bucky. “There’s gotta be something we can work out.”

There’s silence for a few moments, then Bucky says almost sullenly, “There’s one thing we haven’t tried.” When Steve doesn’t say anything, he makes an awkward motion with his hands, one palm against the other, sliding back and forth.

“You mean fuck each other,” Steve supplies.

“Yeah, that.” Bucky goes back to looking at the ceiling.

Steve had felt like full-on sex was a bit of a tall order when he couldn’t even give Bucky a handjob right, but he says, “Of course, if that’s what you want,” at the same time that Bucky says, “That’ll do it.”

It’s the flatness and certainty in his voice that makes Steve realize this is going to be one of those conversations. He doesn’t want to do this when he’s kneeling on the floor with his cock still softening in his underwear – actually, he doesn’t want to do this at all – so he gets up, then realizes there probably is no right place to be for this. He settles for grabbing the hard-backed chair Bucky uses to lay out his clothes for the next morning and sitting in it.

Bucky doesn’t seem to be interested in sitting up, putting on any pants, or saying anything else at the moment, so Steve goes on, “There are other things we can try. There are a lot more ways for people to – to get off than there used to be. Even if they have problems.” He’s had some version of this speech brewing in his head for a while but that doesn’t make it any easier now.

“Won’t work,” says Bucky flatly. “The only way I’m getting off is your cock, my hole.”

“We can still –”

“No,” Bucky interrupts, shoving himself back up on his elbows, and now he’s loud and angry, the way that he can turn on a dime these days, “The only way I’m going to come is if you push me down and use my hole because that’s how it is now. Do you want to know how I know?”

Steve doesn’t say anything because he can’t trust himself to keep his voice steady. This is Bucky’s thing, spitting the worst of his past out like bullets and seeing who will run. He went through a lot of therapists that way. Steve feels like he’s been hit in the chest. He makes himself breathe in, reminds himself that he’s never run from anything.

“We’re not going to do anything you don’t want to do. Ever.”

“I want you to fuck my hole,” Bucky says dully, and that’s it, anger wins out over sorrow in Steve and he can’t hold it in anymore.

“Stop saying that!” There’s a crack underneath him where he’s broken off one of the slats underneath the chair. “You don’t mean it, you aren’t even trying to sound like you mean it, and stop talking about it like it’s something that’s filthy.”

Steve stands up, partly because the chair isn’t going to hold for much longer, partly because he can’t stay still for much longer. He bends down to pick up the shirt that had been hanging on the back of the chair, and when he straightens Bucky is sitting bolt upright on the bed. When he speaks, his voice is quiet and hard.

“You want me to pretend sex is some kind of soft-focus, silk sheet fantasy? There is no part of me that hasn’t been used. You’re getting a broken toy, Steve. Maybe you should go and think about whether that’s what you really want.”

Jesus I love that fight between them - Bucky throwing his trauma in people's faces is so real and painful. Ngl that is exactly how it is with me and I never even thought about it.

I thought about it from a couple different angles. How do you tell someone about painful things when you can't bring yourself to be vulnerable? And sometimes trauma/triggers don't make you implode, they make you lash out at whoever's there, be it yourself or someone else. In this case, Bucky has himself and Steve, and he goes for both.

SCREAMING

Hello I am the OP of this prompt and you've made my night. I'm so thrilled this is getting a fill, and that it's so good!!

THINGS I LOVE:

- How sweet and hot and familiar their dynamic is in the first section, and in the sex the lovely balance between being comfortable with each other and careful of triggers; I like how that creates the feeling that they've really accepted the roadblocks in their sex life, and it's lovely.

- AND THEN BY CONTRAST how awkward this early attempt is! Again your character work is phenomenal, with Steve as determined and wanting to make it better and Bucky as surly, prickly, and aggressive, which is my personal favorite way for his hurt to manifest. Bucky is so clearly furious at being (what he feels is) obligated to let Steve fuck him, but is still resigned to it, which brings me to:

- Bucky telling Steve that he's going to have to "push him down" and use him, like wow; even though he feels safe enough to attempt sex, he has a hard time envisioning penetration as genuinely consensual. He's so unhappy about everything in this situation and he still pushes to go forward. You do a really great job of depicting how fucked up he is about this.

- Always: STEVE.

- ALSO Bucky describing himself as a broken toy. Stop it, stop this

In short, this is amazing so far and I am happy.

Oh man, I am SO HAPPY that you like this! Especially since right after I posted it I re-read the prompt and was really worried that this Bucky might be way angrier than you wanted. I'm equally happy you liked Steve because he was really tough for me, I spent so much time questioning all my life choices for making him the POV. :P One of the things I find most interesting about post-WS Bucky is the idea of him being mostly recovered, mostly functional, but still having these really deeply-held views of how things work that are completely fucked up. In this case, he really has next to no conception of sex as anything other than a power play. At least not for him, not any more. And he doesn't want to do that to Steve, so it follows that he will let Steve will do it to him. Originally in that little speech at the end he told Steve that sex was filthy and all about who uses who, and don't Steve try to argue about that, Bucky's had more sex than him.

"mostly recovered, mostly functional, but still having these really deeply-held views of how things work that are completely fucked up" that is SO GOOD you are an angel!--different anon

No need to worry, you managed to land right on my favorite interpretation of Bucky! You also pulled off Steve masterfully, so the effort paid off.

One of the things I find most interesting about post-WS Bucky is the idea of him being mostly recovered, mostly functional, but still having these really deeply-held views of how things work that are completely fucked up.

YES, this is my JAM. A Bucky who is functional but damaged, in his beliefs or symptoms he can't overcome or both, just gets to me. That kind of characterization can provide a lot of additional opportunities for the wrenching of hearts, either because Bucky is aware that he's fucked up and struggles with himself, or as a way of highlighting the long-term damage Hydra dealt; i.e., even mostly recovered, this still lingers.

"Bucky's had more sex than him" that's great, that's a good way of conceptualizing rape, healthy. I love Bucky generalizing lessons learned from rape to sex as a whole.

"This is Bucky’s thing, spitting the worst of his past out like bullets and seeing who will run. He went through a lot of therapists that way. Steve feels like he’s been hit in the chest. He makes himself breathe in, reminds himself that he’s never run from anything." yes yes yes, I love you, dream bucky characterization + dream steve characterization = I CAN'T

Thank you so much! I'm delighted both of them were working for you, particularly Steve, because he was the hardest for me. :D

It takes Steve a while to get to sleep. He keeps thinking about the flatness of Bucky’s voice, the way he’d talked about himself, and everything that lay behind it. He keeps replaying every time they’ve been together and reevaluating it. Sure, Bucky’s cagey about being touched. Steve figured it that was to be expected, and half the time he’ll circle back, to press his hand to Steve’s back or shoulder if nothing else. There’s also the way he kisses, lips pressed closed no matter what.

Bucky had been the one to take it into the bedroom. Steve remembers being distantly surprised – he’d figured the rest of it was a sign that Bucky wanted to go slow, and he was fine with that. But with Bucky straddling his hips, grinding against him and laughing a scant inch away from his mouth, Steve is ashamed to say he hadn’t thought too hard about it. He still hadn’t thought when Bucky got on his knees and sucked him down without a moment’s hesitation. Steve wasn’t the jealous kind. It wasn’t like he had some sort of proprietary interest or expected everyone to be as inexperienced as him. Sure, when he’d tried to put one hand on Bucky’s head he’d ended up getting it pinned to the mattress, but since that meant that Bucky’s left hand was the one steadying his hips, Steve had had other things on his mind. And afterwards when he tried to pull Bucky up Bucky had done some kind of song and dance routine about having already gotten off when he was down there, he just couldn’t wait, and made an excuse that Steve can’t even remember to go into the bathroom, and Steve is an idiot for ever buying it.

If you push me down and – And if he had never learned to talk that way, where had Bucky? Where had he been taught – Been made to –

Sam had tried to talk to him about this, but Steve had been tired and tetchy and snapped that of course he knew it was a possibility, he wasn’t born yesterday. But anything had seemed vaguely possible in those days. It was another thing to be confronted with the reality of it, especially when that reality was Bucky lying there saying I want you to fuck my hole with all the strength and enthusiasm of a rag doll.

And then there had been the time on the couch, when Steve had pushed him down. By then Steve should have known something was wrong, but he’d figured it was him. It wasn’t like he’d had much of a chance to try all this out. And Bucky had pulled Steve down on top of him, gasped in his ear and arched up against his hand and pulled his own pants off – Steve realizes with a jolt that Bucky had always done that. He’d always taken it for eagerness, just like he’d half-bought every excuse that Bucky was just tired, they’d had him do something in PT that still hurt awful bad and he couldn’t really enjoy it, he’d gotten off ten minutes ago in the shower and he feels awful that he didn’t wait but won’t Steve let him make it up...

When Steve opens the kitchen door the next morning he’s hit with the smell of saddle soap, newsprint, and vinegar. Bucky’s sitting at the table with his gear spread out on newspapers, every component piece of the get-up Hydra put him in. Steve hadn’t even been sure if he still owned it, and now he can’t help but stare at it. The jacket is laid out flat, its straps making it look like the ribcage of some dead animal. A neatly-folded pile at the table’s far end has to be some kind of under layer. Beside the jacket is a belt, harness, holster, single glove, and the muzzle and goggles, which seem like they’re staring right back at him. The room is a little too warm and the smell makes it oppressive. Bucky hasn’t even cracked the window. He has a mug of coffee at his elbow and his hair falls over his eyes as he leans forward to scrub at one boot. When he sees Steve in the doorway he stands so fast the boot and brush clatter to the floor. There's a moment of silence when Steve wonders if he's going to bolt, then Bucky says,

"About last night –"

"You don't have to say anything."

“Let me finish,” Bucky snaps. He takes a breath, picks a rag up off the table and starts wiping his hands with it as he speaks. "I was a real bastard last night. And I said things I shouldn't have said. I just – I had thought maybe things could be different and I guess I let it get to me. But you didn't have to hear it like that, and I'm sorry."

This is great, I love the whole part about the different excuses and techniques Bucky used to keep Steve from noticing his triggers and that he couldn't get off. Bucky cleverly trying to hide how messed up he is is so wonderful. I just think is really well written too. I don't understand what's up with Bucky cleaning the Winter Soldier gear though? Are we going to find out?

Bucky's going to talk more in the next segment, but there was no big secret to the Winter Soldier outfit (except maybe me indulging in the metaphor of his past being dragged out of the closet). Unlike Steve Bucky didn't sleep at all, and he needed something to do. Deciding to clean his old gear instead of, like, the oven was definitely an exercise in self-flagellation though.

This is amazing!

The way you depict Steve looking back on his interactions with Bucky is great; we get what Steve thought at the time, what he understands now, his self-recrimination based on his new understanding, and what we can figure out about what was going on in Bucky's head. You pack a lot of characterization into that, and I continue to love it. Steve tries to be so understanding! Oh, it's understandable that Bucky has issues with touch. Nothing unremarkable about Bucky not letting his hands in his hair. Not Steve's business if Bucky is a surprise pro at blowjobs. And all of that is true, it's just that he wasn't putting the pieces together...

The time on the couch you mention is fascinating to me. So Steve pushed Bucky down and Bucky snaps into a fawn response? Is that what's going on with the eagerness that so concerns Steve now?

I really like the line you slipped in about the difference between the acknowledgment that yeah, okay, Bucky might possibly have been raped, and the certain knowledge that he was and it's still affecting him -- though Steve's narration never actually uses the word rape (is it that he can't bring himself to?). You can never imagine the full reality beforehand. How could Steve truly predict or comprehend the scope of what happened to Bucky before getting it slammed in his face? As a side note, I'm making myself sad picturing Sam trying to delicately and tactfully broach the topic with a Steve who is just not ready to handle everything contained within that possibility.

Also, way to break my heart with Bucky thinking that "maybe things could be different," being so desperate for that that he lets his veneer of control slip. Am I reading too much into it, assuming that line means he's giving up on sex altogether? I read that as: he's in that unhealthy black-and-white mental space that comes from being desperate for something without having stable ground from which to want it, where the only two options are perfect success or permanent failure. Anyway, another thing I loved was his response to seeing Steve, both the way he bolts up from the table and his apology. Because he probably never meant to reveal as much as he did in the heat of the moment. I get the sense that Bucky's trauma and anger lead him to act in ways he feels ashamed about later (which is characterization I could lick, btw).

Great update!

I do think there was some naïveté on Steve's part in the past in the sense that he was assuming that of course Bucky was being honest and of course he'd tell Steve if anything was wrong. It's one thing to know that in these situations rape is a possibility. It's another to think about the idea that your oldest and dearest friend (with whom you have recently begun a sexual relationship) has been raped so often and for so long that it's become his dominant experience, and as part of his abuse has had his sexual response re-wired for maximum humiliation on his part/pleasure on his rapists'. I also wonder if Sam's version of that conversation might be "I tried to bring it up bring it up and Steve didn't want to hear it."

Well, Steve is definitely wondering if that was what happened. For the record I think Bucky was 100% enthusiastically consenting every time – the whole problem for him is that he does genuinely feel desire, it's just that his body and/or mind can't go with it. There will be more actual Bucky talking next segment and I don't want to give the game away as to that, but a lot of "things could be different" is "I thought I could have a satisfying sexual relationship without revealing the extent of my trauma and/or doing things that I find incredibly triggering and degrading." (Don't worry, dear reader, it's not as much of an either/or proposition as he thinks, this is not that kind of trash). If Bucky could have kept lying forever I think he would have. He certainly didn't want Steve to hear it in the same terms his torturers used, but that stuff's in deep. They both have a long way to go.

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

(Anonymous) - 2015-01-27 01:16 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

(Anonymous) - 2015-01-27 05:00 (UTC) - Expand

absolutely loving this *offers mouldy cookies* I'm so glad the two of them are managing to talk to each other now

*lovingly tucks cookies into rusty tin*

"Do you mind if I sit down?" If they're going to have this talk now, Steve doesn't want to do it on his feet.

"Knock yourself out, it's your apartment too." Bucky toes the boots and brush under the table and sits down himself. Steve takes a chair that he judges so close as to get in Bucky's space but not so far as to possibly look like he's avoiding him, and he hates that he's making that calculation. He's just taking a breath to speak when Bucky adds, "I did mean the last part. That you should think about what you really want." He's still holding the rag and seems particularly intent on getting something out of the joints of his left hand.

"I did. And nothing's changed, at least not for me." He had thought about what it might be like to go back to the way things had been before. There had been a moment when they been young when something might have happened between them, but it didn't and he and Bucky both moved on. At least until now, when it had felt like they'd had a second chance. It wouldn't be easy for him, Steve wasn't going to lie, but he'd get used to it. Assuming, that was, that Bucky even wanted to be around him anymore. Natasha and Clint seemed to manage living in each other's back pockets just fine.

"Did you?" Bucky's voice is sharp again. "Because there is a whole ocean of stuff I haven't told you about. Sometimes even I don't know how deep it goes until I'm in it. Some of it won't ever go away. I got – used for a lot of things, and if you don't want to – to go where everyone's been, if you don't want to deal with that, that's fine."

"I don't care about those things. What I care about is whether you–" Steve's nails have been digging into his palm under the table and now they bite in even harder, because this is the thing that he stayed up trying to get his head around, the talk they needed to have no matter how hard it was for him to face it. "If there was ever anything I did to make you feel like you owed me or like there was only one right answer, I never meant to put you in a position like that. And that isn't what I would ever want, from you, from anybody. I care that this really is something that you want."

Steve has, to his shame, been looking at the tabletop, and when he drags his eyes up up Bucky is staring intently at him. The rag is flat against the table, clenched in his fingers.

"I want you," he says. "God help me, I want you."

There's unmistakable heat in his voice, and it breaks Steve's careful reserve. He reaches for Bucky's hand, but Bucky jerks away like he's been burned.

"Don't touch me like that."

"Is it because we had a fight? Because it's your left hand?"

"No, I mean don't touch my hand, don't touch my wrist." Bucky's voice has gone back to the hard, flat tone he had used last night.

Steve is suddenly flashing through every time he his hand had ended up landing on Bucky's forearm or thigh or fallen just a few inches short of Bucky's fingers, or when Bucky had just happened to move at that time and ended up touching Steve – arm, back, waist, leg – before Steve could touch him. Maybe he'd never put it together because it always played out differently, or maybe he'd just decided to see the answer he wanted to see. Steve takes a breath.

"Okay." He settles his own hand uselessly on the table, feeling like a fool. There's a brief silence, then Bucky shakes himself, stands, and motions at Steve.

"Come here, you. I can't stand seeing you looking all hangdog." He's all fondness now, and Steve wants to believe he means it. When he comes around the table he stops short, unsure of what to do. Bucky steps forward and puts his arms around Steve's shoulders and pulls him close. Steve puts a tentative hand on his back, pushes his face into Bucky's shoulder and drinks in the solidness of him. Bucky feels like he's not going anywhere, and Steve hopes it's true.

A/N: Whups, guess who forgot to anon? Hi, tracking people~!

And obviously, the comment above this should read 3/?. Wow, I'm with it tonight.

This is so good I'm so happy! I'm sure a lot of sad stuff is in the future but for now it's nice to see them just talking and being honest and mature about things. <3333

Bucky can only come with penetration

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 1/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 1/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 1/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 1/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 1/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 1/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 1/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 1/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 1/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 3/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?

Re: Bucky can only come with penetration -- Smash All Your Mirrors, 2/?